Your speech should be solid, thoughtful and sensible. However, even your most profound, serious and emotional outpourings should be counterbalanced by a few witty asides. You must also allow the lighter, more humorous side of your personality to shine through. The best sort of humour for a bride’s father is often self-deprecating. Show the guests that you don’t take yourself too seriously. For example:

‘Janet pleased me by laughing uproariously when reading the draft of this little speech, only to tell me it was my spelling that so amused her.’

Self-mockery of this kind is a subtle demonstration of your underlying confidence (honestly!). It offends nobody and it reminds the crowd what a likeable, loveable chap you really are.

You can also take a few gentle pot shots at people sitting alongside you at the top table, so long as you are confident that none of them will be offended. Some examples of humour targeted at yourself, your daughter, new son-in-law and wife can be found between pages 23 and 27.

This chapter provides a miscellany of one-lines, jokes, quotations and stories which you could use, or adapt and personalise, to suit the precise circumstances of the wedding. They are in no logical order because, as we have seen, humour and seriousness work best when intermixed. People respond best to a gag when it follows on naturally from a serious or emotional point... and vice-versa.

And now it’s time for those jokes and quotes:

A little boy asks his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? His father replies, ‘I don’t know, son ... I’ll let you know when I finish paying.’

Success in marriage is more than finding the right person; it is being the right person (Rabbi B.R. Bricker).

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

Everything that is exchanged between a husband and wife in their life together can only be the free gift of love. It can never be demanded by one or the other as a right (Ellen Key).

Jack was reading his newspaper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful singer who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of Q. He turned to his wife and said, ‘I’ll never understand why the biggest wallies get the most attractive girls.’ His wife replied, ‘Why thank you, dear.’

Mary told her friend she was going to the doctor’s . ‘Why? What’s wrong?’ asked the friend. ‘Because I don’t like the look of my husband,’ Mary replied. ‘Can I come with you?’ enquired the friend, ‘I can’t stand the sight of mine either.’

Love, the strongest and deepest element in all life, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws, of all conventions; love, the freest, the most powerful moulder of human destiny (Emma Goldman).

Liz is the most wonderful, charming, intelligent, thoughtful daughter a father could have. She does everything for me. She even wrote this speech.

After all those years together, a husband decided it was time to put a little magic back into their marriage. He disappeared.

Married couples resemble a pair of scissors, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone or anything which comes between them (Sydney Smith).

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly (Voltaire).

Good Ladies, afternoon and Gentlemen ... I knew I should have rehearsed this speech.

The love we give away is the only love we keep (Elbert Hubbard).

A toast to sweethearts. May all sweethearts become married couples and may all married couples remain sweethearts.

A man asks his wife, ‘Why do you always carry a photograph of me in your handbag when you go to work?’ She replies that whenever there is a problem she looks at the photo and the problem seems to disappear. That shows what a miraculous and powerful influence I have on you,’ he boasts. ‘No it doesn’t,’ she retorts. ‘When I see your picture I say to myself: What problem can possibly be any greater than this one?’

A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in individuals (Pearl Buck).

A nagging old woman tells a grumpy old man, ‘If you were my husband, I would poison your cocoa’. To which the old chap replies, ‘If you were my wife, I’d drink it.’

I haven’t spoken to my wife for eighteen months ... it would be rude to interrupt.

In most good marriages, the woman is the husband’s closest friend and adviser(Nancy Regan).

Richard is taking his dog for a walk through the cemetery when he sees a man kneeling at a grave. The man seems to be praying with profound intensity, and keeps repeating, ‘Why did you die? Why did you die?” Richard approaches him, and says, ‘I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I have ever witnessed before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, rests in that grave?’ The mourner looks up and answers, ‘My wife’s first husband ... Why did you die? Why did you die?”

I remember the day so well when Samantha came home from her ballet lesson and announced,’Mrs Evans said I would be a fine dancer except for two things.’ ‘What are they?” I asked. And Sam replied,’My feet.’

Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction(Antoine de Saint-Exupery).

Don’t let your marriage go stale. Change the bag on the Hoover of life (Victoria Wood).

