The main purposes of a bridegroom’s speech are to thank everyone who has helped organise the wedding and to show that you understand the importance and significance of the occasion. The best way to do this, without sounding a complete wally in front of your mates, is to be both emotional and humorous. Like the man who slapped a cheerful old lady conducting a seance, your aim is to strike a happy medium.

This chapter provides a miscellany of jokes and humorous stories which can be told as they appear, or can be adapted and personalised to suit the occasion. I will provide you with plenty of material ranging from mild one-liners – to quite saucy stories which sensitive souls may find rather raw.

Only you know how broadminded your wife and the guests are likely to be, so choose your stories and jokes with care. Aim to be amusing, but not too risque. Tell a couple of relevant and entertaining stories, and get a few mild pre-emptive strikes in against your best man before he begins his inevitable character assassination of you.

When it comes to questions of taste and taboos, things continually change. You have to keep up with the times. The important thing to remember is that a wedding is a family occasion. So relax and have a good laugh ... but don’t go over the top!

Another thing to bear in mind is that many of the best stories, jokes and one-liners about love and marriage are quite cynical ... and there is absolutely no place for anything negative or sneering in a wedding speech. A simple way to get round this apparent dilemma is to make it abundantly clear that any cynical views expressed in your jokes most certainly do not apply to you or your new bride, perhaps by reversing the gag, like this:

‘My wife recently joined the string section of the town orchestra. She practises day and night. She’s always harping on about something or other ... Well angels do, don’t they?’

Finally, always apply the Bob Monkhouse Test to potential material (see page 22). Ask yourself:

• 1.Do you think it is funny?
• 2.Can you say it confidently and with comfort?
• 3.Is there any danger of offending anyone?
• 4.Will they understand and appreciate it?

If a story, joke or one-liner passes this test with flying colours, it could well merit a place within your speech. Now for those jokes:

Ladies and Gentlemen, as Henry VIII said to each of his wives in turn, ‘I shall not keep you long.’

A couple go out on a blind date and the boy asks the girl what she wants to do. She says, ‘I want to be weighed.’ He thinks this odd, but to keep her contented, he takes her to a weighing machine. ‘Now what do you want to do?’ he asks. And she says, ‘I want to be weighed.’ So off they go to find another weighing machine. He once again asks, ‘And now what do you what to do?’ and he gets the same reply. Thinking the girl to be totally deranged, he rapidly makes his excuses, takes her back to her student house, and leaves her with no more than a handshake. Her room-mate, Laura, asks her what the date was like, ‘How did it go?’ And the girl replies, ‘Oh Waura, it was wousy!’

Martin has an open mind about things. You can feel the wind from here.

My sister appreciates the simple things in life. She’s going out with Simon.

A newlywed bride was asked what she thought of married life compared to being single. ‘Oh, there’s not much difference,’ she replied. ‘I used to stay up half the night waiting for Jim to go, and now I stay up half the night waiting for him to come home.’

I think the world of Keith. Mind you, look at the state the world’s in.

I think Jerry’s suit looks terrific. I know he won’t mind if I let you into a little secret – he always wears it when he goes to our monthly football social evenings. As he left the church today, his little boy grabbed him by the arm and asked him why he was wearing it when he knew it always gave him such a headache the next morning.

The last time I made a speech a man fell asleep. So I asked a waiter to wake him, and do you know what the cheeky so-and-so replied? He said, ‘You wake him. You were the one who sent him to sleep.’

When Stan dies, his sad demise won’t be listed in the Obituaries Column, it will be recorded under ‘Neighbourhood Improvements’.

A boy goes into a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself and goes into the kitchen to pour a couple of drinks. As the boy stands there alone, he sees an unusual looking pot on the mantelpiece. He walks over and goes to pick it up. At that moment, the girl returns to the room. He asks, ‘What’s this?’ She replies, ‘Oh, it’s my father’s ashes.’ He says, ‘I’m so very sorry ... I didn’t know.’ And the girl says, ‘He’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.’

Thank you for all your wonderful gifts. I can’t tell you how much they mean to us – but I should have a better idea after the honeymoon, once I’ve spoken to the guy in the pawn shop.

I thought about including a couple of double-entendres -you know, gags with double meanings. But then I thought – no I won’t, because Ryan wouldn’t get either of them.

