“EASY COME. . .” – GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH AMERICANS

Have you ever experienced something similar to this incident?

Or this?

Exaggerations? Caricatures of Americans? Possibly, but many non-Americans have had similar encounters, and are confused by such behaviour. Did you answer (b) or (c) in the first example? Perhaps you perceive Americans as “friendly,” or “superficial”. This immediate friendliness and informality can make people uncomfortable, precisely because it seems insincere. This is a reflection of the manner in which social and business friendships are formed in America and the meaning of these friendships, which may be very different from what is expected in your country.

A degree of “superficial” friendliness is important to us Americans. Rapid and friendly social interactions are normal. In a large country where people move around frequently, contact of this type is both essential and unavoidable. Friendliness conveys to an American the right degree of both social distance (or closeness, if you prefer) and social acceptance. An American takes this to mean, “I like you.”

“But what’s the point”, you may ask, “of talking about your son’s problems at school with a complete stranger, if you then go your separate ways and, in that big country, never see each other again?”

Not every conversation at first meeting will include such personal details, but it is not unusual. With those disclosures, an American seeks to establish a commonality of experience with a stranger, while affirming his own social identity. This is preferable to an abstract discussion of world affairs, the arts or other impersonal matters, with which you might be more comfortable. To an American, Charlie is in fact being polite. It would be impolite, “stand-offish”, or even rude not to initiate some contact with you, a fellow passenger. To ignore you would be to take no notice of you – to reject you, in a sense – as a human being. We Americans may like our wide open spaces, but we do not like isolation.

Call me “Jim”

The immediate use of first names is expected, once any necessary titles have been mentioned. We will have more to say about titles and greetings below. For our server (a description preferable to “waitress”) Michelle, not mentioning her name would be impersonal, and referring to herself as “Ms” or “Mrs Ames” would be unnecessarily formal. One’s last name (not “surname”) is unimportant when it comes to getting to know people. This is another contemporary habit that has its roots in the social development of American society. When settlers from Europe established a new society in the New World, their last names no longer served as indicators of occupation, origin, social class, or rank in the same way as they did in Europe. Last names were retained as “family names”. In a social context, the use of first names signalled equality of status, and served as an indicator of direct personal contact.

Perhaps you come from a culture in which people prefer a greater degree of social distance when getting acquainted, by using titles more frequently, or by different ways of addressing “you” (Tu or Usted in Spanish, Du or Sie in German). If so, American informality may seem like a case of “too close too fast”.

When it comes to establishing social and business relationships with Americans, two points are worth remembering here:

• If you wait too long before entering into this American informality, you may appear to us Americans as reserved, too formal, or (a word we used previously) stand-offish. To an American businessperson, that implies that you may not really be interested in doing business.
• On the other hand, do not be misled by an American’s apparent closeness or intimacy. To illustrate, let’s “fast-forward” our in-flight scenario to the moment when you touch down at the airport in Chicago.

“. . .EASY GO” – FRIENDLINESS WITHOUT FRIENDSHIP

Your response will, of course, depend on many factors, especially on whether you enjoyed his company enough to want to continue the acquaintance. (A woman would be less likely to extend this type of “invitation” to a man, for fear it would be misinterpreted.) If your answer was (a), then perhaps you are used to this sort of interaction between strangers on a plane. Charley probably sees the situation in the same way.

“But if he does not expect that your paths will ever again cross, then why does he bother inviting you? Surely this is somehow dishonest.”

If that went through your mind, then you may have answered (b). From the American point of view, Charlie’s “invitation” is a polite way of expressing his enjoyment at having made your acquaintance, and his wish that you might meet again. It is at the same time an implied regret that the two of you will revert to being strangers. And so you do.

If you answered (c) then you come from a culture that attaches a great deal of importance to the offering and acceptance of hospitality. Americans attach far less importance to this, and you may be disappointed.

“No cost, no obligation”

Our little scenario, which could have a dozen different endings, offers several useful lessons concerning the American way of friendship in a number of situations. Foreign students in America, for example, have often complained that Americans, while very friendly, simply do not form any bonds after a first meeting. There is no follow-up. The foreign student expects a closer relationship – more time together, more sharing – but very little is forthcoming.

It is true that American friendships often involve less obligation and fewer ties than many non-Americans expect. This can be frustrating if, like the students, you are going to live and work in America for an extended time. Lack of good friendships with local people can be a great source of dissatisfaction. The Americans you meet at the office or in the neighborhood may be very warm and welcoming at the beginning. They may offer to help you visit the city, move into your home, or get to know your new colleagues at the office. But later, little more may be offered. And you wonder, “Why not?”