Father O’Grady is saying his goodbyes to the parishioners, as he always does, after his Sunday morning service. Mary O’Leary comes up to him in tears. ‘What’s bothering you, my child?’ asks Father O’Grady. ‘Oh Father, I’ve got terrible news,’ replies Mary, ‘My husband passed away last night.’ ‘Oh Mary,’ says the good Father, ‘that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?’ ‘Yes,’ Mary replies sheepishly,’ he said: “Mary, please put down that gun.”’

A man asks his friend, ‘Don’t you and your wife ever have any differences of opinion?’ And the friend replies, ’Of course we do ... but I never tell her about them.’

Man and wife, a king and queen with one or two subjects, and a few square yards of territory of their own: this, really, is marriage. It is true freedom because it is true fulfilment, for man, woman and children (D.H. Lawrence).

I was so proud of Anna. When she was only five she could spell her name backwards.

When Laura was a little girl, she ran to me, sobbing, ‘I lost my puppy!’ ‘Don’t cry,’ I said, ‘We’ll get your puppy back. I’ll put an ad in the paper.’ ‘That won’t do any good,’ Laura wailed, ‘Spot can’t read!’

I went to the doctor and asked for some sleeping pills for my wife. The doctor asked me,‘Why?’ and I said, ‘Because she just woke up.’

I’ll never forget what started our first argument. Betty said, ‘What’s on the TV?’ And I replied, ‘Dust.’

Always remember that the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it (Erica Jong).

A lady placed an ad in the classifieds. It read: ‘Husband wanted’. The next day she received over one hundred replies. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

A man was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner. His friend spent the whole evening addressing his wife in the most endearing of terms, calling her Honey, Darling, My Love, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and the like. The guest was impressed as the couple had been married over thirty years and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his old mate, ‘I think it’s wonderful that after all these years you’ve been married you can still call your wife those pet names.’ His friend hung his head. To tell the truth,’ he said, ‘I forgot her real name years ago.’

We grow old as soon as we cease to love and trust(Louise Honouring de Choiseul).

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says, ‘I can’t find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’ ‘Why?’ she asks. And the man replies, ’Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.’

Janet was always pestering us for a DVD player. I told her we couldn’t afford one, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Then one day she came home clutching a package containing a brand new DVD player. ‘Wherever did you get the money to pay for that?’ I asked. ‘It’s alright, dad,’ she replied, ‘I traded in the TV for it.’

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town, and a local newspaper reporter was enquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. ‘Well it dates back to our honeymoon,’ explained the husband. ‘We went horse riding in North Wales. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse bucked. My wife quietly said, That’s once’. A little further the horse bucked again and once more my wife quietly said, That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone another half mile when the nag did it a third time. Without saying a word my wife dismounted and gave the horse an unmerciful kick in the balls. I started to protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me and quietly said, That’s once ...’

Jacqui was late for school, so I shouted to her, ‘Have you got your socks on yet’? ‘Yes, dad,’ she replied,’all except one.’

We can only learn to love by loving (Iris Murdoch).

In my youth, I remember asking my beloved, ‘Shall we try a couple of new positions tonight?’ And she replied, That’s a wonderful idea, love ... you stand by the sink, and do the dishes ... and I’ll lay on the sofa, and fart.’

A man went to the police station, wishing to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court/ said the desk sergeant. ‘No, no, no! exclaimed the man,’ I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years.’

Marriage is an armed alliance against the outside world (G.K.Chesterson).

A married couple are enjoying a meal out when a gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges a warm greeting with the husband, blows him a kiss, and strolls off. ‘Who was that’? demands the wife. ‘If you must know, that was my mistress,’ replies the husband. Your mistress? I want a divorce!’ screams the wife. ‘Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the country, a Mercedes, furs, jewellery and our holiday home in Monte Carlo’? he asks. They continue dining in silence for a while. Finally, the wife asks, ‘Isn’t that James over there? Who is he with?’ The husband replies, ‘Why that’s h/s mistress.’ And the wife says, ‘Well, ours is definitely sexier.’

Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new (Ursula K. LeGuin).

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has recently passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint noise, open the coffin and find the woman is still alive. She lives for ten more years and then really does die. A second service is held at the church, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking towards the exit, the husband cries out, ‘Watch the wall!’

