CONTACT PARENT

Married fathers

Unless you are in the small percentage of divorced dads who have residency of the children, you lose equal status as a parent, and have to face the reality of being a contact parent. If you were married, a statement of arrangements is generated by your solicitor as part of your divorce.

Most divorced dads who complete a statement of arrangements do so agreeing to the children living with their mother, and in that arrangement a series of contact arrangements with the kids is set out. When a couple split this is often a verbal agreement in the first place, which is then turned into a written statement.

Even though this was the most sensible thing to do at the time, and didn’t involve too much disruption for your children, it means that you lose many rights over the ongoing parenting of your children. The only way for a married father to avoid this is to detail in the statement of arrangements that there is shared residency status for the kids.

Unmarried fathers

If you were not married, the situation is much more precarious. Just because your name is on the birth certificate does not mean that you will automatically have parental responsibility for your kids. In fact you may have no legal rights at all, and your ex may make your life very difficult in the future. At the point of separation, if you are unmarried, you should make a legally binding parental responsibility agreement with the mum, which will eliminate a lot of potential trouble in the future. Try and include a statement about shared residency if she will agree, if you want to avoid becoming a contact dad.

As it is the overwhelming case that the mother keeps the family home and residency of the children, then it is the father who has the role of contact parent. In many cases, at the time of separation, the dad has not made adequate arrangements for the provision for the residency of his children at his new home. He probably has not organised things as the financial settlement from the separation has not been completed. Hence the children stay in the family home and the mother automatically gains residency. There is nothing wrong with this, if the mum does not abuse her position and thwart access to the children, but if she does it creates an unequal position from which the dad is likely never to recover.

The reality of the Children’s Act 1989 is that there are two classes of parent. The resident parent (normally the mum) and the non-resident parent (normally the dad). This is true unless you do one of two things. Either

• obtain shared residency;
• don’t go to court ... and obtain agreement with your ex-partner.

Another choice would be to stop all contact with your children. But that is not an option that is recommended, unless in exceptional circumstances (see later in this chapter for more information).

Right from the start of the separation, you have to ask permission from your ex to have access to your kids (unless the children are old enough to make their own arrangements). This was never the original intention of the Children’s Act – to allow sole resident parents to control and possibly abuse their dominant position. In fact Section 11 (4) was included in the act to allow shared residency. The legal debate rages on, and if part of section 8 of the act had been written slightly differently, then most of today’s problems for divorced dads would be removed.

However, this is of no concern to you if you are subjected to the injustice of becoming a contact parent under the current law. And until the law changes, or judges are given the powers to reinforce court orders, then divorced dads need to understand how to get the best out of the system that they are locked into.

What being a contact dad really means

For most divorced dads, being the contact parent means a continuous struggle to play an active part in the development of their child, and for many it means that their role as dad is sidelined to a bit part which is played only at the times that they are allowed to be with their kids. Most of the dad’s views on how the children should be brought up can be ignored, not just by his ex but also by institutions (such as the courts and CAFCASS) – the very organisations which should be there to protect his role in his child’s life. Certainly, until the children are young adults and can decide for themselves what course of action they wish to take, then the role of a contact dad has severe limitations on his ability to influence many parts of his child’s life.

It is these limitations which cause the greatest frustration. There are limits on the dad’s input into:

time spent with the children;

• information from schools;
• choices for the children;
• medical decisions about the children;
• where the children live;
• how much TV they are allowed to watch;
• what their diet is;
• what activities they take part in;
• who their friends are.

As a contact dad you have limits placed on you. Do not get depressed about it. Turn your energy into spending what time you have with the kids into special time.

• Don’t get too frustrated.
• Don’t blame yourself. You are a victim of a legal process that is biased towards the resident parent.
• Try to work together with your ex-partner on key issues that you agree on. Then you can tackle the more difficult issues later.
• Make the most of the time and experience that you have with your kids: value the day.
• Don’t worry too much about how the children will grow up; the likelihood is that they will be fine.
• Find ways to be involved in their activities (for example, help out at scouts).
• Realise the situation that you are in early ... and come to terms with it. Find ways to improve access and the time that you spend with your children.
• Be passive. Don’t, under any circumstances, show any form of aggression or abuse towards your ex or the kids.

Asking permission to see your kids

Many divorced dads complain that they now have to ask permission to see their own children. If you are subject to a court order for access, then apart from the defined times that are laid out in the order, or agreed by your ex-partner, you will need to seek the resident parent’s agreement (the mum’s) to spend additional time with the kids.

Clearly this does not apply if your children are old enough to make their own minds up, and they ring you themselves and make arrangements. But for children still in their formative years, then just turning up at school or where they live is not always a good idea. In fact it can be a bad idea if access is then denied you, because if the children see you but cannot spend any time with you it can create additional stress in their lives. This is something that all responsible dads will want to avoid. You need to get the agreement of the resident parent to have additional time.

Again, the reality of being a contact dad is that additional time is not always forthcoming. A major concern for divorced dads is that the resident parent can abuse their position and control or limit the time that the dad has with the kids. Excuses that they are ‘tired after school’, ‘have homework’, or are ‘going round to auntie’s for their tea’, will all stop you having more time with them.

As soon as your children are capable of communicating independently (such as via email or a mobile) then you can talk directly to them and get your ex-partner out of the communication loop. That way you can remove the biggest barrier and avoid having to seek your ex’s permission. However, up until that age, the reality of being a contact dad is that you may have to negotiate any extra time with the resident parent, which forces you to communicate with the person that you had to take to court to give you any access in the first place. This is not fair, and is not what the Children’s Act intended, but it is the sad reality of life for many contact dads.

