THE IMPORTANCE OF NEVER LOSING CONTACT

For a moment, put yourself in your children’s shoes if you can. Try and see the world from their perspective. A child has very few anchor points in their lives: school, pets, a home, and most importantly their mum and dad. When there is separation or divorce, a major anchor in their life becomes loose. And they don’t quite realise why. In some separations several anchors can go at the same time, if the mum also has to move home, or the child is separated from their pet for example.

Every child needs as stable an upbringing as their parents can possibly give them. Providing an environment of security and love is possibly the most important responsibility that parents share. A major part of that security and love comes from having the father around.

Always remember that just because you and your partner get divorced, your children don’t choose to lose a parent; no child ever would. Depending on the circumstances of the separation, and the age/development of the child, there may be a temporary phase of alienation as the child does not understand the true reasons for the changes in their lives. They may say things like, ‘I don’t ever want to see you again’, but this is because of confused loyalties and heightened emotions. They may position themselves on the side of one of the parents, but you need to recognise this for what it really is, and not read more in to it than the child trying to make both parents listen to what they need.

It may be very difficult to carry out, with obstructions placed in your way, and future changes in your life, but even though contact with your child will change and vary over the childhood, it is critical that you remain in contact in some form. This may well be the biggest challenge that you have to face.

Never lose contact with your children. If you have to move away because of work or other pressures, always leave an avenue of contact, no matter how small.

The effect of losing contact

If you are the type of father who is not going to be a positive influence on your children’s lives, then I doubt very much you are reading this book. The role of dad probably means very little to these fathers – perhaps because of the role that their dads had in their lives. Whatever the reason, there are at least two people who will suffer as a result of that decision: the child and the dad.

There are many stories of people who were abandoned by a parent when young, from celebrities such as Mick Hucknall (lead singer of Simply Red), to normal people with normal jobs and lives, but no matter who it is it is very difficult for relationships to be re-established once contact is broken. Each story has its own set of circumstances, and we cannot judge the right or wrong of them. But both child and parent suffers instead of benefiting from having each other in their lives.

The effect on the child

Most importantly, the child misses having the father as a positive influence in their lives. They miss having their real dad to talk to, and to love, because it is in the nature of all children to love without judgement. If you fail to keep in contact with your children they will miss out on being able to love you.

But this is not only the way the child misses out, as dads have an important role to play in a child’s development. All children need encouragement and guidance as well as confidence. The appropriate words at the right time during the endeavours of childhood can create a confidence that will enable the child to keep on trying, to achieve more and to get fulfilment from school, play and home.

If you fail to keep in contact then you will be failing to have a positive influence in inspiring your child to achieve to the best of their abilities.

The effect on the dad

But it is not only the child that misses out if you lose contact. Most dads find that the experience of being a father is a very rewarding and enjoyable one and cannot be surpassed by other activities or roles in their lives. In fact this is a double-edged sword, as the effect of a divorce is to limit how much influence you can have, which seems to heighten awareness of what you’re missing.

If you fail to keep up contact with your children, you will miss out on an opportunity to achieve fulfilment in your life. It is logical to say that the bigger the role you play in your child’s life, the greater the fulfilment both you and your child will achieve. You have satisfaction in your own life, and become more contented as you grow and develop as a person.

If you choose not to stay in contact with your children you lose the right to have a positive influence on their upbringing. You also lose the right to walk back into your child’s life when they are an adult; they should have the right to decide if they would like anything to do with you.

Also, because a child needs a dad, your ex-partner may well get your child to call another man dad; if you are still in contact with your children this is wrong but if you have fled the scene it may in fact be good and help to give them a balanced upbringing. In short – if you leave your child’s life, then you also leave behind an opportunity to find fulfilment yourself, and will surely damage the emotional upbringing of your child.

As a child grows

You can’t predict the future, or what your child’s needs will be in the later years of their childhood. It may be that the relationship with the resident parent will deteriorate and they will need a bolt hole to flee to. Adolescence and puberty create a lot of strains at home, and having a dad round the corner to turn to can be a godsend to a child who is having problems at home. If you are there for them your relationship will continue to grow. But the lack of a dad to go to can leave a child with nowhere to turn. In the worst case this can lead to leaving home too young – perhaps even living on the street and getting into trouble. Of course, this is a worst-case scenario, but do remember what you can offer your child by staying in touch.

Also, whilst contact can be obstructed at the early stages of a divorce, as the child gets older they will want to have a bigger influence over contact arrangements, and will determine more for themselves what contact they want. At that stage, the obstructions that your ex may have put in the way of your contact will almost certainly disappear. If you have maintained a relationship until that point then your relationship with your child will develop very quickly and without the constraints of the past, enabling both of you to really benefit from each other.