I know you’re busy - particularly if you’re the bride - but believe me, it really is worth putting some time aside to prepare your speech properly. First of all, proper preparation will mean your speech probably will be much better than the ‘off-the-cuff variety. And secondly, the fact of having prepared and rehearsed it properly will give you plenty of confidence when you get up there to deliver it.

So, where to start? Well, you may want to start straight in with making notes and bullet points to form a structure, then filling in the details as you go along. For the sake of this book, though, I’m assuming that at this stage you’re not yet sure what you want to talk about. In this case the best way to start is to do some research.

RESEARCH: WHO TO TALK TO

If you’re the bride, there shouldn’t be too many problems here as you’re likely to know - or at least know of - all the key people on both sides of the family. But depending on what you decide to talk about in your speech (see Chapter 7) you may want to step beyond the obvious. For example, you might want to find out some of your husband-to-be’s deep, dark secrets of the past from people such as his former school teachers, college lecturers, work colleagues, etc., and then surprise him with what you discover!

If you’re not the bride you may well want to communicate with other members of the wedding party to get background information for your speech. Working closely with the bride and groom (you don’t have to reveal your actual findings to them if you want them to be a surprise on the day) should enable you to get access to whoever you need to speak to. With modern IT and communications it shouldn’t be difficult to get in touch even if the people you want to talk to live many miles away.

The next stage is to create appropriate questions that will ensure you get the fullest and most informative answers.

RESEARCH: HOW TO GET GOOD ANSWERS

Formal though it sounds, the best way to get good answers from people for your speech research is to use a structured interviewing format. It doesn’t need to sound formal, but by following a structure you’ll be sure to get as much information as possible. And, the structure will help both you and the person you’re interviewing to cover as much ground as possible.

Rather than reinvent wheels I have included here an excerpt from one of my earlier books,Powerwriting (Prentice Hall Books, 2002). This was based on my own interviewing experience for video, audio and printed corporate interviewing over umpty-dump years, and trust me - it works.

Here, then, are some ideas on getting through to someone you’ve never met before.

And whether you know the person or not, here is a list of tips which will help you get the best from the interview itself.

• Base your questions on the news reporters’ list of ‘who, what, where, when, how and why’. In other words, start each question with one of those words, or something similar.
• Never ask a question that can be answered with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. Use the news reporters’ list as a basis.
  • Wrong way: ‘Do you remember what John liked to eat when he was a little boy?’
  • Right way: ‘In your recollection, what was John’s favourite food when he was a little boy?’
• Be tactful and polite - never aggressive.
  • Wrong way: ‘Surely you remember what John’s favourite foods were when he was a little boy?’
  • Right way: ‘I know it was a long time ago, but what can you remember about John’s favourite foods when he was a little boy?’

• If you think the person needs prompting, you can try adding a small suggestion to your question. Be careful not to overdo it or you could put the person off.
  • Wrong way: ‘In your recollection, what was John’s favourite food when he was a little boy? Did he like sausages, chips, ice cream, or what?’
  • Right way: ‘In your recollection, what was John’s favourite food when he was a little boy? Did he like all the usual childhood things, or was there anything special?’
• Always make your questions open-ended, so they invite an answer.
  • Wrong way: ‘Would you say John liked all the usual childhood foods when he was a little boy?’
  • Right way: ‘How do you think John’s food preferences compared with those of other kids when he was a little boy?’
• Ask for opinions. People love to give their opinions, and these often reveal many interesting points.
• When asking a question, just ask one - don’t include more than one key thought, or you will confuse the person you’re interviewing.
• When you’ve asked a question, shut up. Let the person speak. Don’t interrupt or attempt to steer what they’re saying. If you feel they need encouragement, smile and nod, and/or interject the odd ‘really?’, ‘wow, amazing!’, ‘you’re kidding’, etc., to spur them on.
• If they falter or hesitate on an important point, don’t press them on it. Ask them something else, then return to your original point later on, remembering to ask the question in a different way so they don’t realise it’s the same point. You’ll be surprised how well that can work.

