Strictly speaking there’s nothing special about traditional speeches given by the father of the bride or by the best man. What can make it special in our case is that the speech concerned is given by a woman.

Now, you and the rest of the bridal party may decide to dispense with tradition altogether and make speeches about whatever you feel like. In that case, skip the next few pages. But although you may break with tradition in some ways, there are a few inescapable necessities in wedding speeches which are pure good manners and courtesy, whoever says them. Let’s take another look at these two traditional roles and see what within those you can safely ignore, and what you should retain.

• The father of the bride (or other close male relative of hers, or sometimes an old family friend) He talks about the bride - usually makes her squirm with embarrassment at the anecdotes of the bride aged five with her teddy bears and dolls! He welcomes the guests to the wedding and the groom and his family into his own. He will also thank people for their efforts in the wedding preparations (especially the bride’s mother, if appropriate) and mention special guests who can’t be present. Finally he proposes a toast to the bride and groom.
• The best man
  He thanks the bridegroom for his speech and - on behalf of the bridal attendants - for his toast. He talks about the groom, and his relationship with him. He then reads out any telemessages and cards that have accumulated, and ends by proposing a toast to the bride and groom.

Okay, let’s be horribly unromantic for a bit and analyse those speeches into individual chunks and how you, as the speech-maker replacing the bride’s father or the best man, can regard the content within your own speech. Please note that you may find some helpful ideas in the chapters that follow - they’re well worth checking out, even if your content is constrained to the conventional.

IF YOU’RE SPEAKING INSTEAD OF THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE

Here’s how we can break down the elements of the traditional ‘father of the bride’ speech and see how each one should or should not be included in yours.

Content ‘idea triggers’

• Talks about the bride - Yes This should be retained in your speech. Even in these equality driven days this is more her day than anyone else’s and it’s one she will remember for the rest of her life. As ‘another woman’ you may not have quite the close, cuddly relationship with the bride that her Daddy would, but in many ways this can be a good thing. You, as another woman, will probably be able to sing her praises and underline her qualities in a way that Daddy never could, expressing genuine admiration without being overly sentimental (see below).
• Usually makes her squirm with embarrassment at the anecdotes of the bride aged five with her teddy bears and dolls! - No Or a least, probably not, unless you can do it without making the poor girl’s teeth grind. There’s a big difference between amusing anecdotes about someone’s youth and a long eulogy about changing her nappies. Daddies can sometimes get this one hideously wrong, especially if they have had a few alcoholic snifters by the time we get to the speeches. You, as a sensible woman, know the difference between speech content that makes everyone smile nostalgically, including the bride, and the other variety.
• Welcomes the guests to the wedding - Yes This one depends a little on where in the hierarchy you are, but if you are someone very senior (e.g. bride or groom’s mother, first speaker up on the day, etc.) then yes, it is your job to welcome everyone to the wedding and thank them for coming. Others following you will probably thank them too, but that’s no bad thing. Many people will have travelled from afar, spent a lot on transport, accommodation, gift, etc., so they deserve as much gratitude as they get.
• Welcomes the groom and his family into your own - Yes This assumes that you are speaking as a member of the bride’s family. In my opinion I would say this is an essential part of your speech. Whatever you and other family members and friends may feel about the groom, this day is all about the fact that he and the bride have got married. At this time, possibly more than at any other, it’s time to think, speak and be positive. No matter what you think, he is the bride’s new husband and deserves a) your respect and b) your welcome. (And he may turn out to be not as bad as you thought.)
• Thanks people for their efforts in the wedding preparations - Yes Depending on who you are you may well be one of the people who deserves thanks more than most, but even so it will be appropriate that you thank the other people responsible for making the day a success. Someone else will certainly thank you later on. And probably you shouldn’t be stingy with your thanks. Even people or companies who are paid to provide services at the wedding have almost certainly put in a great deal of effort and unpaid enthusiasm which deserve a mention, at least.
• Mention special guests who can’t be present - Yes This part of the proceedings may well be allocated to another speaker, but traditionally it is the remit of the father of the bride slot and if you are performing that, then mentioning such special guests is a must. This usually covers elderly relatives and friends, relatives and friends who are indisposed for some reason, and those who are unable to travel long distances. You can also talk about deceased relatives and friends who would love to have been at the wedding, but this requires particularly delicate handling - see below.
• Finally proposes a toast to the bride and groom - Probably This is not so much a matter of your remit in replacing the ‘father of the bride’ slot, as it is because you’re likely to be the first speaker up on the day. The first toast is probably the most important one of all and it should be to the bride and groom.

Your structure skeleton

This is how your father of the bride speech can work out. The following would also make a sensible running order for you to use.

