Okay, bestie, it's time to get down to the serious business of arranging a brilliant pre-wedding bash for the groom and his mates. Ask the condemned man for his final wishes. What sort of thing has he in mind? Does he want you to arrange everything or does he want to be involved? The odds are he will delegate most, if not all, of the responsibilities to you. After all, he has other things on his mind, like getting married.

When you were nowt but a lad a best man's job was easy, as most people's idea of a good stag do was half a dozen pints, a few shorts spiked with God knows what, followed by some seriously dodgy John Travolta impersonations on the dance floor, a vindaloo and a good honk. Nowadays people expect far more than this ... or perhaps as well as this.

In those days the nearest you'd be likely to get to Iceland was sitting in the car while your mum bought the frozen peas ... and the nearest you'd get to Turkey was when she was serving Christmas dinner. Today stag weekends in Reykjavik and Ankara are becoming more and more popular and affordable. Other current hotspots (and coldspots) include Amsterdam, Barcelona, Budapest, Edinburgh, Dublin, Ibiza, Prague, Tallinn and Vilnius.

And the expectations of stags have changed too. Darts has given way to drag racing. Shove-halfpenny has become surfing. Cards have been converted to combat games. Today, there is a seemingly endless array of leisure activities and pursuits available to keep the lads happy, amused and out of the watering hole ... well at least until after the six o'clock watershed.

So what sort of do are you going to arrange? As with many things in life, your options are largely dictated by dosh, or lack of it. Traditionally, the groom paid for everything. Today it is far more usual for each stag to pay his own share or, better still, to pay a bit extra so the groom doesn't have to cough up anything except possibly an unsavoury combination of carrots and tomatoes.

GET ORGANISED

The do needs to be properly planned, otherwise it will descend into chaos and you will end up concerned only with crowd control and damage limitation. Meet with the groom (and his wife-to-be, if he thinks it appropriate) as early as possible to talk things through. The three main areas to cover are:

• Invitations
• Date(s)
• Location and activities

Invitations

Who should be invited (and who should not)? Most of the names on the team sheet will probably be automatic choices. But how well would Sandy from the flower shop get on with Animal Andrews, who only got out last week? Ask yourself whether a few days together in a Big Brother House environment would be more likely to result in mirth or murder. If you do decide to invite both, it would probably be politic not to ask them to share a room. If one of your invitations is to a beer monster, give him a drinking mate with whom he can engage in synchronised stag staggering. It is also prudent to include a show pony, to provide the laughs, and a sensible lad, to help you all find the way home.

But what about brothers and fathers? A tricky one. The groom's brother should present no problem. But the bride's brother? Certain revelations and disclosures of a personal nature brought on by the groom's copious consumption of Cognac could cause considerable embarrassment all round in the cold light of day. Often the dilemma is avoided because the brother makes his excuses since he doesn't know (m)any of the other stags (phew, that was a close one). A stag do is an important rite of passage that a groom is supposed to share with peers, not parents. But what if a father is a middle-youthed Ozzy Osbourne hellraiser? If he still likes to let his hair down, even if he hasn't got any, you may decide he would be an asset.

Once the touring party has been selected and invitations accepted, make a note of everyone's mobile number and e-mail address. Set up two circular e-mail lists, one including and the other excluding the groom. In this way you can keep him informed of travel arrangements, accommodation and daytime activities, but keep him in the dark about what's likely to be going on (and coming off) when it gets dark.

Date(s)

It is best to arrange the stag do for about a month before the big day. This will give our hero plenty of time to sober up, find his trousers and get the tattoo removed by laser treatment. Try to agree on dates that most of the potential stags would find convenient. There will always be people who can't make it. One is sure to say he can't be there whatever dates are proposed ... he has such important things to do and the world must revolve around him. Every group has such a character. You know the guy I'm talking about in your little gang, don't you? Yes him. Ultimately, the groom must decide whether the presence of one or more elusive individuals justifies changing dates and potentially causing difficulties for everyone else.

Location and activities

I'm sure you'd love to spend some quality time together in Oz, Las Vegas or the Windies. Fact is though, unless you happen to meet the Duke of Westminster down the local next week and cultivate an instant lifelong friendship over a half of Newton and Ridleys, the odds of having enough readies to do this is at best doubtful. Your choice of location and activities therefore is dependent on your budget. How much are stags able and willing to spend? Find this out asap, appoint a treasurer (Nick Leeson wannabes need not apply) and nominate someone to regularly hound the stags for the rest of their money (an Animal Andrews character would prove an ideal candidate for this pivotal role).

You need to know what your budget is. How much money are we talking about per head? As a rough guide:

• Small budget = what you would spend on a good night out on the town
• Medium budget = the cost of a weekend break in the UK
• Big budget = enough to go on a mini-break abroad

Small budget

The best small-budget stag nights are much more than drunkathons at an old farts' pub. Why not visit a casino, rock concert or footie game? If you are planning on pubbing or clubbing, find a place which is stag-do-friendly (or at least not stag-do-unfriendly). Travel in small groups, keep your voices down and avoid eye contact with local heavies. And never argue with bouncers. You may have the more powerful intellectual argument, but they are bigger than you.

