ABSENT DADS

Not all dads remain in contact with their children. Quite a significant number don’t. We know that up to 40 per cent of children lose contact with the non-resident parent within two years of separation, but it is not clear if this statistic includes those men who never started a relationship with their kids – who for some reason were not involved from birth – so it is likely that this figure is a bit higher.

Looking at the overall statistics is a meaningless exercise, because each individual case represents a child who will grow up without one of the two most important people in their lives, and each individual case has its own story. Looking at the overall problem removes the personal pain that many children will feel growing up not knowing, or not involved with, their dad.

The other reason why it is not helpful to concentrate on statistics is that they do not tell us the reasons for the dads’ absence. They are fathers who don’t stay in contact with their children, but we don’t know when it is voluntary and when it is forced.

• Is a father who does not see his children because mum won’t let him an absent father?
• Is a man who does not know that he is the father of the children an absent father?
• Is a man who lives away from his children an absent father?
• How much contact with his children does a man need to have a year not to be an absent father? For example, if he only sees his kids at school holidays, but is absent for the rest of the time.
• Is a man who pays child maintenance but who does not wish to get involved in his children’s upbringing classed as an absent father?

Absent dads fall into two categories. Firstly, those who do not wish to be involved in the lives of their children, and secondly those who, for a multitude of reasons, cannot do so. Absent dads are given a bad press which is not always justified. Recent discussions at the CSA about further penalties for absent dads revealed that it is not men who are the biggest non-payers in the absent parent stakes.

In fact the CSA’s own research has revealed that ‘a marginally higher proportion of women than men refuse to pay child maintenance’ (The Guardian 10 April 2006).

The CSA’s report goes on to reveal that 70 per cent of all absent parents pay some form of child maintenance. This shows that the majority of dads take some form of responsibility for the financial burden of their children even if they don’t take an active part in their upbringing.

Other countries (such as Australia) have recognised the long-term emotional damage that the problem of absent parents has on kids, and have put laws in place that enforce both financial and contact arrangements. But here in the UK no such laws exist, although the CSA are being given increasing powers to track down and enforce financial responsibilities on absent parents. However there is currently no intention for any legislation to force absent parents to see their kids, and to develop a relationship (albeit minimal) with them.

There is another side to all this. Dads who don’t get involved enough in their kids’ lives. Dads who voluntarily only see their children when it is convenient to them and do not consider what is best for their children. Dads who are not ‘absent’ as such, but take a very peripheral role in their children’s development. It is not only the kids who probably want to see more of their fathers –the DfCA study revealed that 30 per cent of mums want the dads to take a more active role and see their kids more often. It is not always the dad who is asking if he can see the kids more often.