Rosie, whose looks meant she would never be short of a ‘feller’, had put her finger on one of the basics of a marriage contract. Ignoring for the moment the idea of same sex partnerships, there must be two parties to a marriage contract: a man and a woman. If either bride or groom fails to turn up, the wedding can’t take place and the day is unlikely to be a rousing success. It may turn out to be a memorable one, but for all the wrong reasons. And though you can insure against all manner of contingencies affecting the BIG DAY, even the destruction of the wedding veil by the spitting image of Mr. Rochester’s first wife, you can’t insure against a bride or groom deciding not to appear.

Neither can you insure against either of them turning out to be Mr. or Mrs. Hyde after the wedding instead of the Mr. or Mrs. Jekyll they were before. This might be why your past ‘romances’ have ended in failure. Perhaps you choose or allow yourself to be chosen by somebody who is never going to give you any commitment. And the reason for those choices is that it is you yourself who is afraid of it.

A WEDDING OR MARRIAGE?

Girls, for example, are often caught up in the excitement of other women’s engagements, the handsome man whose love they have won for ever, his ring (holding out a finger for closer inspection), the wedding arrangements, magazines, the number of guests and bridesmaids, their dresses, and all the other paraphernalia that go to make up most modern weddings. They are further enchanted by the glitter and the glitz, not to mention the cost, of many celebrity marriages. Never mind that these may last only a few months . . . in one famous case less than 20 hours. Magazines battle to get pictures of the bride, the groom, their wonderful attire and wedding breakfast (but, unless they want to risk being sued, never of anybody actually eating it) and no mention of the fee paid for this ‘free’ publicity.

Such pictures along with chat in offices and factories, often act as a subtle inducement for girls to tie the knot with their current boyfriend, however unsuitable he might be as a long-term partner. They do not even seem to contemplate the future life they will lead together, except perhaps in material terms. The marriage lasts a few years, if that, and a breakup follows, often with emotional upsets that last a long time afterwards. Yet this conclusion could be seen almost from the start. The package not the contents were the attraction. Once the package has been discarded, the contents soon follow.

MORE THAN PHYSICAL?

Men get caught up in another type of trauma. The package in this case is a woman’s beauty, her charm, sometimes her ‘fatal attraction’. Even if the man realises she is unsuitable in other ways, somehow he finds himself, against all his more rational judgement, desperately wanting more than friendship. Unlike women, he is blessed/cursed with an organ which when functioning does not allow him to use his brain. For her part, the girl is more than willing to be seduced into a relationship by protestations of love. Without making any commitment, the pair move into his or her place and before long wonder whatever caused them to do so. They will be lucky if they manage to split up without some emotional or financial damage – especially if she becomes pregnant.

That alters everything and for short-term relationships, rarely for the better. Save for a few odd instances we are long past the age of chivalry. Nearly half a decade has passed since Allan Sillitoe wrote in Saturday Night And Sunday Morning about the working class lad who gives up his aspirations for betterment to wed the local lass he has got ‘into trouble’. The much more likely scenario today is for the man to leave the young mum or pregnant lover to the tender mercies of the local council and the Department of Social Security.

Relationships between young men and young women usually lead along either of two paths: (i) a breakup or (ii) setting up home together in marriage or outside it. Breakups depend on many things, sometimes quite small ones . . . or so they seem to outsiders. Setting up home together does not include the non-sexual relationships, such as flat sharing. These are restricted from developing into anything more by constraints of kinship (family) or place (office, school, etc.) and can go on for years. By contrast a ‘platonic’ friendship, so called, between a man and woman, can continue only when one is unable to go further because of constraints of a different kind: legal, moral or physical.

Allowing for these exceptions, platonic ‘friendships’ are doomed to failure. They promise much, but deliver little, especially of commitment. And the reasons they deliver little might be because:

• one of the pair does not want more
• there is too big an age gap
• a pseudo-kinship relationship (godfather, adopted ‘uncle’) exists
• a fear of physical sex (it happens)
• one, or both, are already married and unable to exchange one tie for another, though happy enough to take whatever is available.

Other reasons are that one of the pair prefers:

• the company of their own gender or
• non-physical communication, for example by letter.

The following examples show how commitment is avoided by always finding the wrong man or woman to pair up with.

The only way to deal with this kind of non-committed person is to be equally non-committal yourself. No premarital sex here. You’ll gain nothing by giving in. Similarly for gamblers, alcoholics, drug addicts and people already married whose wives/husbands don’t understand them but who don’t want a divorce.

THE LONG DISTANCE LOVER

‘Pen friends’, where two people communicate but rarely see each other, is one way of having a fairly long-term relationship without any commitment by either of the writers. These far distant ‘affairs’ are becoming more common. Working holiday visas issued to young visitors to the UK, student gap years and cheap air travel all bring people together from across the globe. Many inter-country/continent friendships result from such intermingling.

Usually they blossom for a while and then die a death. If face to face meetings do not proceed much further than letter writing or email/text messages, it is usually due to the fact that the parties do not want anything more. They prefer their present (single?) lifestyle. That is why they like being pen friends. Only the strongest of relationships can survive a long separation. New acquaintances of marriageable age need to see, touch and speak with each other to keep a relationship moving.

In long distance loving, the man is usually happy to keep the affair on a low key. The woman ostensibly seems to want more, but in truth she is often more afraid of commitment than he is. This is why, even if she sheds a few tears after their occasional corporeal interludes, the romance never proceeds beyond endearing, and occasionally passionate letters or emails.