The American friendliness is sincere, but the American expectation of friendship is that it makes few demands, offers no real commitment, and expects very little in return. In this way, Americans retain their independence. They remain free from obligation to others, and from the discomfort of having others obligated to them. Charlie does not expect you to accept his invitation, and will not press it. For his part, once the two of you have gone your separate ways, he may feel little obligation to deliver on his invitation.

Even many longer-term friendships can end comparatively quickly. If people move away to a new place, they start again with new friends. If two friends quarrel, they may simply drift apart, rather than reconcile themselves through confrontation or the mediation of a third person.

Friends at work?

What does “friendship” mean to you? In the society in which you were brought up, friendship may imply a strong obligation to do as much as you can for a friend – lend money, travel a long way to help, offer a place to stay for an indefinite period. A friend doesn’t need to ask, doesn’t need to say thanks. There is a strong expectation that your friend would do the same for you. Americans do not expect nearly as much. The same is true in the workplace.

Neither (a) nor (b) is a likely explanation, except under particular circumstances. In this situation, our Indian engineer’s relationship with her Indians colleagues may be one in which the bonds of mutual obligation are strong. They would assist Priya with “no questions asked”. The Americans, on the other hand, will have a different expectation of this relationship. Someone who asks for something with no explanation is, in effect, acting as if the other person is obliged to provide it. This to an American expresses an attitude of superiority.

At work, your friendly American colleagues or co-workers will feel relatively little obligation to support you, to do you favors, to reciprocate when you do them favors, regardless of the warmth of your relationship. Yet we certainly do not mean that Americans will not be generous with their support, time, or assistance. We are simply saying that, after the first contact, they may not feel obliged to be generous – you need to ask for what you need, and explain why.

This pattern that we’ve just described is one with hundreds of exceptions. The pattern among women, for example, may be somewhat different to that among men. It may be different within certain particular groups of people. One description of American culture suggests that within the American military, and among African-Americans, the obligations and expectations of friendship are stronger than the norm.(1)

What we have described here is an aspect of the American way of life than can cause some culture shock in newcomers. It may be hard to get accustomed to this strange culture with its smiling faces, friendly greetings, and weak attachments. This will take time, and you cannot expect too much based on the first contact. Lasting friendships will nevertheless develop, provided you work at it.

To make that adjustment easier, let’s look at the American way of “socialising”.

“LET’S DO LUNCH!” – MEETING AMERICANS AT HOME, OFFICE AND ELSEWHERE

Networking

For Americans in business, the most important reason to meet people is to “network”. There is in America both a need and a preference for this form of contact, as it involves no friendship but depends on friendliness. Precisely because they have few strong ties to large families or political groups, Americans have to create their own networks, based on rapid acquaintances made at professional conferences, social events, and – yes – on airplanes.

Networking is certainly not a uniquely American practice, but it is one with which we are very comfortable. We are normally very open about it; some non-Americans might say even a bit “forward”. It is taken for granted as a possible outcome when business people, who may otherwise be strangers, happen to start talking together in any setting. We network in order to make sales contacts, obtain information, find a lead to a new job. We are not limited by social rank or status, and networking can quite easily occur between a man and a woman (as long as the conversation focusses on business).

Is Charlie from Dayton on the plane simply networking with you? Is he being friendly simply in order to find out if you can be of some use to him?

That’s not likely, given the American need and preference for the kind of social contact described in the previous section. But if your chat took you into areas of mutual business interest, you may become part of his network (and he of yours). This may be signified by an exchange of business cards at the end of your flight, and implies the possibility, though not the certainty, of future contact.

Americans find opportunities to network not only in casual encounters, but also in organized groups. These may include various professional associations, some of which exist largely for that purpose, whatever their stated goals may be. Other organizations have a more obvious and focussed networking character. Chambers of Commerce are an example.

At the same time, community service groups such as Rotary Clubs, Lions Clubs, or Junior League provide their American members with more than a collection of potentially useful “contacts”. They offer a deeper sense of purpose, belonging, and group identity. You may be familiar with, or even a member of, one of these organizations. There are many other “fraternal” organisations in America, such as the Elks or the Kiwanis Clubs, that provide a framework for both social and community service activities. In addition, church membership, though based on spiritual needs, may also offer similar benefits. Indeed you may find that in areas of the USA where church membership and attendance is high, members may form loose business networks.

A recommendation: If you are going to be living in America for an extended period, you should look into the possibility of membership in one of these organizations. In some cases, you will need to be nominated or sponsored for membership, so admission may not occur immediately. If you are an international member, then take advantage of your association in the States. You will be welcomed with that quick friendliness that we have described, and will find it a convenient setting for meeting people.

