PARENTING PLAN

To ensure that you manage the change in your role you need to amend the parenting plan that you had (subconsciously) created with your ex-partner to take into account changes in time and responsibilities.

’What parenting plan?’ I hear you cry!

When your child was born you and your partner assumed roles in their life. This probably happened without either of you knowing it: who took them to school, who cooked, who read the bedtime stories, and who did the thousands of other small and seemingly insignificant tasks that are involved in being a parent.

And you took decisions about schools, activities, where you lived, what religion (if any) you followed, who went to the school plays, when you took the children to see the grandparents and other relations. You had a rough plan worked out with your partner as to the influences in your children’s life.

Now it is time to create a divorced dad parenting plan.

Before starting to consider your parenting plan, you need to agree some access/contact arrangements with your ex-partner. Hopefully this can be done in the early stage of your separation, on an informal basis. This may be a source of difficulty that you will need to go to the family court to resolve (this is covered in more detail in Chapter 3). Don’t worry if, initially, your ex does not allow you the access that you want, and don’t worry if for the first few months of your separation it seems as if your children are mixed up about your new situation. Things should calm down a bit later.

The important view is medium to long term. You have already made the decision to remain an active dad, so now it is time to consider what that will actually mean, given the change in your circumstances.

Making arrangements

There is no need to create a complex and detailed plan of action. In the short term you need to think about the following questions:

• When will I see my children?
• How long will I see them for?
• What will I do with them in the time that I have?
• What will I tell them about the separation?
• What help do I need with my contact?
• What other relations (grandparents and so on) do the children still want to see?
• What will the living arrangements be in the early days before I have a long-term home?
• Who will continue the child’s religious education (if any)?
• What arrangements will we have for special days?
• What holidays can the children come on with me?

There will be a hundred and one different aspects to the arrangements for your children. Don’t expect to know all the answers when you first separate from your ex-partner; the arrangements will have to develop and change over time. What you need to do is to ensure that you have thought through the basics. That way you can create time and space for good contact with your children; this will cater for their needs as well as being practical for you and your ex-partner. It may mean that you have to be more flexible than you would want to be in the first few months, just to establish a good working relationship with your ex-partner.

It cannot be stressed strongly enough at this stage that, if you can create an informal working relationship with your ex-partner, it will benefit the children immensely. It doesn’t just show them that there is minimal stress between their parents, but also in the longer term it will help you to have more time with your children.

When can I see the children?

There is no formula for telling you when, where and for how long to see your kids. There is no manual written for being a parent –it is not a subject studied at school, nor is parenting an exact science. In the initial stages of the separation it is excellent to see the children as much as possible, but work and other life commitments will soon mean that a routine will be needed.

Most children like routine, and it is critical that they know when they will be seeing you (managing contact is covered in Chapter 2), so establishing a routine is important. This is especially true for children under the age of 10. Not only is it important for the children but it is also important for you, as you will need to plan your life around the time with your kids. As your children become young adults, so contact times will need to be more flexible, and will probably be based around the child’s activities – rather than when you are available to see them. Try telling a teenager that they can’t go to a sleepover at their best friend’s because you want to see them. The older they get the more flexible you need to be.

In the initial stages of your parenting plan, consider only your child’s needs – you can catch up on your social life later. If it means that you don’t play football on a Sunday morning because this is the only time that your children are available, then hand your temporary resignation into the football club and tell them you will be back later.

As time goes by it will be necessary for you to balance your life, to create time for your children as well as having time to develop your own interests. And if you are lucky, you can share a lot of those interests with your children. Don’t make the mistake of creating a parenting plan that does not allow you to grow as a person and have your own interests. You are a person as well as a dad; even though your kids are an important part of your life, they are not its sole purpose.

Your ex-partner

Some women will want their ex to have as much access as possible, to allow them to develop their own lives. One of the reasons that some women wanted a divorce in the first place was because they felt they were trapped. So there may be a tendency for your ex to manipulate contact arrangements around what time/days are suitable for her.

That is not the way that contact should be arranged. Contact should be designed around the needs of the child. But in the initial stages of the parenting plan, adapting to your ex might be the best solution to gaining unencumbered access to your children.

Don’t be a babysitter for your ex-partner’s benefit. Design your contact times around the needs of the children.

• If your ex is more likely to give you access to suit her, then initially you may have to accept it. There’s no problem, if you get to spend time with the kids. But that does not mean that you have to accept it as a permanent arrangement.
• Keep a record of times that you spend with the kids in the early months; it can be great evidence if you need to go to court for access rights. If you are being used, you will be able to prove that the times that your ex-partner is giving you are not in the best interests of the kids.
• If you have to, refuse any arrangements that are not suitable for you. Be prepared to be flexible, but don’t be a babysitting service. If you have to refuse, suggest alternatives rather than simply saying no again. Document the alternatives that you give.
• Try to talk to your ex-partner and discuss the needs of the children, especially if they are under five. Your ex-partner will probably want reassuring that the child’s needs are being met.