Paul told me he bought his suit for a ridiculous figure ... Looking at him today, I’m afraid I must agree.

After yet another argument, the newlywed bride says, ‘One more word from you and I’m going home to Mother.’ Her husband replies, ‘Taxi!’

Being a romantic sort of girl, Edwina insisted on getting married in her grandmother’s dress today. She looks absolutely fabulous – but her poor old granny is freezing to death.

Next I must thank Faruk for being best man, though I’m not sure how thankful to be because I haven’t heard his speech yet.

About a year ago, I told June that I dreamt I was married to the sexiest, most intelligent woman in the world. And she replied, ‘Were we happy?’

A man tells his mate that he has had a tattoo of a £50 note put on his plonker. ‘Whatever for?’ asks the friend. The man replies, ‘For three reasons. First, I like playing with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow £50, she can stay at home and do it.’

When I first met Louise, she told me I only had two faults – everything I said and everything I did.

This is the first time I have spoken at a wedding, except during other people’s speeches.

A golfer slices his ball into the woods and goes in to find it. There he meets a girl from the adjoining fairway, who is looking for her ball. They start to chat and get on really well. He tells her of his recent good fortune when he became a Lotto millionaire. After a while longer, she says to him, ‘You know, you look like my third husband ... you really could be him.’ ‘Really?’ he responds, ‘How many times have you been married?’ The girl answers, ‘Twice.’

Julie broke off her engagement to Will. I asked her what happened, and she said, ‘I thought it was love at first sight, and it was ... but it was the second and third times I looked that changed my mind.’

I want to refute the vicious rumour that’s been going round here today that we had to get married. That’s a wicked lie. We could have waited another fortnight.

Charlie is rather fond of Lisa. He gave her a box of chocolates on her birthday, saying, ‘Here you are, sweets for the sweet’. ‘Oh, thanks,’ Lisa replied, ‘Have some nuts.’

‘If you’ll make the toast and pour the orange juice, breakfast will be ready,’ announced the newlywed bride. ‘Good. What’s for breakfast?’ asked her husband. His wife replied, ‘Toast and orange juice.’

This marriage will last a lifetime. And, as you know, that’s unusual these days. I know a couple who broke up before their wedding pictures were developed ... and they were using a Polaroid camera.

Like the two acrobats who got married, we’re both head over heels in love!

The last time I made a speech, someone at the back shouted, ‘I can’t hear you!’ And a man sitting next to me yelled back, ‘I’ll change places with you!’

James told me that when he gets married, he’s is going to abandon his rural life and go to live in the city. I asked him why and he said, ‘I’ll be much safer in a city, because they say the country may be going to war.’

I hear Angela doesn’t care for a man’s company. Not unless he owns it.

A newlywed wife says to her husband, ‘Darling, the woman next door has got a coat exactly like mine.’ The husband responds, ‘I suppose that’s a hint you want a new coat?’ And the wife replies, ‘Well, it would be a lot cheaper than moving to a new house.’

We’ve found a great way to settle our arguments; she admits she’s wrong and I admit I’m right.

If your wife is shouting at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up when you let him in.

A newlywed husband asked his wife whether she had sewn a button on his coat. ‘No, darling,’ she replied, ‘I couldn’t find a button. But it’s alright. I sewed up the buttonhole.’

When a young couple return from their honeymoon, the wife runs to the phone to call her mother, who asks, ‘How was the honeymoon, dear?’ ‘Mummy,’ she replies, ‘It was so wonderful and romantic ... but as soon as we returned home, he started using the most disgusting language ... I mean, all those nasty 4-letter words.’ ‘Oh, how awful!’ her mother exclaims, ‘What words did he use?’ The wife replies, ‘Horrible words like DUST, IRON, WASH, COOK ...!’

Steve told me that a gorgeous girl at the bar was getting on his nerves. ‘But she’s not even looking at you,’ I said. He replied, ‘That’s what’s getting on my nerves.’

Alicia’s friends go clubbing on Saturdays, sowing their wild oats. On Sunday mornings you’ll find them praying for a crop failure.

My wife said she didn’t believe in love at first sight. It took her few dates to find the size of my assets.

Jim and Alice had just returned from their honeymoon and were having their first argument. No matter what Jim tried to do or say, Alice refused to compromise or even listen. Jim started to become extremely exasperated, and he said, ‘When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey.’ Alice replied, ‘I know. I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people in the church.’

Sue broke off her engagement to Adam. I asked her what had happened, and she said, ‘My feelings towards him aren’t the same any more.’ ‘Are you giving the ring back?’ I asked. Sue replied, ‘No, my feelings for the ring haven’t changed.’

Martin, the avant-garde painter, got married. A few weeks later, someone asked his wife, ‘Louise, how’s married life?’ ‘It’s great,’ she answered. ‘My husband paints and I cook. Then we try to guess what he’s painted and what I’ve cooked.’

A newlywed bride has a bad hair day. So she treats her scalp with olive oil, before washing it. Worried that the oil would leave an odour, she proceeds to rinse it several times. That night, when they are in bed, she leans over her husband and asks, ‘Do I smell like olive oil?’ He takes a quick sniff, and says, ‘No, dear. Do I smell like Popeye?’

A married couple are invited to a masked Halloween Party. She gets a terrible headache and tells her husband to go to the party alone. She takes an aspirin and goes to bed. He picks up his costume and goes to the party. The wife, after sleeping soundly for an hour, wakes up without any pain and decides to go to the party after all. As her husband has not seen her costume, she decides to have some fun by watching him to see how he acts when she is not with him. She joins the party and soon spots her husband cavorting around the room, dancing, it seems to her, with all the available talent in the room. She thinks she will play him at his own game, so she sidles up to him seductively. It being her husband, she comes on really strong, making various suggestive comments to him, in a disguised voice. Before too long they leave the party and make love in her car. Just before the traditional unmasking at midnight, she slips away, returns home, puts her costume away and goes to bed, wondering what kind of explanation he will make for his behaviour. She is sitting up, reading, when he comes in, and she asks what kind of time he had. ‘Oh, pretty boring,’ he says, ‘It’s never much fun when you‘re not there.’ ‘Did you dance much?’ she asks. ‘Not a single dance,’ he replies. ‘When I got there, I met Bob, Mike and Roy so we went into a bedroom and played cards all night. But you’ll never believe what happened to the randy sod I loaned my costume to ... !’

A boy asked his dad, ‘Did you know that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’ His father replied, ‘Why single out Africa?’

Emma said she will treat me like a pagan god, and I expect she will. Every evening, at dinner time, she’ll probably bring me a burnt offering.

Poor old Richard sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back, saying they weren’t that lonely.

In a recent survey, 70% of women thought their bum was too fat, 20% said their bum was too thin, and the other 10% said they didn’t care... they would have married him anyway.

A husband should forget his mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same things.

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, the young couple decided the only way to save their relationship was to try counselling. The counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. ‘What seems to be the problem?’ he asked. Faced with this direct approach, the husband stared out of the window, and remained silent. On the other hand, the wife began talking at 100 mph, describing all the wrongs in their marriage. After patiently listening to this tirade for over ten minutes, the counsellor eventually stood up, walked across the room, picked up the woman by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and then sat her back down. She was speechless. Returning to his desk, the counsellor said to the disbelieving husband, ‘Your wife needs that at least twice a week!’ The husband scratched his head and replied, ‘I can get her here every Monday and Wednesday.’

The smallest things seem to upset Jane. The other day she was doing a crossword puzzle and she asked me, ‘What is a female sheep?’ I said, ‘Ewe,’ and she burst into tears.

I’m so looking forward to coming home from work, opening a beer, sitting on the sofa and spending the evening watching Paula’s favourite television programmes.

A husband and wife are at a dinner party, talking to some friends, when the subject of marriage counselling crops up. ‘Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship’, the wife explains, ‘He’s a communications consultant and I’m an actress. He talks really well to me, and I pretend to listen.’

Len’s the kind of lad girls dream about. That’s much better for them than seeing him in broad daylight.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the vicar with an unusual offer. ‘Look,’ he says, ‘I’ll give you £100 if you change my wedding vows. It’s easy money for you.

Just leave out the promise to love, honour and obey bit.’ He gives the vicar £100 and walks away feeling very pleased with himself. On the wedding day, when the vows are exchanged, the vicar looks at the groom and says,’ Do you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her with breakfast in bed every morning and agree not to even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?’ The groom gulps, looks around in disbelief and horror, and says in a tiny voice, ‘I do.’ At the end of the service the groom approaches the vicar and says, ‘I thought we had a deal.’ The vicar places the £100 back in his hand and says, ‘She made me a better offer.’

