Moving in with a parent and children means that a new family dynamic is set up.  This can be unfamiliar and daunting, but if handled with care, it can be really rewarding for everyone involved.

For a re-formed family to function well and happily, the couple must manage the situation in a pro-active way.  Good step parents are not born - they are made through hard work, patience, listening and understanding.

Key Points

1. The children, if they are old enough to understand, will be at least as anxious as you are about how you'll all get on.
2. They may fear that, in some way, they will now 'lose' this one parent, as in some ways they have already lost the other.
3. If they don't know you too well, the children may work hard to disrupt your relationship with their parent.  This should be expected, and doesn't mean they dislike you.  They will be trying to protect their precious bond with their natural parent against a perceived threat.
4. Don't expect or demand complete and rapid acceptance.  It rarely happens except with the very young, but you should be able to get a long way towards it if you handle things sensitively.
5. Most importantly, perhaps - give it time.

Translating Into Action

Avoid rushing it

There should not be a sudden transition from hardly knowing the children to becoming a part of their family.  It's best to meet the children briefly a few times first, then for gradually longer sessions.  Avoid them finding you've stayed overnight until the relationship is on a firm footing.

Remember that, as far as the children are concerned, things were fine before you came on the scene.  But if they can get to know you, and to feel positive towards you before things appear serious, this will make it a much happier situation eventually.

Resist overcompensating

Don't swamp the children with attention, and resist the temptation to ply them with gifts to win their favour.  They'll take them, but will probably guess what you're up to.  If they are really resentful, they'll break them or throw them away.  If this happens, it's best to let it go.

The natural parent, though, could increase attention for the children, and should make it clear that his/her love for them remains unchanged, and always will.

Keep a united front

Always discuss with the natural parent how to work together.  A united front can reassure children, and prevents them from playing one off against the other, or trying to split the two of you apart. 

Encourage contact

Try to ensure that the children spend quality time with their absent natural parent.  You could go out for a while, or the parent could take them out.  Be sure not to show any resentment, or to question them closely about it, but approve wholeheartely and be willing to listen to anything they might share.

Moderate your involvement

Show a friendly interest in what they're doing.  Ask about their school work and interests - though at first they may tell you very little.  Help with homework if they ask, but don't insist on helping or checking.  

What's in a name?

Finally, a small but important point: children may secretly harbour a fear that they'll have to change their surname.  Reassure them that this won't happen - unless they decide later to do so.

Forming a cohesive new family is always going to involve hard work and patience.  There may be hitches, disappointments, and even anger, but never give up.  Try to notice day-to-day successes in relationships, however small.  Eventually your newly-formed family group will learn to get along nicely, and you will have become a successful step parent.

This content was provided by one of our users, jacpye