CONTACT ABUSE

Misery, misery, misery ... is the inevitable consequence of what happens when the mum stops the dad from seeing the kids as per the agreed contact/access times. It is absolute misery for all the parties involved: misery for the child, misery for the dad, and the most miserable part about it is that it happens as much as it does.

A huge number of divorced dads report that at some point their contact with their children has been abused by the resident parent. A visit to a meeting of the Families Need Fathers support group in your local area will provide you with as much evidence as you need to tell you that this problem is widespread and leads to more hostility between parents than any other subject. A visit to a meeting of Fathers4Justice showed how angry divorced dads are about the lack of protection that the law gives them in this area, and how little the current legal set-up recognises this as a real social problem.

Contact abuse comes in two forms. Firstly, when the resident parent stops contact altogether, and secondly when the mum frustrates contact on occasions. Both forms of abuse can be equally frustrating for a divorced dad who seeks to develop and maintain a relationship with his kids.

On the day

Stories of dads turning up on the doorstep of the mother’s house to discover that nobody is in, or the door is not answered, are commonplace. Phone calls telling the dad he can’t have the children as per the court order are a polite way of breaching the order. Some mothers even get their solicitors to write to the father telling him that he cannot see the kids at such-and-such a time. In the worst cases scenarios the resident parent doesn’t allow any form of contact – even though this is contrary to what may have already been set out by a judge in a contact order. Each mum will justify their actions on some grounds and seriously believe that they are acting in the best interests of the kids. Even their solicitors will back them and agree to the breach.

The problem is compounded by the fact that the courts or police will not come to the father’s aid and enforce any order for his ex-partner to hand over the kids. Under UK law there is no course of action that can take place on the day if the mum abuses her position and refuses to hand over the children. The police will not come out and help you, treating the matter as a civil rather than criminal breach and therefore not their domain. In fact, the situation is likely to be turned against the father if the police see him as creating a disturbance. If he kicks off at all he may well be arrested for a breach of the peace, or worse.

Some dads really feel angry – really angry. They allow their emotions to get the better of them, lashing out at property, or worse at their child’s mother, as they feel so helpless. This is likely to have several consequences.

Firstly, the ex will see this as justification of her act, and is likely to refuse further access to the kids. Secondly, the children themselves will be negatively affected by such actions, maybe even start to be fearful of their dad and scared for their mum – with whom they feel a natural bond. Thirdly, when you finally get back to court and the CAFCASS officer investigates your case, they may report that you are a violent man who scares the kids, and recommend that your access rights be severely limited again. CAFCASS will see the fact that your ex-partner has breached the court order in the first place as almost irrelevant.

Don’t expect justice and equal treatment from the courts, its officers or the police, because you will not get it. If your ex-partner abuses your rights of access and does not allow you contact with the children then, on the day, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

If contact is breached by mum on the day, never create an incident at the family residence, and never give her a reason to go to court and persuade a judge that your contact should be limited, or even stopped.

• Write a letter to your ex-partner telling her that you have made a record of the breach and will go to court if contact is not permitted.
• Keep a diary of all instances where access has been abused.
• If the kids are old enough to have separate communication, ring or email them letting them know that you are available when they wish to see you.
• Get rid of your anger by some means other than violent behaviour.
• Don’t plot twenty ways to kill your ex.
• If your ex-partner consistently abuses your contact, learn to understand why and seek to address the real issue.
• Ask your ex-partner if she wishes to go to mediation to resolve the issues (do so in writing) rather than avoid a lengthy and costly court process.
• If you can have a conversation with your ex-partner, ask her if she is prepared to give you an alternative, and see if you can work around it.

Understanding your ex-partner’s real intentions

If your ex-partner is abusing your contact, the first thing that you should do is to stop yourself and ask, why is she not allowing you a fair degree of contact with your child?

You need to understand the reason if you are to work out how to best overcome her real objection and enjoy fewer obstacles to your contact. It is very unlikely that she thinks your contact is harmful to the kids, and that you will kidnap them – or worse. It is more likely that she is reacting to a situation that she does not like, not for any reason that is driven by the needs of the child.

This, however, will not stop her telling the CAFCASS officer any old story to back up her actions, and she will probably come up with some plausible stories. If the child is young she might claim that they are wetting themselves with worry about having to see dad. Or if the child is older, between five and ten, she could make up any number of reasons. The best thing is to recognise her intentions before it becomes a serious problem and goes to court.

Below is a list of reasons that your ex-partner might try to stop you having fair access to your children. It is not an exhaustive list, but they are some of the more common reasons why mums try to get back at dads.

