Finding a Captivating Opening and Compelling Close

Think of your speech as a gourmet meal. Your opening lines should serve up a tasty little starter that really whets the audience’s appetite for the main course. Your closing words should provide a delectable and memorable dessert with a delicious aftertaste.

There is no such thing as the best opening lines or the best closing lines for a speech, because every speech – and every speaker – is differ ent. In this chapter you will learn a number of techniques that can be used to open and close a speech. They are all tried and tested, so you don’t need to worry about choosing a dud. Study the options and decide what would work best for your speech – and for you.

There are dozens of ways to put over a great opening line or to deliver an emotionally charged big finish. It’s just a matter of finding the pat tern of words that suits your style and has exactly the effect you are after. Work on your lines until you’ve got them spot on. Then memorise them. You must know precisely how you arc going to open and close your speech. There is absolutely no room for any ad-libbing here.

GRABBING AN AUDIENCE’S ATTENTION

It is vital to have an opening line that really grabs your audience’s attention. Entertainers call this having a hook. These are four of the best:

- hooking with humour
- hooking with a quotation
- hooking with anniversaries
- hooking with brackets.

The bride’s father can begin his speech directly with one of these hooks, but the bridegroom and best man (and any other speakers) must remem ber to thank the previous speaker immediately before or soon after hooking their audience. However, to avoid repetition, I have included such thanks only with the first hook.

HOOKING WITH HUMOUR

Opening with a short and relevant joke or anecdote will help to relax you and get the audience laughing and even more on your side than they are already. Here are some possibilities:

Ladies and Gentlemen (thank you, Jim, for those kind words . . . ), as Henry VIII said to each of his wives in turn, ‘I shall not keep you long’.

Ladies and Gentlemen – the ladies is over there [pointing], and the gents is over there [pointing].

Ladies and Gentlemen, I must admit that I have made a very simi lar speech to this before. Once to the patients in Broadmoor, once to Aberdeen Naturalists’ Group, and once to Penzance Haemorrhoid Sufferers Society – a stand-up buffet. So to those of you who have heard this speech three times already, I apologise.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Clive just asked me, ‘Would you like to speak now, or should we let our guests enjoy themselves a little longer?’

Ladies and Gentlemen, the last time I made a wedding speech some one at the rear shouted, ‘I can’t hear you!’ – and a man sitting next to me yelled back, ‘I’ll change places with you!’

Ladies and Gentlemen, the last time I made a wedding speech a man fell asleep. I asked a pageboy to wake him, and do you know what the little horror replied? He said, ‘You wake him. You were the one who put him to sleep.’

Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start speaking I have something to say.

Ladies and Gentlemen. I feel like the young Arab Sheik who inherited his father’s harem. I know exactly what to do, but where on earth do I begin?

Ladies and Gentlemen – well Brian did ask me to begin with a gag.

Ladies and Gentlemen – who says flattery doesn’t pay?

Ladies and Gentlemen, what can I say about Stephen that hasn’t already been said in open court?

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first time I’ve spoken at a wedding – except during other people’s speeches.

Ladies and Gentlemen, since we must speak well of the dead, our only chance to knock them is while they’re alive. So here goes . . .

Ladies and Gentlemen, my dad taught me always to remember the ABC and the XYZ of speechmaking. ABC: Always be concise. XYZ: Examine your zip [look down].

Ladies and Gentlemen, first the good news: when I saw Patrick’s new suit/shirt/tie this morning I was absolutely speechless . . . Now the bad news: I’ve almost recovered from the shock, and the speech must go on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mary is the best daughter in the world – she’s beautiful, charming, intelligent and, well, perfect in every way. She does everything for me – she even wrote this speech.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is only the second time I’ve ever been a best man. I hope I did the job alright last time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they’re not actually talking to each other . . . but I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with me. Apparently Paula knew Piers had slept with her younger sister before I mentioned it in my speech. The fact that he slept with her mother came as a surprise. (Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral). (If you use or adapt this opening, don’t refer to a couple you really know!)

Ladies and Gentlemen, that speech put me in mind of a steer’s horns. There was a sharp point here and a solid point there . . . but there was an awful lot of bull in between.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sure you’ll agree that you’ll remember Nick’s speech for the rest of your life. If you have a phenomenal memory . . . and have absolutely nothing else to think about . . . and you meet with a fatal accident on your way home.

Good ladies, afternoon and gentlemen . . . I knew I should have rehearsed this speech. Ladies and Gentlemen, I won’t take long. This suit has to be back in twenty minutes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I feel this irresistible urge to prove it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, just once in a lifetime you get the opportunity to talk about a man blessed with dynamic charisma, devastating wit, stupendous talent and unstoppable personality . . . but until the day comes along, I shall talk about Mark.

[After a formal introduction by a toastmaster] Ladies and Gentlemen, did he say pray for the silence of John Smith?

[After being called upon to give an impromptu speech] Ladies and Gentlemen, I am totally unprepared for this, but, as Big Ben said to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, ‘I’ve got the time if you’ve got the inclination’.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I . . . (not a particularly funny hook but a very useful one for a bridegroom because it is guaranteed to raise howls of laughter, cheers and applause).

HOOKING WITH A QUOTATION

Here you simply begin your wedding speech with a short and relevant quotation. You will find plenty of these listed throughout Chapter 3. It is far safer to use a serious quote rather than a cynical one. Begin with something like this:

Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Love is a great force in life, it is indeed the greatest of all things.’ So said E.M. Forster, and E.M. knew what he was talking about . . .

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been said that ‘marriages are made in heaven’. Well, I can tell you, this marriage was made in my sitting room . . .

Sometimes a quotation associated with the bride’s or bridegroom’s occu pation can be adapted to make an excellent and original opening. For example, here are a couple of adaptations suitable for members of the armed services:

Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Some talk of Alexander, and some of Hercules, of Hector and Lysander and such great namesas these.’ But I would rather talk about Captain and Mrs Mainwaring.

Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘When he was a lad he served a term. As an office boy to an Attorney’s firm. He cleaned the windows and he swept the floor. And he polished up the handle of the big front door. He polished up that handle so carefullee. That now he’s the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee’ – well, almost, anyway.

HOOKING WITH ANNIVERSARIES

Another wonderful way of grabbing an audience is to tell them that today is a truly historic day, not only because of the recent marriage but also because of other things that happened on this day in years gone by. It is best to mention two things as well as the marriage – probably a famous person’s birth and some other memorable event.

As always, use your own words, but this is the sort of thing you should say:

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a truly historic day! This day, the 18th of June, will always be remembered because of three earth-shattering events. Napoleon finally met his Waterloo at Waterloo in 1815, pop superstar Paul McCartney had his first day on earth in 1942, and on this day in 200X, Angus married Laura!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a day heavy with significance! This very day, the 1st of May, will always be associated with three of the most memorable events of the last hundred years. New York’s Empire State Building opened in 1931, the Absolutely Fabulous Joanna Lumley was born in 1946, and on this day in 200X, Bernard married Lydia!

Get the idea? Below is a list of some famous blasts from the past. Simply look up the date of the wedding and you’ll find an event and birth that also occurred on that day in years gone by. If they don’t seem quite right for your speech, take a look at one or two of the specialist anniversary books listed on page 211.