Home and away – where and how to meet Americans

Establishing real friendships with Americans, however, is likely to take some time. We have seen how a non-American should not expect too much from a first meeting, no matter how friendly and warm it may seem.

While living in the USA, there are several alternatives if you wish to improve your chances of meeting Americans with whom you may have something in common:

• Look for other kinds of special interest groups, such as local hobby clubs. If you are with your family in America, this could involve them as well (assuming that they tolerate your hobby!). Local charity/volunteer organizations, open to all, are another possibility.
• Ask colleagues at work about the organizations to which they may belong. Say that you (and your family) are interested in meeting people. We Americans, great joiners and networkers that we are, will fully empathise, and may offer some useful ideas. We will certainly not think that you are, being “too forward”.
• If your wife or husband is accompanying you, but is not permitted to work, she or he may choose to attend adult education classes of some kind. These are an excellent setting for making acquaintances with people. Indeed, many Americans participate in these for precisely that purpose.

Getting to know your colleagues

One of your colleagues at work may invite you to an after hours event such as a sporting match (American football, basketball, ice hockey, or baseball). It will probably not be an occasion for extended conversation, but it’s a start. So by all means, accept the invitation and expect to pay for your own ticket. Later, assuming that your time together was pleasant enough, it would be appropriate for you to suggest to your colleague, “Let’s go out for dinner,” and invite him to join you at a restaurant.

You may also invite him or her (although not normally her alone), together with spouse/partner, to dinner at your home. If you have children, then make it a two family affair. If you do not have children, and would prefer that they not bring theirs, then make clear to your friend for whom the invitation is intended: “Would you and Liz [by not mentioning their kids, you are excluding them] be able to come to dinner at our place?” Americans do less home hospitality than others, and are not as spontaneous when it comes to offering or accepting invitations, so give them plenty of notice: at least a week; ten days to two weeks is better. Remember: Americans do not willingly take on obligations, so your colleague may not feel obliged to accept. Do not be offended if they cannot. In a later section we offer some additional comments on the subjects of invitations and hospitality with business colleagues.

Social etiquette

We are an informal people, with little in the way of ritual or protocol accompanying our getting to know each other. There are, however, several guidelines that can help ensure that you establish the right degree of social contact, without somehow putting Americans off.

When first meeting an American face-to-face, at a business meeting or in a social situation, give your first name followed by your last (not the reverse, as some French or Chinese people might do). It is not necessary to state your title (Mr., Mrs., Dr., etc.), unless it is a very formal occasion. But do not give your last name only (as some Germans might do), unless that is how you wish to be addressed by the Americans. Once you have been introduced, then you can normally use first names only; Americans will expect it. If you continue to use titles and/or last names, it will appear as if you are trying to keep too great a distance.

Titles should be used in the following circumstances:

• On the outside and inside address of a letter, and the salutation. (“Dear Dr. Simpson,. . .”)
• When you are introducing an American with a doctorate (Ph.D.) in a formal setting, such as a speech or presentation. (”Our next speaker is Dr. Andrea Cummings. . .”)

You may then revert to first names after the event, or once you have met or spoken on the telephone.

With American women, the title Ms. (pronounced miz), intended to be an equivalent to Mr. without marking marital status, should be used in formal direct address in writing or when first speaking on the telephone. It should also be used with the addressee’s last name in letter salutations. (”Dear Ms. Morelli,. . .”) Again, once two-way contact has been established, you then can normally use her first name.

There is no need to use Mrs. or Miss in these situations, unless these are specifically indicated on a woman’s business card or other correspondence from her.

Americans of both sexes will normally indicate their professional and academic titles on their business cards, but not their social titles (Mr., Ms., etc.).

Greeting people

It is polite in America to always greet someone you know (or in the case of Charlie, even someone you don’t know). This is generally true if it involves a colleague at work whom you pass frequently in the office corridors, even if you have spoken to this person shortly before. A quick acknowledgement in passing (”Hi, Pam. . .”) is enough.

Americans will do the same to you, but they do not expect to stop and chat, even if they say, “How are you?” or “How ya doin’?” These are not normally intended as conversation starters, but are simply greetings. If any reply is in order, “Fine, thanks,” is suitable.

If you are with a friend, family member, or colleague and happen to meet an American whom you know in the supermarket, at work, or elsewhere, you should always introduce them to each other. It would be rude not to. The Americans will do the same to you, if they meet someone they know while you are accompanying them. Again, status, rank, relationship, or whether you had previously been properly introduced mean nothing.

