Do you want the good news or the bad news? I can't hear you. Well, I'll tell you anyway. The good news is that officially you won't be involved with many of the wedding preparations (hooray) ... the bad news is that unofficially you will be (boo). And possibly big time. It's up to the groom and his wife-to-be to decide how much of the admin and organisational work they want to delegate to you, and to others. But you simply must find out what is expected of you ... and find out quickly. There is a trend nowadays for everyone to muck in to get things done. That's fine so long as every job gets covered ... and is not duplicated. Twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping and five golden rings might be considered a little excessive.

There are loads of arrangements to be made, rituals to be observed and courtesies to be extended. This all requires planning of military precision. After all, failing to plan is planning to fail. Suggest that early meeting with the happy couple (and the chief bridesmaid, if there is one) to find out precisely who'll be doing what. Take this handbook with you, order a few bevvies, find a nice quiet table in the corner and work your way through this chapter and the detailed checklists. Every task should be allocated to a nominated individual ... or, better still, to a volunteer. By the end of the evening everyone knows precisely what they will be doing over the next few months and, equally importantly, what they will not be doing.

Before we start to think about all this organisational stuff, there are a few preliminary questions that need to be asked ... and answered.

Where and when?

It's kind of important to find out where and when the ceremony will take place. Usually it'll be in a church or registry office, but it could be on a bouncy castle or at the bottom of the sea. You need to find out precisely where and when, so that you can order your snorkel in plenty of time. Similarly, ask where the conception – sorry, reception will take place. Will the nuptials and reception take place in formal attire at Brighton's Royal Pavilion? Or will it be a quick 'I do' on Brighton Pier in Kiss Me Quick hats, followed by a slap-up fish 'n' chips in the local chippie? (Weddings really do take place at both these places – honestly.)

How many?

Put a little gentle pressure on the happy couple to decide approximately how many punters will be invited. This figure can be firmed up later (I wish mine could be), but at least a ballpark figure will give you some idea of the scale of things to come and will help you decide how many ushers will be required (usually one per 20 odd guests – or 25 normal ones).

Traditionally, formal invitations will be sent from the bride's home about six weeks before the big match takes place. You will need to RSVP along the lines:

Who's paying?

Mercenary, I know, but with an average wedding costing seventeen grand plus today, everyone must be absolutely clear on who's going to be picking up the various tabs. Agree this at an early stage with all the main players. You won't be expected to pay a lot towards the total bill, but you may need to budget for:

• Your own formal wear and accessories
• The cost of your travel and hotel bills
• The cost of your travel, accommodation and activities at the stag do (and maybe a contribution towards the groom's costs, so he can go free)
• A gift for the happy couple

Put a few extra pennies in your piggy bank each month during the engagement period. Believe me, the money will be spent. If it isn't, you won't need to live on Pot Noodles while the happy couple are enjoying champagne and caviar in the Cayman Islands.

Now we'll get down to the nitty-gritty.

CLOTHING

The bride will probably have strong views about this, and you would be wise to find out what they are. Perhaps male attendants will be asked to wear matching ties, cravats, shirts or waistcoats. Don't all dress identically, head to toe, with the groom fronting in a heavily sequinned open shirt ... unless you want to look like a Smokey Robinson tribute band.

If everyone is expected to hire formal attire, this should be paid for from central funds. It's best for all the lads to get fitted on the same day. The important thing is that everyone dresses with the same degree of formality (or perhaps lack of it). For the best man, a good rule of thumb is to follow suit with the groom, but not to outshine him.

Will there be buttonholes? What flowers will be chosen and what colour(s) will they be? You may think all this to be unimportant. Believe me, it isn't. Don't spoil the bride's big day. She would not appreciate a raid by the Fashion Police. If she wants people to dress to impress, that's the way it's got to be. And that applies to everyone ... including those normally allergic to soap and water.

TRANSPORT

While the groom is usually in overall charge of travel arrangements for the day, it's your job to get him to the church on time. Unless you live within walking distance of the venue, you will need to arrange some sort of transport. ('And your specialist subject?' 'The bleeding obvious.') Whether you decide to travel by taxi, three-wheeler or tandem, do a few trial runs to arrive at the same time and on the same day as you will need to when it's for real. Allow yourself a little extra time on the actual day as Sod's Law decrees traffic lights will be out of order or it will be an unannounced National Cones Day.

Will there be any official cars? It is customary to have two from the bride's home to the church and three on to the reception.

It is also traditional for the best man to arrange a car to take the newlyweds on the first stage of their honeymoon.

You may also be required to arrange convoys of guests from the station and later to ferry people (not necessarily in the nautical sense) to and from the reception. You need to know numbers, names and times. Bear all this in mind when selecting ushers. If they have their own wheels, then so much the better. Car hire firms can be a little unreliable. If you intend to use them, make sure you get your precise requirements agreed in writing. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. And be warned: car hire firms can impose heavy financial penalties if vehicles are not returned/collected by the agreed times. Consider using a minibus rather than a fleet of cars to and from the reception. It may prove more economical and at least everyone can enjoy a little bubbly.

