Every successful speech needs an injection of humour

A bridegroom’s speech should be sincere and emotional and should thank just about everyone for just about everything.

If you sandwich all your emotional outpourings between generous slices of humour, two huge benefits will result. Firstly, you will create a balanced speech that has something for everyone. Secondly, a weighty thought and a good joke will always reinforce each other in a kind of verbal synergy. If a serious message comes immediately after a good laugh, its effect on your audience will be at least doubled.

When it comes to questions of propriety and political correctness, things continually change. Keep up with the times and judge how broadminded your audience is likely to be. If you have any doubts about a joke, cut it. It may be stunningly good in your opinion, but if you offend or embarrass your audience, you will have a hard time winning them over again.

• My new bride’s family and my family hardly know each other. How can I create a speech which they will all find relevant, amusing and entertaining?
• Is it possible to be both emotional and funny in the same speech?
• I’m expecting a little ribbing from one or two people in the audience. It would be useful to have a few lines prepared which I could throw back at them, if this happens.
• I know it’s traditional for the best man to have a go at the groom, but can the groom take the mickey out of the best man?
• Do I need to be ‘squeaky clean’?

1 Making ‘em laugh

Everyone loves a good gag. If you can find a relevant joke you are onto a winner. Matching your choice of material to the nature of the guests is easy when the group all know each other – and they all know you and your bride. At wedding receptions this is often not the case, so you must choose your jokes and one-liners with care. You’ll find plenty of potential material in Chapter 7.

Let’s assume your best man, Ian, had a nasty bout of food poisoning while on his hols last year. There is no need to bring all that up again. One simple gag will do the job:

‘Ian went to Greece last summer ... had the shish kebabs all week.’

Now everyone present should find that amusing – with the possible exception of Ian.

Finally, remember to keep your speech clean – well cleanish anyway. Nobody will be shocked by a little innuendo – in fact, that’s expected:

‘I love (bride) terribly – but I’m sure I’ll get better at it.’

‘(Bride) took a Polaroid snap of me in the altogether last week. Then she took the picture out of the camera, looked at it and said, “I’ll have to get it enlarged.” ‘

‘A friend of mine is a born-again Christian. His wedding night was such a disappointment to him. He went into the bedroom and there was his lovely bride in the bed.

“My own love,” he said, “I had hoped to find you on your knees at the bedside.” “Oh, all right,” she said. ‘But it gives me terrible hiccups.”’

Aim to be amusing but not too risque. Before you tell a story or crack a joke, ask yourself whether it passes this test which the late and great Bob Monkhouse devised for all his potential material:

• 1.Do you think it is funny?
• 2.Can you say it confidently and with comfort?
• 3.Is there any danger of offending anyone?
• 4.Will they understand and appreciate it?

Do you think it is funny?

If you’re not really happy about a joke or a story you will not tell it well. Not only that, the guests probably won’t find it funny either. Follow this showbiz adage: If in doubt, leave it out.

Can you say it confidently and with comfort?

Stick to the KISS principle: Keep It Short and Simple. Ask yourself: Is this story right for me? A true story about one of your own amusing or embarrassing experiences will have far more effect and novelty value than a repeated old chestnut which some of your audience may have heard before.

Is there any danger of offending anyone?

The traditional advice is to avoid anything racist, sexist or ageist, and steer well clear of politics, religion and disabilities.

The problem is that if you do this automatically many of the best topics for jokes are lost. So use your common sense. Uncle Jack, in his electric wheelchair would prefer to have his leg pulled about the fine he incurred for speeding to get to the wedding on time, than to be ignored altogether.

Will they understand and appreciate it?

Your audience may be aged anything between 2 and 92 (nowadays even older) and they will probably have a wide range of backgrounds. So it is impossible to give a speech totally suited to everyone. However, what you can do is avoid extremes of, on the one hand, telling childish jokes and, on the other hand, telling complicated, technical stories comprehensible only to a professor of nuclear physics.

But whatever you do, make sure you never sink to the lavatorial. A speech which consistently aims at the lowest common denominator will not inspire affection or respect, and such a performance is ultimately barren of genuine humour.

2 Having a friendly dig at your best man

You know full well that your best man is going to take a few verbal pot-shots at you in a few moments. Don’t just meekly sit back and await his onslaught.

Get your retaliation in first. Nothing nasty or vindictive, though. All that is required is a little mild, friendly, humorous banter.

Your audience will only laugh at a parody of what it recognises as your best man’s little foibles. So think about his looks, characteristics, job and hobbies. There is bound to be plenty of scope for humour here.

