The bridegroom’s speech is expected to be middle-of-the-road.

As the bridegroom, you are expected to say a few words on the big day. The problem is we don’t get much practice, do we? That’s why this first chapter gets right back to basics by reminding you, or perhaps telling you for the first time, about the essential requirements of any successful bridegroom’s speech.

What you must do is make a little speech which shows you understand the importance and significance of the occasion whilst at the same time keeping all the guests entertained and amused.

The audience is on your side. They are not a jury. They are willing you to do well. And, quite frankly, they won’t give a damn if you fluff a line or two. What they will mind, though, is if it becomes embarrassingly obvious that you have not even bothered to take the time or effort to find out what is expected of you.

1 Confirming the programme

Traditionally, the bride’s father opens the chatting, playing most of his delivery with a straight bat. He needs to come across as solid, thoughtful and sensible. But he also needs to allow the lighter more humorous side of his personality to shine through.

After the warm up act comes the bridegroom. Your contribution is expected to a little more varied and adventurous. You need to show you understand the importance and significance of the occasion, and to thank a lot of people for a lot of things. And you need to do these things in an entertaining, emotional, yet amusing way.

Finally comes the best man. His speech should contain plenty of humorous asides and friendly little digs at you, but these should all be underpinned with a few congratulatory thoughts and optimistic remarks about your future.

However, this conventional pattern of speeches is becoming somewhat outdated. For example, it assumes that the bride was brought up by two parents – and today over two million people in Britain haven’t been. And things have changed socially and culturally too – girl power and all that. Today far more women than ever literally want to speak for themselves.

So now it’s perfectly acceptable for speeches to be made by other people instead of, or as well as, the traditional big three – perhaps by a close family friend, by the bride’ mother, by the bride and groom jointly, or by the bride herself. It all depends on the particular circumstances, attitudes and backgrounds of the newlyweds.

The speeches usually begin after the guests have finished eating. Their glasses should be charged before anyone speaks. If there is a toastmaster, he will say something like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, pray silence for Mr Ben Nevis who will propose a toast to Mr Sydney and Mrs Pearl Harbour’. If there is no toastmaster, the best man should do the honours, but in a less formal manner: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please be silent as Mr Ben Nevis proposes a toast to Mr Sydney and Mrs Pearl Harbour.’

2 Knowing your purpose

The main purpose of every wedding speech is to propose a toast or to respond to one, or to do both.

• The bride’s father (or close family friend, relative or godfather): proposes a toast to the bride and groom.
• The bridegroom (possibly with the bride): responds to the toast and then proposes a second toast.
• The best man (or best girl): responds to the second toast on behalf of the bridesmaids (and any other attendants).

3 Getting the tone right

This is one of the most important days in your life. Your speech should reflect this. It should be:

• Emotional: You should feel free to display strong personal feelings. Let them see the joy that your bride has brought into your life. However, you must be genuine. False heartiness, cheap sincerity and – worst of all – crocodile tears will all be obvious to an audience.

• Optimistic: This is not the time to share your personal woes, paint a gloomy picture of the present or offer dire predictions about the future. Stress your certainty that you will have a wonderful life together. Yes, there will be problems, but together you will face them head on and will not be found wanting.

• Enlivened with humour: Inject a little humour into your speech. You do not need to be a stand-up comedian, indeed you should not be. But you must allow the humorous side of your personality to shine through. Let’s face it, when the best man starts to speak, you’re going to be the butt of many of his jokes. So take the initiative. Make a preemptive strike. Nothing cruel or unkind though. Just a few friendly put-downs.

4 Remembering the golden rules

This simple ten-point plan will ensure the contents of your speech will be memorable – and for the right reasons!

• Make it clear that you are also speaking on behalf of your new bride – unless she is going to say a few words of her own.
• Thank the bride’s father, or whoever spoke first, for his kind remarks and good wishes, and, if appropriate, for laying on this reception.
• Thank your parent(s) for the help and support you have received over the years.
• Tell everyone that you are the luckiest man in the world.
• Thank everyone for attending – and for their generous presents.
• Have a few friendly digs at your best man.
• Say a few complimentary words about the bridesmaids before proposing a toast to them.
• Learn your opening and closing lines by heart but rehearse the rest of your speech not to be perfect, but to be comfortable. If you feel comfortable, so will the audience.
• Try to wrap your speech up within five minutes. Leave them wanting more.
• Enjoy the moment!