• Welcome guests to the wedding, especially if you are the first speaker of the day. Traditionally the father of the bride will have been the one who has paid for most of the wedding, so he would have been seen as the ‘host’ by some of the older guests at least.
• Talk about the bride - one or two short anecdotes about her in the past, amusing if you want but beware of making jokes here. It’s far more important, in this role, to ensure that you give plenty of praise and admiration for the bride. And don’t be shy about expressing your feelings towards her. Weddings are supposed to be emotional occasions. Make sure that this section of your speech, although perhaps starting with stories about the bride’s childhood, ends on her encounter and relationship with the groom.
• Now welcome the groom and his family into your (the bride’s) family, assuming you are part of the bride’s family or at least a very close friend. If you don’t know the groom and his family very well focus on how happy the bride is and has been since the couple met, so congratulate the groom on making her happy! You can also say how much you/the bride’s family are looking forward to getting to know the groom and his people better.
• Here you can link to absent family and friends by saying how sad they are/would be to miss this happy day and the chance to see the bride looking so radiant. It’s probably more sensible to focus on people who are alive but elsewhere. However, important recently deceased relatives can be talked about with appropriate sensitivity.
• You can then cheer up the mood by thanking distant friends and relatives who have come from afar for making the journey and making this day so special for everyone.
• Your next link might be to say that probably the most recognition and gratitude for making this day so special, however, must go to everyone who has put in so much time and effort on the preparations for the big day.Name the key people and say a few words about what each of them did.
• End by saying a summarising sentence or two about this being such a wonderful day for everyone, and our greatest thanks must go to the two people who brought us together for this event. That’s your cue for words along the lines of ‘and now, please raise your glasses for a toast ... ladies and gentlemen, those two fantastic people ... the bride and groom’.

My sister, the bride, asked me to give the bride’s father’s speech, as the best solution to the perennial problem of divorced parents. The groom had already picked his sister as best man, so it fitted in perfectly. It meant that all three speeches were given by members of the same generation, the only downside being that none of us would be able to speak of marriage from first-hand experience.

I avoided all but the most general and safe anecdotes. I also believe that while brides can take a little teasing from their fathers, it is not as easy to take coming from a sister -particularly as most sisters have a history of competition and mutual embarrassment. In fact, I stuck very closely to the traditional format for the bride’s father, rewriting in my own idiom as much as possible.

In many ways the speech turned out to be quite serious - I didn’t actually refer to the marital difficulties of our parents, but I did offer advice on the nature of love, on putting the other person first in all things and avoiding any idea that marriage was a competition, first in a comic vein, and then with more serious intent.

I was a little concerned about doing this - both bride and groom are committed Catholics, and might have thought my comments on the nature of love inappropriate. I am a practising Buddhist - and love and compassion are central to that practice. In the end, it seemed to go down very well.

I wrote the speech over the course of a week, and by the eve of the wedding had a rough draft, which I tested on the best woman (and vice versa). The rest of that day was very full, as I was also responsible for decorating the tables, and drafting seating plans, etc, so I didn’t get to finish the final draft that night - I woke at 4am and finished it then! That meant I had no chance to learn it or even to print it out, so I hand-wrote it onto cards - which in itself was a kind of practice.

There wasn’t any time to think about it again until after the wedding itself, at the drinks reception, by which time I was far too nervous to think about reading or practising it again.

It went very well - better than I could have hoped for. My sister was looking at me with complete terror in her eyes -but dissolved into tears halfway through at the point where I told her how amazed I was that the little scrap I used to carry about had grown into such a beautiful and poised woman. What was even better - and unscripted - was that the only other thing I had in my handbag was a huge white cotton hanky, which I handed to her to mop up. It got a round of applause.

On the whole, I felt that it had been far, far better received than I could have dreamt possible - I made them laugh, and made them cry, and I remembered to thank everyone important.

Here’s my advice:

• 1.Stick to tradition - the rules on who thanks whom for what, and the order in which it is done are tried and tested methods, and give a rhythm to the speech - it is surprisingly easy to adapt the format to personal circumstances. You can find examples and guidelines in books, in libraries or on the internet - also read a few, and find a style or approach that you like.
• 2.If you are not sure whether to include someone in the list of thanks, include them - the worst it can do is make one more person happy. You don’t have to share the speech in advance, but do double-check with bride and groom who you have listed in the thanks section.
• 3.Avoid the temptation to be mean or outrageous or obscene to get a laugh - it’s really not in the spirit of the occasion - it’s possible to be funny or moving, or to hold the attention without resorting to impulses which are actually pretty cruel. If you find yourself thinking ‘if they don’t like it they have no sense of humour’ stop, and rewrite. Better to have a short, boring speech that is kind, than one people remember for being unkind or humiliating.
• 4.Don’t drink before hand. Nothing. Not a drop. Not even a sip of champagne. You have a job to do, and you will need to be stone cold sober to do it justice. Have someone standing by with a glass as you stand to speak - your first taste should be when you propose the toast. And then you can heave a huge sigh of relief and start making up for lost time!