A good way of working out what to do in the first few months is to talk to other divorced dads who have been in this situation before you. Try to learn from what mistakes they have made, so that you can avoid the errors yourself. If you do talk to other divorced dads you will probably find that the following times are a good contact arrangement for the initial period.

Child’s age	Times per week	Hours of contact	Stay over
0-1	3	2	0
2-4	2	3	2
5-9	2	5	1
10-13	2	10	2
13-16+		The child can decide

However, don’t get concerned if your ex-partner will not give you as much time as in the table above. You may not be in a position to negotiate better terms, but hopefully that will change at a later date.

How long should I see the children for?

Let’s get one thing straight: quality not quantity is the important thing. This is why many divorced dads have an excellent relationship with their kids, even if they cannot see them every day. This is because of a change in the balance of activities during the time that you have access to them. You can devote 100 per cent of your attention to them. Think back to when you were at home. How often did you have the option of devoting several hours purely to the children, unencumbered by domestic chores?

So if you want to be a positive influence on your child, then it is the quality of your contact that will count, not the quantity. But clearly there must be a base level for involvement with a child’s life – just a few hours each month is not enough. You need to establish weekly contact at least. How much depends on your child’s age, but for children of all ages contact can be in two ways. Indirect contact, such as phone calls or emails, is just as important as direct contact – seeing them. Every divorced dad needs to strive to have both indirect and direct contact with his children. Obviously, indirect contact is more important if the father is unable to have direct contact each week.

Contact should also include both daytime and stay-over arrangements, and it is preferable in your initial parenting plan to establish a routine that includes both. However this may not be possible if your new domestic arrangement is a bedsit in nowhere land, and you can’t bring yourself to show your kids your new surroundings.

From the start, your contact should include both daytime and stay-over arrangements.

• If your accommodation is not up to much at first then use alternatives which the children may already be familiar with, such as grandparents’ or other relatives’ homes.
• Children’s memories of you will be formed at this time – so think about the impression that your child will take from you at this time.
• When looking for your new home, think about the needs of your children (if your finances allow).
• Don’t take the kids round to your new partner’s house straight away (if you have one). You may well find your cat in a saucepan boiling away on the stove the next time you go home. Your ex-partner will not want you playing happy families in the initial period of your separation.
• Try to ensure that your contact works around the normal routine of the children, rather than them having to change.

What shall I do when I’m with them?

In the first few weeks, your kids don’t need to do activities that you don’t normally do with them. Just seeing you and spending time with you is probably what they need. You need to give them time to talk to you – not to spend time on funfair rides or expensive trips. In the first few weeks try to think more about what your kids are going through than you. This initial period is important. You need to ensure that you don’t add to the fears and woes of your kids and, if you are having problems, seek to assure them that things will become OK after a short period.

It’s a good idea to write it down. Somehow, writing something makes you think about it a great deal more. You don’t need a fancy computer, just a blank sheet of paper which says: ‘What do my children need over the next few months?’

Somewhere on that piece of paper may be written love, security and encouragement, along with knowing that you will always be around. There will no doubt be many others things but I doubt that anywhere will be written new toys, day trips to Alton Towers, fancy holidays or other special treats. You don’t have to go spending money on your kids to compensate for your change in circumstances: it is not what they need, nor will doing those things build your relationship long term with your children.

Many children will wonder if your divorce will mean changes in their lives. For example, if you used to take them to the local sports club, they will be thinking, will they still be able to go now that you are not at home? Or if they had some pocket money from you ... will they still get it?

It is quite natural for them to be negative in their outlook, to worry about the small things, and of course to think the worse. Your role is simple: talk to your children if they are old enough to express their views, and reassure them as much as possible.

Talk to your children. They are the best source of feedback that you can have.

• When you talk to them, don’t make it a formal chat. Do it as casually as you can, maybe whilst playing in the park.
• The more relaxed you can make your children, the more communicative they will be.
• Concentrate on discovering what their needs are.
• Where possible focus on their fears and worries, and address them.
• If your child is under 10, then you will need to adopt a different strategy as they may not be able to communicate clearly what is going on in their heads.
• Don’t discuss with them your fears or worries – your job as a parent is to shoulder those.
• Reassure and encourage your children at every opportunity.
• Don’t make any promises that you know you can’t keep absolutely. Your children will remember if you let them down and it will come back to haunt you.

When you have your children, don’t just sit them down in front of the TV – plan some activities. These do not have to cost you any money. In terms of the activities you can do, try to plan things that you can do together: swimming, walking, playing in the park or board games at home. Now is the time to get out the Christmas present that Auntie Jane gave your child, the one that has been gathering dust because you did not have the time to play that game with your children before.

All your kids will want in the early stages is to spend time with you. Playing games is the best way for kids to have fun, and you will get a great deal of satisfaction from seeing the smiles on their faces when they beat you at Snakes and Ladders or Mousetrap, Monopoly or Draughts. What’s more, you probably don’t need to buy them, as they’ll already be somewhere in your kid’s bedroom.

Simply spending quality time together is about focusing on your child’s emotional and educational needs; it is not about being a Disneyland dad. In your initial parenting plan, focus on simply spending energy on your kids, not money.