The guests must recognise that while all your jokes are clearly exaggerations, they are nonetheless based on fundamental truths about your best man. For instance, there is no point in laughing at his colourful use of language, unless you are sure the audience knows he spends most of his waking hours effing and blinding, and is not merely the kind who just might bleat out an apologetic ‘oh, blast’ – and then only if mauled by a lion.

Say he is not known for his sartorial elegance, then you might observe that:

‘(Best man) will be getting up to speak in a moment or two, and I can tell you he has some very unusual material, beginning with his suit.’

If he’s known to be a bit of a boozer:

‘It only takes one drink to get (best man) drunk ... the fourteenth.’

If he wheels and deals in wheels:

‘Last week, at the car lot (best man) pointed to an old Escort.’ “I can’t shift this,” he said, “I’ll have to reduceit.”

“By how much?” I asked. “Oh, by about three owners and 50,000 miles,” he replied.’

If he’s into photography:

‘I’m not too sure what kind of photographs (best man) takes, but I can tell you he has to develop them in the dark.’

A neat little trick is to go one stage further and to damn him through faint praise. The idea here is to issue a half-hearted compliment which really does no more that highlight your poor victim’s mediocrity:

‘What a man! You know it only took him six attempts to pass his driving test.’

‘(Best man) is the most independent salesman I know. He doesn’t take orders from anyone.’

‘I have to tell you, that, in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone mention it.’

Finally, if you know any uncomplicated jokes or stories involving your best man, why not tell them?

3 Telling jokes and stories

There is a fundamental difference in written and spoken humour. To illustrate this let’s consider how a joke can improve in the telling over the bald facts on the printed page.

Use the fact that you are on your feet to your advantage. As you tell a joke or story, wherever possible act it out. For example, suppose you want to tell the guests about a few little problems you encountered when you were the best man, not the bridegroom. You might say:

‘The suit arrived with two days to spare. On trying it on I found the jacket was too tight. I rushed back to (local outfitters) to get it altered only to be told it would take at least a week. The only alternative, they said, was to hunch my shoulders a little and breathe in. I was practising this delicate technical manoeuvre in front of a mirror the next day, but as I took a step forward the seam on one trouser leg split, from top to toe. I was incensed but on ringing (outfitters) I was again told there was no time for repairs, so I should walk with my legs pressed close together to hide the split.

The day of the wedding arrived. Putting on the wretched outfit I placed my best man’s speech in my trouser pocket only for it to fall straight through to the floor. I decided for safety’s sake to keep my hand permanently in my pocket grasping my notes.

Walking the short distance from my house to the church – my shoulders hunched, breathing in, one leg as close to the other as possible and with my hand clasped in my pocket – I was spotted by a couple of elderly wedding guests.

“Just look at that young man over there,” I heard one say, “Isn’t he walking in a strange fashion.”

“Oh yes,” said the other, glancing across at me, “.... but doesn’t his suit fit him well!”’

At each stage during this story – the ill-fitting jacket, the split in the trouser seam, the bottomless pocket – the humour would be greatly enhanced by a few relevant movements, gestures and expressions, culminating in your hilarious impersonation of the man from the Ministry of Silly Walks!

The precise wording and style of delivery of a joke, of course, is yours, not mine. But I hope this example will encourage the novice to look at his material a little more carefully to see what can be extracted over and above the obvious punchline reaction. We’ll return to this topic in Chapter 5 (Paint word pictures).

4 Rehearsing a few ‘ad-lib’ lines

Rod Stewart sang about ‘well rehearsed ad-lib lines’. You must be able to think on your feet, but it’s always useful to know a few humorous lines you could use under the right circumstances.

During a wedding speech, you’re most unlikely to be faced by loudmouth drunks or other nasty punters. And other interruptions, such as boisterous late comers or early leavers, are likely to be minimal. However, these things can happen, and it is best to be prepared for them. So here are some mild lines that could prove useful to counter the kind of problems or distractions you could encounter:

• Your microphone starts playing up: ‘Well, Mike, that’s the end of our double act; I‘m going solo.’
• You fluff a line: ‘Sorry, I’m breaking these teeth in for the dog.’
• You forget a name: ‘I’m so sorry, there are three things I always forget: names, faces and, er,. . . I can’t remember the other.’
• A glass smashes: ‘I’m pleased your having such a smashing time.’
• To anyone leaving: ‘S/He’ll be back in a wee while.’
• To anyone returning: ‘Could you hear us out there? ... we could hear you in here.’
• A catch-all when anything goes wrong: ‘I hope that camcorder is still running. That’s certain to be worth £250.’

I would also counsel restraint; once you have responded to a friendly interruption or made a humorous remark about someone making a call of nature, it is best to get on with your speech and leave any further disruptions to go unnoticed.