If you’re ‘interviewing’ people by email, you can still use the points above in the way you structure your written questions to people. A tip here: I’ve always found that people respond much more fully and enthusiastically to email requests for information if I provide them with a short ‘questionnaire’. Should you merely ask them to tell you what they can about John when he was a little boy, usually you’ll find the answers that come back are rather sparse. However, even just a few imaginative questions will trigger their memories and your information feedback will be far more meaty.

ASSEMBLING YOUR CONTENT

Hopefully by now you will have lots of ideas of what you want to talk about in your speech - and we’ll go into more about that in Part 2. For now, though, we’re still looking at the nuts and bolts of how to get your material together. And the next stage to consider is getting something down on screen or paper; not a structure or running order yet, merely some ideas - a written brainstorm, if you like.

If you’re good with computers and IT you’ll find there are numerous software programs you can use to create an on-screen brainstorm. (To find a few, just key ‘mind mapping’ into the Google search box. At the time of writing there were a mere 1,170,000 entries under that heading.)

If you’re a Luddite like me, you may prefer to use a large piece of paper and a pen or pencil to scribble down all the elements you’d like to include in your speech. Don’t worry if you think there are too many; you can reduce them later. Just let yourself go and express your thoughts freely.

Within all these scribblings, you need to include the ‘have to’ elements of your speech. What these are depends on your role in the proceedings, but especially if you are replacing one of the key traditional male roles, you will need to be mindful of the obligations discussed in Chapter 1. Also, no matter what your role, you should have worked out with the other speakers what (if any) obligation elements of the day are being allocated to you. Ensure they feature prominently in your scribblings.

Assuming you have started preparations for your speech in plenty of time (and you will, won’t you!) after a while you will have amassed a good collection of bullet points. At this point you should compare notes with the bride and groom (if you’re not the bride) and with the other speakers, to double check that what you talk about will dovetail neatly in with what the others say on the day.

Once you’re satisfied that you’re on the right track with your scribbles, the next job is to reduce and order them into a realistic skeleton structure that will form the basis of your speech.

Let’s assume you are the bride and you want to speak immediately after your father does, and then hand over to your new husband. First of all, here are some of the scribbles from your brainstorm:

Mum worrying about flowers
Nancy’s dress too tight
Welcome/thanks
Pete and Brian – school practical joke
Dad’s speech – thanks
Pete and Lilia - from SA

Brian’s old girlfriend on plane too
Brian speaks next? Wants last word?
Dad - bound to tell story about me losing the hamster
Dad - tell story about barbecue (hee hee hee)
Toast to Brian/Mum/Dad/family
Thanks for coming
Thanks to Mum/Dad for wedding

You’ve underlined the ‘obligation’ elements, which is good. Now all you have to do is put everything into a logical order, and drop any ideas which are irrelevant or repetitive, which will make your speech too long, or which could upset someone and land you in hot water! Here’s what your skeleton structure might look like:

• Welcome everyone and thank them for coming.
• Thank Dad for compliments and embarrassing stories.
• Tell embarrassing story about him (barbecue catching fire).
• Thank Mum and Dad for wedding.
• Mention Pete and Lilia travelling over from South Africa.
• Tell story about Pete and Brian, practical joke at school in Joburg.
• Make joke about Brian always wanting last word - typical husband.
• ’But first’, propose toast to Brian and our families.

Okay. That’s a good basis. Now you could start straight in and try to write a script for yourself, but although it may seem superfluous you’ll find it very helpful to create an interim stage.

Make notes in small chunks

Here, don’t try to write your actual words for the speech. Just add some flesh to those bones. For example:

