Many wedding speeches have been ruined by jokes that didn’t work, for one reason or another. That’s why humour is something to be approached with caution, although used wisely it works superbly well.

If you’re not a naturally ‘funny’ person you won’t suddenly transform yourself into one just because you’re standing up in front of a group of people. If anything, that tends to make you less, not more funny. So whatever happens don’t be persuaded to tell a few jokes if that’s something you would never dream of doing informally at a social gathering.

However, there are many ways in which you can use humour effectively even if you are not Jo Brand, Joan Rivers, or Victoria Wood – so fear not.

WOMEN CAN BE FUNNY WITHOUT BEING UNFEMININE

I don’t want you to think of me as a tedious old trout. But I have to say I can understand how some people, especially older ones, might be offended to hear a beautiful blushing bride tell bawdy, blue jokes in her wedding speech. That’s probably the domain of the best man if there is one - not because it’s a masculine privilege, but because it’s boring to all but his few drunken rugby friends at the back of the room.

However, as you can imagine there is a vast difference between that and being amusing. In some ways I think women speech makers have an easier job of making audiences laugh, because they can get a laugh on a much more subtle level than men can -especially from the other women in the audience. We girls do not need four-letter words or side-slapping hysterics; just a smile and a few choice words.

Anyway you look at it humour, correctly used by women or men, is one of the most powerful communication tools we have at our disposal. Incorrectly used, as I intimated above, it can be a recipe for disaster. But how you use humour for a wedding speech depends simply - like it does in pretty well all other circumstances - on using your common sense. That’s how you can get everyone laughing with you, not at you, and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.

So what techniques can we use to harness humour effectively?

UNDERSTAND YOUR AUDIENCE

That’s something we speech-writers promote very hard in the context of all types of speeches - political, business, motivational, educational, etc. And the more intimate your audience is, the more important it is to understand them very well if you’re going to make a connection with them, never mind make them laugh.

I’ve already talked about the research you need to do in earlier chapters, and why, so I won’t go on about it here. However I will remind you about the point I made that you must uncover any political/familial banana skins beforehand so you avoid slipping on them in your speech. And the easiest way in which you could make that mistake is in using (the wrong kind of) humour.

If your audience and the rest of the bridal party all have a keen sense of humour you won’t need to be quite so careful. Sadly, circumstances like this are rare. Let’s see, then, how we can minimise the risks while making everyone smile.

First of all, use humour about situations, not people

The butt of many jokes and other humour is a person or group of people, so it’s hardly surprising that offence is caused. The more extreme types are obvious - mother-in-law jokes, blonde jokes, women jokes, men jokes - but there are many more subtle ones too.

Then there are the nationality gags. I remember in one year hearing exactly the same joke (in three different languages) told by an American about the Polish, by a Canadian about Newfoundlanders, by a French person about Belgians, by a French-speaking Belgian about the Flemish, and by a Flemish person about the Dutch. But I digress.

Most humour is going to involve people in one way or another. However, as long as the butt of the joke is a situation or set of circumstances, not the people, you’re far less likely to upset anyone. And there is an added advantage here.

People will usually identify with a situation

Take this one for example:

Some people are driving along at night and are stopped by a police car. The officer goes to the driver and warns him that one of the rear lights on his vehicle isn’t working. The driver jumps out and looks terribly upset. The officer reassures him that he won’t get a ticket, it’s just a warning, so there’s no problem. ‘Oh yes, there is a problem,’ says the man as he rushes towards the back of the car. ‘If you could see my rear lights it means I’ve lost my trailer.’

As the butt of the joke is the broken rear light and the loss of the trailer, not the policeman or the driver, no one can be offended. And most people can identify with how that would feel.

A PLAY ON THE WORDS: NOT ALWAYS A WISE CHOICE

Another key issue with humour is wordplays, puns, and anything else that’s based on figurative speech, slang, or jargon. The short answer is they don’t always work - especially if you have other-language speakers at the wedding. However if the play ordouble entendre is in the concept rather than the words, it probably will work.

These may be funny to us, but would not be understood by anyone who is not a good English speaker (or who is older or otherwise less likely to be up to speed about current affairs, etc.) because there is a play on the words:

• Déjà moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

These, however, probably would be understood because the humour is in the concept, not in the words themselves:

• You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOUR

Many cultures - especially British - appreciate speech-makers who use humour against themselves. That’s safe, at least, because you don’t risk hurting anyone else’s feelings, and it can be very funny.

