TELLING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THE SEPARATION

What exactly you tell your children will be affected by how old they are, and also the reason for your separation. Once your kids are teenagers, they will probably already know what is going on. They are very sensitive to the dynamics within their own home and it will come as no great surprise that you or mum are leaving. So there is probably not so much to say to this age group – you will need to focus on the ongoing arrangements and continue to build on your existing relationship. However, younger age groups will need more sensitive handling. Fortunately divorce is no longer a social stigma, so your child will not be going to school having to face the sometimes cruel taunts of the other kids.

The most difficult age group is the five to 12, where the kids will have a limited understanding of what is going on. It is easier to explain with under fives as they are much more adaptable at that age. Obviously, the nature of your leaving can have a dramatic impact on the communication, depending on whether it was a mutual decision, or whether it was your own or your partner’s.

You might not get the chance to tell them yourselves as your ex-partner may have done it for you, especially if it has come to a shock to her as well! Or if she has instigated the divorce, you might find that the job has been done for you. Bear in mind that if your ex-partner has delivered the message then it may have been done with some bias, in which case you may need to give your children a clearer message of what is going on.

A joint effort is preferable, as you can agree what you’re going to say, and do it together. It can help immeasurably if you and your ex can give as many reassuring messages as possible to your children – just because you are leaving home does not mean that you will never see them again.

If you are unclear about what to say, and how to say it, try to talk to some other divorced dads to find out what they said to their kids, and talk to your friends who have been there before you. Try to deliver your message in a positive light, and, although it might be very difficult, try not to break down and become very emotional. Your kids may be miserable enough without having to know that you are hurting like hell.

Many divorced dads say that this is one of the saddest and most emotional moments in their lives, and that the feelings of letting down their children can be immense. Just as you experienced pure euphoria when your child was first born and you held them in your arms for the first time, this moment can be abject dejection. The only comfort you can take is that it is a credit to your emotional health, and a sign of the strength of your love for your child, that you care so deeply about them. That makes you the dad that you are and will be. This is a moment when you must be brave for your kids; try to do your crying in private later.

Another of the biggest factors in what to tell them will clearly be the circumstances of the separation. If it has been planned mutually and by consent, then you will have other arrangements in place – like where you will be living and so on, which may be information that the kids want to know. If, however, the circumstances were not mutual, then blurting out that your ex is an adulteress and a hussy, or that you have been placed right in the sh** will not help matters.

At this stage, no blame should be attached to either party for the breakdown. Even if you have instigated it, or your partner has, try to take joint responsibility for the breakdown of your relationship. It is not a good start if you are fighting from the off with your ex-partner. At the moment of telling your kids that their world has changed, avoid them seeing and hearing conflict between the two people who are the anchors of their world.

Be careful about telling your children little white lies as a way of softening the blow; it may build up some hope that you should not allow to linger. However timing can be used to great effect. You don’t have to tell them everything at once.

• Avoid emotional statements and getting over emotional when communicating to your children in the first few weeks.
• Think about what to tell them beforehand.
• Don’t agree to telling a lie because it makes life easier at the time. It will come back to haunt you in the future.
• Plan to have plenty of time to talk. Don’t do it as they are just going out, or you are on your way to work.
• Pick a neutral and public place, especially if you and your ex-partner are in conflict. It could avoid a loud and angry scene.
• If the children are teenagers then ensure that you make the conversation a two way process, and get them to open up about their thoughts and feelings.

Finally, having got over the hurdle of telling the children – and for many divorced dads this is a watershed moment which makes everything real – this moment is also the time that will spark a chain of events that lead to a permanent change in both your and your kids’ lives. Don’t look back to what might have been or what was. That is now in the past and you must look forward to a new life, with new opportunities and new experiences and maybe, in time, new relationships.