• Welcome everyone and thank them for coming … am really touched to share this day with my family and good friends … been really generous with gifts, thanks so much … really hope you’re having a great time …
• Thank Dad for compliments and embarrassing stories … said I was beautiful, probably needs his glasses changing … great Dad, love him so much … knew he would tell that story about the hamster … will never live it down …
• Tell embarrassing story about him (barbecue catching fire) … Dad
• always knows best … barbecue for their Silver Wedding … wouldn’t let Mum and me help … whole lot caught fire … steaks ruined, had to eat salad and dessert … then bought a book and taught all of us how to do it properly …
• Thank Mum and Dad for wedding … best parents in the world whether good at BBQs or not … thanks so much for beautiful wedding … the best day of my life and Brian’s.
• Mention Pete and Lilia travelling over from South Africa… fantastic they could come here all that way … Pete Brian’s best friend when they were at school in Joburg … wonderful that he and his wife Lilia are here to share our wedding day … sad we couldn’t get out there for their wedding …
• Tell story about Pete and Brian, practical joke at school in Joburg … Pete and Brian don’t know I know about this … certain maths teacher of theirs called Mrs Entwistle is still around … very interesting email from her about those two locking the headteacher in his study ‘by accident,’ oh, yeah? …
• Make joke about Brian always wanting last word - typicalhusband … being perfect wife will let him …

• ’But first’, propose toast to Brian and our families … all of you, our families and my wonderful husband … and thanks again for everything.

There. That wasn’t hard, was it? And believe it or not, you have already started writing your speech. The key to it is, you’re writing naturally.

What you want to say, not what you ‘should’

If you keep yourself focused on what you want to say, what emerges will be a natural, genuine-sounding speech that reflects your personality and feelings. If on the other hand you focus on what you feel you ‘should’ say and the way you feel you ‘should’ say it, you run the risk of creating a great speech that sounds like it was devised for someone else.

I’ve lost count of the number of speeches I’ve listened to (not written by me I hasten to add) that came over as completely different from the personality of the speaker. This happens because:

• Many people believe that giving speeches is a serious art form where the grander the verbiage and more ostentatious and self-important the oratory the more points they’ll score with their audience.
• People don’t understand the difference between writing for the printed word and writing for the spoken word - so their speech sounds like they’re reading it from a book.

Either way, it’s wrong, wrong, wrong. If you write stuff for yourself to say that reads like it was written for some pontificating old goat or worse still, for some formal wedding ceremony from the 19th century, you will come across as very two-dimensional, shallow, dishonest and utterly unreal. You will also make yourself very uncomfortable and stumble over the words and phrases, which adds ‘incompetent’ to the list of goofs in my previous sentence.

Okay, you shouldn’t give your wedding speech in the same ribald style you might use to tell a joke to your friends in the changing rooms at the gym or on a girls’ night out on the town. But you mustalways be, and write for, yourself and your own personality.

Unless you’re a trained actor, the only way you’re going to come over well is if you are as at ease as possible with your material. This won’t happen if you write words and phrases that may look very eloquent on paper, but which are lumpy mouthfuls to say.

The right style is always conversational. The best speakers always talk to audiences as if they were talking to a friend over a cup of coffee - a natural, friendly, personal style. And how do you achieve that conversational style? Get into a conversation.

Talk and record around those chunks

Some people would take the fleshed out structure we created above and write their speech as an extension of that. If you feel happy and confident doing it that way, great - go ahead. If you don’t, though, here’s a trick which will help you enormously.

Get an audio recording device. At this point it doesn’t matter how old it is - even an ancient cassette tape recorder will do - as long as it works. Sit down in a quiet place, preferably when no one else is around, and talk through each of those fleshed-out points in your speech structure.

Don’t imagine that you’re doing it to the audience at the wedding. Imagine you’re giving the speech over a cup of coffee to that friend I mentioned just now. Relax. Focus on how you feel about each point … how thrilled you are to see so many old friends and loved ones … how touched you were by what your Dad said … how funny the flaming barbecue story was … and so on.

Let the tape/disc/whatever other technology roll until you’ve covered every point.

Transcribe and edit

Then (and this is a really boring, but worthwhile job) - transcribe what you have said. If you have a friendly secretary/PA or someone else who is one of those brilliant people who can key in transcripts without going doolally, ask him or her to help you out and then buy a lovely lunch to say thanks! It really will be worthwhile.

Why? Because that transcript will form the basis of your speech in a way that is entirely you without any embellishment that you might impose from elsewhere, or any other external influence that could diluteyour personality. And with wedding speeches more than any other, that is very important.

So. Once you have the transcript, all you need to do is tidy it up. And here are some tidying aids you might find useful.

