Mess test. Smear Marmite on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish finger behind the settee and leave it there all summer.

Toy test. Obtain a giant box of Lego or K’nex. If those aren’t available, you may substitute drawing pins or broken bottles. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this could wake a child at night.

Supermarket test. Borrow one or two small animals -goats are good - and take them with you as you shop at Tesco or Sainsburys. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Getting Dressed test. Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding test. Obtain a large plastic jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy Cocoa Pops or Cheerios into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night test. Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Physical test for women. Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical test for men. Go to the nearest Boots the Chemists. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the assistant to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your entire salary to be transferred directly to the store’s bank account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final assignment. Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

(ALTERNATIVELY, THIS COULD BE USED IF THE BRIDE IS PREGNANT OR THE COUPLE ARE KNOWN TO WANT TO START A FAMILY SOON. TAKE OUT A PIECE OF PAPER ON WHICH YOUR CHOICE OF THE FOLLOWING ARE WRITTEN, AND READ THEM OUT.)

I know [bride and groom] love children and plan to have several, but I think I should share a few words of warning about the whole thing. I found these questions and answers in a very respectable parenting magazine and I just wonder how [bride and groom] will feel about them all. Anyway I’d like to read out a few of them now to see what everyone thinks.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or flu?

A: If it’s flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a supermodel?

A: Nothing - if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q: My ante-natal instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a hurricane might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason why I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?

A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause haemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to breastfeed.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from breastfeeding?

A: When you see teeth marks.

(THIS ONE IS APPROPRIATE FOR A MARRIAGE WHERE THERE ARE TEENAGE CHILDREN ON ONE OR BOTH SIDES.)I’m especially pleased to see how terrific [teenagers’ names] look today, we’re all incredibly proud of you. However I do know that teenagers aren’t always as angelic as [names] are, and for spouse who doesn–t have teenage kids, if appropriate’s benefit if nothing else, I’d like to share these few short comparisons between teenagers and cats.

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy - a sense of complete and utter boredom.

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behaviour.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinary surgeons. It

is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

JOKES ...THE BIG ISSUE

In Chapter 3 I tried to share with you the basics of expressing humour in speeches, and I hope that has made sense to you. In this chapter though, where we’re talking resources and actual jokes rather than theory, I’ve had to rely on my own taste and judgement by selecting jokes - or at least joke bases - that I think would work well for you.

Out there on the internet (see Resources, pages 204-5) there are thousands of jokes about weddings, marriage, love, men, women and a zillion other topics. But the trouble is, so many of them are negative and not very funny. What I’ve tried to do here is assemble some sample jokes that are a) appropriate for women to recount, as most wedding jokes are intended to be spoken by men and b) funny without being overly negative or bitchy about the whole marriage thing.

Obviously if you want to go for jokes and gags that do send up marriage and all that surrounds it, you have many options to choose from and I have indicated where to find those in Resources, pages 204-5.

However, well ... maybe I’m a bit of a romantic and all that, but I think women can make jokes that are a cut above the run-of-the-mill sarcastic, wee-wee taking gags you’ll find in the majority of wedding speech books and on wedding websites. A little irony is great, but too much - frankly - sucks. (You’ll find my email details elsewhere in this book if you want to share your disagreement with me!)

Some mechanical details

Throughout this chapter you’ll find short sections in italics and some using capital letters in (BRACKETS).

The sections in italics are my suggestions for how you could personalise some or all of the joke in your speech. You will obviously want to adapt that to your own style and circumstances. But don’t forget to do it. That way the audience won’t know until a little later that you’re not saying something seriously – which makes the joke funnier.

The capitals in brackets are intended as ‘stage directions’ to help you make the joke work.

I hope you have as many laughs reading - and using - these jokes as I had when putting them together!

MEN

I’m delighted to say that [bride] has given a really useful gift to (groom) as a wedding present. It’s a two-day course that would benefit any typical man. (PULL OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND READ FROM IT -SELECT AND WRITE IN YOUR FAVOURITES FROM THE LIST BELOW!) Here are some of the topics they’ll be learning:

How to fill ice cube trays.

Step-by-step guide with slide presentation.

Toilet rolls - do they grow on holders?

Roundtable discussion.

Differences between dirty washing basket and the floor.

Practising with hamper, includes pictures and graphics.

Crockery and cutlery: do they fly to the kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?

Debate among a panel of experts.

Learning how to find things.

Open forum entitled, ‘Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming’.

