BULLYING

What is a bully? The definition of a bully is an adult or child who deliberately intimidates of persecutes someone with the intention of causing them distress.

Bullying can be either physical, social, psychological or verbal and take the form of:

• punching;
• hitting;
• kicking;
• teasing;
• name calling;
• sarcasm;
• hair pulling;
• racial remarks;
• damaging of property;
• intimidation;
• theft of possessions;
• threatening behaviour;
• exclusion – refusal to allow others to participate in activities.

You may be in the unfortunate position of caring for a child who is being bullied or who is in fact doing the bullying themselves. Both the victim and the bully need support. Although bullying is rare among children under the age of five years, once a child starts school they may become the victim of name calling and fighting.

Bullying - the facts

• Bullying is a shameful part of our culture.
• Bullying can happen anywhere: at home, school or work.
• Bullying is not always physical and violent, it can also be emotional and subtle.
• Bullying is a secret problem and victims often try to hide their suffering.
• Bullying can have long lasting effects on the lives of the victims and they may carry the scars with them throughout their adult lives.
• Bullying can lead to suicide.

The bully

A bully is often hostile and aggressive with issues of their own. They may feel inadequate and unable to cope with their own problems, resulting in them causing distress to others. Bullies nearly always pick victims which are weaker and less powerful than themselves. Bullies may work alone, in pairs or in a group, and are intent on causing pain and distress to their victims.

Victims are not always children. The elderly, infirm and less able members of our society are also vulnerable to bullying. As responsible adults we have a duty to tackle bullying and as childcare practitioners we have a responsibility towards children, alongside parents and schools, to protect them from this kind of behaviour.

Many factors can cause a child to become a bully and their behaviour usually arises because they have suffered a set back or specific problem in their own lives. Bullying can arise from boredom, insecurity, frustration or a lack of or inability to make friends. It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that children who bully come from disadvantaged backgrounds with little or no parental input or support; however this is not always true. Sometimes children from very affluent, loving families who have been lavished with attention may become accustomed to having everything their own way and relish the feeling of power that bullying gives them.

Whatever the reason for a child to resort to bullying, there is usually an underlying reason for their behaviour and, whilst we cannot condone their actions, it is important that we take the time to try to understand why they are behaving in this way and to offer them help and support. It has been suggested that a child who bullies is more likely to grow up aggressive, to forge poor relationships and possibly even become an abuser. It is for this reason, therefore, that the bully’s behaviour must not be ignored.

Children who resort to bullying may:

• have very low self-esteem;
• not believe in their own self-worth;
• not be encouraged to show their feelings;
• be afraid of failure;
• have experienced some form of bullying or abuse themselves.

As a childcare practitioner you need to:

• Stay calm.
• Help the child to build their self-esteem.
• Value the child and their achievements.
• Talk to the child (with parental permission) to discuss their actions, and try to establish whether they themselves are experiencing problems which results in them bullying.
• Be there for the child if they want to talk.
• Agree with the child’s parents and school on a strategy to deal with the behaviour.

Bullying can take many forms and it can be very upsetting and stressful for the person being bullied. Whilst bullying itself is a form of unacceptable behaviour, problems can increase when the child who is being bullied also resorts to unacceptable behaviour as a way of coping with the problems they are facing.

The victim

It can sometimes be very difficult to recognise when a child is being bullied. Whilst some children can cope well in the face of adversity and may shrug off name calling and hair pulling, others may become extremely distressed. Very often the stress felt by a child who is being bullied manifests itself in changes in the way they normally behave, and it is these changes which must be recognised and acted upon to prevent serious repercussions. Tragically, some children who are experiencing bullying feel there is no one to talk to and nowhere to turn and these victims become so desperate that they end up taking their own lives. We need to prevent this from happening by recognising and dealing with the bully and offering the victim support and understanding.

Firstly, we need to be aware of changes in a child’s behaviour which may be the result of possible bullying:

• refusal to go to school/nursery;
• crying for no apparent reason;
• unexplained injuries;
• ripped clothing;
• complaints of illness such as tummy ache and head ache in the hope of avoiding going to school/nursery;
• being physically sick;
• often appearing hungry (this could be a sign of having had their lunch or lunch money taken from them by the bully);
• aggressive behaviour;
• disturbed sleep;
• regression – thumb sucking, comfort behaviour, etc.;
• bed wetting;
• suffering from nightmares;
• frequently ‘losing’ possessions;
• asking for or stealing money;
• becoming withdrawn;
• refusing to eat;
• attempting to harm themselves;
• deterioration in school work.

This list is extensive but is by no means exhaustive. Just as someone who resorts to bullying does so for a number of reasons, the results of a bully’s actions are also many and varied.

If a child you are caring for is being bullied, or you suspect that they are being bullied, you must take action. Never ignore it or put it down to growing up – something to be endured which will fizzle out when the bully finds someone else to pick on. No one should have to suffer at the hands of a bully and the situation needs to be carefully monitored and rectified. If a child confides in you that they are being bullied do not tell them that you will keep it to yourself, which may well be a condition of their disclosure, as you will be unable to help them if you keep what they are telling you a secret. You can, however, make sure that you only talk to those who need to know such as the child’s parents and teachers.

Always make sure you get the facts and try to check that the child is not unintentionally provoking the bullying through anti-social behaviour.