Parking can be a nightmare. Find out where everyone can park safely and legally for the duration of the ceremony and reception. Arriving to be greeted by a 'Car Park Full' notice, an overzealous traffic warden or a brainless wheel clamper is not an auspicious start to married life.

Finally, remember Murphy's Law: If things can go wrong, they will. Be a good little boy scout and be prepared for this. Carry a list of phone numbers of local taxi firms and any other people you could rope in at short notice, should things go a little pear-shaped.

THE CEREMONY

Liaise with the clergyman or registrar

Arrange a meeting with whoever is going to officiate. Go along with the bride and groom and discuss their hopes and wishes for the ceremony. While the officiator will do his or her best to accommodate them, there may be rules, regulations and restrictions they must comply with. Maybe confetti isn't allowed; maybe there are places where photography or videoing isn't permitted; maybe some of the traditional wedding music won't be sanctioned if the ceremony isn't in a church. Pieces like Mendelssohn's Wedding March and Wagner's Bridal March(Here Come the Bride) are often blackballed in hotels and stately homes because they are so associated with church weddings. Felix and Dickie would have found this bizarre because they composed them to be played outside churches (yeah, go figure).

Order of Ceremony and Wedding Day Schedule

Most couples have an Order of Ceremony sheet. This has their names (and possibly a photo) on the front together with the date and venue. It may also give the names of the supporting cast. Inside will be a list of the various stages of the ceremony together with the words of any hymns, prayers and readings. It is your responsibility to collect copies of this sheet from the bride and then pass them on to the usher charged with handing them out as people arrive.

If the couple haven't produced one already, it's a good idea to suggest that a Wedding Day Schedule is drawn up. This is for the benefit of attendants, not guests. It shows precisely what will be happening and spells out what every member of the support team should be doing at each stage. You may think this is a little OTT. But it really does concentrate minds. Collect copies at the same time as the Order of Ceremony. Keep one for yourself and distribute the others among your fellow attendants.

The House of Ushers

You have been appointed sergeant major to make sure things run like clockwork on the big day. But you can't do everything yourself ... and you need someone to blame if things go wrong. So you require support from a trusty corporal (chief usher) and some privates (as it were) to help you out. These will be your team of helpers on the day. Traditionally ushers are unmarried brothers or other close relatives of the bride and groom ... but you could slip in a ringer or two. Officially they are chosen by the groom. In practice, you need to make sure you get the right people because it will be you – not the groom – who will look a right wally if the wedding breakfast turns into a dog's dinner.

So in addition to nepotism, what factors should be considered when choosing ushers? As we have seen, it helps if they have their own transport to get people from A to B, and then on to C. Other than that, ideally they need to be more like Brad Pitt than Cec Pitt. Your designated corporal should also be capable – if you'll excuse my mixed metaphors – of coming off the bench if you were to walk under that proverbial bus ... or wedding limo. Well, the show must go on. ('It's what he would have wanted.')

Ushers' responsibilities are not too onerous. At a church wedding with about 100 guests, you might have four or five helpers. The chief usher will be posted at the door to escort the bride's mother on arrival ('You're her mother? I could have sworn you were her sister.'). The second will be beside him giving out Order of Ceremony sheets as guests enter ('Lovely day for it.'). The third will stand at the foot of the aisle, doing a little gentle interrogating ('Friend or foe? ... sorry, love, friend or family?', with a quick supplementary, 'Bride's or groom's guests?'). The answers to these two questions will help decide where guests are to be seated, as follows:

However, a good usher should exercise a degree of discretion. For example, any elderly or disabled guests should be asked where they would prefer to sit (barring the first two rows, unless they would have sat there anyway). If people say they are friends of both the bride and groom, they should generally be ushered to the right, as the bride tends to have more guests than the groom. Try to avoid the church tipping over by having roughly the same numbers of guests on both sides.

A fourth usher will be placed halfway down the aisle to show people to their seats ('Take a pew.'). It is a good idea for him to start packing them in from the back and then work forward. If people moan that they came early to get a good seat, he should remind them that, as the Good Book tells us, 'The first shall be last'. If there is a fifth usher, he will probably be outside in the rain directing people to the car park. (Well it's a job.)

After the ceremony, all the lads help organise transport to the reception. One of them may also be given the task of making sure that nothing or nobody gets left behind before the convoy moves on. At the reception each usher should be encouraged to mingle with the other guests and to keep an eye (but not mouth) on the food and drinks situation.