These three efforts are the golden threads with which domestic happiness is woven: to repress a harsh answer, to confess a fault, and to stop – right or wrong – in the midst of argument (Elizabeth Hidden Estaugh).

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the supermarket. But I wasn’t sure if the ones on display were grown naturally, so I grabbed an elderly assistant and said, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals’? And the assistant said, ‘No. You’ll have to do that yourself.’

The best way to get most husbands to something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it (Ann Bancroft).

An elderly man lays dying on his bed when he smells the the aroma of cooked ham wafting up the stairs. It has been his favourite food for the entire sixty years of his marriage. Somehow he finds the strength to stagger to the top of the stairs and calls down to his beloved, Thank you, darling, for preparing my favourite meal for the final time.’ And she shouts, ‘Get back to bed, you old fart. The ham’s for your funeral!’

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

On a cold February morning, a woman walks into a post office and sees a small, balding, middle aged man sticking stamps on envelope after envelope. He then

takes a perfume bottle from his briefcase and starts spraying scent all over them. Her curiosity gets the better of her. She goes up to the man and asks what he’s doing. He says, ‘I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards, all signed “Guess Who?” ‘But why? asks the woman. I’m a divorce lawyer,’ replies the man.

If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke or a good wife.

Love is a general leveller – it makes a king a slave: and inspires the slave with every joy a prince can taste (Elizabeth Inchbald).

When Dave asked me for Jill’s hand in marriage, I said, ‘Dave, you should know Jill’s been asked to get married hundreds of times! ‘Who by?’ Dave asked. I replied, ‘By me!’

MI5 want to recruit a spy. After extensive interviews and tests, the short-list is down to three. Now they need to test them to the limit. The first candidate is brought to the office of the Head of MI5, on the twentieth floor of the building, and the conversation goes like this: ‘Do you love your wife’? ‘Yes I do, sir.’ ‘Do you love your country?” “Yes I do, sir.’ ‘Which do you love more, your wife or your country’? ‘My country, sir.’ Then prove it. Your wife is in the next room. Take this gun and kill her!’ The man thinks deeply for a few moments and then exclaims, ‘No, I can’t do that!’ and runs out of the office in tears. The second candidate is ushered in. The Head of MI5 asks the same

questions and he receives the same replies. Then prove it,’ says the Head, Take this gun and kill your wife!’ The man picks up the gun goes into the next room and there is silence for five minutes. He comes back covered in sweat, shaking uncontrollably. He puts the gun down and says, ‘I just couldn’t do it.’ The third candidate comes in and the Head asks the same questions and receives the same replies. Then prove it,’ says the Head, Take this gun and kill your wife!’ The man goes into the next room. Immediately there is the sound of firing: Bang! Bang! Bang! This is followed by the sounds of a violent struggle, the smashing of glass and the scream of a woman. The man returns to the office and calmly places the gun on the desk. ‘What happened’? asks the Head. The candidate replies, ‘The gun you gave me was loaded with blanks, sir. So I threw her out of the window!’

A marriage where not only esteem, but passion is kept awake, is, I am convinced, the most perfect state of happiness: but it requires great care to keep this tender plant alive (Frances Brooke).

This is the letter which Liz sent to Brian last summer. ‘Dear Brian, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. Nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love forever, Liz. PS Congratulations on becoming a Lotto millionaire!’

Partnership, not dependence, is the real romance of marriage (Murial Fox).

Last week I ran into Jim as he was coming out of the art gallery. We chatted over lunch when he dropped a bombshell on me. ‘Steve,’ he said, ‘Alice and I are going to get a divorce.’ I was stunned. ‘Why? What happened? You two seemed so happy together.’ ‘Well,’ he said, ‘ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, swearing and so much more. She taught me to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and the ballet.’ ‘Are you bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you?’ I probed. ‘Oh not at all,’ he replied, ‘Now that I’m so improved and refined, she just isn’t good enough for me.’

It usually takes some time for the husband and wife to know each other’s humours and habits, and to find out what surrender of their own they can make with the least reluctance for their mutual good (Amelai Opie).

Billy comes home from school and proudly announces that he’s been given a part in the school play. ‘I play a man who has been married for twenty years,’ he says. ’Don’t worry,’ replies his father,’ Keep up the good work and next time they may give you a speaking part.’