Money

This is top of the list.

Your ex-partner may feel that you are not paying enough for your kids, and that the best way to get you back is to stop you from seeing them. If this is the case then she is not likely to admit it outright, other than to make jibes along the lines of, ‘You don’t pay for them, so you don’t have the right to see them.’ She won’t think about the fact that, legally, contact with the children is a totally separate issue to child maintenance; actually it is your children that have the right of access to you. If money is the motive for her actions, then your problems are not likely to go away in the short term – unless of course you pay her what she wants.

Many divorced dads pay more than they should, for an easy life and unencumbered access to their children. What is more important in life: a few quid, or your relationship with the children? But you need to decide where your limits are – and then stick to them.

If you do give in, then ensure that you keep a record of all payments and try to avoid cash. If you buy things like school uniform or shoes, then keep the receipts – it may be of use later if you go to court. Also, when the children grow up, you can prove to them that you did more than you needed to help in their upbringing, even if their mum has told them otherwise.

Happy families

Another major reason for your ex-partner to abuse contact is because you have become an inconvenience to her if she has a new man in her life. She may want to create a new happy family at her home – which includes the new man and not you. She may, if your child is very young, seek to replace you with her new man as the child’s father.

When there is a new relationship, some women feel that it is their new man who should take the role of dad in the child’s life, because it is the new partner who is living at home and not you. It creates a new happy family at home; quite naturally what she wants to create in her home. The fact that you turn up every week and remind her of a failed relationship will only serve to destroy the family that she is now striving to create. The fact that your child is yours – and has a right of access to you – is quite simply not in her thinking.

There is not much you can do in this case. It would be no good to turn around and tell her what she is doing is morally wrong, or not in the best interests of the children, or that it will have long-term implications for the child. It will not matter to her what your opinion is, as she will not value your thoughts on the matter.

Don’t try to enter a conversation with her about her motives for the contact abuse; simply keep working at a remedy with her. You could always suggest that you both go to mediation before you take court action. It is probably not advisable to talk to her new man – unless you can avoid being perceived as going behind her back. And he may well have been fed a story about you which is not accurate, and so will not be receptive.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a very powerful and destructive emotion.

There are countless tales of women who act out of jealousy, especially if they think that you have become involved with another woman. Of course she can become jealous of you at any time, whether it is at the time of your separation, or later when you are rebuilding your life with another relationship. If she is jealous and wants to get back at you, your contact abuse may suffer as she uses the most powerful weapon in her armoury to hurt you – your children.

She may be jealous for any number of reasons. You may be benefiting from your new-found freedom, or have lost a few pounds in weight, or started activities that simply make you happy. These things may make your ex-partner envious, especially if she feels that she is still stuck at home, and tied down by parental responsibility – never with a moment to herself.

It may be that your ex-partner comes to terms with her feelings and is only affected by jealousy when on a ‘downer’. If the contact abuse doesn’t seem to have a pattern and no obvious cause, then it is likely that your ex-partner is acting out of jealousy. The question is, of course, how to address the issue. Confronting her will be of little use as she is probably in denial about her emotions – you will have to have a much more subtle approach.

Revenge

They say that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (although in fact the real verse, by William Congreve, is ‘Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned’).

Contact abuse at the time of your separation can in many cases be put down to revenge, especially if you were the one to leave the partnership. If your ex-partner feels she has been wronged, she may take revenge by stopping you seeing the kids.

But it is not only at the initial separation that your ex-partner can be driven by revenge. If, for example, your divorce settlement did not go quite the way she wanted it to, you are liable to have another instance of contact abuse at a later date.

Revenge can be the most violent of reactions, but is normally short-lived, manifesting itself in an explosive act of defiance. There are tales of women damaging their ex-partner’s cars or possessions, but contact abuse is just as violent a reaction. Your ex may feel she is getting her own back at you, irrespective of what the children want and need.

It is best to play it down and to step away; let it blow over like the proverbial storm. However, if you are unlucky and it continues, you need to use the old ‘reverse psychology’. If you show that you are concerned only with the children and their feelings, and don’t let her know how much you are hurting when she abuses contact, she will start to focus on their reactions not yours. Even if you are in a blinding rage because she won’t let you see them, it has to seem as if your feelings are irrelevant and you don’t really care about the effect her actions are having on you.

This may be very difficult. She may even engineer situations where she can see your reaction firsthand, perhaps for example you get to the door of her house before she tells you that the kids have gone to stay with their grandma. But you must not react. If she sees a chink in your armour she is likely to twist the knife until she feels that you have bled enough. You need to get her to think that her actions are helping you, not hindering you.