Whilst offering help and support to the victim of bullying it is also a good idea to encourage them to take positive steps towards preventing bullying. Sometimes a child can inadvertently give the impression that they are a victim, and we can encourage them to look at their own behaviour and help them to protect themselves and avoid becoming vulnerable to bullying. This may involve:

• helping to build self-esteem and self-worth;
• helping the child to build friendships;
• encouraging the child to talk about any problems they are facing;
• helping the child to understand that they are not to blame for the bully’s behaviour.

Seeking help and support

One of the most important things for the victim of bullying to know is that they can turn to you for help and support. Bottling up their feelings and not having anyone to turn to may make an already difficult situation intolerable. Children need to know that there is someone available that they can rely on, someone who will give impartial advice and who will know what to do when they are experiencing problems.

As a childcare practitioner you may have children confiding in you because they are unable or unwilling to talk to their parents. You must make it clear that if they won’t tell their parents about the bullying they are experiencing then you will. It is important that the main carers in a child’s life are aware of any issues their child has and that they work together to find a solution. You can provide the child and their parents with the help and support they need to see them through times of bullying by:

• having a good knowledge of child development and how this can be affected by bullying i.e. changes in behaviour etc.;
• encouraging trusting relationships between the child, their parents and yourself;
• showing empathy and understanding.

WHat childminders and parents can do in the event of bullying

• Initially talk to the child to ascertain whether or not your suspicions of bullying are well-founded.
• Take what the child tells you seriously and never tell them to ‘toughen up’ or ridicule their predicament.
• Tell the child that you love them and care about them and that you will do everything you can to sort things out. They need to know that you are on their side 100%.
• Reassure them that they are not to blame for the bullying they are experiencing.
• Explain that crying or responding to the bullies can actually encourage them. Bullies like to see how upset their victims are and it is this type of response that they are aiming for.
• Help the child to be prepared for the bully’s taunts; with responses ready they may feel a little more in control.
• Work out, with the child, ways of minimising opportunities for the bullying to take place. For example, trying to avoid being alone – there is safety in numbers.
• Encourage the child to give the bully what they demand to avoid violence. Staying safe is more important than hanging onto money or possessions. Make sure the child knows that they must tell someone if they have been threatened and forced to hand over money or possessions.
• Make time to talk to the child and, more importantly, listen to them. They need to know you are there for them and they are not dealing with the situation on their own.
• Help the child to feel valued and important by giving them responsibilities whilst they are with you.
• Help the child to feel good about themselves. Bullying strips a child of their self-esteem and self-worth and they begin to feel useless and deserving of the misery they are feeling. Make the time to praise the child and tell them how much you care about them.
• Make diversions so that the child is not allowed to dwell on the problems and mope around. Encourage them to make new friends away from the area they are being bullied. Joining clubs are an excellent way of doing this.

WHAT SCHOOLS CAN DO IN THE EVENT OF BULLYING

Today it is compulsory for all schools to have an Anti-Bullying Policy. However it is important to remember that the school alone cannot be made responsible for sorting out the problem, and success can only be guaranteed if everyone works together. Schools must deal with any bullying incident in accordance with the procedures set out in their policy. Children, staff and parents should all be made aware of what will happen if bullying occurs. The school should be prepared to:

• Take the problem seriously.
• Carry out an investigation into the incident.
• Interview both the bully and the victim separately.
• Seek out and interview any witnesses.
• Decide on the most appropriate action. This will vary depending on the nature and level of severity of the bullying. It may mean: – obtaining an apology from the bully; – informing the bully’s parents; – imposing sanctions on the bully; – seeking compensation for the victim from the bully; – providing information/lessons to the pupils in the school to make them aware of bullying and how they can help prevent it; – providing support within the school for the victim. This may consist of a teacher being assigned to the child for them to talk to if necessary.
• Provide follow up meetings with the victim’s parents to report on the progress.
• Inform all members of staff about the bullying incidents and what action has been taken.
• Keep written records of the incident and the action taken.

Assertiveness

Both bullies and victims can learn a lot from trying out assertiveness techniques. Basic self-assertiveness training can help everyone feel better about themselves. It can teach you different ways of responding to awkward or upsetting situations.

There are three styles of response:

• passive;
• aggressive;
• assertive.

Passive

A person who is said to be passive allows other people to behave as if their needs and rights are more important than theirs. Passive people tend to consider themselves to be less important than others.

Aggressive

A person who is said to be aggressive behaves as though they are more important than others and that their rights matter more than those of others.

Assertive

A person who is said to be assertive respects themselves and others equally.

Broadly speaking, victims tend to be passive whilst bullies tend to be aggressive.

Self-assertiveness when making requests

• Decide what you want and be firm. ‘I would like my books back.’
• Be short and precise when asking for something back.
• Plan ahead and be ready for situations before they arise.
• Practise what to say and do.

Self-assertiveness when dealing with insults and teasing

• Try responding with insults. Give the bully a taste of their own medicine.
• Try ignoring the insults and taunts – bullies are often looking for a response and when they don’t get one they may get bored.

Dealing with anger

• Learn to recognise what makes you angry. Look for the signs of when you are going to ‘explode’ and be ready with a strategy to deal with these types of situations.
• Take deep breaths.
• Count to ten.
• Remove yourself from the situation or the person who is making you feel angry. Far from ‘running away’, this is the best strategy for avoiding conflict and arguments.
• Let off steam in other ways – exercise, kick a ball, etc.
• Relax – anger often stems from stress and anxiety. Learn to relax and control your temper.

Bullying policies

Bullying should never be ignored. It is a very serious issue which can vary considerably in severity and the response it provokes. Some schools and childcare settings have developed a separate policy relating specifically to bullying in addition to their behaviour policy. A policy on bullying may look like this: