Finally, it’s time to put it all together by taking a look at some model speeches.

You can use these in one of three ways. You could select the one that best suits you and then adapt and personalise it, or take what you think to be the best bits from two or more speeches and adapt and personalise them, or plan your own speech from scratch after reading these just for inspiration.

The usual order of speeches is:

• 1.Proposal of a toast to the bride and groom (model speeches 1–21)
• 2.Response to the toast and proposal of a second toast (model speeches 22–40).
• 3.Response on behalf of the bridesmaids (model speeches 41–50).

Traditionally, the first speech is made by the bride’s father or guardian; the second by the bridegroom; and the third by the best man or best girl. However, this pattern assumes that the bride has been brought up by two parents and today over two million people in Britain haven’t been. So now it is perfectly acceptable for speeches to be made by other people – perhaps by a close relative or family friend, by the bride’s mother, or by the bride herself. It all depends on the particular circumstances of the bride and groom.

MAKING YOUR CHOICE

For those of you who do not want to wade through all these model speeches, here is a summary of which of them best suit these particular personal circumstances.

One of the couple was brought up in a single-parent family: Model speeches 5, 6, 7, 18, 19, 20, 25, 26, 36 and 37.

One of their parents is recently deceased: Model speeches 3, 4, 16, 17, 23, 24, 34 and 35.

They already have a child: Model speeches 11, 12, 13, 30, 31 and 32.

There were no bridesmaids at the wedding: Model speeches 21, 39, 40, 47 and 48.

It is a second marriage: Model speeches 8, 9, 10, 27, 28 and 29.

Nobody should ever be forced to speak, if they do not want to. This is supposed to be a happy day, so no one should be forced to do anything. However, if anyone is going to speak, they should know about it well in advance, and they must know the precise purpose of their speech. Is it to propose a toast, to respond to a toast, or to do both?

The speeches should begin after the guests have finished eating. Make sure their glasses are charged before anyone speaks. If there is a toastmaster, he will say something like: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, pray silence for Mr Ben Nevis who will propose a toast to Mr Sydney and Mrs Pearl Harbour.’ If there is no toastmaster, the best man should do the honours, possibly in a less formal manner: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please be silent as Mr Ben Nevis proposes a toast to Mr Sydney and Mrs Pearl Harbour.’

Right, now let’s take a look at 50 model speeches which, when adapted, personalised and possibly combined, should suit any particular set of circumstances.

PROPOSING A TOAST TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM

At a formal wedding reception this opening speech should include some positive comments about the couple and some optimistic thoughts about love and marriage. At a more informal wedding party, the speech can be more general. At either setting it must all build up to the toast.

A good speech includes the right balance of humour and seriousness, all applied with liberal helpings of sentiment. But what is the right balance? That depends on the personalities of the couple and their backgrounds and circumstances. For example, a very humorous speech would be out of place if one of their parents died last month. It also depends on your personality. Do you feel comfortable telling a joke? If you don’t, don’t do it.

Model speech 1: Bride’s father

Formal reception

Reverend Green, Ladies and Gentlemen – Friends, ‘We cannot fully enjoy life unless someone we love enjoys it with us.’ Not my words, I’m afraid, although how I agree with them.

I cannot begin to tell you how delighted I am to see my daughter, Karen, looking so radiant as she begins a new chapter of her life – as the wife and partner of Richard. I know I’m also speaking for Mary when I say we are not losing Karen; we are merely entrusting her into Richard’s care. And as we have got to know Richard well over the last few months, we have come to the inescapable conclusion that this will be very, very good care. He has shown himself to be exactly the sort of person we had always hoped Karen would marry: a man who knows where he’s going in life – and how he’s going to get there.

It seems like only yesterday that I found Karen playing with her new housekeeping set. ‘Are you washing dishes?’ I asked. ‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘and I’m drying them as well because I’m not married yet.’ Richard, you have been warned.

Looking around me, I see a picture of sartorial elegance. You’d put the Royal Ascot crowd to shame. But my wife isn’t quite so sure about my appearance. As we were on our way to the wedding this morning, Mary turned to me and said, ‘You know, you don’t seem quite as well dressed as when we were married 25 years ago.’ ‘Well I don’t know why not,’ I replied, ‘because I’m wearing the same suit.’

It is customary on an occasion such as this for the father of the bride to pass on a few words of wisdom about the institution of marriage. Well if 25 years of blissful marriage have taught me anything – and I pass this advice on to both of you – it is that the best way to get the last word in any argument is to say ‘sorry’. But better still, of course, why argue in the first place?

Everyone who knows Karen and Richard believe that this has been one of those marriages made in heaven, and I know you will all want to join me in wishing them a long and happy married life together. So please stand up, raise your glasses and drink to the health and happiness of Karen and Richard.

To Karen and Richard!

Model speech 2: Close family friend, relative or godfather

Formal reception – where the bride’s father is present but does not make a speech.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Anne’s father, Phil, and her mother, Liz, have done me the great honour of offering me the opportunity of making this little speech on this joyous occasion, and to propose a toast to the happy couple. When I asked why they chose me, Phil explained that it was because we’ve been friends for more years than he cares to remember and that I have known Anne for all her life. Not so, Phil, I missed the first 24 hours.

You know, this is truly a historic day! This day, the 13th of July, will always be remembered because of three world-famous events. Film actor Harrison Ford was born in 1942; Live Aid pop concerts raised millions for charity in 1985; and on this day in 200X, Tim married Anne!

It seems like only yesterday that Anne’s weekends were taken up with tap dancing, ballet and the pony club. She called her pony Radish and used to go round telling everyone it was her horse Radish.

But seriously, we’re all very proud of the wonderful work she does for sick animals. And it was while she was helping out down at the RSPCA that she first met Tim.

Over the last few months I’ve got to know Tim well and I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s a very pleasant, hard-working man with immaculate tastes. After all, he supports United and he chose Anne, didn’t he?

Friends, I am sure that this young couple will have a wonderful marriage and I would ask you to join me now in wishing them a long, happy and prosperous future together. Please stand and raise your glasses. I propose a toast to the health and happiness of Anne and Tim.

To Anne and Tim!

Model speech 3: Close family friend, relative or godfather

Formal reception – where the bride’s father is recently deceased.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a great honour for me to be here with you all today on this joyous occasion. I have known Clare and her parents for many years. It was 1990 when Henry, Sarah and a very young Clare became my next-door neighbours. Henry was an excellent gardener and he soon transformed not only his garden – but mine as well.

In fact we were in my greenhouse when he told me that Clare had met Francis. He spoke very highly of the young man on that June evening and on many subsequent occasions. Although we all greatly miss Henry, we can rejoice in the fact that he would have been absolutely delighted that Francis and Clare have become man and wife. And because his hopes and wishes have now been realised I feel that in a sense he is celebrating here with us today.

As you know, the wedding was postponed, but Clare is a girl well worth waiting for. Doesn’t she look radiant? Henry would have been proud of her – as I’m sure Francis is. I have got to know Francis very well since we first met last summer and I know Clare has made a very wise choice. He’s a hard-working lad who knows money comes first and last. You’ve got to make it first and then make it last. These young people have a very bright future ahead of them and I would like you all to join me in wishing them every success as they begin their married life together. So please raise your glasses and drink to the health and happiness of Clare and Francis.

To Clare and Francis!

Model speech 4: Bride’s father

Formal reception – where one of the bridegroom’s parents is recently deceased.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s been quite a week. England hammered Holland, I won a few quid on the National and now, to crown it all, Ted married Carol. You know, I read in a newspaper the other day that marriage is going out of fashion. Well, you can’t believe everything you read in newspapers. And even if it’s true, have you ever seen two people so delighted to be out of fashion?

It seems only like yesterday that Carol’s music was blasting through our household. I asked if I could borrow her CD for the evening. ‘Do you fancy some heavy metal?’ she asked. ‘No just a bit of peace and quiet,’ I replied. Come to think about it, it was yesterday.

But ‘if music be the food of love, play on’ because that’s how Carol got to meet Ted. At a gig – I think that’s what you call it – at the NEC. From there things just went from strength to strength. Over the last year or so I’ve got to know Ted well and I like to think we’ve grown into good friends. He’s shown himself to be a very dependable young man and we’ve all been immensely impressed by the additional support he’s given his mum since her sad loss. I only met Arthur twice, but that was enough to convince me that he was as happy at the prospects of his son’s marriage as I was at my daughter’s. So we can rejoice today that Arthur’s hopes and wishes for his son have been realised.

It is customary for the bride’s father to offer the newly weds some profound piece of advice – advice that’s been passed down from generation to generation and no doubt ignored by all of them. So instead I’ll simply say to you both: Have a good life. I mean that. Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand, raise your glasses, and drink with me a toast to the health and happiness of Ted and Carol.

Ted and Carol!

(Where both the bride and bridegroom have recently lost a parent adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 3 and 4.)

Model speech 5: Bride’s mother

Formal reception – where the bride was brought up in a single-parent family.

Reverend Goodman, Ladies and Gentlemen, Dora just asked me, ‘Would you like to speak now or should we let our guests enjoy themselves a little longer?’ She always has had a way with words.

What a joy it is to see so many happy faces here today – and none happier than those of this young couple. And why not? Bryan has married Dora and Dora is gaining Bryan and losing me.

I was so proud to see Dora today as she swept down the aisle. Proud and surprised – I’d never seen her sweep anything before. But seriously, no one could have asked for more from a daughter. She deserves happiness and with Bryan I am confident she has found it.

Bryan is a very hard-working lad and we are all very proud of his recent success with his NVQs. When he asked me for Dora’s hand, I asked, ‘Bryan, do you think you’re earning enough to support a family?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Think very carefully now,’ I added, ‘after all, you know there are five of us.’ Only joking, Bryan. But I do want you to know you really are one of the family now.

Of course from time to time there will be problems, but I cannot imagine two people better equipped to face them. So I ask you all to be upstanding, to raise your glasses and to drink to the health and happiness of Dora and Bryan.

To Dora and Bryan!

Model speech 6: Close family friend, relative or godfather

Formal reception – where the bride was brought up in a single-parent family and her mother (or father) does not want to speak.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very honoured that Kylie’s mother/father, Pat, asked me to propose a toast to the happy couple. I have known Kylie for many years and I have spent several pleasurable evenings watching her acting with the Plymouth Players. Well today there is no doubt that she is the star of the show – well, co-star anyway, alongside Jason.

I’ve got to know Jason well over the last few months and he’s proved himself to be a very dependable, friendly and hard-working young man. Not only does he have a good job, but he is wisely continuing his education at night school. So, all being well, he should become a fully qualified chartered accountant within three years.

I am confident that Kylie and Jason have all the qualities needed to build a strong and successful marriage. They both have the sense of humour, love and support for one another necessary to help them through any difficult times, and the courage and determination to make sure things soon go right again. So let us raise our glasses and drink to the health and happiness of Kylie and Jason.

To Kylie and Jason!

Model speech 7: Bride’s father

Formal reception – where the bridegroom was brought up in a single-parent family.

Ladies and Gentlemen, what an historic day this is! This very day, the 1st of June, will always be associated with three world-famous events. Screen legend Marilyn Monroe was born in 1926, The Beatles released the classic Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts’ Club Band in 1967, and on this day in 200X, Andrew married Myfanwy!

Thank you all so much for coming to celebrate this happy day. What a joy it is to see so many happy faces, and none more radiant than those of the young people on my right. Marriage, they say, is made in heaven. Well I’m afraid I beg to disagree. This marriage was not made in heaven, it was made at my retirement party when I introduced Andy to Myfanwy. I hasten to add that it was early retirement. Later that evening I remember my wife, Jean, commenting that they seemed to be getting on rather well. To be honest, I didn’t take much notice at the time but four months later, when Andy asked my advice on engagement rings, I knew she was right.

And from that moment Myfanwy hardly stopped planning and arranging things to make sure everything went as smoothly as it did today. Even yesterday I overheard her say to her mother, ‘Mum, I’ve still got so much to do and I want everything to be perfect. I’m determined not to overlook even the most insignificant detail.’ And her mother replying, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make sure your father is there.’

Myfanwy is the best daughter any parents could have asked for. And if I’m accused of being biased, then I plead guilty – and proud of it. But everyone has faults – even Myfanwy. Andy, occasionally she is a little economical with the truth – but that is all she is economical with. For example, she certainly hasn’t been economical with all the love and kindness she has displayed to her parents.

I worked with Andy for three years so I know him well. Our boss called him a miracle worker because it was a miracle if he worked. No, it’s because I know Andy so well that I know I can get away with a crack like that. He has a great sense of humour and he really is a very hardworking young man. I know I’m not breaking any confidences when I tell you how proud his mother, June, is that he has decided to enrol for an Open University degree course.

As tradition demands, I shall pass on to you both one pearl of wisdom about the institution of marriage – it is the kind of advice you might expect from a former financial adviser: Marriage is an investment that pays dividends so long as you take the time to pay interest – and that’s more than mere speculation.

I know, and you know, that these young people are going to be blissfully happy. Let us stand up, and raise our glasses and drink a toast to the health and happiness of Andy and Myfanwy.