Medium budget

Things are looking up. How about arranging some entertainment and activities a little further afield? You could arrange a weekend away yourself. But it is probably worth paying a little more to get it done professionally. There are loads of companies out there who will be more than willing to grab your hard-earned cash in return for channelling your testosterone into something other than the coffers of the major brewers and the local kebab shop.

Is Mr Right (and his cronies) a clubber, an adrenaline junkie, an action man, a boy racer or a gambler? Probably more than one of these, right? But at least this will get you and him thinking about the kinds of activity he would most enjoy. After all, it is his last real weekend of freedom. A clubber would enjoy going to clubs (aren't you glad you bought this invaluable book?). Adrenaline junkies would get high with paragliders or parachutes (and later come down to earth with paramedics). Action men get their rocks off with abseiling or paintballing. Boy racers would be driven crazy by rally driving or quad biking. And it's odds on that gamblers would enjoy a day at the races, or an evening at the dogs. Make sure all the stags know precisely what's been planned so they can bring the right clothing and footwear ... or a sick note.

Why not hire a private room for the evening? Then all the fun and games before the close of play on day one can take place behind closed doors and you will be far less likely to get into a ruck with the front row of the town's first fifteen. Organise a kitty so people can't conveniently disappear to the gents when it's their round. Give the do a theme: Blues Brothers, Superheroes, Cartoon Characters ... anything you like really. Don't forget to bring along some of the usual stag night accessories such as comedy breasts, ball and chain, shackles, rubber chickens, blow-up sheep and inflatable dolls. And think about ordering some cheap(ish) customised clothes for the stags to wear. I know it sounds corny (and it is), but 15 men all with Tom's Farewell to Freedom Tour... Newquay 2007' and a picture of a pair of handcuffs on their T-shirts works really well and helps foster a great team spirit (God, I'm beginning to sound like a management consultant).

Big budget

If you flash the cash, the world is your lobster. The groom may already know where he wants to go. Remember, it's his me-time. If he doesn't, do a bit of googling. Key in 'Stag' and your chosen activity and you'll get loads of hits. Once you have narrowed them down a bit, find out if they have any special offers. Do they do customised packages? Precisely what is included (and what is not)? Where will you be flying from? Do they have a refund policy if someone drops out (hopefully not literally)? Be a pain. Get all their answers in writing. After all, you don't want your party to be featured on Holidays from Hell. Once you've chosen your package, check that your passport is up-to-date (did you have that haircut for a bet?) and – if you're going to somewhere really exotic – don't forget to invite me.

TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS

The important thing is to let everyone know what the travel arrangements are well in advance, and then to stick to them.

If it's a stag night on the town, arrange to meet in a pub in the town centre. Once all the crowd has arrived, check that you have not been joined by any unwanted randoms before you move on. If it's a stag weekend somewhere else in the UK, meet at the railway or bus station bar or café. If you're going abroad, get together in the airport bar, or – if funds allow – in the business or first-class lounge. But don't get blathered ... yet. Anyone who has watched Airline will know that drunks are not allowed anywhere near a plane. Don't get high or you won't get high.

Treat journeys to and from your destination as part of the weekend. If you are travelling by stretch limo or hired minibus, open the bubbly and play some cheesy and classy stuff that the groom was bopping to when he was about 15 or 16. Or get hold of one of those Now That's What I call Crap! sorry Music! compilations which have been churned out two or three times a year since the early 80s. If your coach has a TV, why not play a DVD to get the lads in the right mood for the festivities and frolics to follow? Here are a few offerings that all have a stag night theme: Stag (Kevin Dillon); Bachelor Party (Tom Hanks); The Wedding Tackle (Adrian Dunbar); Homer's Night Out (The Simpsons, Season 1); Staggered (Martin Clunes); Stag Night (Men Behaving Badly 6 – Neil Morrissey and Martin Clunes). No, Clunesy hasn't paid me to plug two of his DVDs.

PRANKS AND OTHER NOCTURNAL DELIGHTS

The groom could – and should – to some degree at least, have been involved in all the arrangements we've talked about so far. But now we come to the sneaky bit. No stag do is complete without the poor old groom suffering some form of personal indignity. A prank is as synonymous with a stag do as Botox is with Anne Robinson. The key is to be funny and original, but not vindictive. How far you go is up to you, bearing in mind both his personality and whether or not he is likely to shove your head up your backside. And remember: what goes on tour stays on tour.

Try to be original. Stripping him stark bollock naked and handcuffing him to a lamppost is a bit of a cliche nowadays. Getting someone to sow cress on a soaked carpet or to paint his house the colours of his least favourite team while he is away may be funny, but it is a little extreme. (Groom, please note that I did not suggest this, so don't be silly and put that lawyer away ... and I love that new exterior colour scheme.) More usual is to do something towards the end of the do that he will (later) find amusing and is not too dangerous or likely to leave any (permanent) scars. You could do worse than leave him stranded somewhere with only a thong, little black number and pair of oversized wellies for company ... or arrange a stripper who turns out to be a shemale.

Talking of strippers (what a link), I'm sure most grooms and fellow stags would appreciate the opportunity to demonstrate an artistic appreciation of the beauty of the female form. So unless you're near the Tate Gallery or my cousin Lulu's place, you will have no real alternative other than to visit a strip joint or lap-dancing club. I know you would prefer to stay in and play Scrabble, but come on, at times we all have to make sacrifices.