GOING TO COURT OR CEASING CONTACT

You need to understand the implications of both these actions before you decide what path to take. Don’t discount the second choice out of hand. It may be a useful strategy depending on the motive behind the contact abuse. It might also be the only strategy that you can financially afford. If a three-month period of not seeing the kids results in a change of behaviour from your ex-partner, it may be worth the short-term pain for a longer-term gain.

Nobody can tell you exactly what to do in your situation. You must make up your own mind about the reasons for the problems, and then take the most informed course of action. Knowing the implications of your choice is of course key to your decision.

Ceasing contact with your children

Don’t disregard this idea – it has some merits.

For example, if your ex-partner has told you categorically that you cannot have any contact with your kids, or that you cannot have the contact period that you think is necessary to develop your relationship with them. If she is motivated by the idea that your kids are better off without you in their lives, then it may be better for you to take some time out, and remove yourself from what could become a very explosive situation.

Many divorced dads who are in this position find that the stress can seriously damage their health. This is also the moment that they are liable to do something that later they will regret. In short, the divorced dad finds himself in a very confrontational situation. And sometimes it is best to walk away – at least for a while.

Stepping back

Walking away at this point is a very non-confrontational approach, which can sometimes be the best way – especially if your ex-partner is looking to get a reaction from you or wants to get some revenge. Again, you need to analyse what her real motive is for not allowing you access to the children. Sometimes stepping back from the adverse situation that you find yourself in gives both of you time to consider what the best course of action is, and allows you time to think about the needs of the children, rather than your own desires.

Stepping back will also send her a message that you are not prepared to fight over the children, and this message alone can sometimes invoke a change in her response. This may also be the best way if, by nature, you are the explosive type and are liable to create some situation which could be used against you in any future legal actions.

Consider this very valid point. By forcing you to take the legal route, your ex-partner can use the legal process to frustrate your access to the children for up to twelve months or, with a good solicitor, even longer. So a three- or six-month period where you step away from all the aggro and heartache, might actually be less time without contact than if you take the confrontational route and fight her through the courts.

Your first instinct will always be to go to court to fight, because you are acting for the kids as much as for yourself. You will feel that you have to do something for the children. You may feel that if you don’t take some legal action you are letting the kids down. But fighting your ex in court may be an action that does not serve your children’s best interests. This is a time when you need to think before you act.

Benefits

The benefits of stepping away can be immense. You can save a lot of time and money, as well as avoid the stress of having to spend your energy on fighting for contact. Instead you can spend time and energy thinking about how best to become a great divorced dad in the future, creating the space and facilities in your life for your children to grow.

Of course, stepping away might be your only option if you lack the money to take on your ex-partner through what is an expensive and drawn-out legal system. If this is the only option available to you, then you need to make sure you do it the right way, leaving yourself a route back. You will not be alone – many divorced dads find themselves in the predicament of not being eligible for legal aid because they work, but don’t earn enough to pay for the cost of going to court (which can run into thousands of pounds).

One benefit of stepping away is more subtle. During this period your ex-partner will not be able to get at you, and she will learn that she cannot use the children as a form of control over you. This may be one of the most important steps in achieving contact with your kids.

Drawbacks

The drawbacks, however, can be a major kick in the teeth. You will miss your children, and during this period they will also miss you. But you must remember that if you are in conflict with your ex-partner, then your contact time would have been minimal anyway, and your short-term pain will hopefully give you longer-term benefits – at least that is what you are gambling on.

Stepping away is a gamble, but there are ways in which you can reduce the odds. There is a right way and a wrong way to step back for a while.

The wrong way is just to stop all contact, with no explanation to your ex or to your children (that is if you can communicate with them). Telling her that you will be back in six months by which time you think ‘her attitude will have changed’ is a sure fire way of ensuring that she entrenches her position during that time.

Don’t spend the next six months moping around and getting depressed; it is much better to develop other areas in your life and make the most of the spare time that you have.

If you don’t step away in the right fashion, you can’t expect your ex’s attitude to change when you do get in touch. But if you do it right you may get longer lasting contact with your children more quickly and cheaply than if you had taken legal action.

The right and wrong way to cease contact

Ceasing contact takes a great deal of courage, because to step away from seeing your children for any period of time is one of the most difficult things that anyone has to do.

But remember this: your children are your children, and nothing will ever change that. They will always want to have a relationship with you, as long as you are a kind and loving dad. Nothing will change that; it is in their genes. If you step away for a few months they will still have a desire to see you again, even if their mums have manipulated them.

A child’s love goes beyond a few months’ manipulation and can withstand losing contact for a short period. It is enduring over time. Whilst they will miss loving you and being loved by you, that love itself will remain and will be there when you return to their lives, providing that you have already given it and of course that you do not abuse it.