Invitations

When an American invites you to lunch, dinner or an outing of some kind, you should accept or decline quickly and clearly. In America, it is not expected that you would hesitate or hold back, thinking that the other person will press the invitation further. Perhaps you come from a country where this is more common, and considered polite. In America it will be taken at face value, as “No, thank you.” Your American friend is likely to say simply, “Maybe another time, then.” In so doing, he is not indicating that the invitation was insincere, but is simply respecting your independence, without any further obligation on either side. So if you wish to accept, say so. If you wish to decline, a simple expression of regret that you cannot for such-and-such a reason is sufficient. No offense will be taken. Let him propose another time if he so desires.

For formal dinners, a written invitation would always be. sent, normally with the notation R.S.V.P. This is an abbreviation of the French phrase Répondez s’il vous plaît. (”Please reply”.) You should therefore send back a reply.

As Americans are generally very punctual, you should plan to arrive at the time stated in the invitation with a delay of no more than 15 minutes. Phone ahead to let them know if you are going to be much later than that. Under no circumstances should you arrive early, unless you have been asked to help in the kitchen! If you are invited to dinner with a small group (two or three other couples, for example) at a restaurant or someone’s home, even tighter (although not exact) punctuality is expected.

An “open house” is altogether different. If you come from a part of the world where this is a common form of hospitality, you know the routine. This event will take place over a stated time interval, for example, from 7:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., or perhaps on a weekend afternoon. Guests can arrive at any point during that time, and then serve themselves. There is no need to bring anything. For a “pot luck”, on the other hand, every guest brings a dish that they have prepared. Usually the host or hostess will let you know what sort of dish is needed: “vegetable”, “main dish”, “dessert” or something else.

Meeting Americans in their homes

When invited to dinner at the home of an American business associate or colleague, it is polite to ask the host or hostess if you can “bring something” and then take their cue as to whether wine, chocolates, or some other delicacy would be appropriate. If they reply that there is no need to bring anything, you should still bring a moderately priced bottle of wine or, if that is not appropriate for you, flowers. Your hosts will not be offended if you do not bring anything, but they may be mildly surprised. A small item or gift from your country is another possibility, but this should not be of great value. Americans are not accustomed to giving gifts on these occasions.

The evening will proceed according to the European manner, with some important American variations. Guests will normally first be offered drinks, followed fairly shortly thereafter by the meal. They will remain to continue conversations after the meal is finished. It is not expected that men and women will form separate groups at that point. That might occur, based simply on areas of common conversational interest, but normally men and women will participate together in the general conversation.

It would be rare if your hosts were smokers, so do not expect that people will smoke. If you must, ask if you can do so “outside”. The best policy, when visiting most American homes, is to forget about it, even for outdoor gatherings.

So what should you be prepared to talk about? What subjects should you avoid?

“Small talk”

In the world of international business, people from different countries find that they have a number of subjects that provide ample opportunity for “small talk”: the weather, traffic, air or train travel, the cost of living (and in the USA, the cost of a house!), to name a few. Americans may, however, feel comfortable making conversation on topics which may embarrass you. For example, when an American expresses admiration for an object in your home, and asks where you acquired it, this does not indicate that he desires it. The American would be surprised and embarrassed if you then offered it to him!

Conversely, if you find yourself in an American’s home, your host may be quite happy to tell you how much he paid for a lamp, a painting, or the home cinema system, and “what a great deal” it was. It would be somewhat rude of an American to do this if you had not first expressed admiration for the object in question, but it happens. (You need not act similarly toward American guests!)

Be prepared for the fact that much conversation will still be about business. This is for a couple reasons. First, it is an activity that you have in common, a “shared experience” if you like, and a very important one to Americans. They do not mind discussing business anytime, anywhere. Secondly, they may not be ready to talk with you about American politics, or about conditions in your country, on which they may not be well informed. Your American friends will not usually try to hide any lack of knowledge; they may display much curiosity and ask many questions about your home country.

Talking politics

As far as politics is concerned, you may find that your American hosts or guests express fairly cautious views at first, since a political discussion is not many Americans’ idea of a good way of getting to know you. Friendliness is the most important aspect of such a gathering. They may well hold strong positions on the political and social questions in the USA, but are not likely to want to reveal them at the early stages of your relationship.

For your part, you may wish to get their reaction to certain critical comments that you or others have made about America. Just remember that as an outsider – and this is just as true in other parts of the world – you have only a limited “right” to criticize your host country. For the most part, Americans are largely supportive of their system of government and, as many people have observed, proud of their country, even though they may strongly disagree with the policies of their national, state, or local authorities. It would be appropriate to ask about an American election campaign or about the system or local government where you are. This focuses the political conversation on a more impersonal footing, with which Americans may be more comfortable.

