A little humour can help lighten that air of intensity so often associated with the bride’s father’s speech.

People can only take so much emotion. They soon begin to display all the classic symptoms of sentiment fatigue: yawning, fidgeting, talking. Sure, they want – and expect – to experience some good, old fashioned soul-satisfying emotion, but they also want to sit back, have a good time and be entertained. So keep them happy by enlivening your sentimental passages with touches of humour.

Choose your material with ingenuity and reconsider it with care. Does the humorous line arise naturally from the serious words that precede it? Does its punchline act as a punctuation at the end of a paragraph so that you can embark smoothly on the next topic?

Always try to use jokes and stories that have a telling point. In that way, if you fail to win a laugh, you can go right on talking as if you never meant to. Then it appears that the only reason for saying what you did was its message. If they don’t laugh, they won’t know they haven’t!

1 Making humour work for you

The central dilemma facing many speakers may be put thus: I want to be funny, but I’m not a comedian. Unless you are a gifted comic, you can take the much simpler but equally effective course to win your laughs – play it straight. Leave broad comedy performance to the professional clowns. For most of us, the best way to tell a joke or relate an anecdote is to do so seriously and to follow these tricks of the trade:

• Don’t apologise for your inexperience: avoid lines like ‘I don’t tell jokes too well, but I’ll do my best’. This destroys your humour even before you start.
• Keep it short and simple (KISS): at a wedding, half the crowd may not know the other half. If you include unnecessary detail or drag the story out at least half your audience will lose interest.
• Allow your guests enough time to enjoy the joke: if you rush the delivery, you’re undercutting the effect you worked so hard to achieve.
• Speak slowly and clearly: make sure the audience can understand every word of your joke – especially the punchline.
• Enjoy yourself: smile and look happy. Your mood will be contagious, making it that much easier for you to get a laugh.

But we all have some abilities and talents. Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Any regional accents or dialects which you can do well (and only if you can do them well) should be incorporated into your stories. A punchline is doubled in effect in the appropriate Cockney or Brummie accent, especially after a ‘straight’ and serious build up.

2 Seeing the funny side of things

Here are some lines that you could use or adapt to take a few friendly little pot shots against yourself, your daughter, son-in-law and wife. You’ll find plenty more gags in Chapter 7.

Yourself

Any speaker who cannot laugh at himself leaves the job to others. Poke fun at yourself before you poke fun at anyone else:

‘What a panic yesterday evening! I heard (daughter) say to her mother, “Mum, I’ve still got so much to do and I want everything to be perfect. I’m determined not to overlook even the most insignificant detail.” And her mother replied, “Don’t worry, love, I’ll make sure your father’s there.”’

‘As we were on our way to the wedding this morning, (wife) turned to me and said, “You know, you don’t seem quite as well dressed as when we were married 30 years ago.” I replied, “Well I don’t know why not, I’m wearing the same suit.”’

‘I shall never forget my marriage because I had to ask my wife’s father permission to marry his daughter. “Have you the means to make her happy?” he asked, “Well,” I said, “it’ll make her laugh and I’m afraid that’s the best I can do.”’

‘I asked my wife if she remembered our wedding night. (“Your name”), she said, “that was 30 years ago, there’s no need to apologise now.”’

‘One evening, after we’d been married for about a month, I asked, “You don’t mind if I point out a few of your faults, do you?” “Not at all,” she replied, “it’s those little faults that stopped me from getting a better husband.”’

‘When (daughter) was in one of her disobedient moods her mother told her to behave herself. “I will for a fiver” replied (daughter). (Wife) said, “You should be good for nothing-just like your father.”’

'I'd like to thank Moss Bros for the suit; Marks and Sparks for the bow tie and Boots for the Valium ...’

Your daughter

Don’t forget that it’s her big day. And a few crass words can shatter it. Target your humour with extreme caution and care:

Today I gave away my daughter ... and you will never believe the pleasure that gave me ... or the panic that I felt when I realised how these words could be misinterpreted.’

‘I haven’t lost a daughter ... I’ve gained an overdraft.’

‘I haven’t lost a daughter ... I’ve gained a bathroom’

’(Daughter) admits that she does have some faults, but she insists that ever being wrong isn’t one of them.’

’(Daughter) never loses her temper, but occasionally she mislays it.’

Your son-in-law

Once again, don’t be too cruel and be aware of how he – and his family – are likely to react to any ribbing:

’(Son-in-law) asked if I thought he was old enough to marry (daughter). “Oh yes,” I replied, “because you’ll age fast enough.”’

‘I warned my new son-in-law that when asked the question, “How’s the wife?” the answer expected is not “Compared with what?”’

‘In many ways (son-in-law) has been like a son to me ... he doesn’t take any notice of what I say and is threatening to eat us out of house and home.’

’Life could be a bit quiet from now on for (son-in-law) because I understand that (his parents) gave him strict instructions as a young lad never to go out with married women.’

‘And, (son-in-law), as you look to the future, remember those wise words from Monty Python’s Flying Circus: “And now for something completely different ...”’

Your wife

Use one or more of the following lines if – and only if – it is likely to be received by your good lady in the humorous spirit that you no doubt intended!

‘I’ll never forget my wedding day. You never saw two happier people ... than her mother and father.’

‘When we got married (wife) didn’t have a rag on her back. But she’s got plenty of them now.’

‘Being a romantic sort of girl, (wife) insisted on getting married in her grandmother’s dress. She looked absolutely fabulous – but her poor old granny nearly froze to death.’

Twenty-five years ago I asked for (wife’s) hand . . . and its been in my pocket ever since.’

’For 25 years my wife and I were deliriously happy ... then we met.’

‘I knew my wife could keep a secret because we had been engaged for three months before I even knew anything about it.’

‘I told my wife that we hadn’t been able to agree on anything during our 27 years of marriage. “28 years,” she replied.’

The first part of our marriage was blissfully happy. Then, on the way home from the ceremony ...’

‘I told my wife that I didn’t believe in combining marriage with a career- which is why I haven’t worked since my wedding day.’

‘A few weeks after we got married I came home from work to find (wife) in tears. “I feel terrible,” she said. “When I was pressing your suit, I burned a hole in the seat of your trousers.” “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “You’ve forgotten that I have an extra pair of trousers for that suit.” “Oh, I remembered all right,” she replied, “I cut a piece from them to patch the hole.”’

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go out to a restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’

3 Offering some words of advice

Finally, here are some not-too-serious pearls – or rather trinkets – of wisdom which you may wish to impart:

To the bridegroom

‘Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.’

‘Advice to the bridegroom? Easy. When she hands you a dishcloth, blow your nose and hand it back.’

To the bride

‘Whenever you introduce your husband to someone, refer to him as your first husband – that should keep him on his toes.’

‘Remember that although you are now married, your husband would still enjoy a visit to (local football team) and an occasional night out with the lads. Let him know you appreciate this. Mention what he’s missing every now and then.’

To the happy couple

’Remember that marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint and many other qualities you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.’

‘Always remember that money comes first and last. You’ve got to make it first and then make it last.’

‘Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.’

‘And a word of advice to you both: The best way to get the last word in any argument is to say “sorry.”’

‘Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.’