Empty milk cartons: do they belong in the fridge or in the rubbish bin?

Group discussion and role play.

Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.

PowerPoint presentation.

Real men ask for directions when they’re lost.

Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks the car?

Driving simulation.

How to be the ideal shopping companion.

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Remember important dates and telephoning when you’re going to be late.

Bring your diary or PDA to class.

Now, we all know just how much careful planning and preparation has gone into this wonderful day and I really do congratulate [woman’s name] on organising everything so beautifully. But can you imagine how things would have been if organising the wedding had been left up to the men?

(YOU MAY BE ABLE TO PERSONALISE THE FOLLOWING, ESPECIALLY IF YOU KNOW THE GROOM AND/OR BEST MAN HAS FAVOURITE BRANDS OF BEER, TYPES OF FOOD, ETC.)

The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel and be tightly fitted around her bottom.

Bridesmaids would wear matching denim micro skirts and skimpy halter tops.

Morning suits/dress suits would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colours.

Summer weddings would be planned around the soccer Cup Finals and county cricket.

Idiots that tried to dance with the bride would get punched in the head, unless they were really old.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast, a barbecue, or a special order from McDonalds, KFC, or the Balti Curry House up the road.

Drinks would consist of copious quantities of Foster’s with a few Bacardi Breezers for the girls.

The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

MEN AND WOMEN

A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he needs.

A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

(THIS IS A LONG ONE BUT IS ESPECIALLY APPROPRIATE IF THE BRIDE AND GROOM WORK TOGETHER, OR PLAN TO.)These days no one bats an eyelid when husband and wife work together as [bride and groom] do. In fact it’s usually a highly effective partnership. But it hasn’t always been that way. Take, for example, this couple from(NAME A CITY REASONABLY LOCAL TO THE WEDDING) back in the 1960s.

On their wedding night, the bride approached her new husband and asked for £10 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around lunchtime one day, she was surprised to find her husband very drunk. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been made redundant. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him bank statements which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million, and told him that they had the most substantial savings that branch of the bank had ever known. She explained that while she was charging him for making love all these years, she had invested every penny and they were now millionaires.

Her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

Well, some men just don’t know when to shut up, because that’s when she shot him.

(THIS ONE MIGHT BE APPROPRIATE IF YOUR SPEECH IS REPLACING THAT OF A BEST MAN). I really feel that in my role as best man today I ought to tell a joke or two, in that tradition. However being a woman, I’d like to share this particular story with you ... it’s a girls’ story but I hope all the men here who have a sense of humour will enjoy it as much as we do.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20 ... on one condition’. (There are always conditions.) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’ (Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a £20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said ...

’Clean my house.’

(THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD ICE-BREAKER AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR SPEECH.) I thought the service today was absolutely delightful and the prayers, especially, I found incredibly moving. It did occur to me to suggest a couple of other prayers to be spoken by [bride] and [groom], but sadly the others talked me out of it. All the same I thought you’d like to hear what I had in mind ...

[Bride’s] Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to ‘how big’s my behind?’

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

[Groom’s] Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns an off-licence shop and a boat. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a toss.

MARRIAGE

(THIS COULD FOLLOW A SECTION IN WHICH YOU TALK ABOUT WHEN THE GROOM PROPOSED TO THE BRIDE.)Mind you, it was just as well that [groom] popped the question so directly to [bride] and there were no misunderstandings. Not like Bill and Lynn, some friends of mine from [place of your choice].

For months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had gathered enough courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions. ‘There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,’ Bill began, ‘but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.’

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded, ‘I think it’s a great idea! Can I help you choose your puppy?’

Well, speaking as a happily married woman I have to give [bride and groom] some useful advice.

For starters, you must go out to dinner twice a week.[Groom] should go on Tuesdays, [bride] on Thursdays.

It’s also a good idea to sleep in separate beds -[groom’s] in London, [bride’s] in Birmingham.

Some advice for [groom] the best time to do the washing-up is right after [bride] tells you to.

These are the three true options to consider when married people say they’ve never argued in more than 40 years of marriage...

• 1.They’re lying.
• 2.They have very poor memories.
• 3.Or, they’ve led a very, very, dull life together.

(FIND OUT IF THE BRIDE INTENDS TO USE HER HUSBAND’S NAME, KEEP HER OWN, OR COMBINE THE TWO NAMES.)As you may already know [bride and groom] intend to [whatever option they’re going to use]. But it doesn’t always work out quite so well. For Example:

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she’d have been Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton had married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If the rap singer Snoop Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Dogg Pooh.