If one of the duo really wants more than the occasional meeting up with each other, here are some useful do’s and don’ts.

Do’s and don’ts of long-distance relationships

Here is a true case of commitment, an extraordinary one of somebody who gave up letter writing for closer contact, ignoring, so it seemed, all the usual warnings.

Nobody can deny that in this example, there certainly was commitment on both sides, though one appears to be gaining very much more from it than the other.

This long distance loving ended happily – that is not often the case. Psychologists declare that it is hard to maintain closeness when you are physically distant from each other. You need to have an aim and stick to it. If you want a short-term relationship, then long distance loving is not for you. And if you can’t resist the temptation of those near who want to become dear, then close the relationship with the man or woman from afar.

A DIFFERENT LIFE

What kind of lifestyle are you seeking? Marriage or cohabiting is not the only option. There are others. Friendship with somebody of your own gender is one. In spite of what outsiders may think, it doesn’t have to be a sexual one, but an arrangement that suits your financial or domestic situation. Lucy Winkett chose a religious vocation. So did Reverend Father Bryan Storey of Tintagel, Cornwall. When he was training 40

years ago, a priest told him that the greatest fulfilment in life was the Catholic priesthood. He finds those words equally true today. Spending many hours each week in prayer and meditation, he says, deepens faith, and keeping the celibate promise does ‘untold good in days when so many marriage vows are broken.’ According to geneticist David Gems of University College, London, using research based on the sex lives of nematod worms (!) a further advantage of celibacy is that it enables men to live longer, for they are not genetically programmed, he asserts, to live shorter lives than females.

REMAINING SINGLE

More negative reasons can cause men to remain single. Sometimes, as with a 48-year-old bachelor film producer, it is the result of the volatile marriage of parents and their subsequent separation. He has had lots of girlfriends but the divorces and resultant anguish of his friends has further put him off matrimony. Another single man of 41 doesn’t want to be the oldest father in the street, but of the two relationships he has had, one broke up acrimoniously and the second girl could not make up her mind. Some men are uncertain of their sexuality and do not marry on that account but most men remain single either because of their career structure or because they haven’t yet met the right person.

It is interesting to note, however, that according to John H. Laub and Robert J. Sampson, authors of Shared Beginnings Divergent Lives, marriage turns young male delinquents away from crime. Giving the results of interviews with former young criminals to find out what if anything induced them to turn away from crime, Laub discovered three factors: a spell in the Armed Forces, a steady job and marriage – and the most important was marriage. This report also suggests that marriage benefits men more than women, a conclusion emphasised in other reports.

SPINSTERS GIVE MRS A MISS

For women, the chance of a high flying career has given them the option of choosing to remain single. They assert that they can earn more money and have more fun being single than married. They have everything they want: a lovely home, good social life and great friends. By the time they get to that peak, however, they are in their 30s. They are then more ‘choosy’, not prepared to take on anybody just for a change of title. Most of the ‘eligible’ men have already been snapped up and even if single women do find the right person, they fear the relationship might not last, so they build up careers instead. Petronella Wyatt, writing in The Daily Telegraph, avers that there is no better alternative to marriage than work and that the pleasure you get from professional success is ‘one of the greatest life has to offer’.

In Jane Austen’s time (see Chapter 2) and indeed long afterwards, marriage was almost the only choice for women. Now they no longer rely on men for their support. Neither do they have to be weighed down under a burden of domestic trivia. (Read Fear of Flying by Susan Jongh for the story of an intelligent woman coping . . . and losing.)

Ask yourself if you want to be one of the modern women who are giving marriage a miss for careers that offer the chance of happiness, independence and fulfilment? Do you prefer to be hitched or rich? Think about the commitment you have to make. To what or to whom? It’s your life, your destiny. If you enjoy your comfortable single life, stick with it rather than throw yourself away on some no good, no hoper. He will take up most of your time, much of your money, and maybe break your heart in the process. Don’t forge links with somebody who promises to reform, to give up this, that or the other addiction, when he has so far shown neither the will, the desire nor the capacity to do so.

THINK YOU CAN CHANGE HIM?

If you meet a similar person with an apparently intractable problem (drugs, alcohol, gambling, violence) and want the kind of lifestyle that goes with that person, go ahead. But don’t imagine you will win the battle. Assume you won’t and if by some miracle you or some helpful organisation actually do change your man or woman, think of this as an extraordinary bonus. (But will he or she then leave you nothing left to strive for?)

Rather than make such a choice, aim for safety. Never pair off with some man or woman with an apparently intractable problem because you think you can change them. Take them as they are or not at all. Bookmakers, who are a realistic crowd, would give your efforts not even an odds on chance of success. You will probably do better for yourself and others, including perhaps your loved one, by becoming a volunteer worker in one of the many charities crying out for someone like you. There will be no end to the people there that you can help. Some of them at least will reciprocate, and you won’t then have the pain of being confronted with continual crises inside your own front door.

DEALING WITH NON-COMMITMENT

• If you do and they don’t (or vice versa) want commitment, say so. You’ll both then know where you stand. Repeat it often.
• Hope if you must, but don’t fight for more.
• Know the score. If it looks as if you’re losing out, back off.
• Give an ultimatum, but be prepared for the consequences.
• Get on with the next chapter of your life.