A SUBSTITUTE DAD

It is probable that at some point in the future (if it has not happened already) your ex-partner will find someone new, and he will move in and have a relationship not only with her, but also with your children. It may be that this new man has children of his own to add to the household, or indeed is himself a divorced dad. The relationship that you will have with this man can range from a mutual respect and understanding, to aggression and profound hatred.

Naturally you will be concerned as to the impact that this man will have, and you will ask yourself a whole range of questions:

• Is he a paedophile?
• Does he deal in drugs?
• Is he from a weird religion?
• Does he support the right football team?

It is quite normal to have some concerns as to whether this man will be good for your children, and what your children will think of him. What will his attitude to you be? And what about your attitude to him? What will the kids call him? Many questions are raised when another adult starts to spend time with your children.

His background

Under UK law, you do not have the right to find out whether another individual has a criminal record. As a result of recent child murders there have been many calls to open up the records of known paedophiles so that the public would know who they were, and if their children were at risk. Children are in danger and the public still can’t find out what they are facing in their communities; you have no chance of accessing any official information about a man who moves in with your kids.

So whatever your concerns, you have no way of finding out what kind of bloke he is, other than talking to him, or to others who know him. Unless you have loads of money, in which case you can always get a private detective to run a report for you!

If your relationship with your ex-partner is OK, then clearly you can talk to her. But be aware that you are likely to get a rose-tinted picture of him.

His attitude to you

There are at least three factors that will heavily influence this. Firstly, the picture your ex-partner has painted about you, as he will have discussed you in depth with your ex prior to having any contact. Secondly, how aware he is of his role and responsibilities to your children, and thirdly whether he has had any experience of this type of situation before.

If your ex-partner has painted a picture that you are a reasonable man, then he will be open to discussion. However, if her description of you is somewhat closer to Attila the Hun then you can expect that to influence his perception of you pretty negatively.

This new bloke’s position with your ex-partner has given him new responsibilities, which he may handle poorly, or with great skill. What you need to realise is that this new man may not be intelligent enough to realise what his actions should be, and what long-term impact they will have on your kids. If he is bit dense then one thing is for sure, if you have already been aligned with Attila the Hun, he is not going to take advice from you.

If he has been there before – has already had a relationship with another woman who had kids at home – this will influence his judgement, and his prior experiences will affect his actions. He will inadvertently bring some emotional baggage from his previous encounters with him.

The least that you should expect from him as far as his attitude to you is that he:

• respects your relationship with your children;
• respects your role in your children’s life;
• does not seek to take over your position as dad to your children.

These three things are the subjects that you need to discuss with him and your ex-partner.

Your attitude to him

Your attitude to him may be clouded by your attitude to your ex. If you hate her for kicking you out of the home, forcing you to spend only a little time with the kids, and grabbing every penny that you have, then another bloke spending time and having an influence on your kids may send you into a seething rage.

Especially if this is within a couple of weeks – or less – of the separation. Your anger is real. But if you direct it at this new bloke for no reason then you are acting irrationally; you must at least give the bloke a chance at the start.

You may feel a great deal of emotional pain if you think that this man is spending more time than you with your children. You may even resent him because he represents the lack of control you now have over your children’s lives. But you have to respect the right that he has to have a relationship with your ex-partner (as long as he does not harm your kids). He will also, because he is there, have a relationship with your kids.

There is nothing that you need be afraid of, because you have the power to deal with this situation – mental strength, not brute force. You also have your children on your side. They don’t forget who their real parents are, and their loyalty (providing it is not abused) is always there, so you don’t need to worry that you will be replaced in the long-term. From their perspective, you will always be their real dad.

What will the children call him?

Probably the biggest sin that your ex-partner can commit is encouraging your children to call another man dad. They do it, against your wishes, when they are still in conflict with you. It is their attempt to undermine the strong relationship that you have with your children; it can be done out of pure spite and malice and with no regard to the needs of your child.

It can also be done simply because your ex-partner wants to make the new bloke feel more comfortable about spending time and energy with your kids. Again, this is normally motivated by your ex’s need to comfort her new man, rather than driven by the needs of the child.

If you have an active and positive relationship with your kids then your ex-partner has no right to try to usurp your position, by substituting you with another dad. But that won’t stop her doing so.

There are other terms, such as ‘biological parent’ and ‘real dad’, which are trendy but not necessarily helpful. If you only ever wanted to be a biological parent, then you should be happy to take that title. But if, as in the vast majority of cases, you became a dad because you wanted to be a great parent and raise your children, and providing you have stuck to that task to the best of your ability, then you have the moral right to be the only man in that child’s life with the title of dad.

The best way for your children to address your ex-partner’s new man is quite simply by his first name. You will find that if he understands his responsibilities in his relationship with your child, and he fully respects your position, then he will have no issues with this. However, if he does not understand them well, then he will take a different course. Here you are snookered, because clearly you have no control over how intelligent or aware the new bloke actually is, and if he does not respect your position then the last person on earth he will take any advice from is you.

Your children’s attitude to him

Again, there are several things that will influence this and it is very much age related. Younger children, naturally, seek to please their mum and any adults around them, whilst older children may resent him for replacing you. Secretly they may still want you and your ex to get back together so will be hostile to the new partner. If they are teenagers, their attitude may well be, ‘You’re not my dad so stop telling me to be quiet in my house. Why don’t you just p*** off?’

Another factor which will influence their attitude is timing. If the new partner turns up at the door just as you have left, then older children are far more likely to be hostile than if they have had time to get used to the fact that you are not there. Younger children are likely to be confused about the role of the new partner, and unfortunately it is difficult to explain to a five year old what is really going on.

You may want to agree with your child’s hostile feelings, but however strong the inclination is, you should avoid it.

This is the time where you need to take the moral high ground – it is always best to promote good relations between your children and new partners, but if you feel unable to do this, then at least don’t promote hostility. That would be like teaching them that is OK to fight, to rebel, which may come back to haunt you one day. It is better to teach them to be nice than horrible.

Saying something like, ‘I know you don’t like him, and I’m not sure myself, but it is your mother’s choice not yours or mine to make. Anyway you can always move out in a few years’ time if you don’t like it,’ doesn’t help. It may also plant an idea in the child’s mind that might be difficult for you to live up to.

Dealing with the new man

The best possible position is one where the adults all respect each other’s relationships, are aware of everyone’s needs, and think of the children’s needs before their own. That would be a perfect world! But we don’t live in utopia, nor do we live in a world where people respect everyone else’s rights. John Lennon sang about that in his song ‘Imagine’, but even though he was a divorced dad, he did not have to deal with your ex-partner!

So what can you do?

Your emotional state at this stage might be very fragile, and the last thing that you want to do is to have an adult conversation with a bloke that does not respect you, especially now that he has usurped your position in your old house. It’s not a nice fact but you just have to face it. You have to remember that you are now separated, and it is the future that is of primary importance.

You are expected to interact with this person normally, and whilst this might be the last thing on earth that you want to do, you must manage this. It is likely to be a monumental task, maybe even a tortuous process. But if you can pull it off your children will benefit, and so will you.

If you act in an aggressive or argumentative manner then the reaction of your ex-partner will be to shut you out. This may affect the access you get to your children. Remember that your ex wants her new man to settle in as quietly as possible – so perhaps you can use this to your advantage, as a negotiating point with her.