How can you tell if your ex is alienated?

Just looking at the mum’s attitude to the father does not tell the full story. If she is determined to alienate the child from the dad she may go a lot further than you might expect. This is because she has to back up or justify her actions and will try to get others to back her views, even if they are not in the best position to represent the views of the child.

Alienation in its true form is not just a few weeks of aggro. It is the establishment of a long-term position of the mother (and hence the children) against the father. Most divorced dads will at some point have to face an ex who is p***ed off with them, and telling the kids things that are not helpful. But this is not alienation, it is simply venting frustration. It becomes alienation when she tries to change the attitude of the child against the dad in the longer term.

The results of this may be some, or all, of the following:

• 1.The views expressed by the child (for example, ‘I’m frightened of daddy’, or T hate daddy’) are not in any way borne out by the child’s behaviour when observed by other people.
• 2.The mother ‘enmeshes’ others (who may become her witnesses) who then echo the child’s fear or allegations and support the mother’s view that contact can only begin very gradually.
• 3.The mother is reluctant to allow the child to be seen by independent psychologists although she may have enlisted the support of her general practitioner.
• 4.The mother agrees to arrangements for contact and at the last moment ‘pulls the plug’, often citing a real or imagined incident whereby the father has upset the children.
• 5.The mother is monitoring or trying to interrupt telephone contact between the children.
• 6.The child checks with mother (which may merely be by using body language) that it is all right to answer questions asked by social workers or experts in the mother’s presence.
• 7.The child does not answer questions naturally, but appears instead to give pre-programmed answers, or responds to a question by giving a wholly unrelated answer; a classic case of indoctrination.
• 8.The mother insists on being present at all contact sessions, citing the child’s need to feel secure, or the mother may say that the child has told her that they are too frightened to have contact unless she stays.
• 9.It is said that letters and cards from the father mysteriously fail to arrive, although the mother encourages the child to write so as to demonstrate the commitment to contact.
• 10.Immediately after contact, the mother asks the child how they are feeling (for example ‘have you still got that nasty tummy ache?’), implying that contact has been a painful experience for the child.
• 11.The mother alleges that the father has abused the child in some way, and continues to insist on this even in the face of all expert evidence to the contrary. None the less, the mother may assure everyone that she does not want to prohibit contact but insists that it will have to be re-established on a very gradual step-by-step basis and that continued supervision of the father whilst contact takes place is essential to prevent further abuse. The child may echo the allegations of the mother, appearing to believe that they have been abused.

However Parent Alienation is shown by the mum, the result is twofold. Firstly that she is trying to persuade the CAFCASS officer or other court officials to stop or curtail contact because it is not in the best interest of the child. Secondly, she is trying to alienate the child against having contact with their father for no good reason other than her own motives.