Anya, London

I did the father of the bride speech as my grandfather had passed away by the time my mother remarried. I bought a book on father of the bride speeches. Having read that and taking into account that I was not actually the father of the bride I put together the main points I wanted to get across then added bits to it including a few light-hearted comments as well as some serious points. I didn’t practise it too much as I didn’t want it to sound too rehearsed. I practised it a few times to myself and once in front of other people.

My speech seemed to go well and got laughs at the right moments! The bride and groom both liked it too (or so they say!). I felt pleased with the way it had gone but hate watching it back on the DVD! I was honoured to have done it.

My advice is:

• Be yourself and be natural, don’t try to be something you’re not.
• Get the basics down of what you want to say then work from there.
• Don’t make it too long, better to be too short than send your audience to sleep.
• The guests will want you to do well, it’s not like a business presentation or a university assessment, they will be impressed you’re getting up there and doing it, relax and enjoy your moment in the limelight.

Elizabeth Lorkins

I adhered to the traditional father of the bride speech in so far as it was possible. I welcomed everybody, especially my husband’s family. I spoke about how we had organised our wedding along traditional lines, but as my father had passed away I was speaking in his place. That got applause.

I spoke about my mother’s family and I acknowledged the members present and they were applauded. I acknowledged the next generation, my generation - brother, sister, first cousins etc., then moved to the next generation and acknowledged my niece and nephews who were present.

I did the same with my father’s family, however, some of them had interesting names that we as children (and the adults too) did amusing things with and that got a laugh. I acknowledged the spouses and partners as appropriate.

I acknowledged all my guests and said how I met them from my first day at school, through work, courses and hobbies. I acknowledged their husbands and partners collectively.

I concluded with a toast, I asked the Irish to stand and toast the visitors. (This was appropriate as the wedding was in Ireland.)

I did not have much trouble memorising it as it was very familiar to me, but I did use cue cards in case I left anyone out. From the applause and laughter I felt it was received very well. Afterwards people complemented me on the speech.

My advice: never use risque material. Be well prepared and confident and ensure that no one can say ‘you should not have done it’.

Evelyn Khan-Panni

IF YOU’RE SPEAKING INSTEAD OF THE BEST MAN

Here’s how we can break down the elements of the traditional best man speech and see how each one should or should not be included in yours.

Content ‘idea triggers’

• Thanks the bridegroom for his speech -Probably I only say ‘probably’ because you could well be thanking the bride and groom for their joint speech, rather than his alone. This is something that will (or should) be established at the planning stage.
• (Thanks) on behalf of the bridal attendants -for his toast - Yes This assumes that the groom or bride/groom combo have followed the traditional path and ended his/their speech by proposing a toast to the bridal attendants.
• Talks about the groom - Yes With all the focus on the bride that has taken place in the ‘father of the bride’ speech - assuming there is one - now it’s the groom’s turn. This is an important part of the best man’s role
• ....and his relationship with himYes,but carefully! Here’s where the fact that you are woman can make a difference, no matter how devoted their entire bridal party is to equality. A great deal depends on exactly what your relationship with the groom actually is. If you are his mother or sister you’re on fairly safe ground but if you know him as a friend or ex-girlfriend, you will need to be tactful. Whether we girls like it or not, you as a woman speaker will not get away with the naughty innuendos that a male best man might. The last person you want to upset is the bride, and if there’s even the faintest hint that you might be connected with any naughtiness on the groom’s part in the past, she may feel slightly irritated. (Put it this way; I would!) I know that’s unfair and unequal but we’ve just got to get over it. Wedding speeches are not the right media for breaking new ground in feminist or gender issues.
• Reads out any telemessages and cards that have accumulatedYes This is a traditional element of wedding speeches, but of course there may not be any. However it’s quite likely that there will be a few cards and emails from absent friends and it can be fun to read them out. It also opens up possibilities for some light-hearted jokes (see below).
• ...ends by proposing a toast to the bride and groom ~ Yes

This is particularly relevant if you are the last speaker up on the day. I know that the father of the bride speaker toasts the bride and groom as well, but it is their day after all!

Your structure skeleton

This is how your best man speech can work out. The following would also make a sensible running order for you to use. And don’t forget, the traditional best man speech is supposed to be the most entertaining of the day. However whether you make your speech funny or not depends on you, your personality, and your style.