Let’s look at two different ways to tell this story during a speech by you, the bride, thanking your father for his opening address. Your father has been bald since he was in his twenties, by the way.

• 1I remember when I was little I asked Mum why Dad had so few hairs on his head. She said, ‘Because your Dad thinks a lot. You know what they say grass doesn’t grow on a busy road.’ ‘Oh,’ I said, ‘why haveyou got somuch hair then, Mum?’
• 2I remember when I was little I asked Mum why Dad had so few hairs on his head. She said, ‘Because your Dad thinks a lot. You know what they say grass doesn’t grow on a busy road.’ ‘Oh,’ I said, ‘why have I got somuch hair then, Mum?’

The gag is essentially the same in both versions, only in the second you have turned it against yourself - not your Mum. A safer alternative, unless Mum can take a joke.

Self-deprecating humour is very effective provided that it does not start to verge on the paranoid. Depending on who you are in the speech line-up, a couple of gags against yourself, especially at the beginning of your speech, will possibly help to lighten everything up and get the audience chuckling. However you do not want it to turn into a catalogue of misfortunes. This is a wedding - so stay positive!

JOKES - HOW TO PERSONALISE THEM

Over the years I have collected a database of thousands of jokes which I use to ‘switch’ for clients’ speeches, presentations, cabarets and business theatre. The technique works for any kind of speech, though. Basically what you do is take the hub or kernel of a joke and build up the surrounding story in line with your subject matter. For example:

Original

The food in this hotel is disgusting. What could I do about it?

You’d better bring it up at the New Guests’ Welcome Meeting.

Adaptation

(As chief bridesmaid) Some of you here will remember that Cassie’s hen night was quite an occasion, in fact my memories of it aren’t all that clear after about the seventh glass of champagne, but still! One thing I do remember though was that breakfast the next morning was awful - greasy, cold scrambled eggs and undercooked kippers. I remember poor Cassie complaining about it and I told her not to worry, we would bring it up as soon as I could find the manager.

Original

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

’It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘University of Oklahoma.’

Adaptation

(As mother of the bridegroom) I don’t want to worry you today of all days, Sheila, but I think I should warn you that Brian’s idea of being domestic isn’t quite what ours is. I remember not that long ago when he was at our house he decided to wash his favourite shirt so he took it into the kitchen and put it in the machine. Then he shouted to me, ‘What programme should I put it on, Mum?”Well it depends,’ I said. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

There was a pause for a couple of seconds and then he shouted back, ‘Grantham United F.C’

Using external sources of jokes and funny lines and then personalising them has the great advantage of offering you a huge choice of material (more of that and where to find it in the resources section at the back of this book). In the meantime though, what about internal humour?

’IN-JOKES’ -THE PROS AND CONS

’In-jokes’ are jokes which are hilariously funny to a group of people who know each other very well, but are unlikely to raise more than a smile - if that - from an outsider. Correctly used, in-jokes are extremely effective.

They work particularly well for company events where the speaker can send up the boss’s golf handicap or the finance director’s bonsai trees or anything else that’s commonly gossiped about by the water cooler in the office.

Here’s an example of how in-jokes work in a business context. As expected, these aren’t very funny if you don’t know the circumstances and people involved. But because everyone in this audience knew the characters referred to very well, the seemingly mild gags brought the house down. The occasion was a business conference for a large UK telecommunications corporation.

Flight attendant 1: Good morning/afternoon ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of Captain XXX and his crew we’d like to welcome you aboard this British Teleways flight 2002 to ICT Solution Sales Training - our fantastic new destination channel that’s going to be a realwinner with all our passengers next year.

As this is our maiden flight to the new destination you’ll be pleased to hear that our in-flight entertainment today is all live and all performed by female flight attendants.

Flight attendant 2: It’s for this reason that the two Senior Captains who should have been travelling with us today were especially disappointed not to be on the flight afterall. They of course are Captain Peter YYY who reluctantly decided to take himself by sea - and Captain Phil ZZZ who is flying at 30,000 feet anyway, now that Wolverhampton Wanderers have finally got to the top of the 1st Division.