After a difficult few months a couple are visiting RELATE, when the wife confides to the marriage councellor, The only reason we are still married is because neither of us want custody of the children.’

A man dies and his wife phones to place an announcement in the local newspaper. She asks to be put through to the Births, Marriages and Deaths department, and says, ‘I want you to print: Fred is dead. The man at the newspaper says, ‘But for the minimum charge of £8 you are allowed to print six words.’ The woman replies, ‘OK. Then print: Fred is dead. Nissan for sale.’

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

There are only two things that are absolute realities, love and knowledge, and you can’t escape them (Ella Wheeler Wilcox).

A rich man is approached by a beggar asking for food. The rich man says, ‘Do you smoke? I could give you some of my finest Havana cigars.’ The beggar replies, ‘No, I don’t. I am hungry and want food.’ The rich man then asks, ‘Do you drink? I have a bottle of vintage champagne which you could have.’ The beggar replies, ‘No, I don’t. I am hungry and want food.’ The rich man then asks, ‘Do you gamble? I have contacts at Newmarket and I could give you some surefire tips for the races this weekend.’ The beggar again replies, ‘No, I don’t. I am hungry and want food.’ Finally, the rich man says, ‘Well in that case I had better take you back to my mansion.’ He invites the beggar into his Porche and drives him to his very substantial home, where he introduces the beggar to his wife. She takes her husband to one side and asks, ‘Why have you brought this poor man here? Are you going to invite him to live with us, to eat our food and to wear our clothes’? ‘No, of course not, the rich man replies, ‘I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.’

Marriage turns a night owl into a homing pigeon (Glenn Shelton).

Zoe could be quite devious at school. I remember the time I asked her what the ‘F’ meant on her school report, and she said, ‘Fantastic’.

What do you Instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at choosing clothes.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of good fortune, must be in want of a wife (Jane Austen, opening words of Pride and Prejudice).

Love understands love; it needs no talk (Frances Ridley Havergal).

An elderly couple return from a wedding and are in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on the couch, the elderly woman looks at her husband and says, ‘I remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity.’ The old man, feeling obligated, reaches over and gently places his hand upon hers. Then she says, ‘I also remember when you used to kiss me every time you had the opportunity.’ The old man, again feeling obligated, leans over and gives her a peck on the cheek. The elderly woman then says, ‘And I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine.’ This time the old man stands up and begins to walk out of the room. His wife asks, ‘Was it something I said? Where are you going’? The old man looks back at her and replies, ‘I’m going in the bathroom to get my teeth.’

Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Love and hope are twins (Maria Brooks).

A recently married young couple are in their honeymoon suite. As they undress for bed, the burly husband tosses his trousers to his bride and says, ‘Put these on.’ She steps into them and finds they are twice the size of her body. ‘I can’t wear your trousers,’ she says. That’s right!’ exclaims the husband, ‘And don’t you forget it. I’m the one who wears the trousers in this family!’ At this, she removes her scanty panties and throws them to her husband. Try these on,’ she says. He tried them on and finds he can only get them on as far as his knees. ‘I can’t get into your panties,’ he says. That’s right!’ she exclaims, ‘And you never will until your attitude changes.’

A newly married woman asks her husband, ‘Do you want dinner’? What are the choices,’ he asks. ‘Yes or no,’ she replies.

A rich man asks his wife, ‘Darling, what would you like for your birthday present? How about a diamond ring?’ ‘I don’t care much for diamonds,’ she replies. ‘Well, how about a mink coat? he asks. ‘You know I don’t like furs,’ she replies. ‘A golden necklace’? he suggests. ‘I already have five of them,’ she replies.’Well, darling, what do you want?* he enquires. ‘What I’d really like is a divorce,’ she answers. He thinks about things for a moment or two, and then says, ‘Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much.’

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up (Joseph Barth).

When you are in love, you tell each other a thousand things without talking (Hawaiian proverb).