If you can communicate directly with your kids, you can prepare them for what is to come and explain to them (as best they can understand) why you feel you need to step way. But don’t make the mistake of telling them that you will be back at any particular time. Simply explain that you will be back in contact when the dispute between mum and dad is finished. Tell them that you love them and want to see them as soon as you possibly can.

If you do step away for a period, take time to think through a few matters first:

• When you will cease contact.
• When you will try to restart contact.
• What you will do with your spare time during this period.
• How you will communicate with your ex and the children.
• What support (family and friends) you will have around you during this period.
• What attitude of yours you want to change during this period.

If you are planning to step away for a few months because of the adverse circumstances that you find yourself in, remember that you are not abandoning your children, if you are trying to create a situation where you can have contact with them.

How to step away

• Send a letter to your ex-partner telling her that you are ceasing contact with her and the children. Don’t be tempted to do this face to face.
• Do not tell her the real reason – that you think it is a shorter route to getting her to co-operate with you. Tell her you are taking time out to reflect on the current situation.
• If possible, speak to your children prior to ceasing contact, and explain in rational – not emotional – terms what you are about to do, and reassure them that you love them.
• Do not tell your ex that it is for a set period. Only let her know that you are ceasing contact until the situation improves and that then you will communicate again.
• Tell her that, as always, you would love to see the kids at any time, and that your motivation for ceasing contact is simply to allow the current position to change.
• Always let her have a phone number where you can be contacted – but don’t respond to her calls unless it is an emergency.
• Don’t tell her family and friends your real intention just in case they go blabbing to your ex-partner. Keep your cards close to your chest.
• Try to appear as if you really don’t care, especially if she contacts you and tells you that you are abandoning the kids. Your indifference to her emotions will be difficult for her to deal with.
• Continue to pay child maintenance – you are not abandoning your responsibilities.
• If, when you first make contact again, she refuses, give it more time. Be prepared to be flexible.
• When it is time to start again, open a communication channel, and get your ex-partner to come up with a way forward. Let her make the first suggestion.
• If she still refuses then get a solicitor and go to court, with the knowledge that you have tried the non-confrontational route.

Remember in all of this to keep a record of what happens at all times. That is why it is so important to put things in letters. Then if it does go to court, you will be able to show that you had good reason for stopping contact for a while.

What will happen to your ex-partner during the time that you don’t have contact with her or the children is that she will have the total burden of parenting. She will also have to deal with the emotions of the children who will want to see their dad, and she will also be thinking that you are having the time of your life –free from family responsibility. Slowly these forces will act on her, and she will have time to reflect on her position.

Time is a wonderful commodity – and attitudes inevitably change over time. Where before your ex was bent on conflict, time can remove the strength of her feeling and lessen her motivation. If you handle things in the right way, by using time you can turn the position around. By stepping away from the difficult circumstances you find yourself in, you can:

• remove any stress in the situation;
• have time to re-evaluate your needs and wants;
• have time to consider the children’s needs and wishes;
• allow raw nerves to heal a bit;
• allow your ex-partner time to cool off;
• avoid any potential explosive situations;
• save money in court fees;
• save time in the long run;
• let your ex-partner know that you cannot be manipulated.

If you have decided to step away and cease contact, then your ex’s concerns at this point will not necessarily be motivated by the needs of the children (or she wouldn’t have made contact difficult in the first place). She is probably more concerned about whether she is going to continue to get maintenance from you, and whether you are planning some revenge against her.

If stepping away is to be successful, you must develop some trust in your relationship over the period, and not do anything that would cause her to think that you are going to harm her or the kids. She will already be thrown off balance by your action of stepping away. You must do everything to make her think that you are genuine and that you want to remove conflict from her life, and more importantly the children’s lives.

So continue to pay maintenance, and if she contacts you demanding X, Y or Z then give it to her if you think it is reasonable. If the demands are unreasonable, decline in a very peaceful manner, without insult or jibe. If she rings you saying that the kids need some new shoes or other trivial matter, then arrange for some cash to be delivered in an envelope. Don’t try and get contact at this point, as you need to ensure that the problems which you were having in the first place are removed first.

Establishing contact with your children after this period needs to be done via your ex-partner. This starts with communication. If that cannot be achieved and you fail to establish a method of talking, then you will never get to a position where you will have unencumbered access to your kids – and you will need to go down the legal road and go to court. But hopefully after a few months’ break, which will give emotions time to cool off, and some time in which both parties can reflect on what is most important (the kids’ needs) there could be a change in your ex’s attitude and she will start to negotiate with you.

If it does not work – or you have decided that the idea of stepping away from the kids is not one that you can contemplate – then you only have one road available to you. Go to court and get a court order for access.