I don't want to be a spoilsport, but if you are going to prepare and present a brilliant speech you must stick to the ground rules. That doesn't mean you need to change from your trendy tuxedo into a straitjacket. Far from it. This is your gig. It simply means you are speaking at your friends' wedding reception, not at a stag do or a funeral.

Know your purpose

Your job is to respond to the groom's toast on behalf of the bridesmaids (and other attendants), make an hilarious and uplifting speech, toast the bride and groom and rush to the bar (or loo). Not much to ask, is it? Well no, it isn't. Read on.

Make happy talk

This is a joyous day. Your speech should reflect this. It is a tribute to the happy couple. This is not a time to share your personal woes, paint a gloomy picture of the present or offer dire predictions about the future. If the crowd wanted that they could have stayed at home and watched the News.

The bride's dad and her new hubby will have probably done more than enough of the serious and emotional stuff. What the audience wants now is to sit back, listen to a few kind words about the newlyweds ... and have a good laugh at the groom's expense.

Be original

Don't buy a speech. It cannot be original, personal and relevant, no matter what 'personalisation' sites might tell you. If you accept the role, you shouldn't treat your speech as a chore where you look for an easy way out.

Many people have donated their speeches to wedding websites. Highly laudable, I'm sure, but they are of limited value to a thinking best man. If you crib one-liners and jokes from 5-star speeches, the odds are that many in the crowd will have heard them spoken by other speakers who have cherry-picked exactly the same material. If you steal stuff from 1 -star speeches, by definition you will be regurgitating garbage.

Try to be as original as you can. That does not mean you shouldn't make use of other people's material. After all, they probably did. What it does mean is that you shouldn't simply lift jokes or stories. I'm not arguing morality here, I'm arguing practicality ... it won't work. That said, there's nothing wrong with adapting and personalising stuff you read or hear so it fits your precise requirements and becomes unrecognisable from its source. All speakers do it.

Keep your eyes and ears open. Inspiration can come at any time. Let's say our hero is the wrong side of 20 stone and he loves golf. You overhear the following down the pub:

That line could work well in your speech ... with a bit of adaptation and personalisation. You say:

Now that's being creative and original.

By all means read other people's speeches, including the Sample Speeches in this book, to get a feel about style and tone, to see what works and what bombs, and to pick out a few gags you may be able to adapt and personalise. But please don't cut and paste huge blocks of text.

In the same way that a woman doesn't want to turn up in the same dress as anyone else, so the best man should take pride in not turning up with the same speech as anyone else.

Content

It's fine to be a little risque ... in fact that's expected ('I must close now ... I've got a fair bit to do back at the flat'). But don't ruin the bride's big day by saying anything that undermines the institution of marriage or questions her morals. And don't model yourself on Bernard Manning or any other blue comic. If you sink to the lavatorial, your speech will be crap.

Here are some green, amber and red topics for your speech. Green means safe as houses. Amber means they could be included, in moderation, if you know the crowd is pretty broad-minded. Red means don't even think about it. As we are continually reminded, greens are good for you.

GREEN

• Childhood
• School
• College
• Jobs
• Hobbies
• Characteristics
• Friends
• Ambitions
• The perfect match
• How they met
• How you met
• The venue (positive)
• The food (positive)
• Compliments

AMBER

• The stag do (daytime)
• The honeymoon
• Admitting your nervousness
• Mother-in law jokes (if you are sure she and her partner won't be offended)

RED

• Exs
• Anything iffy about the bride
• Divorce
• Unemployment
• Addictions or counselling
• Brushes with the law (unless minor and one-off)
• Sexually-transmitted diseases
• Fetishes
• Knocking marriage or weddings
• Smutty jokes
• Racist, sexist or homophobic jokes
• The stag do (evening)- respect the Law of Stag
• The venue (negative)
• The food (negative)
• The bridesmaid you have the most wet dreams about

Be positively insulting

Your speech should include a humorous character assassination of the groom ... but all your insults and asides must be good-natured. Smile as you turn the knife. Think about his looks, characteristics, job, hobbies. There is bound to be plenty of scope for humour here.

It's fine to exaggerate and parody his little foibles, but your speech will only be truly effective if the audience recognises that all your gags and observations are based upon fundamental truths about him. If our golfing heavyweight has no dress sense, you could say:

But there's no point in telling the most hilarious joke about his beerdrinking exploits if his mates know his idea of a heavy night on the town is two pints of lager and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

Be inclusive

Choose your material with care. This is easy when all the group know each other – and they all know the bride and groom. At a wedding reception this is often not the case. People will soon lose interest if you rabbit on and on about people and places they don't know. Let's assume only half the guests know the groom is a tight-fisted so-and-so. Don't bore the others by relating a long story to illustrate the point. One simple gag will do the job:

Now everyone should find that amusing – with the possible exception of Mr Skinflint.

Sugar your teasing remarks with praise

You also need to offer a few optimistic thoughts about the bride, the groom and the marriage. Don't worry, you don't need to divide your speech into funny and congratulatory bits, or embarrass yourself and others by using gushing, extravagant language. A sincere compliment and a teasing jibe often fit well together, each reinforcing the other in a kind of verbal synergy. The trick is first to set up a situation which you can exploit with a teasing remark, before turning this into a genuine compliment. If the praise comes immediately after the crowd has had a good laugh, its effect on them will be at least doubled.

Alternatively, you can build up the bridegroom with a public compliment, before bringing him down to earth with a bang. You simply reverse your tease and praise.

Length

Whatever your other half may tell you to the contrary, size does matter. People today have the attention span of a cabbage. Eight to ten minutes of chatter is plenty long enough. Don't suffer from the illusion that you can make your speech immortal by making it everlasting. Stand up to be seen, speak up to be heard and sit down to be appreciated.