To Andy and Myfanwy!

(Where both the bride and bridegroom were brought up in single-parent families adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 6 and 7.)

We now must consider the thorny subject of speeches at second (and subsequent) weddings. Some people believe it best to make absolutely no reference to previous marriages. However, this tactic can backfire – especially if any of their children are present. For this reason others prefer to stop any gossipers in their tracks by being quite open about this aspect of their pasts. Why not ask the couple how they would like you to play it? If they want you to take the second approach, model speeches 8 to 10 should help.

Model speech 8: Bride’s father

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the bride has been married before.

Richard, for you this is a first marriage and a time of hope and excitement. For Elizabeth it is a second marriage. You are truly honoured. Despite all the difficulties of her first marriage, she decided she simply had to try again. You must have had some effect on her. This is a new start and, if you will forgive the cliché, today really is the first day of the rest of your lives. We all wish you everything that you wish yourselves and I would now like to propose a toast to your health and happiness.

To Richard and Elizabeth!

Model speech 9: Bride’s father

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the bridegroom has been married before.

Anne, for you this is a first marriage and a time of hope and anticipation. For Henry it is a second marriage. When he met you he decided that he simply had to marry again despite the difficulties of his first attempt. Anne, you must have had some effect on him. And think of it this way: the man you are marrying has already had the sharp corners rubbed off and he is already house-trained, so you won’t have to bother with sandpaper or a litter tray.

But seriously, we sincerely hope you will always enjoy life together. This is a new start and, as they say, it is the first day of the rest of your lives. So let’s raise our glasses and drink a toast to the health and happiness of Anne and Henry.

To Anne and Henry!

Model speech 10: Bride’s father, close family friend or relative

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where both parties have been divorced or widowed at least once.

(Obviously, you will need to word your speech carefully, according to whether the parties have been widowed and/or divorced, and how long ago this happened.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, all marriages are special occasions but a second marriage is an unsurpassable event because no one goes into it looking through rose-tinted glasses. You know what kind of problems must be faced and what sort of mistakes must be avoided. And, of course, it is impossible to avoid such pitfalls until you first know they are there.

It cannot be easy later in life to put away the past and begin again but we know you have all the qualities needed to make this new chapter of your lives a great success. Everyone has the right to happiness – the grandmother as much as the granddaughter.

So we are all delighted that your times of loneliness and sadness are behind you. This is another chance to find true happiness; a time of renewed hope. And it is an honour for us to be here to share this new beginning with you. We are confident that you will now receive all the joy you so richly deserve. I know I speak for everyone present when I say we wish you all the very best for a wonderful future together. Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in a toast to the health and happiness of Joan and Peter.

To Joan and Peter!

While we are considering potentially tricky situations, we must think about the kind of things you should say where the couple already has at least one child. Once again, it’s best to ask them first, but a short, light, slightly humorous speech is safest.

Model speech 11: Bride’s father

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the couple already has at least one child.

Ladies and Gentlemen, marriage is an institution – but who wants to live in an institution? Well, here are two young people who have decided that their lives will be even happier in this institution – and we are delighted that they have.

For most people marriage is a bit of a lottery. Sometimes they find that the person they have married doesn’t seem to be the same person they were engaged to. Bob and Paula don’t need to worry about this. They know each other so well by now that they are certain their marriage will be a success. In many ways they have been far more sensible than the majority of us in finding this out before they tied the knot.

A successful marriage involves falling in love many, many times – but each time with the same person. We know Bob and Paula will continue to do this and will make sure that little Jodie is brought up in a strong, loving family unit – which is exactly how it should be. I was going to wish you both the best of luck for the future, but you have already proved that you don’t need luck. So instead I will invite everyone to join me in a toast. Ladies and Gentlemen, let us drink to the health and happiness of Bob and Paula.

To Bob and Paula!

But perhaps only one of the couple is already a parent. Ask them if they want you to be open about this in your speech. If they do, you could say something similar to model speech 12.

Model speech 12: Bride’s father

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the bridegroom already has at least one child.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an historic day! This day, the 14th of March, will always be associated with three truly momentous events. The Russian Revolution ended in 1917; Michael Caine was born in 1933 (not a lot of people know that); and on this day in 200X, Mike married Sarah!

You know, it seems just like yesterday when I came home and found little Sarah grooming the dog. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said, ‘I’ll put your toothbrush back in the bathroom afterwards, like I always do.’ Well, from today she won’t need my toothbrush because now she’s got her very own groom.

During the time I’ve known Mike, I like to think we’ve become friends. At the same time Martha and I have also become great friends with his parents, Tom and Barbara. Then, of course, there is little Wendy. And who could not fall for her? But you know you can’t fool kids. They are true judges of character and they tell it like it is. So I am absolutely delighted that Wendy loves Sarah as much as Sarah so clearly loves her.

I am reminded of a quotation by Bertrand Russell – reminded, that is, by Martha who looked it up last night: ‘Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.’ I am delighted that Sarah and Mike have thrown caution to the wind. Mike is a man who knows where he is going in life and I am confident he is the right man for Sarah. So can I ask you all to stand, raise your glasses, and drink a toast with me to the health and happiness of Sarah and Mike.

To Sarah and Mike!

Model speech 13: Bride’s father

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the bride already has at least one child.

Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Some talk of Alexander, and some of Hercules, and Hector and Lysander and such great names as these.’ But I would rather talk about Sergeant and Mrs Wilson – about Terry and June.

June has been the best daughter any parents could have asked for – she is beautiful, charming, intelligent and, well, perfect in every way. She does everything for me – she even wrote this speech. Terry, June does admit to having one or two small faults but she insists that ever being wrong isn’t one of them. And you certainly weren’t wrong in choosing her.

I’ve known Terry for over two years now and he has proved himself to be a reliable, hard-working young man. And he gets on brilliantly with young David. You know you can’t fool kids. They are true judges of character. And if they don’t like you they won’t pretend they do. Well, David does like Terry – very much indeed. And I know the feeling is reciprocal.

Bob Hope once said, ‘Marriage is an institution and no family should be without one.’ How I agree. Quite simply, Terry and June make a perfect match. So I ask you all to join me in drinking a toast to their health and happiness.

To Terry and June!

Model speech 14: Bride’s father

Informal wedding party.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming to celebrate this happiest of days. I would like to propose a toast to the happy couple, Pamela and Billy. May they enjoy good fortune, continued good health and immense happiness in their future together. May problems follow them all then-lives – and never catch up with them.

To Pamela and Billy!

Model speech 15: A close family friend, relative or godfather

Informal wedding party – where the bride’s father is present but does not make a speech.

Friends, I am honoured to have been asked to say a few words on this happy occasion. We all know that Judy and Richard are such fun-loving people [or talented, lively, warm-hearted, generous, or clever people] and that they are certain to bring the best out in one another. We wish them a long and happy marriage together and I ask you now to raise your glasses and drink to Judy and Richard.

To Judy and Richard!

Model speech 16: A close family friend, relative or godfather

Informal wedding party – where the bride’s father is recently deceased.

Friends, it gives me special pleasure to be present at the wedding of my good friends Alf and Else. This is a lovely, small, intimate gathering of friends, which is just the way the happy couple wanted it. We all have personal knowledge of Alf’s loyal friendship and kindness and we are delighted that he has married Else who is equally admired and respected for her qualities of generosity and warm-heartedness. How proud Arthur would have been of her today. Doesn’t she look wonderful? I know how much Arthur was looking forward to this day and in a way, I feel we’re making this speech together. Let’s all rejoice that his wishes for his daughter’s happiness have now come true. So will you join me in drinking a toast to Alf and Else?

To Alf and Else!

Model speech 17: Bride’s father

Informal wedding party – where one of the bridegroom’s parents is recently deceased.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all so much for joining my daughter, Alice and my new son, Danny, as they celebrate their first day of married life together. Few words are necessary because you know them both so well. You know what a determined young lady Alice is and how proud Rosemary and I are of her recent promotion. And you know what a charming, humorous and hard-working young man Danny is and how proud his dad, Frank, was of him. In a sense I feel he is celebrating here with his wife, Betty, because, like me, Frank believed they were made for each other. So let’s raise our glasses and drink to Alice and Danny.

To Alice and Danny!

(Where both the bride and bridegroom have recently lost a parent adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 16 and 17.)

Model speech 18: Bride’s mother

Informal wedding party – where the bride was brought up in a single-parent family.

Ladies and Gentlemen – Friends, I would like to propose a toast to the best daughter in the world and to the man who has been her husband for [look at your watch], for 581/2 minutes – precisely. I am confident that they have a bright future together. I’m not losing a daughter, I’m gaining a son. So I ask you all to raise your glasses and to drink to their health and happiness.

To Susan and George!

Model speech 19: A close family friend, relative or godfather

Informal wedding party – where the bride was brought up in a single-parent family and her mother (or father) does not want to speak.

I am very honoured that Mary has asked me to propose a toast to the happy couple. We all know Wilma and Fred as fun-loving people [or generous, or warm-hearted people] who are sure to bring the best out in one another. They deserve the very best, so let’s wish them a long and happy married life together.

Has everyone got a drink? Good. To Wilma and Fred!

Model speech 20: Bride’s father

Informal wedding party – where the bridegroom was brought up in a single-parent family.

Friends, today has been a very happy day for all of us, and nobody in this room looks happier than the young couple sitting there. Obviously I know Esther very well and I can tell you, Desmond, you have made a very wise choice. Over the last year or so I’ve also got to know Desmond and his delightful mother, Rebecca, and I can tell you, Esther, you’ve made an equally wise choice. You were both made for each other.

Have you all got a drink? Good. Let’s drink a toast to Esther and Desmond. To Esther and Desmond!

(Where both the bride and bridegroom were brought up in single-parent families adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 19 and 20.)

Model speech 21: Best man

Informal wedding party with no bridesmaids.

I am very honoured, as I’m sure you are, to be here among this select little gathering today. We are all close friends or relatives of the happy couple, which is exactly how Tom and Jenny wanted it. Few words are necessary because you all already know of Jenny’s unique qualities of kindness, loyalty and friendship. And we all admire the way Tom has worked so hard to get his new business off the ground. We wish him well. So all I will say is that I know I speak for you all when I say we are absolutely delighted that they have decided to tie the knot. Quite simply, they were meant for each other. So let’s raise our glasses and drink to their health and happiness.

To Tom and Jenny!

RESPONDING TO THE TOAST AND PROPOSING A SECOND TOAST

The bridegroom responds to the toast to the bride and bridegroom making it clear he is speaking on behalf of both of them (unless his bride is going to speak as well – see speech 38). You must convey that you are conscious of the meaning of the occasion and its importance to you. It is really a general thank you speech. You thank the previous speaker for his or her kind words, your parents and your wife’s for being such wonderful parents, the gathering for their good wishes and gifts, and all those who have helped to make the wedding ceremony and reception such successes. You then say some nice things about the bridesmaids before proposing a toast to them. If there are no bridesmaids and no maid/matron of honour, the toast is to your parents-in-law (see speech 40).

The speech should be very sentimental and should include the right balance of humour and seriousness. There is no hard and fast rule about what this balance should be. It really comes down to common sense. For example, if the bride or bridegroom was brought up in a single-parent family, it would be inappropriate to talk at any length about the sanctity of the institution of marriage. So, to a large extent, the content of your speech should reflect and be in tone with your background and personal circumstances, and with those of your wife.

Model speech 22: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception.

Reverend Green, Ladies and Gentlemen, we are told that marriage is a lottery. Well if it is, then I have hit the jackpot. Quite simply, I’m the luckiest man in the world to have a wife like Karen and to have friends like you to join us on this our happiest day. Happiest day so far that is because in the words of Karen’s favourite Carpenters’ song, ‘We’ve only just begun. So much of life ahead. A kiss for luck [blow her a kiss] and we’re on our way.’ Yes Karen, we’ve only just begun.

But I’ve been lucky in so many other ways as well. Lucky in having the best parents in the world. Parents who knew that the most important thing they could do for their children was to love each other. Lucky in my new parents-in-law. What a horrible expression that is – parents-in-law. Let’s call them parents-by-marriage. I’d like to thank them for giving us such a lovely wedding and reception, and, even more, for producing a daughter like Karen. And no one could have been luckier in their choice of best man. Doesn’t he look terrific? I know he won’t mind if I let you into a little secret – Alec always wears that suit when he goes to our monthly rugby social evenings. As we left for church this morning his five-year-old son, Christian, grabbed him by the sleeve and asked why he was wearing it today when he knew it always gave him such a headache the next morning.

But let’s face it, Karen is a very lucky lady too. No, I don’t mean because she married me, although I suppose she could have done worse. No, I mean because today she too has gained two wonderful parents-by-marriage. And she is lucky in the support she has received from her charming bridesmaids. I know how helpful they have been to Karen, not only today but in those long weeks of preparation that brides go in for. So before I sit down I ask you to join me in showing your gratitude to Tracy, Sharon and Dorien by offering them a toast.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 23: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception – where the bride’s father is recently deceased.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I [pause for laughter and applause] would like to thank you all for your generous gifts. I cannot imagine a happier way to start married life than with our friends and family around us, but you really have been ridiculously over-generous with your gifts.

I have a few personal thank-yous to make too. George, I do not deserve the good things you have said of me – but I will try to deserve them, and to be worthy of my wife. Oh, how proud Henry would have been of Clare today. Doesn’t she look wonderful? Thank you, Victoria, for allowing me to marry your beautiful daughter and for arranging this magnificent reception. And thanks also to my own parents. Both Clare and I have been very fortunate having grown up knowing the real meaning of marriage through the example of our parents.

Then of course I must thank James for being best man, though I’m not sure how thankful to be because I haven’t heard his speech yet. And a special word of thanks is due to Hans and Gretel, my dear friends who have travelled all the way from Holland to be with us today. Hans, I’ve got a couple of bottles of schnapps in. Thank you both so much for coming – dank U wel.

Finally, what can I say about the bridesmaids, the charming young ladies who did such a great job in helping Clare up the aisle – although I hope she came to the church of her own free will. They have been wonderful and have added so much to the occasion, so please join me in drinking a toast to Victoria, Petunia, Primrose and Zinnia.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 24: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception – where one of his parents is recently deceased.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all so much for coming to our wedding and for being so generous with all your gifts. Carol will certainly find the lawn mower and electric drill useful and I will make full use of the deck chairs and the portable TV. Only joking, Carol. I’d like to take this opportunity to make a few personal thank-yous too. Martin, thank you for those kind words – but why didn’t you give me your tip for the National? [This reference to the National shows the bridegroom was listening to the first speaker – and responding to what he said – because it was not in his draft speech.] And thanks to you and Gail for producing a daughter such as Carol, and for laying on this wonderful reception. Thanks too to my mother simply for being my mother. Mum, Dad loved Carol almost as much as I do – almost as much. And how I agree with Martin that we can rejoice in the fact that the marriage he so much wanted has now taken place. [Another unrehearsed response to the earlier speech.] In a sense, I feel he is celebrating with us.

A special word of thanks is due to our attendants. My best man, Carl, is a man of hidden talents. I just hope that one day he’ll find them. No, thanks Carl, you did a great job today. And so did these charming young bridesmaids. Don’t they look a picture? Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please join me in drinking a toast to the bridesmaids?

The bridesmaids!

(Where both the bride and groom have recently lost a parent adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 23 and 24.)

Model speech 25: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception – where the bride was brought up in a single-parent family.

Reverend Goodman, Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks for those kind words, Mum. My wife and I [pause], oh how I’ve waited to say those words. My wife and I are delighted that you were able to come to our wedding. I can’t imagine a happier way to start married life than with our families and friends around us. And thank you all so much for your gifts. With all these saucepans and toasters it looks like I’m going to have to get used to boiled toast. But seriously, we do sincerely thank you for the wonderful gifts you have given us.

I have a couple of personal thank-yous to make, too. I am especially grateful to Mary, my new mother-in-law, for helping arrange this reception and even more for bringing up Dora so well that she has become the lady you see before you today. And, of course, thanks to my parents for their contribution to today’s festivities and for teaching me the difference between right and wrong, so I know which I’m enjoying at any particular time. Thanks must also go to Ian, my best man, who got me to the church on time.

I am also delighted that Auntie Hilda and Uncle Horace managed to make the long journey from Glasgow to be with us here today. Did you take the high road or the low road? Finally my sincere thanks go to the bridesmaids. They were wonderful and so well behaved. I know you will want to join me in drinking a toast to the delightful young ladies who supported Dora so well on her big day.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 26: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception – where he was brought up in a single-parent family.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I [pause] are so pleased you are here to share what is the happiest day of our lives – so far. Thank you so much for your wonderful gifts – they really are exactly what we needed. I hope to get round to thanking you all personally later.

But first I would like to say a few other thank-yous. First and foremost to Flo: thank you for marrying me. And thanks to her parents for making me feel like one of the family – and, of course, for arranging this wonderful gathering. Thanks, too, to my mother. In the fullness of time, if I am half as good at being one parent as my mother has been at being two, I will have succeeded beyond my wildest expectations.

And doesn’t Radha look a picture – a real dandy. But I’ll let you into a secret: he borrowed that suit from me. To be fair, he had ordered one but the trousers had to be altered. Yesterday they told him they wouldn’t be ready in time. So he’s going to sue them for promise of breeches. Now it is my duty – no, my pleasure to propose a toast to the bridesmaids. They all did their jobs magnificently. Please stand, raise your glasses, and drink a toast to the bridesmaids.

The bridesmaids!

(Where both the bride and bridegroom were brought up in single-parent families adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 25 and 26.)

We must now consider the situations where the bridegroom and/or the bride have been married before. Some people decide to make no reference to this whatsoever, while others are quite open about it. It is entirely up to you. However, if you decide to take the first option, make sure that the person who proposes the opening toast, and your best man, are not going to say anything about it either. On the other hand, if you choose the second option, speeches 27 to 29 should help.

Model speech 27: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the bride has been married before.

Ladies and Gentlemen – Friends, I would like to say a few sincere thank-yous. First, thank you all for coming to our wedding, for your good wishes and for your most generous gifts. And of course thank you, Elizabeth, for taking me on. I promise that for you this will be second time lucky. Thanks also to Charles for those wise words. Yes, I am honoured. [This was said in response to the first speaker – it was not in the draft speech.] And thanks to you and Camilla for accepting me so readily into your family and also for laying on this wonderful reception/party. Then how could I forget my parents? Thanks Mam and Dad for everything you have done for me over the years. I will always be grateful. Always. And what about that dashing young man over there. Steve, thank you for making sure everything ran so smoothly today. And finally, I must say a word about the bridesmaids. They were charming and so elegant in everything they did. So please join me in a toast to the bridesmaids.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 28: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the bridegroom has been married before.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you so much for attending our wedding and for all these splendid gifts. I would like to offer a few personal thank-yous as well. First and foremost, thank you, Anne, for marrying me. This time I am not marrying for better or for worse – I am marrying for good. And thanks to your parents for producing such a beautiful daughter and for arranging this wonderful reception/party. Thanks, too, to my parents – not least for having me. And also to Zack for getting me to the church on time. Finally, my thanks must go to the charming young ladies who did such a great job in helping Anne up the aisle. Please join me in a toast to the brides-maids.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 29: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where both parties have been divorced or widowed at least once.

(You will need to word your speech very carefully, according to whether you and your wife have been widowed and/or divorced, and also how long ago this happened.)

Thank you, James, for those wise words. Joan and I know how lucky we are to have this second chance in life and we have decided to grab it with both hands. In the words of the old song, ‘We’re not so old, and not so plain, and we’re quite prepared to marry again’. Whatever we may have said during the wedding ceremony, we are not marrying for better or worse – we are marrying for good.

My wife and I [pause] want to thank you all for coming to our wedding today, and for your lovely gifts. A particular word of thanks is due to James and Joyce for laying on this wonderful reception/party. Next, I must thank Rolf, who was undoubtedly the best man to get me to the church on time. And finally, my thanks go to Ena, Martha and Minnie, those charming young ladies who did such a wonderful job today. Ladies and Gentlemen, will you now all join me in drinking a toast to the bridesmaids?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

But what if you already have one or more children? You may decide not to make any reference to this in your speech. However, this could seem a little odd, because the guests are certain to already know about your child(ren). Whatever you decide, make sure all the other speech makers know precisely how you want them to play it so none of them will say anything out of turn. If you do decide to refer to your family, the following is the sort of thing you should say.

Model speech 30: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the couple already has at least one child.

Thank you for those kind words. My wife and I [pause] are delighted you came to our wedding. As they say, better late than never. You see we needed a new toaster and a few saucepans and as Argos was closed ...

I’d like to take this opportunity to say a few personal thank-yous. First and foremost to Paula for marrying me. To her parents for being such great people and for arranging this wonderful reception/party. To my parents for being the best parents in the world. To Robin for being my best man and my best friend. And finally, to the most charming set of bridesmaids I have ever seen – Rita, Audrey, Vera and our lovely daughter, Jodie. So will you all kindly stand and drink a toast to these delightful bridesmaids.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

But perhaps only one of you is already a parent. If you decide not to make any reference to this, make sure nobody else is going to either. However, if you are going to be quite open about it, speeches 31 and 32 should be of help.

Model speech 31: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where he already has a child.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I [pause] thank you all for your generous gifts. I’d like to add a few personal thank-yous, too. To Sarah’s parents, George and Martha, for laying on this wonderful reception/wedding party and, even more, for producing Sarah. George, thank you for those wise words. I do not deserve the good things you said of me, but I shall try to deserve them, and be worthy of my family – my daughter, Wendy, and her mother, Sarah. Thanks, too, to my parents for being so supportive over the years. You could not have done more. And thank you, Ken, for getting me to the church on time. But my greatest thanks must go to Sarah – for marrying me.

It is my final duty – no, pleasure – to thank the bridesmaids for helping Sarah up the aisle. Don’t they look a picture? Will you all join me in drinking a toast to them?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 32: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where his wife already has a child.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you, Peter, for those wise words. My wife and I [pause] would like to thank you all for coming to our wedding and for your most generous gifts. I’d like to take this opportunity to add a few personal thank-yous too. Thanks to June’s parents, Peter and Sandra, for arranging this wonderful reception/wedding party and, of course, for arranging June. Thanks to my parents, Nick and Sue, for everything they have done for me over the years – far too much for me to even begin to describe here today. Thank you. And thanks to Alan for being the best best man a bridegroom could have hoped for. But most of all, thanks to June for taking me on. I will try my hardest to be a worthy husband and father.

Finally, what can I say about that delightful set of bridesmaids over there? They were magnificent. Please join me in drinking a toast to them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 33: Bridegroom’s reply

Informal wedding party.

Ladies and Gentlemen – Friends, my wife and I [pause] want to say a sincere thank-you for coming to our wedding and for being so generous with your presents. And I want to say thank you on my own behalf to Kylie for taking me on, to her parents for producing such a wonderful daughter, to my parents for being so supportive to me over the years, and to my best man, John, who made sure everything ran so smoothly. I have one final duty – no, it is not a duty, it is a genuine pleasure. I have the pleasure of proposing a toast to the health of the young ladies who supported Kylie so magnificently today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 34: Bridegroom’s reply

Informal wedding party – where the bride’s father is recently deceased.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I [pause] are delighted that you found the time to join us here today. It has made such a difference to have been surrounded by our closest friends on this, our big day. We have been overwhelmed by your kindness and generosity. Jenny’s mother has been wonderful. We all know what a very difficult time she has been through recently but she insisted on helping with all our preparations and I am sure that her daughter’s wedding will have provided a bright light in what must have otherwise been a very dark year for her. Margaret, thank you so much for all your support. I can promise you that you haven’t lost a daughter, you’ve gained a son. They say a girl grows up to be like her mother – well I can only hope it’s true.

And I mustn’t forget my parents. Their help, like Margaret’s, has been above and beyond the call of duty.

Then there is Geraint, my best man. We met at university and I can tell you that those of you who don’t know him are the luckiest people in the world – because the pleasure of getting to know him lies ahead of you.

Finally, I must mention the bridesmaids who have done so much to help my wife. Don’t they look a picture? Let’s all drink a toast to them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 35: Bridegroom’s reply

Informal wedding party – where one of his parents is recently deceased.

Thank you, Bruce, for those kind words. My wife and I [pause] are delighted you could all make it to our wedding today. And thank you so much for your generous gifts. I hope to be able to thank you all personally later. Thanks, too, to Alice’s mum and dad, Bruce and Rosemary, for allowing me to marry their beautiful daughter and for arranging this magnificent party. And thanks, of course, must also go to my mum who has done so much for me – much more than I could possibly begin to tell you about here. And dad was so much looking forward to today that I agree, Bruce, in a special sort of way he’s sitting here with us with that wicked smile on his face, joining in with all the toasts. [Obviously, this was a response to something said in an earlier speech and it was not in his draft.]

I would also like to thank Desmond for being such an efficient best man. Although I’m not sure how thankful to be because I haven’t heard his speech yet.

Finally, thanks to these delightful young ladies who have done a great job in helping Alice up the aisle – although I hope she came to the church of her own free will. So will you all stand and join me in drinking a toast to the bridesmaids?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

(Where both the bride and bridegroom have recently lost a parent adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 34 and 35.)

Model speech 36: Bridegroom’s reply

Informal wedding party – where the bride was brought up in a single-parent family.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may not realise it but this is a truly historic day. This day, the 16th of May, will always be remembered because of three world-famous events. The first Oscars were awarded in 1929; singer Janet Jackson was born in 1966; and on this day in 200X, I married Michelle!

My wife and I [pause] want to thank you all for attending this little gathering and for your very useful gifts. I would also like to offer a few personal thank-yous. To Beth, my new mother-in-law, for bringing up her daughter to become the charming, witty and considerate lady I was fortunate enough to marry today. To my parents, Jayne and Christopher, for having me – and for much, much more than that. To Branwell for being the best best man a groom could hope for. And to Charlotte, Emily and Ann for being such delightful bridesmaids. In fact, I think we should drink a toast to them, don’t you?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

Model speech 37: Bridegroom’s reply

Informal wedding party – where he was brought up in a single-parent family.