It’s best to make it seem that, by stopping you seeing the kids, you can get on with other things; far from being a hindrance to your happiness, her actions allow you to seek pleasure elsewhere. If she starts to think that you are benefiting from her actions she will soon stop or change. If, however, your ex really has got it in for you and wants revenge to the extent that you won’t even be left with the shirt on your back then you have a different problem. This revenge can result in ‘parent alienation syndrome’.

Dealing with contact abuse

Clearly, there is nothing that you can achieve on the day that your contact time is abused and your ex-partner stops you from having access. If the problem becomes ongoing, you need to look for a solution. After you have accepted the fact that you are not going to see the children at the time which was previously agreed, then you need to decide what – if anything – you are going to do about it. Your reaction may well depend on whether you think the problem is a short or long-term situation. You need to stand back and make an assessment of the problem: how big it is, how long it is going to last, and what is going to be the best way to get what you need and want – time with your child.

Dos and Don’ts when contact is stopped

• Do make a record (diary) of events and actions.
• Do work out why your ex-partner is doing it.
• Do write to her and ask for her proposals for access. These may well be unacceptable, but at least you can try.
• Do talk to other divorced dads to see what they have done.
• Do talk to another member of her family (maybe her mum) and see if you can get someone to act as a third party to resolve the problem quickly.
• Do be prepared to eat humble pie – a large slice of it. Your ex-partner may want to use the kids as a tool to get something from you and it may be easier to agree at this stage.
• Do remember that the children’s needs are best served when parents remove conflict from the situation – do everything that you can to avoid confrontation.
• Don’t get angry on the doorstep or on the phone. Remain calm about it (at least in front of your ex-partner – you can vent your anger elsewhere).
• Don’t try to kidnap the kids.
• Don’t phone them later and abuse their mum. It will split their loyalty, put them under severe emotional pressure and be stressful for them.
• Don’t go to the pub and get drunk – it will make you feel more depressed.
• Don’t underestimate the problem, if your ex-partner is likely to make this a long-term problem, you need to get your act together and try to stop her.
• Don’t give in.

If your ex-partner is adamant that she will not let you have access to the kids, one possible move is to find out what it is that she wants – if there is something – and give it to her, at least temporarily. You may, for example, need to appease her by giving her some more money. This may buy you a little time to talk directly to your kids and explain to them, if they’re old enough, how much you love them and want to see them, but because you and mum are in dispute, mum may stop you. In other words, let the kids know that if you can’t see them it is not because you don’t want to, but because you are not allowed to.

It is a good idea, if you think that your ex may stop your access at some point in the future, to have that chat with your kids. Because forewarned is forearmed, and if you can persuade them that you are not the problem, then they will at least not be sitting at home wondering if their dad still loves them.

Short-term contact abuse

Short-term contact abuse is one of divorced dads’ biggest frustrations. It happens when an arrangement you have to see the children is not kept by your ex-partner. She might cancel on the day, or tell you a few days before that your child has something else to do. Divorced dads need to be flexible as occasional upsets will occur, and should be expected; children do become ill, or get invited to a friend’s party at a time when they usually spend time with their dad.

However, abuse occurs when the reason for removing contact is driven by the needs of the mum and not by the needs of the child, or when your wishes about a change in arrangements are not respected.

No divorced dad objects to this. It is only when changes are motivated by the needs of the mum – for example when she goes away for the weekend taking the kids with her but doesn’t offer alternative arrangements. You have a right to get upset if this happens, to feel angry if no alternative is provided.

Almost all divorced dads have to put up with a degree of short-term contact abuse, and it would be unrealistic for you to expect otherwise. Unfortunately it comes with the territory. The question is, at what point do you take action, and what can you do about it?

It is impossible to say, for example, that X number of changes are reasonable, and any more than this is contact abuse. It is as long as a piece of string – it depends on what you are prepared to tolerate, and how much you believe your ex-partner.

Unfortunately, options for solving the problem are extremely limited, as once again it is the resident parent who holds the power in these circumstances. If you already have a court order for access, then you can return to the court and get a judge to reinforce the order by telling your ex-partner that she has to comply with the terms of that order.

However, the Children’s Act – upon which your order for access was drawn up – has no realistic method to enforce her to change her ways. So going to court to solve short-term abuse can be a waste of time and money. In fact it can be detrimental, as it might inflame your ex-partner and also show her that even by going to the courts there is very little you can do to stand in her way. Conversely, of course, she may not appreciate the stress and time and money that is involved – and think twice about doing it again.

