DEALING WITH STEPCHILDREN

It may well happen that you if you find a new partner she has children. What will your attitude be to them and their dad? And what will the reaction of your children be? What should the interaction between them all be?

If you inherit any children with your new relationship, then obviously that brings some responsibilities as you will have a role to play in their lives. Think carefully about what your position and role should be, remembering always to put the long-term needs of the children first, and avoid potential conflict areas. If you have experienced another man failing to do this, don’t replicate that behaviour.

It is always best to talk to your new partner and decide what to do in conjunction with her feelings. If the child’s real dad is still taking an active part in their development, then together as a team (remembering that he has the right to be the team captain), you can really add something to the child’s life. If he is not around, then the child may want you to take a bigger part in their lives and want to call you dad. There is nothing wrong with this, providing that it does not cause any conflict with any existing relationships, and of course that you intend to stay for the long term.

Talking to the dad is the key to overcoming any barriers in that area (remember that he is probably a decent bloke and not as much of a nightmare as your new partner may make out!). Just pick up the phone and tell him that you would like to know if he has any specific issues that he would like to discuss, and that you are open to hearing any comments about the children that he would like to make. If he strays onto talking about his ex-partner, calmly put him back on track. Hopefully he will be communicative. You may need to try a few times to get talking to him, as he may himself take a little time to realise what the situation is. If not, then leave the door open for him.

Often their attitude to you is not based on fact or truth, but on insecurities within the child’s mind. You can try talking to them, but in many cases, they themselves will not understand the psychology of what is going on in their heads.

One big thing that can help is if you are supportive of them developing close relationships with their father and other relatives. If you let them know that you are comfortable with this, then the children are more likely to feel comfortable with you.

One of the biggest problem areas with stepchildren is the disciplinary code that is practised in the household. It is likely that you and your new partner will have different ideas of how to discipline the children. This will need to be discussed with your new partner and a common approach taken. You can’t have two practices, one for your kids and one for the stepchildren if they are living in the same household. It will lead to lasting resentment not only between them but also towards you. You need to sort this out with your new partner, but make sure you do it away from the kids.