Thank you, Gavin, for those kind words. My wife and I [pause] would like to thank you all for attending our wedding and for your most generous gifts and good wishes. If I could also add one or two personal thank-yous ... Thank you to Esther’s parents, Gavin and Ruth, for so readily accepting me as one of their family. To my mother, Rebecca, for being the best mum in the world. To Howard for not losing the ring. And to the charming bridesmaids, Isra and Caroline for doing such a magnificent job today. Will you all join me in drinking a toast to them?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

(Where both the bride and bridegroom were brought up in single-parent families adapt and personalise the relevant parts of speeches 36 and 37.)

It is not necessary for the bride to make a speech, but if she wants to the number and order of speeches will need to be revised, perhaps to:

• 1.Toast to the bride and groom by the bride’s father.
• 2.Response by the bridegroom (omitting the toast to the bridesmaids).
• 3.Response by the bride.
• 4.Toast to the bridesmaids by a close friend, relative or godfather.
• 5.Response by the best man.

What follows is the sort of thing the bride should say:

Model speech 38: Bride’s response

Formal reception or informal wedding party.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very glad to break with tradition and say a few words of my own on this happy occasion. This is the happiest day in my life since I was in the arms of another woman’s husband – my mother’s. Mum told me the only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby – so I still have time to change Shane. Thank you all for your generous gifts, thanks to Shane’s parents for making me feel I am their daughter, and to my parents for more than I could ever begin to tell. Thank you.

Model speech 39: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where there are no bridesmaids, but there is a maid/matron of honour.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I [pause] thank you all so much for coming to our wedding and for bringing these wonderful gifts. We would particularly like to thank our parents for all the support they have given us over the years and our mothers in particular for arranging this superb reception/party. Our thanks also must go to Damian, my best man, and to Marlene, Kelly’s maid of honour. They were magnificent. In fact, would you join me and drink a toast to Damian and Marlene?

Ladies and Gentlemen, to Damian and Marlene!

Where there are no bridesmaids and no maid/matron of honour, the toast is to your parents-in-law.

Model speech 40: Bridegroom’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where there are no bridesmaids and no maid/matron of honour.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I [pause] are delighted you were able to join us on this, our happiest day. It goes almost without saying what a difference it makes to have our closest friends here with us. Thank you so much for your kind wishes and your wonderful presents. Thanks also to Jayne’s parents for making me really feel like one of the family – which of course I now am – and to my parents for everything they have done for me over the years. Finally, my thanks go to Jimmy for not losing the ring.

I cannot begin to tell you how happy Jenny and I are today. I wish the whole world could be feeling the same way and I hope you all enjoy a wonderful afternoon/evening. Please raise your glasses and join me in drinking a toast to our generous hosts, two wonderful people, my new parents-in-law, George and Mildred.

To George and Mildred!

RESPONDING ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS

Rather oddly, it is traditional for the best man to respond to the toast to the brides-maids. All that is required is acknowledgement of the toast, and a few light-hearted and humorous words about the bridegroom – with a couple of compliments and congratulatory remarks woven in.

While you could also tell a joke or two against yourself, never say a single word against the bride or her mother (although a teasing remark about the bride’s job or hobby would not be out of place). A little flippancy is fine, but you must avoid anything that could be considered too risque, offensive or cynical. Also steer well clear of any emotional or serious issues – such weighty matters are the prerogative of the bride’s father and the bridegroom.

Don’t just string a series of jokes together either – you are not a stand-up comedian. Your overall purpose is to respond to the toast to the bridesmaids and to return a few sincere congratulatory remarks to the happy couple. The best way to do this in an amusing and entertaining manner is to sugar some teasing remarks with a few sincere words of praise and compliments.

Because this is a very jokey, upbeat speech, the backgrounds and circumstances of the bride and bridegroom (from a single-parent family; parent recently deceased; married before, and so on) are largely irrelevant, although obviously you must take care to avoid saying anything insensitive. For example, if the groom’s father died of a coronary, don’t say he had a heart of gold.

If you are the final speaker, signal this by reading the tele-messages immediately after finishing your speech (having first checked that they are not X-rated). If there are to be more speeches (see speeches 49 and 50), stand up, pointedly look at the clock, and read the messages after the final speaker to ensure he really is the final speaker.

Try to keep the tele-message session interesting by giving a few background details about the contents of the messages and about the people who sent them. Crack a joke if the moment seems right. As always, aim to end on a particularly high note. You could end with the funniest or most emotional message, or with one from some relatives who live on the other side of the world, or perhaps with one from some very old family friends (in both senses of the phrase). Alternatively, you could simply make up the last message. However, if you do this, you must make it obvious to everyone that this is a joke: ‘And finally, this is from the writer who created Jeeves and Wooster – P.G. Wodehouse. It says, “All unhappy marriages are a result of the husband having brains”. I have total confidence this marriage will be an exceptionally happy one.’

Model speech 41: Best man’s reply

Formal reception – Example 1.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you, Kevin, for those kind words about the bridesmaids and attendants. It has been a pleasure for all of us to be a small part of your big day. And what about the dresses chosen by Sally and her mother Denise? They have attracted so much favourable comment from the guests here that I have to give them a special mention. [Pause for cries of ‘Hear, hear’.] [This reference to their dresses obviously was not in his draft speech.]

Before I say a word or two about our groom, I must admit that I have made a very similar little speech about Kevin twice before – once to the Ashford’s Arsonists’ Association and once to the Clitheroe’s Clog-dancers Club. So I apologise to those of you who may have already heard it once before. And to those of you who have already heard it twice, please don’t burn my shoes.

As Max Bygraves used to say, I wanna tell you a story, because I think it sums up nicely the kind of man Sally has married. Soon after we met, Kevin invited me to his eighteenth birthday party. At the time I knew hardly anyone in Manchester – in fact I was getting a bit depressed with life. Kevin didn’t really know me either – I was an acquaintance of a friend of a friend. But despite this he absolutely insisted I came to his do. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and he almost forced details of his address upon me. For the first time since I moved here, I felt wanted.

He said, ‘A number 23 bus will bring you right to my door – 9 Rosamond Street. Walk up to the front door and press the doorbell with your elbow.’ ‘Why my elbow, Kev?’ I asked. ‘Because you’ll have a bottle of wine under one arm, a box of chocolates under the other, a four-pack in one hand and my pressie in the other, won’t you?’ he replied. Yes, Sally, that’s the kind of man you’ve married.