If Woody Allen had married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married American football player Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, ‘Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.’

Here’s a tip for [groom] on how to be the perfect husband always remember [bride’s] birthday and always forget her age!

WEDDINGS

You know, when I was single I would go to family weddings and old aunts would come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, saying, ‘you’re next’. They stopped when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

D’you know, I think [groom] and [bride’s father] have a lot in common. Interestingly many girls seem to marry guys who are like their fathers. Perhaps that’s why you see so many Mums crying at weddings.

NEWLY-WEDS

Of course we all know that [bride and groom] have a very equal and well balanced relationship, but if ever there’s any doubt we should learn from this young couple who were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As she got undressed for bed, her husband threw his trousers across to her and said, ‘Here, put these on.’ She put them on and of course they were way too big for her.

’I can’t wear your trousers,’ she said.

’Right,’ said the husband, ‘and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the trousers in this family!’

With that, she chucked her knickers over to him and said, ‘put these on.’ He tried, but of course he could only get them on as far as his knee.

He said, ‘Damn, I can’t get into your knickers!’

And she said, ‘That’s right - and that’s how it’s going to stay until you stop being such a male chauvinist pig.’

One thing about living together and getting married is that it can take some of the romance away from a relationship. For example,(GIVE A GENTLE EXAMPLE OF EITHER BRIDE OR GROOM’S PERSONAL ‘HABITS’ THAT THEY MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE REVEAL!)But that’s nothing compared to a couple from [name city] I heard about recently.

They had decided to get married and as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. ‘Father,’ he said, ‘I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.’

His father replied, ‘Do you love this girl?’

’Oh yes, very much,’ he said,’ but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them.’

’No problem,’ said dad, ‘all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.’

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom. ‘Mom,’ she said, ‘When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.’

’Don’t worry, love,’ her mother consoled, ‘everyone has bad breath in the morning.’

’No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.’

Her mother said simply, ‘In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.’

’I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?’ the daughter asked.

’Not a word,’ her mother affirmed.

’Well, it’s certainly worth a try,’ she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, ‘What on earth are you doing?’

’Oh, my God,’ he replies, ‘you’ve swallowed my sock!’

MAKING SPEECHES

(AT BEGINNING OF YOUR SPEECH) Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for black gold. If you don’t strike oil in 10 minutes, stop boring. So I’d better get on with this one!

(AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR SPEECH)I’m told that the best speech-makers follow three simple rules. Stand up. Speak up. Then, very quickly, shut up. I’ll try to stick to that advice.

Before I finish, let me just remind you of something that Lord Mancroft once said ... a speech is like a love affair. Any fool can start it, but to end it requires considerable skill.Well, I can think of no more skilful and delightful way to end this speech, than by asking you please to stand up and raise your glasses to ...

I know some people think it’s a bit of novelty that a woman should be making a speech at a wedding. But if there is anyone here thinks it’s easy compared with making the best man’s speech, let me remind you about Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. They were probably the most successful dance partnership ever. Fred Astaire of course, was a superb dancer. But so was Ginger Rogers. And she had to do it all going backwards in high heels.

Making a speech like this is a bit like having children – easy to conceive, but hard to deliver.

FATHERS

(THIS ONE COULD BE TOLD BY THE BRIDE, THE SISTER OR MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, OR THE GROOM’S DAUGHTER. I’VE DONE A SAMPLE LEAD-IN WHICH YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO ADAPT. WHEN THE TIME COMES PULL OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND READ FROM IT. MAKE YOUR SELECTION FROM THE FOLLOWING.)

The other day I was clearing out some old papers and I found this - some rules that Dad had written out when I/[bride] was pretty young but starting to go out with boys.

Rule One. If you pull your car into my drive and hoot your horn you’d better be delivering a parcel, because I can promise you you’re not picking anything up.

Rule Two. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them. Probably with my ceremonial sword.

Rule Three. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising a ‘barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier. And I certainly will kill you.

Rule Four. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is ‘early’.

Rule Five. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to go out with other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to go out with no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Six. As you stand in my front hall waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the cinema, you should not be going out with a girl. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Forth Road Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Seven. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a heavy anorak zipped up to her throat. Films with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; films which feature chain saws are okay. Soccer matches are okay. Senior citizens’ homes are better.

Rule Eight. Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a spade, and five acres of deserted wasteland just behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Nine. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the drive for a chopper coming in over a muddy field near Goose Green. When my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my shotgun as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the drive you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.

Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

MOTHERS

(THESE ONE-LINERS WOULD WORK EITHER IF YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE OR GROOM, OR IF THE BRIDE IS YOUR MOTHER. TAKE YOUR PICK FROM YOUR FAVOURITES BELOW! I’VE DONE A SAMPLE LEAD-IN FOR BOTH VERSIONS.)

(IF YOU ARE THE MOTHER)always worked hard to try to share my own hard-earned wisdom with [name] and gave him/her specific advice. Well, on things like:

(IF THE BRIDE IS YOUR MOTHER)Mum always gave me such valuable advice on a whole range of important issues. You know, like on:

Religion - ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’

Time travel -’If you don’t shut up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

Logic- ‘Because I said so, that’s why.’

Foresight - ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’

Irony - ‘Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.’

Osmosis - ‘Shut your mouth and eat your tea!’

Contortionism - ‘Will you ‘look’ at the muck on the back of your neck!’

Stamina - ‘You’ll sit there ‘till all those sprouts are finished.’

Meteorology - ‘It looks as if a hurricane swept through your room.’

Anticipation - ‘You just wait and see what I’ll give you when we get home!’

Astrophysics - ‘If I shouted because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?

Hypocrisy - ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - Don’t Exaggerate!!!’

The circle of life - ‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’

Behaviour modification - ‘Stop acting like your father!’

Envy - ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!’

Ophthalmology - ‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay like that.’

Clairvoyance - ‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?’

Sick humour - ‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’

Adulthood - ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’

Genetics - ‘You’re just like your father.’

Genealogy - ‘Do you think you were born in a barn?’

Wisdom - ‘When you get to be my age, you will understand.’

Justice - ‘One day you’ll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!’

When my sister got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with mother in the living room as [bride] descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

’You’re not losing a daughter,’ I reminded her in time-honoured fashion. ‘You’re gaining a son.’

’Oh, forget about that!’ she said with a sob. ‘I used to fit into that dress!’

(HOW TO PERSONALISE THIS ONE)

(IF YOURE THE BRIDE’S MOTHER)When we were preparing for the wedding, at one point [bride] thought she might like to wear my wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting in the living room as (bride) walked down the stairs. The dress was a perfect fit on her petite frame. I burst into tears, so [bride] put her arm around me and said, ‘don’t worry Mum, you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.’

’Oh, forget about that!’ I said, sobbing. ‘I used to fit into that dress!’

(IF YOU’RE THE BRIDE)When we were preparing for the wedding, at one point I thought I might like to wear Mum’s wedding dress. The day I tried it on for the first time she was sitting in the living room as I walked down the stairs. The dress was a perfect fit. Mum burst into tears, so I put her arm around her, like you do, and said, ‘Don’t worry Mum, you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.’

’Oh, forget about that!’ she said, sobbing. ‘I used to fit into that dress!’

(IF YOU’RE THE BRIDE’S SISTER)When we were preparing for the wedding, at one point [bride] thought she might like to wear Mum’s wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time we were all sitting in the living room as [bride] walked down the stairs. The dress was a perfect fit. Mum burst into tears, so [bride] put her arm around her, like you do, and said, ‘don’t worry Mum, you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.’

’Oh, forget about that!’ she said, sobbing. ‘Iused to fit into that dress!’

CHILDREN

(IF WEDDING HAS TAKEN PLACE IN A CHURCH WITH A CEMETERY.) Earlier on little [name] and I were walking through the churchyard and she saw a gravestone that said, ‘here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.’ She looked up at me and said ’[however she would address you] why would they bury two men in the same grave?

(THIS IS A SIMILAR JOKE)Earlier on I heard one of the children ask her Mum why [bride] is dressed in white. Her Mum said, ‘because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of [bride’s] life’.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black grey I dark blue?’

(THIS COULD BE USED IF THE BRIDE IS PREGNANT OR THE COUPLE ARE KNOWN TO WANT TO START A FAMILY SOON. TAKE OUT A PIECE OF PAPER ON WHICH YOUR CHOICE OF THE FOLLOWING ARE WRITTEN, AND READ THEM OUT.)

I know [bride and groom] love children and plan to have several, but I think I should share a few words of warning about the whole thing. I found this series of tests written up in a very respectable parenting magazine and I just wonder if [bride and groom] would pass them all? Anyway I’d like to read out a few of them now to see what everyone thinks.