Show, don’t tell

People use this phrase rather flippantly in order to get people to use more lively adjectives, adverbs and other (preferably) vivid words, but we shouldn’t lose sight of its value for a wedding speech.

There’s no great mystique to it. Simply look at your transcript (or detailed structure if you haven’t followed my advice - OK, I forgive you!) and look at the way you express your feelings. Can you think of more powerful words? Think active, not passive. Think vividly descriptive, not passively descriptive. Use the Thesaurus references I’ve included in the back of this book, or your own (mind you,Roget is pretty good - see Resources, page 202) to find words that really do express your feelings.

Later on we’ll see why writing a full script is a useful thing to do, although strictly speaking it is not crucial.

In the meantime here are some of the tips on writing for spoken speech I give to my clients - you may find them useful.

How to use links

Although your speech should be conversational in tone, the reality is it’s a monologue. (You don’t really want responses from your audience anyway, because that would be hard to control.) In a dialogue with someone else you’ll find that the conversation changes topic naturally through the exchange of ideas and comments. But in a speech you need links to smooth over the joins.

Experienced speakers often will use a change of body stance coupled with a few seconds of silence to signal a change of topic. If you feel comfortable doing that then go ahead, but be careful to carry it out over at least two or preferably three to four seconds, so your audience understands. One of the most important things to remember about delivering your speech is to do it at a far slower speed than you would talk to a friend over a coffee. And that message goes for anything you do in your speech, as well as

what you say. The main reason is that people - especially at a wedding where they might have had a few drinks - take longer to absorb information from a speaker some distance away than they would if you were standing close by talking directly to them.

You might be safer, however, to write yourself some verbal links. These can be very simple and informal. They should always be preceded by a short pause, which signals that you’ve come to the end of a topic. You can then link to the next one with something like:

• Of course, that was all a long time ago. Right now I’d like to get back to why we’re here today …
• Now .. some of you may remember …
• Before we go any further, I want to tell you about …

Openers and closers

Many people will tell you that a powerful opening and close of a speech are terribly important and in fact as long as those are good you can say pretty well what you like in between. I don’t necessarily agree.

I’ve seen (and written for) many speakers who have agonised during several sleepless nights over how to start their speech with a big bang at the company sales conference, when all the time a simple, sometimes gently humorous opening is far easier - and more effective. And when it comes to a wedding speech, this is even more relevant.

It helps here if we re-examine just why openers and closers are important in the first place. To put it politely, they help to locate

the audience, to act as a signal that you’re about to start talking to them or that you’ve just finished talking to them.

To put it crudely, sometimes the opener at least has to act as an alarm clock - waking the audience up after a narcolepsy-inducing previous speaker - or as a fog horn, warning the audience to settle down, shut up and pay attention.

But even if the speaker prior to you has been intensely boring and has had the whole audience shifting from one numb seatbone to the other for 45 minutes, you don’t necessarily have to go out there in a top hat and false nose riding a unicycle to get people’s attention. What will get the audience’s attention is for you to go out there and be yourself.

Say something amusing, heart-warming, witty, whatever, as long as it’s something you would say in ‘real life’.

Even if you haven’t given a speech before, don’t be tempted to open with words like ‘I’m not very good at giving speeches but …’. I can’t remember which famous person said ‘never explain and never apologise’ but in this instance, anyway, they had a point. A wedding speech is not the opening night of a West End or Broadway blockbuster; it’s you getting up to say a few words about people you care about. The fact that you don’t sound like a polished performer is good, not bad.

However you can start by telling a story, a joke (see Chapters 3 and 11), a poem (see Chapters 4 and 12), or even a relevant quote by a famous person (see Chapter 13). This will instantly signal a major change and have the audience looking forward to what you have to say.

The opener and closer don’t have to be earth-shattering, but they do have to be part of you and your material. If you’re naturally a quiet, private sort of person there’s no way you should struggle with a passionate, emotive ending to your speech, even if others think you should be able to carry it off.