• Assuming your speech follows that of the groom or bride/groom combo, thank him/them for his/their speech and for proposing a toast to the bridal attendants. Although in theory the traditional best man role is to thank on behalf of the bridesmaids, be sure you include any ushers, pages, flower girls, etc.
• Now you need to link to why you’re up there in the first place, by saying how you came to know the groom. If you’re related to him quite a few people will know that already, but if you’re a friend from elsewhere, a work colleague, etc., you should explain how you came to know each other and what great friends/colleagues you have become
• This is the point in the speech where the best man will usually tell some funny stories about his relationship with the groom, shared experiences, shared disasters, etc. Here you will need to think back to occasions in your relationship which are not necessarily funny but otherwise are of interest. You might recount an experience when the groom did something incredibly brave and heroic - perhaps worked through several nights to (successfully) win back an important client, climbed a dangerous rock face to raise money for charity, rescued a kitten by climbing up a tree in a high wind, entertained a group of fellow holidaymakers with magic tricks when the coach taking you all to a ski resort broke down for four hours, etc. Needless to say whatever anecdotes you recount must focus on the groom’s positive qualities, and must not focus in any way whatsoever on sexual activities, no matter how far back in the past the stories go.
• Now bring everyone back to the present day and if there are any telegrams or emails to read out, do it. In the past it was fashionable for the best man to read out spoof telegrams that poked fun at the bride, groom and their families but that seems to be out of favour now - possibly because telegrams no longer exist per se and emails are very commonplace. In fact depending on how you work things out at the planning stage, if the father of the bride (or whoever is giving that introductory speech) is going to mention absent friends and family it might make more sense for him/her to read out greetings sent by the people he mentions.
• And here, it’s time to wrap up, saying how proud and happy you are to see the groom marrying such a wonderful partner and wishing them every happiness in the future. Often the best man will offer some humorous advice on how to have a successful marriage but some people feel this part of the traditional speech has become something of a cliche. My own feeling is that the main advice you should give is advice that’s serious and from the heart - for example if you have been happily married for many years, share your own tips. You can add in a couple of jokey lines before that if you want to, but focus on the serious - it’s valuable.
• You could perhaps end on saying that you doubt whether the bridal couple need more than a little advice because you’re certain they are destined for a wonderfully long and happy life together. Leading into something like ‘and to celebrate that, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to ... [names of bride and groom].

Best man’ at cousin’s wedding). I acknowledged the unusualness of the situation and I spoke about the historic origins of the best man’s speech. The groom introduced the theme of memory lane and I followed that theme, with my own recollections, especially of times spent with my cousin. I reminded them of woman’s equality (the women loved this) and concluded with a toast to absent friends.

I practised it a lot, enough to appear off the cuff. Because I was not the traditional expected speaker there was a risk of some guests expecting a lesser performance from a woman.

It was acknowledged as the best speech of the day. I got the impression that the other speakers thought there was nothing to it. They were under prepared/ill advisedly prepared and under rehearsed. From the applause and laughter I felt it was received very well. When I mentioned that the best man was a defender in case ‘a rival suitor may be lurking nearby’, one of the male guests got up and closed the door. That got a laugh.

My advice: go ahead, thank the person who offered you the honour of your speaking at his/her wedding. Be confident that you are saying the right thing and don’t offend anyone. Do not use any risque material. Be well prepared and ensure that no one can say ‘you should not have done it’. Be alert to possible initial resistance.

Evelyn Khan-Panni

A very long time ago I gave a ‘best woman’ speech based on an anecdote of a bride and groom meeting on holiday and the groom as a renaissance man!

My advice to all women making speeches at a wedding is, forget tradition. Women have a voice and I would encourage brides, their mothers, the groom’s mother and even bridesmaids to get up and say what they want to say. Make it fairly short - if the speeches go on too long, guests start giving up the will to live (as in the case of my daughter and son-in-law’s wedding. There were too many speeches and the Best Man went on forever - including a PowerPoint presentation of the groom growing up.)

Dawn Charles

www.awp.ecademy.com

DOUBLE-ACT SPEECHES

At a modern wedding, two people may want to share the delivery of a speech. This can be any one of the following permutations and probably loads more:

• father and mother of the bride/groom
• best man and best woman (why shouldn’t there be two?)
• best friends of the bridal couple
• sisters and/or brothers, etc.
• ... and of course, the bridal couple themselves.

Here are a few tips on how to ensure such double-act speeches work well.

First of all, plan your speech as carefully as you can. I know that this can be demanding, especially if the double act consists of the bride and groom, but believe me it’s well worth working it through carefully. (And prior to the wedding it provides a lovely opportunity for you to disappear for an evening to ‘plan your joint speech’ when everyone else is running around like headless chickens.)

Really, it all comes down to dividing the material so that you don’t duplicate what each other says, and that you provide an entertaining and balanced speech that shows how much both of you mean to the bridal couple - and how much they mean to you.

And above all else you must not interrupt each other, unless it’s part of a pre-planned humorous exercise to tell - jointly - a joke!