But most divorced dads don’t have a court order and their only option is to negotiate with their ex-partner and try to convince her that she should act more honourably. The flaw here is that your negotiating position is non-existent as she holds all the cards as the resident parent.

The other option that you have is to do nothing. On that day, and maybe for a few weeks, remember the old saying ‘slowly, slowly, catch a monkey’. If you let your ex-partner know that her actions have upset you, then depending on the relationship that you have with her, she might be tempted to continue to abuse your contact.

As mentioned earlier, you may need to use a bit of reverse psychology. If she feels she has hurt you then, as her actions are designed to do just that, she may continue to use the kids to get back at you. However, if her actions did not have the desired effect, and she had to entertain the kids for the day and put up with complaints from them that they wanted to see you, she may decide that stopping you seeing the children has the effect of adding to your freedom and benefits your life. You may find that doing nothing, and showing no reaction, is the best possible option for you.

Again, communication is the key to resolving any dispute. Irrespective of what your immediate reaction to short-term abuse is, somewhere down the track you will need to sort out the problems, and this can only be done if you communicate. If she won’t communicate with you then you have very little chance of stopping the short-term abuse, but if you can open a channel of communication – you can at least negotiate, even from the lowly position that you are in.

Communicating with your ex

• Adopt a flexible approach from the start; try to negotiate over contact times rather than get to a position where contact is terminated.
• Find ways to improve the notice you are given about changes to avoid last-minute changes and the frustration that this leads to.
• If your child is old enough to communicate with, seek their input into any changes that need to be made.
• Be prepared to lose out sometimes, but remember that any small gains are worthwhile and can be built on.
• Remember that this is a long-term situation – a war can be won, even if some battles are lost.
• Although you can always go to court and get a better deal, it is not that enforceable. It is better to change the terms from the point where you start your negotiation.
• Keep a diary of all instances of contact abuse.
• Keep a record of your attempts at communication.

Failure to communicate will only lead to a continued stalemate, and leave the courts as the only option. This should really only be your final option. Short-term abuse is best dealt with in a relaxed and open way, but if your relationship with your ex-partner does not allow this then these problems are likely to persist and you will have a longer-term abuse problem. Short-term abuse will turn into a problem which becomes much more difficult to solve.

Long-term contact abuse

Your response will be different if you think the problem is long term. You will probably have to contact a solicitor and start the legal process rolling; not that this will solve your problem and get you access to your children. In fact by stepping up into a legal gear you may find that your ex-partner is alienated even more, resulting in continued contact abuse. You will need to decide your course of action, but before doing so you need to attempt to solve the problem itself, by understanding and reacting to the true motive.

If you think you can solve the problem between you and your ex-partner then you should try that first. If you think the contact abuse could be a long-term problem you need to open a channel of communication with your ex-partner. Nothing can be done until you have done that. Of course, this is likely to prove very difficult as she may not wish to talk to you. In fact it may take you several attempts to discuss matters with her, and when you do get to talk, many other influences will be at work too.

Dealing with long-term contact abuse

• Start with communication rather than solicitor action. Only if she refuses your attempts at communication should you tell her that if you can’t sort it out between you, you will have to take the matter further and instruct a solicitor.
• It may not be possible to talk to her directly; if she does not want to, be prepared to use an intermediary person, such as a mutual friend or member of the family.
• Keep a record of your attempts: it will be crucial if you have to go to court.
• Keep it simple, and don’t make threats of legal action until you are not making any progress.
• Be flexible to start with. She may only be prepared to give you limited access at first – accept whatever you get and build from there.
• Always make what you want clear, and don’t accept a final solution that you are not happy with.
• After initial communication has been established, try to get her to agree to go to a mediation service: these professionals are better at getting her to agree to fairer suggestion than you will ever be.
• Remember the psychology: she has other motives for not letting you see the kids.
• Remember the usual principles of good communication: be open; be flexible and be prepared to ignore some of the insults and accusations that are simply there to fog the real issues.

By talking directly, or indirectly, to her, she will feel as if she is in control. That is a good thing as she will react positively towards it. Many women in this situation want to feel that they have you over a barrel; if so let her – it is not important at this stage. Remember that the only thing you need to achieve is access to your kids, and what she gets out of the process is small change considering the benefit to you.

If she will not open a channel of communication or problems still persist after several attempts, and the amount of time you are getting to see your kids does not, in your opinion, allow you to develop the relationship that you want with them, then you have several choices. You can go to court, or allow her to stop your contact with your children. Or you can make a decision to stop seeing the kids yourself – and see if it invokes a change in her reaction.