Remember, if you don’t think something in your speech will work on the day, you’re probably right. A story, joke, anecdote or any other part of the speech you find difficult to deal with when you’re writing and practising your speech, will be very difficult to deal with when you deliver the speech. Always err on the side of caution; on the day, you’ll be glad you did.

A COUPLE OF OTHER WRITING TIPS

Many experienced speech-givers use the ‘power of three’ as a device to get points across. There’s something nice and balanced about the three parts, but it tends to place a lot of emphasis on what you’re saying. So save this device for a particularly important bit - for example, your toast:

• Please raise your glasses now to the people who put me on this planet … who raised me to be the person I am now … and who’ve made our dreams of a perfect wedding come true today … my parents, Ron and Kathleen!
• Please share this toast with me now to the little girl who loved my bedtime stories … to the beautiful, talented woman she has become … and to her happiness in a wonderful marriage with Sanjay … ladies and gentleman, the bride, Jasmin!

Along similar lines - in fact almost interchangeable lines, really -is the trick of ‘repetition.’ In much the same way, too, it’s a very useful way of stressing an important point.

• People might say that marriage is an old-fashioned institution. People might say it’s unnecessary. People might say it’s not ‘cool’. But as we can all see, Patrick and Nicole’s wedding today is a shining example of how marriage really is a beautiful thing we all treasure.
• I’ve always believed that loving someone is the purest emotion. I’ve always believed that loving someone can make you happier than almost anything else in the world. I’ve always believed that when you find the right partner, there’s nothing true love can’t beat. And here, today, with Katerina and Elias having tied the knot … well, my beliefs about love have been proven a hundred times over.

There are other tricks and gismos you can use, of course, but mostly those are intended for the professional speech-maker. And you don’t want even to try to emulate a professional speaker unless you happen to be one in the first place. In your wedding speech you need to beyou.

WHY WRITE A FULL SCRIPT?

Many people feel it isn’t necessary to write a full script and, if anything, it’s better to work from a few bullet points and appear unrehearsed or spontaneous. My day job as a speech-writer might make me biased, but there are some good reasons why writing a full script can be very helpful.

• It provides a detailed framework if you’re an inexperienced speaker.
• It allows you to develop and balance your content more easily.
• It means you don’t have to make anything up as you go along.
• It acts as a safety net if you do speak from memory then forget something.
• It keeps you to your allotted time (most speakers present at an average of 120 words per minute, so divide the total word count of your written speech by 120 to get its rough presentation length in minutes).

And in any case, if you don’t want to be seen to read from your script, once you’ve rehearsed it thoroughly you can then develop a few bullet points from it to use on the day.

PREPARING CUE CARDS

This may seem ridiculously obvious and you’re probably thinking ‘why on earth is she bringing that up? It’s hardly rocket science’.

Well of course you’re right. But - especially in the flurry of other things you might have to think about in the run-up to the wedding - cue cards prepared in the wrong way can become a real pain.

Why?

• 1.They contain the wrong information. You need to develop the points on the cue cards that remind you ofkey elements of your speech - not just the more obvious points like ‘thank Mum and Dad’, ‘mention Great Aunt Miranda coming all the way from Warsaw’, ‘propose a toast to the best man’, etc. The way to develop cue cards that will be really helpful is to practise your speech from the full script (see above) and then write up bullet points that signal changes of topic, key points from anecdotes, and above all anything you feel you might forget on the day.
• 2.If you drop them they fall down and you may be stuck trying to reorder them in a panic. There are two ways to get around this problem. One is to number the cards so you can reassemble them easily. The next is not only to number them, but also tie them together so if they fall down they fall as one entity and you simply pick them up again. The way to achieve that is to punch a hole in the corner of each card, then tie something strong through them all with a good, tough knot.
• 3.You mislay them. No matter how careful you are to ensure the cue cards are in your pocket or handbag, accidents happen. When you generate your cue cards, make two or even three copies. Put one in your handbag or pocket, one in your car/briefcase/coat, and give one to a trusted friend. That way you’re pretty much covered whatever happens.

Now, before we get into delivery of your speech we need to look at two other important areas of creating it: humour, and (OK, to a lesser extent) how to write a poem for the occasion. Enjoy!