Religion

It is also not advisable to inquire as to your friends’ religion. If the conversation happens to turn to that topic, then you are on safer ground in discussing it. But in all these sensitive subjects, take your cue from your American friends.

Race

Race is another very sensitive topic. Americans are not accustomed to discussing this question on social occasions, and fear embarrassing themselves or their listeners by saying something insensitive or unfashionable. The relative openness with which people from other racially mixed societies such as South Africa or Malaysia talk about race is rare in the USA.

And afterward?

What happens the next day? Perhaps not as much as you expect. Your American hosts will be pleased to receive a thank-you note, but will not be offended if you do not send one. Nor will they expect a reciprocal invitation from you. Again, no obligations are involved. As a host, the converse applies. You may or may not receive a thank-you note (or e-mail, or phone call) from your American guests. To them, a warm “thank you” when leaving your home at the end of the evening is enough. You may or may not receive an invitation to their home in similarly intimate circumstances. Whatever happens, you are part of their circle of friends now. Your return invitation may be weeks or even months later, perhaps to a picnic or barbecue, with a number of other people.

When we pointed out in Chapter 2 the difficulty of predicting Americans’ behavior, this is area is a case in point. You will experience variations on the practices described here, but these general observations are a reliable basis for noting those exceptions.

WORK OR PLAY? – BUSINESS HOSPITALITY WITH AMERICANS

While your social contacts and friendships will develop through your visits to American homes, many of your business relationships, especially if you are a visitor, will develop through time spent in restaurants, bars, golf courses and other such places. A few guidelines concerning commonly expected behavior and etiquette may be useful here.

Business lunches and drinks

If you are a supplier calling upon a prospective customer for the first time, the customer will prefer, and indeed expect, that this first contact will take place in their office, rather than at a restaurant, bar, or café.

Later on, as your relationship progresses to business lunches, it is commonly expected that the supplier will pay. If the customer or prospective customer has a strict policy against this, as is often the case, then each person pays his own share. (This is referred to informally as “Dutch treat” or “going Dutch”, an old English expression originating in stereotyped descriptions of people from Holland as being thrifty to the point of being ungenerous.) In this way, each person avoids the obligation to reciprocate, and keeps his independence. Therefore you should show courtesy to an American who invites you out to lunch, a drink, or dinner by offering to pay for what you consume.

Apart from paying for his own share, your American friend will not expect lunch to be lengthy. He will also expect that the conversation will balance “small talk” with business matters. Avoiding business altogether may cause an American to feel like he is wasting that most precious resource – time.

Hospitality toward colleagues

Are you the leader of a team of Americans? If so, and want to offer hospitality to your colleagues at your new home in America, it is best to do this with the whole group together, rather than one by one. This sort of gathering is somewhat less common practice in the USA than in other countries, Britain for example. Americans will probably be more comfortable initially with an informal gathering, such as a picnic or barbecue. This is also more practical and easier to prepare than a dinner at home. But if the weather does not allow this kind of “get-together”, there is no hurry; you can wait until it does.

Remember: The good atmosphere of your hospitality, at home or in a restaurant, may be strained by three factors. The first is the increasing lack of tolerance on the part of many Americans for people who smoke. Secondly, Americans may drink little, for various reasons – health, driving, not wanting to embarrass themselves. Third, Americans may not be willing to “let their hair down” and talk freely or jokingly in the presence of you or colleagues. They risk “offending” someone present, and the fact of being in a public restaurant or at someone’s home does not exempt the company from possible responsibility for such “offensive” behavior. See Chapter 9 for more on this.

Smaller, more informal and entrepreneurial organizations are likely to view these matters in a correspondingly more relaxed way. But again, do not expect Americans to behave in the same way as people in your country might in the same setting.

Finally, we should note here that Americans do relatively little after-work drinking with colleagues. If you come from Japan or Britain, you may feel a bit lonely after the end of the working day! Things may be different when there is a special occasion, such as a birthday. Otherwise, Americans may prefer going to the gym, to their evening activities, or home to their families.

Behind the smile

We noted earlier that international business is conducted by people, not by “cultures”. When people meet, it is their unique personalities and purposes that determine the outcome, so each encounter will be unique. But if your perceptions of Americans include such attributes as “open”, “superficial”, “friendly”, “insincere”, perhaps it is easier now to see what lies behind the smile.

Unlike people in many other parts of the world, such as Asia and South America, Americans want to get to know you, not before doing business but by doing business. Friendliness helps make this possible, but what matters is what people do together. That is the measure of a business relationship, and as we shall see in the next chapter, that is the measure of success.