We asked a hundred wedding guests what a best man's most important job was. Guess what they all replied? That's right. Even if you are the most efficient, courteous and charming best man in the history of the universe, you will immediately become a serious contender for Jerk of the Year if you screw up your speech. No pressure there then.

Exceptionally, a best man can jot down a few hilarious anecdotes on Wedding Eve and then ad lib with the best of them, regaling both sides of the wedding party with excitement, empathy, enthusiasm, warmth and flair. And then there's everyone else. Most of us need at least a couple of pints before we can even think about being funny -and then only with people we know are polite or silly enough to laugh at our feeble attempts at humour. The very thought of standing, soberish, in front of a sea of sequins, suits and silent stares is a chilling prospect.

The solution is simple. Don't leave it to the last minute. The earlier you start thinking about your speech the better.

A great speech – your speech – needs to be personal, relevant and original. That's why I can't provide a simple template where you insert a few names, places and dates. What I can do is give you a loose skeleton. It is your job to put the flesh on the bones.

A BASIC STRUCTURE

Get a notebook and write the following headings on every other page:

• Opening lines and response on behalf of the bridesmaids
• Introduce yourself
• Set the tone
• Make a few general compliments
• Roast the groom
• Praise the groom
• Compliment the bride
• Congratulate the happy couple
• Offer a few pearls of wisdom
• Read the messages
• Big finish and toast

Some of your best ideas are likely to come at the most unlikely times – while shopping, watching TV, going to the loo. When you think of something that could work well for you, make a note of it on the relevant page. Use your notebook to collect enough ammunition on each of the broad areas you are expected to cover. Later you can get creative by playing around with things ... perhaps changing the order, adding something new, or joining a few bits together.

But we're running ahead of ourselves. At this stage you just need to start getting some ideas down on paper. And the more time you allow yourself to do this, the better the speech is likely to be.

OPENING LINES AND RESPONSE ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS

Grab the crowd's attention with a killer opening line. It doesn't have to be hilarious (although it helps if it is), but try to make it funny and original. Whatever you do, don't open the chatting with an old chestnut or an internet or e-mail favourite that people have probably heard or read a dozen times before.

Here are some possibilities to give you an idea of the right style and tone. Try to devise or adapt your own.

Here are some more openers suitable for a Best Girl and a Best Man double act:

Once you've got them laughing, get the response on behalf of the bridesmaids out of the way before you forget:

INTRODUCE YOURSELF

Let the punters know who you are. You could add something about how you met the groom, why he chose you, your role today ... and how you feel about this. It's also a good idea to tell a gag against yourself. Show them you don't take yourself too seriously. Self-mockery offends nobody and reminds the crowd what a likeable, loveable chap you are.

SET THE TONE

Let people know what's in store for Mr Right. Whet their appetite for the onslaught to follow.

MAKE A FEW GENERAL COMPLIMENTS

It's time for a bit of good, old-fashioned sincerity. So welcome the guests, congratulate the newlyweds, flatter the bridesmaids, thank the hosts and praise – well praise just about everyone and everything. Praise the hosts ('the nicest of people'), the groom ('the luckiest man in the world'), the bride ('doesn't she look radiant?'), the occasion ('this wonderful event'), the room ('these magnificent surroundings') and the meal ('it was nice to see the menu was in French – it made such a pleasant surprise each time the food arrived'). As always, try to balance genuine compliments with a few teasing remarks.

ROAST THE GROOM

This is where you go up a gear. If you decide to include a couple of stories, keep them short. People will soon lose interest if you drone on and on. It's safer to give them roasts and jokes based on his job, interests, looks, character traits. Write a few of these down and devise your material around them. You are presenting a verbal caricature here, so everything you say must have a ring of truth about it to be funny.

Let's assume groomie is a lazy, follicly-challenged armchair sportsman and occasional dodgy second-hand car dealer. (Why on earth did she choose him?) You might say:

PRAISE THE GROOM

I'm afraid it has to be done. Don't worry though – a cheesy compliment can always be followed by a cheeky put-down or two.

COMPLIMENT THE BRIDE

A few kind words about the bride will never go amiss. Keep any follow-up humour mild and to a minimum. After all, it's her big day and an unqualified compliment or two is sure to be appreciated. Try to come up with a couple in advance based on her personal circumstances or personality traits ('hard working', 'dependable', 'considerate', and so on). But be prepared to substitute or add a few topical references on the big day ('beautiful dress', 'lovely flowers', 'magnificent speech', or whatever).

CONGRATULATE THE HAPPY COUPLE

Keep the tone serious and sincere for a little longer. This unexpected change of style and presentation in what has otherwise been a lighthearted, jokey speech will work wonders for you. There won't be a dry eye in the house. You could even weave in a short quotation or poem if it suits the particular background and circumstances of the newly-weds.

OFFER A FEW PEARLS OF WISDOM

It's back to comedy mode. You are now expected to proffer some advice to the newly-weds. Leave any really serious or emotional stuff to the bride's father, or to the groom, if they're that way inclined.

READ THE MESSAGES

This is a good time to read messages from people who couldn't be there in person. You may have a combination of letters, cards, e-mails, texts and other telemessages to get through. Keep things interesting by providing a few background details about the people who sent them (not just 'Uncle Tom' but '[Groom's] 80-year-old Uncle Tom from South Africa, who decided to emigrate on the day he first met [groom]').

Try to end on a particularly high note. Perhaps with the funniest or most emotional message, with one from relatives who live on the other side of the world, or with one from some very old family friends (in either or preferably both senses of the phrase). Alternatively, you could make up the final message. However, if you do this, it should be obvious to everyone that it's a joke.

BIG FINISH AND TOAST

A wedding speech is like a love affair. Any fool can start one but to end it requires considerable skill. If you can find the ideal ending, you will inject that ultimate bit of magic. In the same way that your opening remarks should include both an attention-grabbing hook and a short response on behalf of the bridesmaids, so your final words (not literally, I trust) should include both a memorable closing line and a toast to the happy couple. Here are some possibilities, but, as always, try to be personal, relevant and original.

And thank you for laughing ... if you did. Now you've got all the ammunition you need, it's time to start thinking about writing your speech.