The first morning after their honeymoon, the husband gets up early, goes down to the kitchen, and brings his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she is delighted. ‘Have you noticed how lightly I have fried the egg and how crisply I have made the bacon?’ he asks. ‘Of course, dear,’ she replies. ‘That’s good,’ he says, ‘because that’s how I want my breakfast served every morning.’

A friend tells Joe that he got a set of golf clubs for his girlfriend, and Joe replies that he wishes he could make trade like that.

A man tells his friend, ‘I married Miss Right – but I didn’t know her first name was “Always.”’

May our only ups and downs be between the sheets.

Stan was chatting up this girl in the park, and he said, ‘Will you come out for a meal with me tonight?’ ‘Oh no,’ she replied, ‘I never go out with perfect strangers.’ And Stan replied, ‘Who says I’m perfect?’

My best man could marry anyone he pleases. Problem is, he can’t seem to please anyone.

In Bristol, people learn about life at a young age. Two five-year-olds were playing in the street when they saw a school friend peering through the window of a house. ‘Quick. Come and see!’ said the friend, ‘There’s a man fighting with a woman in bed.’ One of the boys looked in, and said, ‘They‘re not fighting, they‘re making love.’ The third little boy took a quick glance, and said, ‘Yes ... and badly.’

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them,’ ‘We’ve developed a new machine which you might like to try. It will take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father.’ The doctor warned the man that he might find the pain unbearable, but they agreed to use the machine and set it at 10% to begin with. The man was surprised at how little pain he was experiencing and asked the doctor to raise it. So it went up to 20%. As he felt so unaffected he asked for it to go up to 50%, and finally 100%. ‘Childbirth is easy,’ the man thought to himself. After the baby was born, the man, woman and new baby all went home – only to hear that their postman had mysteriously died.

One night a newly married couple are watching television, when the wife decides to make herself a snack. As she approaches the kitchen, she sees a stranger eating some of her home-made cake. Quietly, she returns to the living room. She whispers to her husband, ‘There’s a burglar in the house, and he’s eating my cake.’ The husband replies, ‘So should I call the police or an ambulance?’

‘What do you love most about me?’ a husband asks his wife. ‘Is it my good looks or my superior intellect?’ His wife replies, ‘What I love about you most is your enormous sense of humour.’

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor’s surgery. After his check-up, the doctor calls the woman into his office alone. He says, ‘Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, give him a healthy breakfast, be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch and dinner, make him a nutritious meal and don’t discuss your problems with him because that would only make his stress worse. Most importantly of all,’ the doctor continues, ‘make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next six months, I think your husband will regain his health completely.’ On the way home, the husband asks his wife, ‘What did the doctor say?’ And she replies, ‘You’re going to die.’

I asked Eleanor’s father if I could marry her, and he said, ‘Just leave your name and phone number and we’ll be in contact if nothing better comes up.’

On their first wedding anniversary, a husband says, ‘Let’s go out tonight and have some fun.’ His wife replies, ‘Great idea! But if you get back before I do, please leave the light on.’

They say marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things you hadn’t expected.

Sally says we’re to be equal partners in our marriage ... and I’m to be the silent one.

A woman tells her friend, ‘My husband has developed a strange sexual practice recently. He insists on throwing me on the table and making love to me after we’ve finished eating.’ ‘That’s not so strange,’ her friend says. ‘Oh, no?’ replies the woman. ‘Try explaining that to the manager of our local McDonalds.’

After a few months of marriage, a husband says, ‘Trustfully, dear, you‘re too cold in bed. You don’t do anything, you just lie there. Why don’t you moan and groan passionately?’ That night, as they are making love, she decides to heed his words of advice and begins to moan and groan with feeling. ‘Oh, Martin, darling,’ she begins, ‘I had the most horrible day. The washing machine broke down, the rent man called, I burnt the cakes ... !’

I told Amy that since we’d met I hadn’t been able to eat or drink. She asked, ‘Is that because you love me so much?’ ‘No,’ I replied, ‘It’s because I’m broke.’

