Becoming more confident

Lack of confidence affects:

our thinking:

• I just can’t make up my mind
• It’s too difficult
• I’d never be able to cope

our feelings:

• I’ll never match up to the rest of them
• I feel so stupid and frustrated at my shyness
• I’m sick of the way they always manage to come out on top

our behaviour:

• merging into the background
• dependency on other people
• avoiding changes in our lives

our physical appearance:

• hunched-up stance
• no direct eye contact
• anxious, wary look.

Confidence has many aspects. We have many parts to our lives and we may be lacking confidence in some and very much more at ease in others; surprisingly, we also might find ourselves more self-assured in ‘difficult’ areas – relationships for example – than in apparently less demanding situations like walking into a doctor’s waiting room.

Most people aim to give an impression of self-confidence and mostly succeed. Nobody is assured in all areas of their lives.

If we give out signals that we lack confidence, people will treat us accordingly and this will only add to our feelings of inadequacy.

Learn about assertiveness. If you can’t attend a course, there are many helpful books (A Woman in Her Own Right by Ann Dickson is highly recommended for both women and men).

It’s no good simply trying to ‘read’ or ‘think’ ourselves more confident. We will only become more self-assured by practice, facing our apprehensions, making mistakes and learning to shrug off setbacks. We are usually most conscious about our diffidence when we are confronted with testing situations. Take advantage of everyday encounters to try out your emerging assurance.

No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Samuel Beckett (1906–89)

• Deliberately initiate casual conversations with shop assistants.
• How ‘powerful’ can you appear to bank cashiers?
• Talk about the weather to someone in the bus queue.
• For a change you ask the hairdresser where they are going for their holidays.
• Organise things so that you are regularly in contact with other people.
• Become a volunteer in a charity shop or meals on wheels.
• Get to know the neighbours.
• Write a three-page letter to a friend or relative every week.
• Search out opportunities to be kind to someone.

Even being amongst a crowd of people is better than nothing. Being alone for lengthy periods will tend to shrivel up our social skills – we’ll become wrapped up in your own concerns. There are two sorts of self-confident people:

• miserable people who don’t care about other people because they’ve never learned to like themselves
• nice, friendly people whose assurance is rooted in respect for others because they respect themselves.

We, of course, are in the second group. (It would be a commendable act of kindness for you to find someone from the first group and take them under your wing.)

This element of respect is crucial. We will only understand this if we value ourselves and are therefore happy to be ‘known’ to the world. If we think ourselves worthless and undeserving of attention we will avoid confrontations and retreat from relationships. An important part of increasing self-confidence, therefore, is to find out what is likeable about us and to feed it regularly by:

• looking after ourselves physically
• taking care with our appearance
• finding ways of treating ourselves regularly – especially if we can include a friend
• seeking out new, undiscovered pleasures.

If we think badly about ourselves, we should try to work out who gave us that idea; confidence is natural (have you ever seen a cat without self-esteem) and if we lack it, it is because someone has removed it. This usually happens in our vulnerable childhood or youth. We know who it was. It wasn’t our responsibility.

We can try to rebuild our disabled self-esteem by trying to understand what caused that person to damage us. Try to be generous and forgiving towards them and then to put it all behind us. We all have the resources within us to give up being victims and all the tedious baggage involved. We have the right to reinvest all this negative energy in new possibilities.

What sort of a person would we really like to be? (Yes, we can.)

How to do things

Early on in bereavement we can be overwhelmed by a tangle of problems requiring decisions. We can easily fall into an empty daily routine which is comforting in its predictability but which encourages us to put off doing tasks that need attention. Indeed part of depression is a protective defence against doing anything in a world which has become overwhelming.

Because our minds are so busy it’s hard to retain the full agenda of tasks waiting to be completed. What we lack in cogent thought, however, we usually, now, make up for with time. Time to make a list.

Rather than just muddle on, it can be quite useful to organise the process. Talk to someone who knows you –someone you respect. Ask them if they would sit down with you to help you clarify your thoughts about what needs to be done. It might be a good idea to meet on neutral territory where you will be undisturbed.

Have a large sheet of paper and, between you, think about all the areas of your life that may need attention. Write everything down, however silly it may seem, without comment or discussion. Don’t be discriminating or sensible; at this stage ‘Replace the dish cloth’ can sit easily beside ‘Should I remarry?’ Try not to think too much about what you are writing. See how long you can make it.

Spend a few minutes silently going through what you’ve written down. Now, look fairly briskly at each item and sort them into four categories.

• A: Important action urgently required.
• B: Urgent but low importance.
• C: High importance but not urgent.
• D: No importance and not urgent.

Go through the ‘urgent’ list and score each item on a scale of one to ten according to their priority, not their importance. Replying to your granddaughter’s letter of sympathy may be much more urgent than selling the house. Once you have the ‘urgent’ things out of the way you will remove a lot of the fear and anxiety and you’ll find it easier to concentrate on the rest which is likely to be more important.

