MANAGING CONTACT

Conflict at drop offs and collections

Being a contact dad often means that you have to go and pick up your children from your ex-partner’s residence, and often you are responsible for dropping them off as well. The reality of being a contact dad is that you won’t get equality in this aspect either, especially if your ex-partner now lives away from you. Your ex may well have the attitude that if you want to see the children, then it is up to you to come and pick them up; why should she make life easy for you?

It is not fair that you have to go to the time and expense of travelling to the place where the kids live, but then life is not fair. For most divorced dads extra travelling is a burden that they just have to face.

If you have a court order for access, then amongst the issues you can specify arrangements for collections and drop offs, and try and base the arrangements on a shared basis. The problem you will get, as we have already seen with court orders, is that if your ex-partner decides not to comply, then your only course of action is to drive over and pick up the kids.

The biggest problem that occurs at collections and drop offs is that it is the time when you are most likely to come into contact with your ex-partner. For many divorced dads it is the time when tempers fray and incidents can occur. In fact, collection and drop offs can turn out to become a very stressful experience for both parents, but more so for the kids, who frequently witness acts of aggression or violence between the two people that they love the most. For many children of divorced parents, the danger at is that they have a memory of conflict and violence, which clearly needs to be avoided.

Avoid conflict at collection and drop-off times. Beware: if you lose your temper at a collection or drop off, then you may have to face the consequences. These can be severe. For example:

• You may be subject to a police investigation, with your ex-partner accusing you of assault or affray. This will lead to a criminal record.
• Your ex-partner may, via her solicitor, refuse to give you access to your children as a result of the alleged behaviour.
• Your ex-partner may well return to court for a change in the defined court order for access and reduce your contact with your kids.

The one thing that you can be guaranteed is that any allegation made about you will be exaggerated and cause you a lot of stress. You don’t need to add to the stress and anger that you are already feeling when you have to face the ex.

The most important thing to think about at this point in time is the children. They have probably been looking forward to spending the day with you all week, so don’t allow their time with you to start off on a downer. You want them to be looking forward to your contact time in a positive light, not dreading the moment that mummy and daddy have a row at the front of the house, when mummy is in tears, and daddy in an angry mood for the rest of the day.

You need to avoid putting this conflict and stress in their lives. This is part of the responsibility that you have as the adult; find a different way to vent your anger and emotions, not on the object of them (your ex) to the detriment of those that are simply the innocent victims of the divorce – your kids.

Giving the children back

Many divorced dads say that when the time for contact comes to an end, and they have to take the kids back to their home, it can be a very depressing moment.

It is a reminder of the fact that the dad is returning to his life, and that the children are not a big part of it. So you will not be the only divorced dad who feels this; it is perfectly natural and is an emotion that unfortunately you will just have to come to terms with.

You need to develop strategies for coping with it. What you don’t want to do is to project your sadness onto the kids; it will make them feel responsible and is quite unfair. You need to tell them how much you are looking forward to the next contact and let them know about any plans that you have for that time. It is great if they are a little older to ask them what they want to do, and get their input. It may be that your kids are feeling a little sad as well, with the thoughts of not seeing you for a while. The positive thing to do here is to give them something to look forward to, rather than sending them home depressed as well.

If you don’t feel great after you have given the kids back to their mum, then you also need to look after yourself a bit. Try to spend the time immediately afterwards with friends or family, and not be on your own, brooding about what contact you don’t have. Or spend the time planning your next contact. Whatever you choose to do, the reality of being a contact dad is one of constantly giving back your kids and spending time without them.