A woman says to her husband, ‘There’s trouble with the car. It’s got water in the carburettor.’ ‘Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous,’ he exclaims. But the woman insists, ‘I tell you, there’s water in the carburettor.’ ‘Darling,’ he says, ‘You don’t even know what a carburettor is. Where’s the car?’ And the woman replies, ‘In the river.’

We first met in a revolving door five years ago. And we’ve been going round together ever since.

A woman asks her friend, ‘Is your husband a bookworm?’ ‘No, just a worm,’ comes the reply.

A newlywed wife proudly announces to her husband, ‘I made this pudding all by myself.’ Her husband replies, ‘Well done! But who helped you lift it out of the oven?’

A man places this ad in the local newspaper: For sale-Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. £200 or nearest offer. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows everything.

I said to Mr Phillips, ‘I would like to have your daughter for my wife.’ And he replied, ‘Why, what would your wife want her for?’

Tim’s looking for a wife. Trouble is, he can’t find a woman who loves him as much as he loves himself.

A man has a terrible accident at work and his dangley bit gets horribly mangled in a machine. He is rushed to hospital, where the doctor reassures him that modern medicine makes it possible for his appendage to be rebuilt, but this can only be done privately. The doctor tells him there are three choices: a small one can be built for £2000, a medium one for £4000, or a large one for £6000. The doctor suggests that since the decision affects both the man and his wife, he should discuss it with her privately before making the final decision. The doctor leaves the A&E department and, while he is gone, the man phones his wife to explain the options available. The doctor returns and finds the man looking very depressed. ‘Were you and your wife able to reach a decision?’ the doctor asks. ‘Yes,’ says the man, ‘after carefully examining all the options, my wife decided that she would rather have a new fitted kitchen.’

Before we got engaged, I asked Anne, ‘If we get married, do you think you’ll be able to live on my income?’ Anne replied, ‘Of course, dear. But what will you live on?’

Mrs Brown and her little daughter Emily are outside the church, watching all the comings and goings at a wedding. After all the photographs have been taken and everyone has driven off to the reception, Emily asks her mother, ‘Mummy, why did the bride change her mind?’ ‘What do you mean, change her mind? her mum replies. ‘Well,’ says Emily, ‘she went in with one man and came out with another.’

A newly married bride says to her husband, ‘Darling, don’t expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find a good take-away.’

As the train stood at the station, a man asks the guard, ‘Do I have time to say goodbye to my wife?’ ‘That depends, sir,’ replies the guard, ‘How long have you been married?’

A young Italian girl finally marries her beau. They do not have enough lira for a honeymoon away, so the mother of the bride lets them stay at her home. The young bride, a virgin, is very nervous about spending her first night with her husband. When the time comes, he takes off his shirt, revealing a hairy chest. The young bride gasps and runs down to her mother. She cries, ‘Momma! He has hair all over his chest!’ Her mother looks up at her and says, ‘Don’t worry, my daughter, all good Italian men have hairy chests. Run back upstairs and take good care of him.’ The bride goes back to the room, as her husband is taking off his trousers, revealing his hairy legs. She runs to her mother and cries, ‘Momma! He has hairy legs!’ The mother looks up at her daughter and says, ‘Don’t worry, my daughter, all good Italian men have hairy legs. Run back upstairs and take good care of him.’ The bride goes back to the room, as her husband is taking off his socks. One foot is perfectly formed but half of the other one is missing. She runs back to her mother and screams, ‘Momma! He has a foot and a half!’ The mother looks up at her daughter, pushes her out of the way, and says, ‘Stay here, my daughter, this is a job for Momma!’

A husband-to-be is telling all his friends he is going to marry the most faithful, trustworthy and loyal girl in the world, when his prospective brother-in-law interrupts him, saying, ‘What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged to my little sister!’

A man says to his friend, ‘I was hypnotised last week.’ The friend asks, ‘What does hypnotised mean?’ The man replies, ‘Why to hypnotise is to get a man in your power, and make him do whatever you want.’ The friend says, ‘that’s not hypnotism, ‘That’s marriage.’