After thirty years of marriage, a woman becomes tired of being continually ignored by her husband. When he comes home from work, she says, ‘Hello, darling. Notice anything different about me today?’ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he says, ‘have you had your hair done?’ ‘No.’ she says, ‘Try again.’ ‘Well, maybe you’ve bought a new dress,’ he says. ‘No,’ she says, ‘Keep trying.’ ‘You’ve had your nails done,’ he says. ‘No, try again,’ she continues. ‘I give up, I’m too tired to play Twenty Questions!’ he snarls. And she says, ‘I’m wearing a gas mask!’

My wife is very dear to me ... she costs me a fortune.

A young man, looking to get married, confides in his friend, The problem is: my mother doesn’t get on with any of the women I bring home. What can I do?’ ‘Oh, that’s easy,’ his friend replies, ‘Find someone who’s just like your mother.’ ‘I tried that last week,’ the young man says, ‘and my father hated her.’

Love is life, love is the lamp that lights the universe: without that light this goodly frame the earth, is a barren promontory and man the quintessence of dust (Mary Elizabeth braddon).

Ryan, when you have a discussion with your new wife, always remember to get the last two words in: ‘Yes, dear!’

At dinner, a newlywed wife says to her husband, The two things I cook best are chicken curry and apple pie.’ To which the husband replies, ‘Which is this?’

Married life can be very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens, in the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

A husband comes home and finds his wife, dressed in a raincoat and an anorak, painting the living room. He asks her why she is wearing these clothes in the house and she replies, ‘I read the can, and it said, “ for best results put on two coats.”’

Marriage is so popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity (George Bernard Shaw).

The bride, upon her engagement, rushes to her mother, and says, ‘I’ve found a man just like dad!’ Her mother replies, ‘So what do you want’? from me ... sympathy?

A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day (André Maurois).

Love remoulds the world nearer to the heart’s desire (Mary Perenson).

A married couple are going through a very difficult period so they decide to visit a marriage counsellor. After they have talked for a while, the counsellor says to the husband, ‘You are very stressed and you need some space. I suggest that you run five miles every day next week, then call me back.’ A week later the counsellor receives a call from the husband. ‘Well,’ she asks, ‘how are you getting on with your wife?’ ‘How should I know? says the husband, ‘I’m thirty-five miles away.’

Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up (Ogden Nash).

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife.

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus or a minus (Emma Goldman).

A young couple return from their honeymoon and finally put away all the presents they had received a fortnight earlier from their extended families and numerous friends. The next day, they receive two tickets in the post for a top West End show for which you couldn’t normally get tickets for love nor money. Attached to the tickets is a small piece of paper with this single line: ‘Guess Who Sent These’? The couple have much fun trying to identify the donor, but fail in the effort. They go to London and have a wonderful time. On their return home, in the early hours of the next morning, still trying to identify their unknown host, they find the house stripped of every item of value. On the bare table in the dining room is a piece of paper on which is written, in the same hand as on the note which accompanied the tickets: ‘Now You Know!’

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Before we got married, my wife promised to sew, clean and cook ... and she did. She sowed her wild oats, cleaned me out, and cooked my goose.

A couple are celebrating their thirtieth wedding anniversary, when the wife bluntly asks, ‘Did you marry me because you heard my great-uncle had left me a fortune?’ And the husband replies, ‘Of course not, dear. I’d have married you no matter who had left you the money.’

To celebrate their ruby wedding anniversary, a couple decide to spent a weekend in Wales. When they arrive at their hotel, the receptionist says, ‘Sorry, we only have the honeymoon suite available.’ ‘My wife and I have been married for 40 years,’ the man says, ‘We don’t need the honeymoon suite.’ ‘Don’t panic, sir,’ replies the receptionist, ‘If I were to rent you the Millennium Stadium, you wouldn’t have to play rugby!’

Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age (Dudley Moore).

I had been married for three years, but never told anyone. I like to keep my troubles to myself.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

In all the years I’ve been married, I’ve never stopped being romantic. If my wife ever finds out, I’m dead.

The heart can do anything (French proverb).

Just imagine, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

The only true happiness in life is to love and be loved (George Sand).