Now that you have some order in your affairs you might feel relaxed enough to decide straight away what action needs doing. Decide exactly what you’re going to tackle first and when you’re going to deal with it. Put it in your diary, and set it aside, moving on to the next item.

• Some parts of your list will be harder to deal with. You may need to break things down into columns of pros and cons. Just writing down the lists may well clarify your unconscious wishes – and it’s often wise to trust these hunches.
• Imagine what each course of action would involve. Try and visualise your life in three months or five years time. How will it have been affected by moving house, getting remarried, going to live in Spain, keeping or spending your savings?
• It’s hard for us to keep in mind how things can change with unexpected impacts. Babies are born, friends move away, there are unexpected crises and health can change for the worse. When you’ve done all the weighing up, talking around and imagining alternative outcomes and you’re satisfied that you haven’t missed out some important factor, make your decision – as dispassionately as possible but don’t neglect your intuition.

Having decided to tackle a particular problem area ask some specific questions.

• Is it really my responsibility to be thinking about this?
• Is it essential for me to think about this now?
• How will I know when I have completed it?
• How do 1 expect to feel afterwards?
• What worries do I have about achieving it?
• How can I reduce my anxiety about it?
• Can I imagine myself actually doing it?
• What might I say?
• What problems might there be?
• Where do I start and what further steps need I take?

Then do it.

Five rules for getting things done

• Don’t try to solve the insoluble. For example, if the postmortem was inconclusive there may probably be a good argument to let it pass rather than fruitlessly chase after ‘the truth’ for the rest of your life.
• Tackle one problem at a time, but have the security of knowing that the others are not urgent and they won’t be forgotten. You can then switch off your thoughts about them and concentrate on the work in hand (20 per cent of problems take up 80 per cent of our energy).
• You will complete this task successfully. Under no circumstances will you give up if things start to go badly. It is imperative that you can show an achievement. If, before you start, you think that there is a risk that you might not manage it, go back to your list and replace it with one that you can manage.
• If we have a choice it is usually more effective – and easier – to concentrate on changing ourselves rather than other people.

• We don’t always have to come up with some action plan: doing nothing is an option. After thinking about it, we might decide that the benefits aren’t worth the energy required to achieve them. In the same way we might choose to put up with a situation if it is only going to be temporary. Doing nothing is only dangerous if it comes about through indecision.

Congratulate yourself and, after a rest, go back to your list. If you feel able, try to put the rest of the items into some sort of priority order and make a start on the next task.

As further jobs to be done occur to you, add them to the master list at the appropriate level of urgency.

Let the list take charge of you for the time being. As your competence to make decisions is restored, you can then take back control.

A relationship review

After the first shock of bereavement we often have a muddle of memories, feelings and fears. A useful way of taking stock of the past, present and future is to try to review our lost relationship and ask some questions about our present and future situation. It sounds obvious – but without setting aside some time and focusing on details, we sometimes find it hard to get to grips with our feelings and anxieties. Reality becomes much sharper when we set about converting vague feelings into words. We don’t know how we feel until we find the words to describe it.

Try going through the following questions and answering each one with a couple of sentences. Even better, write your answers down. A biography of your life together will emerge. Other thoughts will occur to you, which you can also include.

The act of putting together this relationship story will give you a reference point to return to. You will be able to notice changes in your feelings and ideas. It will also be a useful way of recording your ‘history’ – as the years go by, memories fade; this will remain to refer to. Such an exercise also helps you give a ‘completeness’ to your relationship, which will eventually help with the task of ‘moving on’.

• I remember when I first met...
• My first impressions of...
• What do I know about...’s life before we met?
• What was my life before we met?
• What did my family think of... ?
• What did ...’s family think about me?
• What was it like – the beginning of our relationship?
• What difficulties did we have?
• The story of our time together...
• The things I shall most miss about... now that s/he’s gone are...
• What was...’s proudest achievement
• What did... fall short of achieving?
• When did the events leading to the final illness first begin?
• How did the illness affect...?
• How did... regard death?
• Was... able to say all that she wanted to me?
• What fears do I have for the future?
• What strengths do I have to face future difficulties?
• If I need help from others, where can I find it?
• Do I think, in time, I will want another relationship like the one I had with...?
• How could a future relationship be different?
• In what ten practical ways will my life now be different?
• What difficulties will there be about making these changes?
• What are my feelings about each of these?
• What would... be encouraging me to do now if s/he were alive?

These are only suggested cues: you’ll know what the other questions are.

Discover who we are now

Strangely, learning to be alone is an important step in learning to heal our loneliness.

Susan Jeffers, Thoughts of Power and Love, 1997

Having given some attention to ourselves in the context of the previous relationship, it might be worth focusing on us as individuals now. The greater our loss, the more our sense of our ‘self is likely to be dented. Our first feelings in relation to the outside world will be those of lack of confidence and incompetence. We need to rebuild a new ‘self which will:

• be comfortable and at ease with our feelings
• be satisfied with our own ‘worth’
• be able to mix easily with other people
• take a pride in our skills and aptitudes
• have a sense of physical well-being.