George does an eight hour working day, and he makes sure he gets eight hours sleep. Problem is, they‘re always the same eight hours.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over that evening to have dinner with her parents. She tells him that, after the meal her parents will be going out to a show, so the young couple will be alone. Thinking his luck may be in, the boy goes to the chemist to buy a pack-of-three. He is rather nervous about making his purchase, but the chemist is very understanding and eventually the boy leaves the shop with his condoms. That evening, the boy turns up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents,’ she says, ‘Come on in!’ The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy immediately offers to say grace and bows his head. Time passes and the boy continues to look to the floor. Finally, the girl leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were so religious.’ To which her boyfriend responds, ‘And I had no idea your father was a chemist!’

A newlywed wife asks her husband, ‘Will you love me when I’m old, fat and ugly?’ Her husband replies, ‘Of course I do!’

Roy’s ambition is to marry a rich girl who is too proud to let her husband work.

A month or so after their wedding, Tina says to her mother, ‘Mum, we had a dreadful fight last night!’ Her mum replies, ‘Don’t worry, dear. Every marriage must have it’s first fight.’ ‘I know! I know!’ says Tina, ‘But what shall I do with the body?’

After a couple had been married for about a year, the wife dislocates her jaw. The husband calls the doctor and says, ‘Doctor, I’m phoning on behalf of my wife because she’s had an accident and can’t speak. Can she make an appointment to see you ... in about three or four months time?’

I told Lucy, ‘Now we’re married, I want you to stick to your washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning and shopping ... No wife of mine is going to work!’

A newlywed husband is acting as an usher during the Sunday morning service at the Church of St Jude. His bride is in the congregation. Becoming terribly worried about having left the roast in the oven, she writes a note to her husband, sending it to him via another usher. This second usher, thinking it is a note for the vicar, hurries down the aisle and lays it on the pulpit. Stopping abruptly in the middle of his sermon to read the note, the astonished vicar is met with this written instruction: ‘Please go home immediately and turn off the gas.’

Problems in marriage frequently arise because a man too often shows his worse side to his better half.

I’m told a man really knows he’s married when his wife puts one dent in his bank account and another in his car.

An engaged man asks his friend how he could find out whether his bride-to-be really is totally sexually Inexperienced, as she claims to be. And his mate replies, ‘All you need is some red paint, some blue paint, and a spade. Paint one ball red and one ball blue. Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, “Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen”, you hit her with the spade.’

A woman says to her friend, ‘I hear you’ve got a new dishwasher.’ And her friend replies, ‘Yes, I got married again.’

At bedtime, an amorous husband prepares two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife. ‘What’s that for?’ she asks. ‘For your headache, dear,’ he replies. ‘But I don’t have a headache,’ she insists. Then tonight’s the night!’ he exclaims.

When Mr and Mrs Henry Ford celebrated their golden wedding anniversary, a reporter asked Henry, ‘To what do you attribute your fifty years of successful married life?’ ‘The formula,’ he replied, ‘Is the same formula I have always used in making cars–just stick to one model.’

A newlywed couple are spending their honeymoon in an isolated log cabin in the Scottish Highlands. They had registered with the cabin’s owner, an elderly farmer, a week earlier and had not been seen since. Becoming increasingly concerned about their well-being, the old man decides to go and see if they are alright. He knocks on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answers, ‘Yes, we’re fine. We’re living off the fruits of love.’ And the old chap says, ‘I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out of the window. They‘re choking my ducks.’

A young man gets on his knees and says, ‘I’m not rich like Russell, and I don’t have a country estate like James or a Porche like Billy... but I love you and want to marry you.’ And the girl replies, ‘I love you too, but what did you say about James?’

A newlywed bride proudly announces to her friend, ‘I cooked my first meal last night... and it was a great success.’ ‘I’m so pleased,’ her friend replies. And the newlywed continues, ‘Yes, my husband says we’re going out for meals every night from now on.’

Dave is loudly lamenting to everyone in the pub that his doctor has ordered him to give up half of his sex life. ‘Which half are you going to give up?’ asks a bored listener, ‘Talking about it or thinking about it?’

Bob’s clothes never go out of style. They look just as old-fashioned every year.

A salesman is trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life assurance policy on her husband. ‘Just imagine, if your husband were to die,’ he says, ‘What would you get?’ ‘Oh, a King Charles spaniel, I think,’ she replies. ‘They’re so well-behaved.’

Maybe you’ve heard about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Just imagine, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I’ve been told that no matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Phil just gave me this excellent piece of advice ...he said, Dave, whenever you have a discussion with your new wife, always remember to get the last two words in: ‘Yes, dear!’