The rehearsal

A day or two before the wedding, all interested parties, including the bride, groom, bridesmaids, ushers, best man and parents/guardians, gather at the ceremony site to do a quick run-through of the ceremony. The aim is to iron out any last-minute problems (and pageboys' shirts) before the whole thing goes live. Is everyone reading from the same hymn sheet? Does everyone know where and when to stand, sit, sing? Use the occasion to familiarise yourself with the place, paying particular attention to parking arrangements, potential photo opportunities ... and the whereabouts of toilets. Believe me, you will be asked about all three.

It is becoming common practice for the gang to adjourn to a Rehearsal Dinner, where they may be joined by other close friends and relatives and by any other people who have travelled a light year to be there. The atmosphere should be very informal. Relax and enjoy yourself ... but have a few choice words prepared just in case. If you are asked to speak, a simple but sincere toast to the happy couple is all that is required. Keep most of your ammunition dry for use at the reception.

Yuk? Sorry, this has to be done.

THE RECEPTION

If you have any say in the matter, encourage the bride and groom to find a place quite near the scene of the chime, avoiding ones that churn out half a dozen wedding gigs each weekend. Once the venue of the reception is known, do a recce on the joint. While the bride and groom are happily discussing menus, cake, wedding flora and other domestic matters with the manager, do a little snooping. As always, check out those parking arrangements and toilets. And find out if there is somewhere they will be able to get their things together (Carry On humour at its finest) before they make their excuses. Changing in the loo is far from ideal, especially once the floors are flooded.

Pecking order

If people aren't told where to sit, entry into the reception is likely to resemble the first day of the January sales. To avoid the need for the intervention of a UN peacekeeping force, the bride's parents should draw up a table plan. Diplomatically suggest who should be seated near to one another (and who should be kept well apart). Make life easier for the caterers by colour-coding the backs of chairs of any guests who are veggies, who require a gluten-free meal, or who have some other special dietary requirement (you know it makes sense, Rodney).

Catering

While you are not responsible for the catering arrangements, you are responsible for ensuring things run smoothly at the reception. The efficiency of caterers is key to this. Find out when meals are to be served and, later, when plates and other debris will be collected. Even the most brilliant speech can be ruined if a team of chattering caterers enters stage left and exits stage right just as you're getting into the serious bit.

Speeches

Will there be a toastmaster, or will you do the honours? The traditional order of speeches is: bride's father (or guardian), groom and then you. However, it is becoming common practice nowadays for the bride to say a few words (let's hope her name isn't Catherine Tate). Other people may also want to have their twopenn'orth. If they want to, let them ... but this should be arranged well in advance. The important thing is that the toastmaster (or you) knows precisely who's going to be speaking, and in what order.

Music

Ask the bride and groom what they want to do about music. Think carefully about the sort of stuff that will be played. Even if they are seriously into rock, remember that guests may be aged anything between two and 92. And to most of them three hours of solid Trash would be rubbish. Keep it balanced. Give everybody something they like ... even if you hate it. (Grandma: 'They don't write music like that any more.' Grandson: 'Thank goodness.')

Do they want a live a band? Will there be background music during pre-dinner drinks? Will there be music for dancing (for want of a better word) afterwards? Do they want to hire a DJ? Do you feel confident and competent enough to audition a band or will you choose them by recommendation (and price)? Sort out the full programme, including the timing of any breaks. Whatever you do, don't pay fully in advance, or you may end up on the day with nothing more than the sweet Sounds of Silence.

PAYMENTS

Most of this will be taken care of in advance, probably by the groom or the bride's (now) poor old dad. But carry a little cash and some plastic with you on the day in case there are some unforeseen last-minute payments to be made. A punch on the nose by an untipped cabbie may cause offence.

YOUR GIFT

With all this going on it's all too easy to forget about getting that wedding pressie and card. Your choice will be largely determined by your personal budget, but try to get something that will be a happy memento for years to come. The shareholders of the Pound Shop should not benefit from your purchase. You could select something from the wedding gift list, or maybe get a pair of wine glasses or goblets. You will get extra Brownie points if you get them inscribed. Another safe bet would be a vase or a tea set ... Ming, not minging.

HONEYMOON PREPARATIONS

The groom (and maybe his bride) should have sorted all this out. Make sure they remember tickets, passports, visas, driving licence, inoculations, insurance and foreign currency. Items of a more personal nature are not your concern.

WEDDING EVE

If you're going to be doing any chauffeuring tomorrow, give the car its annual clean (yes, whether it needs it or not) and make sure there's plenty of petrol in the tank. If it's going to be a taxi job, give the company a ring to make sure they haven't forgotten you. Almost there now. Run through your speech and collect any telemessages and cards from the bride. Then get your monkey suit and other paraphernalia ready before you crash out. It will save you those all-important nanoseconds in the morning.

Easier said than done, but try to get our hero to bed early too. He's bound to be a bit nervous ... and so are you. Come to think of it, I'm beginning to feel a little edgy. By all means have a quiet shandy or two. But when you find yourselves discussing the meaning of life, it's time to call it a day. The Eleventh Commandment is: Thou shalt not get blathered. It just ain't worth it.