To achieve this we need to be able to work through our hurt and pain to build a new life for ourselves in which our lost partner has no part. We need to recover those parts of ourselves from the dead person which we gave up to them or never developed in the comfort of our dependence.

• We need to see ourselves as a social individual who wants new and improved relationships with others on our own terms.
• We need to be able to make an honest assessment of our potential in work or leisure activities.
• We need to be aware of our health and fitness.

When we feel that it’s time to begin to let go of the past it’s worth taking stock of our assets and potential. Ask yourself the following questions; take your time and write down your answers. Better still find someone to go through the questions with you who will ask you to expand.

• Write down five key strengths in your personality, which have served you well throughout your life (e.g. honesty, punctuality, dependability). Describe an occasion when each of these has been evident.
• How have you changed during your last relationship?
• Describe your social abilities before you met the person you have just lost (e.g. suspicious, easy to get on with, shy).
• Do you feel confident about meeting other people?

• How far were you dependent in your social life on the person who has died?
• What attracted people to you in the past?
• What qualities did you look for in other people?
• Has there been a common strand running through previous relationships?
• How would other people have described you before you met the person who has died?
• Write down your skills (practical, intellectual, artistic). Which please you most?
• What are your ‘blind spots’? If they are important, what can you do about them?
• What do you think about your appearance? Is it important to you? Do you think it’s important to other people? If so, what do you need to do?
• In what practical and emotional ways will you miss the dead person? How will you manage?
• Do you need:

the approval of other people?	to be successful?
to be dependent?	to be perfect?
to get what you want?	to have power?

When you have worked through these questions, write down anything that has surprised you or which you think will be important to keep in mind for your new future life.

Grieving doesn’t mean we can’t feel pleasure

Grief is about adjustment to those parts of our lives and feelings which have been affected by the loss of someone close. There are, however, other aspects of our lives which will remain unaffected. There will, at first, be a gloomy despair which will seep into everything that happens to us, but once we have adjusted to the first shock, we ought soon to be able to recover our ability to enjoy some positive pleasures that are not associated with the loss.

Associations are complex things – only we will know the areas that are ‘safe’ for us, but if we remember the things we used to enjoy we should be able to find some activity to turn to for some respite from our negative thoughts.

The trouble is that we find it hard to experience pleasure without feeling some sense of betrayal – what will other people say if they catch us laughing? However, we know how we feel; it’s perfectly possible to be desolate at the loss of a partner and to enjoy a meal or a walk in the country. It’s important that we hang on to things that can still make us feel good. It’s easy to get ‘addicted’ by habit to gloom; finding small pleasures are the first steps to regaining a new wholeness.

We should also go out of our way to notice our achievements and give ourselves credit for even small improvements in our functioning. Noticing progress in the past helps us see hope for the future. If we find ourselves taking some pleasure in our brooding weakness, it may be difficult, but it is imperative that we give ourselves a slapped wrist. We have enough on our plate trying to emerge from grief – we must resist being seduced by it.

And now for something completely different...

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.

George Bernard Shaw (1856–1950), Mrs Warrens Profession

The closer our relationship has been, the more likely it will be that all parts of our lives will have some resonance with our loss. One way of breaking free of these constant reminders is to become involved in something that is new to us as an individual and had no part in the previous relationship. There will be no associations or memories connected with it and it will be ‘a place to go’ to try out our new ‘aloneness’.

It’s preferable if it is straightforward, undemanding, and non-competitive. We should be able to do it without support, without much fuss, and it should have some value or end product. We’ve all got things in the back of our minds that we’d rather like to do ‘one day’:

take up cycling	learn a new language
learn how to knit	learn meditation
take up embroidery	work for a charity
go to an auction	go somewhere completely new
write a novel	buy a motorbike
help with adult literacy	be a voluntary car driver
start going to the gym	help in a day centre or hospital
get a job	learn car maintenance
become a volunteer – Citizens Advice Centre, Samaritans, Relate	help at the local school.

It’s important that we don’t feel disrespectful or guilty about taking pleasure in life. At first we will have no stomach for it but there is no reason why someone suffering deep loss should not take pride in an achievement or begin to enjoy themselves.

If we set aside an hour or two every day for such activities we will not only find some respite from our grieving but they can become a way of levering ourselves back to independent living.

Know who your friends are

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803–82)

‘If there’s anything I can do... anything!’ is not an offer we can rely on. Everyone means it when they say it but the use-by date on the offer may well have expired the following day.

Most people will mean it and you will know who they are. Ideally they should be people who are relatively unaffected by the death – probably not relatives – but who have had some experience of being bereaved. They may or may not necessarily be ‘friends’ (although they may become so).

We need to be able to trust them with confidences – many of the things we will want to talk about are intensely personal.

We need to respect their opinions and advice, but they should offer few and little. Their role is to share our thoughts and feelings: they should be flexible about how we may want to use them.