A man leaves the snow-covered streets of London for a holiday in Australia. His wife is on a business trip and is planning to join him there that weekend. When he reaches his hotel, he decides to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he has written her email address, he does his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he misses one letter and his message is directed to an elderly vicar’s wife, whose husband has passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checks her emails, she takes one look at the monitor, lets out a piercing scream and drops dead on the spot. Hearing the thud, her family rush into the room and see this message on the screen. It reads: ’Dearest wife, Had a good journey. Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival here on Friday. PS It’s really hot down here.’

A successful marriage involves falling in love many times – but always with the same person (Bob Monkhouse).

The newlywed bride says to her husband, ‘I’m not cleaning up after you. I’m a career woman. That means I pay others to do the housework.’ ‘How much do you pay?’ he asks. And she replies, ‘£5.50 an hour. Take it or leave it.’

Love is not getting, but giving. It is sacrifice. And sacrifice is glorious! (Marie Dressier).

I was crazy to get married ... but I didn’t realise it at the time.

A man takes his wife along to a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks him to explain their problem. The man says, ‘What’s ‘er name here claims I don’t pay her enough attention.’

Dawn love is silver,

Wait for the west:

Old love is gold love -

Old love is best (Katherine Lee Bates).

May your love for each other grow as surely as your waist-lines will.

Whoever loves true life, will love true love (Elizabeth Barrett Browning).

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage (Martin Luther).

Several men are sitting around the locker room after their Saturday morning workout at the gym. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings and a man picks it up. A woman says, ‘Hi, darling it’s me. Are you at the gym’? ‘Yes,’ he replies. ‘Great!’ she continues, ‘I’ve just seen the ideal dress for the party. It costs £,600, but you’ll love it. Can I buy it? The man replies, ‘Well if you like it that much, of course you can.’ ‘Wonderful,’ she says, ‘And I’ve found the perfect cruise for next summer. It’s £6000. But we’ll travel everywhere we’ve ever talked about. There’s only two places left. What do you think’? And the man says, ‘Sure, book it right now.’ ‘Before you hang up, darling,’ the woman continues, ‘that dream house we looked at last year is back on the market again. They’re asking £600,000. 1 know it’s a lot, but we’ll never get another chance like this!’ ‘Right,’ says the man, ‘we don’t want to lose it again. Offer the full price and say we’ll complete within a month!’ ‘Oh, darling, you’re wonderful! I love you! See you later,’ she says. The man hangs up, holds the mobile above his head and asks all those present, ‘Whose phone is this?’

Love is the wine of existence (Henry Ward Beecher).

A toast: May my wonderful daughter one day be blessed with rich parents!

The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters (Harold Nicolson).

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. It reads: ’Dear husband, I have decided to grow some cabbages in the back garden. When is the best time to plant themT The prisoner, knowing the guards read all the mail, replies in a letter: ‘Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid the money.’ A week later, the prisoner receives another letter from his wife. It says: ‘Dear husband, today some men came with spades to the house and dug up all the back garden. ‘The prisoner writes back: Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the cabbages.’

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for married life ... because they have already bought cheap jewellery and experienced ears of pain.

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing (Mignon McLaughlin).

True love is like the misty rain that falls so softly, yet floods the river (Nigerian proverb).

Love is a great force in life; it is indeed the greatest of all things (E.M. Forster).

It is 3 o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband

picks up the phone and says, ‘Hello? ... How the hell should I know? What am I, a weatherman’? And he slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, ‘Who was that?’ Her husband replies, ‘I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.’

When (daughter) was about four she came home from nursery one day and said, ‘My teacher is silly.’ ‘What do you mean she’s silly’? I asked.‘Well when I put my shoes on today, teacher said “(daughter), you’ve put your shoes on the wrong feet.” That’s why teacher is silly ... because I know they are my feet.’

On the first day of infant school, about mid-morning, the teacher turned to the class and said, ‘If anyone has to go to the toilet, put your hand in the air.’ (daughter) stood up and asked, ‘How will that help?’

When (daughter) went to uni for the first time, (wife) was rather concerned about her and warned her over and over again never to take any boys back to her room. At the end of the Christmas term, when (daughter) came home, she told (wife) that she had met (groom). ‘I hope you haven’t taken him back to your room,’ (wife) exclaimed. ‘No, mum,’ (daughter) replied. ‘I know how much you’d have worried if I’ done that... I always go back to his room ... let his mum do the worrying.’