Schools

Many divorced dads find that it is not just their ex-partners who freeze them out of their children’s lives; many institutions also take the attitude that, as a contact parent, you are now not involved in the upbringing of your kids. Schools can be a major problem area for many divorced dads, a problem that needs to be overcome. Most communication from schools (such as newsletters and so on) is given straight to the children, and goes directly home. So many divorced dads find that they don’t know about activities that are taking place, or about other issues relating to their kids.

The Department of Education, however, clearly states:

The parent with whom a pupil does not normally reside is, in the absence of any restriction imposed by the courts, entitled to exercise all the rights which the Education Acts confer on a parent of a child in relation to his or her child, and such a parent should be treated on equal footing with the parent with whom the child lives.

It is unrealistic for you to expect the school to know about a change in your circumstances, when you and your partner separate and you don’t live with the children. So you have to contact the school direct to let them know your new address. It is likely that your ex-partner will let the class teacher know about your separation, just in case there are any behavioural issues with your child, so you will probably be spared having to break the news to the school.

But, having contacted the school, don’t expect to receive communication without having to chase things up. Many divorced dads are simply ignored. If you find that you are not getting the co-operation that you deserve, then your course of action is as follows:

• 1)Write to the head of the school.

If that does not work then:

• 2)Make a formal written complaint to the chair of governors of the school.

If that does not work then:

• 3)Make a formal complaint to the local authority.

You are entirely within your rights to receive school reports, newsletters, invitations to school events and all other communications ... so insist upon it.

• Contact the head teacher and let him/her know what you want.
• Take an active interest in your child’s education by attending parents’ evenings and so on.
• If your school suggests that you have a joint parents’ evening with your ex, and this is not something that you are prepared to do, then explain that.
• If your children are at primary school, make sure that your name appears on any paperwork with regards to parental responsibility, and that you are informed of any issues at school. Most primary schools have a form for each child.
• Don’t take being treated as a second-class parent by the teachers.

Your children’s health

As a contact parent, there will be many hours where your children will be away from you, and away from your care. So there will be times when you are not around when they have to go to the doctor’s or to hospital with their mum. Clearly, no divorced dad would stand in the way of treatment for his kids, and would readily back his ex-partner in actions that protect the health of the children.

However, most of the time that your children become sick, you probably don’t get to find out about it, or are not present at the doctor’s appointment, so you are only presented with the evidence that your ex-partner gives you. You may not be happy with this, and try to get the information direct from the doctor. Here you may encounter a problem as many doctors will not give you access to your child’s medical records, even though you are the dad.

The law in this matter is quite clear. If a child is over the age of 16 then only they have a right to see their medical records. If the child is under 16, then under the Access to Health Records Act 1990, you don’t have the right to gain access to them.

The Act requires:

Doctors, dentists or other health professionals to provide access to health records in response to a request by the parents ... or an application can be made by any person with parental responsibility.

However under Section 4 (2) the act states that the patient (effectively the child) needs to consent, or it needs to be in the best interests of the child to consent, for the doctor to agree to the application.

In fact, doctors are the only person who can make a judgement about whether allowing access to records is in ‘the best interests’ of any child that they have as a patient, and may withhold information from parents as they see fit. This is not a position that has been engineered against divorced dads, but one that actually works for both parents as doctors may withhold information from mothers as well as fathers.

The legal stance here is to protect the confidentiality of the record for the child, even though it feels like a barrier to the divorced dad getting to know what is going on.

The biggest problem: time

The biggest problem faced by divorced dads is that simply they do not spend enough time with their kids. When they lived at the family home they could spend time each day with the children,but when the father is no longer resident at the same address, contact is limited to those hours laid down either by a court order or by the permission of the ex-partner.

Because of pressures in your life, work, and other commitments, your weekly time with the kids can be down to as little as five or ten per cent of the time that you spent with them at home. Clearly your influence in their lives is therefore lessened. This is the reality of being a contact dad.

It is not a comfortable situation, and it takes several years before many divorced dads realise that their role in their kid’s lives is that of a visitor rather than of a traditional dad. It’s easy to say, ‘spend as much time with the kids as you can’, and this of course is the only way to increase the influence that you have with them. But for many that is difficult, as either their ex-partner will not allow it or their own time pressures do not. And time pressures in fathers’ lives can change, maybe even starting a second family, and having new responsibilities. It may mean that the available time that can be set aside for children from a previous relationship is squeezed.

Divorced dads who are not in conflict with their ex-partners can still have a problem, as circumstances change, or work or other life pressures take away their time. Even keeping certain hours during the week to spend with the children, many divorced dads feel as if gradually, over time, their impact on their child’s life is lessened. This leads to a feeling of helplessness and can be very depressing.

So divorced dads should not despair, as the natural process of growing up is one that will happen whether you are resident at the home or not. Some divorced dads feel that because they are not resident at the family home during the teenage years they are not faced with the hormone releases, mood swings and rebellions, and they can enjoy many benefits of being a dad without having to endure five years of living with the Harry Enfield character Kevin.

They can act as a real friend during those years, without having to get heavy with the kids for all the domestic misdemeanours like never tidying the bedroom, or never helping out around the house. So being a contact dad may in fact be an advantage during the teenage years.

The challenge to all divorced dads is to ensure that during the formative years (three to 11) they create a bond and relationship with their kids that is based on a positive and open relationship. in which the child can trust the dad. If you build trust in this time. and combine it with heaps of love and support, then you will find that you will enjoy the same relationship with your children as many resident dads.