Now let’s take a look at how the in-jokes concept can work for a social occasion. The following are excerpts from speeches I wrote for a bar mitzvah. The first is by the bar mitzvah boy’s 16-year-old brother, and the second by the (13 year old) bar mitzvah boy himself. I spent about a week on and off with this family getting to know their personalities and in-jokes and it paid off. They and their 350 guests thought the speeches were fantastic. Mind you they all knew the boys and their personalities really well. Just for fun, see how much you can gather about their personalities from the in-jokes I’ve used for them.

Older brother:Good evening. I’d like to spend the next few minutes talking to you about XXX.

It started way back when he appeared as a cute little baby. Apart from our parents that’s the only thing we’ve ever had in common.

But we’re so different, I think my parents probably brought him home from a maternity clinic on another planet.

Take food, for example. Whereas I’m a bit picky and enjoy the finer culinary delights … with XXX, you could serve him a plate of roasted football boots and he ‘d eat it. As long as there was lots of it and plenty of ketchup. And of course, he doesn’t share. He hoards food like it’s going out of fashion. I like to make my Mum her favourite snack when she’s up in the office working late. XXX might think of doing that but he’d eat it himself on the way upstairs.

Now … clothes. Everybody jokes about the fact I like Gucci and Prada, but after all, I amthe son of a fashion-conscious family. But the closest XXX’s ever come to being label conscious, is knowing the difference between Arsenal home and away shirts. And that’s when he’s going somewhere special. The rest of the time he’s so badly dressed even the dog won’t be seen out with him.

Being tidy is another thing. OK, I admit it. I’m not tidy. Well, I’m the creative type. But XXX’s so obsessed with neatness and regularity, he’d drive an accountant to distraction. He even makes his bed in the morning half asleep as the alarm’s going off, before he’s even finished getting out of it.

Then, there’s preparations. I tend to make mine for things at the last minute, when it’s all fresh in my mind. But even when he’s just getting ready for school, XXX’s got to have everything laid out like it was morning drill in an

Army boot camp. Sometimes I wonder why he even bothers to go to bed. If he didn’t he could then use the whole night to get ready for school.

Sport is another thing. My idea of good sport is something with a bit of class, you know, backgammon or chess. But XXX’s out there every weekend running after a ball in six inches of mud. At least that David Beckham manages to dress reasonably well. That’s amazing considering he’s depriving some village of an idiot. Perhaps that’s why he plays for Arsenal.

Younger brother(Bar mitzvah boy): … YYY is pretty strong as well. But I’m getting stronger and can deck him in a double armlock any time I like. I know he complains that I don’t share with him. I don’t understand it. I’ve offered to share a lot of my things with him but he’s not interested. Not my hoards of chocolate biscuits, Westlife CDs, dirty football kit, nothing.

It’s all very well for him to laugh at me taking plenty of time to get ready for school. But I think that’s a lot better than his way … being shouted at eight times to make his bed … and leaving everything so late he’s running out to the car still trying to do up his trousers.

And as for all this fashion stuff … well, YYY, I know David Beckham wears lots of Gucci and Prada. (Sarcastically)And that says a lot for Beckham’s brain power, doesn’t it?

Anyway if YYY wasgoing to play any games at all, they’d be with Mrs Beckham, wouldn’t they!

Well, maybe YYY and I did come from different planets. On the other hand, we orbit around the same thing -our family.

Okay, we’re really different, but we’re both loyal players on the ZZZ team. Actually I couldn’t wish for a better brother. Nobody else could argue so well.

’In-jokes’ for wedding speeches: yes, but…

We can all be forgiven for thinking that in-jokes such as those I’ve shown above would work well for a wedding speech. Well, the answer is yes, but…

It all comes back to my earlier point about really understanding your audience.

One wonderful thing about marriage is that often it brings two entirely different families - two entirely different groups of people - together. But that’s where a problem can begin if you tell in-jokes; one half of the audience will find them hilarious while the other half doesn’t begin to understand what you’re talking about.

And don’t forget, even if the audience at a wedding is relatively small, it can still comprise a surprisingly wide range of people in terms of age, cultural/ethnic background, and so on.

My advice is, only tell in-jokes if one or more of the following apply:

• both families come from the same community/ethnic group
• both family/social groups have known each other for a long time, very well
• you know the whole audience (possibly a small one) is closely acquainted with both bride and groom.

And now don’t forget, there is more to life than humour. How about poetry?