Have you noticed how few single people were invited here today? That was Kevin’s idea as well. He’s not stupid, despite rumours to the contrary. He told me that if he invited only married people all the presents would be clear profit. But in all honesty, Kevin doesn’t know the meaning of the word meanness. Mind you he doesn’t know the meaning of lots of other words either.

Talking of the meaning of words, do you know what the name Kevin actually means? Well, believe it or not, it comes from the Celtic word for handsome. Ridiculous isn’t it? On the other hand, the name Sally means princess and who could argue with that?

When I asked Kevin about today’s wedding arrangements, he said, ‘Oh, I’ll leave all that to you. But I do want Bells, and get at least a dozen bottles.’ Well I don’t know about Bells, but I work with Kevin at Fenn Street School and I can tell you he is one of the best Teachers I know.

Kevin, you are a very lucky man to have married Sally – but then again Sally, you are an equally lucky lady to have married Kevin, and on behalf of the bridesmaids, I wish you both love and happiness!

Now I believe there have been one or two tele-messages...

Model speech 42: Best man’s reply

Formal reception – Example 2.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you, John, for those kind words about the bridesmaids. Personally, though, I would have gone even further. They are the most delightful set of bridesmaids I have ever seen. Be honest, today you are blinkered and you only have eyes for Janet – and who can blame you?

As Henry VIII said to each of his wives in turn, ‘I shall not keep you long.’ The reason for this is quite simple: I’m now supposed to sing the bridegroom’s praises and tell you all about his good points. Unfortunately, I can’t sing, and I can’t think of any good points to tell you about – but I shall try.

What can I say about John that has not already been said in open court? There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him and I know there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me. In fact, we spend our lives doing nothing for each other.

But I must be very careful what I say about a dentist because one day I could find myself a captive audience in his chair, staring up at the ceiling – and I’ve seen Marathon Man. Last week I arranged to meet him after work at his surgery. I’d had trouble with the car and he said he’d take a look at it. I was a bit early so I glanced through the magazines and newspapers he provides for his patients in the waiting room. Wasn’t it terrible about the Titanic? He did a great job on the car – but later it cost me £200 to have it overhauled. I was speeding down the M4 when a police car overhauled it.

That’s one thing no one can accuse John of – speeding. Everything he does is calm and measured and he will never take any short-cuts. I remember at school we all had to count the traffic going past the main gate. Once Old Chalky – Mr White, our form teacher – had gone, we all went off and played soccer – all but John, of course, who spent the whole afternoon – yes, counting cars. The rest of us agreed we’d all report roughly the same number of cars, lorries and motor bikes to Old Chalky, so John got told off because all his answers were miles out from everybody else’s.

But, looking back on it, that afternoon demonstrated how reliable and single-minded he is. It also shows he won’t take the easy way out by going along with the crowd when he knows the crowd is wrong – or maybe it showed he doesn’t like soccer. What it definitely did show was that he possessed something every aspiring dentist needs – patience, in both senses of the word. And today, John, your patience has been rewarded.

I can’t understand why Janet chose you rather than me. But I suppose that it proves men have better taste than women. After all, John chose Janet, but Janet chose John. So now I come to my final wedding day duty which isn’t a duty really – it’s a real pleasure: on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself I sincerely wish you and your lovely wife, Janet, everlasting love and happiness!

Model speech 43: Best man’s reply

Formal reception – Example 3.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve been best man once before. I think it went OK last time – the couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they’re not actually talking to each other. I thought Ruth knew Mark had slept with her younger sister before I mentioned it in my speech – but perhaps the fact he’d slept with her mother came as a surprise.

On such an illustrious day as this it seems odd for me to be called best man. After all, who pays attention to a man in my position today? They all say, ‘Doesn’t the bride look radiant?’ – which she does, and ‘What a charming set of bridesmaids’ – which they are, and ‘What a dashing bridegroom’ – which he isn’t. But who says, ‘What a fine figure of a man the best man is’ – which, so very obviously, he is. No, if they notice me at all, they think I’m a waiter or a chauffeur. One lady, who shall remain nameless, even asked if my name was Brad and had I been sent to meet her by the Lonely Hearts Club Escort Agency. But enough of my troubles.

When I made my other wedding speech a man fell asleep. I asked a pageboy to wake him and do you know what the little horror replied? He said, ‘You wake him. You were the one who put him to sleep.’ Well, today, to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again, I promise to be brief.

You know, this really is a truly historic day! This day, the 21st of July, will always be associated with three of the great events of the last hundred years. Funnyman Robin Williams was born in 1952; Neil Armstrong took a giant leap for mankind in 1969; and on this day in 200X, William married Mary. So in 1969 it was Neil Armstrong, but today it is William who is over the moon.

We all know he likes a bit of a flutter and he told me he once dreamt he won eight million on the lottery. ‘What would you do about all the begging letters if you ever did win that much?’ I asked. ‘Oh, I’d still keep sending them,’ he replied. Well, today, William, you are not dreaming, and I can tell you you really have hit the jackpot. On behalf of the bridesmaids and myself I wish you both love and everlasting happiness!

Model speech 44: Best man’s reply

Informal wedding party – Example 1.

Thank you for those kind words. The bridesmaids and I have really enjoyed this wonderful occasion. Layla said she wanted a simple wedding – and that’s exactly what she got – starting with the groom. He is the most independent salesman I know – I can’t remember the last time he took an order from anyone. He is also an avid book collector. Last week he complained to me that he had so many that he did not know what to do with them. I suggested he tried reading them. He must spend a lot of money on books, but I think things are going to change. As Layla walked up the aisle, and approached the altar, and sang a hymn, I heard her whisper to her dad, ‘Aisle – altar – hymn.’ Dougal, you have been warned. Now before I take a pew, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Layla and Dougal, I wish you peace and harmony!

Model speech 45: Best man’s reply

Informal wedding party – Example 2.

On behalf of all the attendants, I’d like to thank you sincerely for those kind words. It has been a pleasure for us to have been a small part of your big day. They say that marriage is a process whereby the grocer acquires the account that used to be held by the florist. Well if that’s true you won’t find Reg complaining because, as you all know, Reg is a grocer. He tells me times are hard – you have to offer bargains to keep your customers. Have you seen the sign in his window? It says, ‘Eggs still twelve a dozen.’ What a bargain. Well we’re all delighted that Reg has decided to put all his eggs in one basket by marrying Maureen. He couldn’t have made a better choice. And, as sure as eggs is eggs, they can look forward to – dare I say it? – an eggcellent future together. On behalf of the bridesmaids, Maureen and Reg, I wish you everlasting love and happiness!

Model speech 46: Chief bridesmaid’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where the best man does not respond to the toast or, more unusually, where the chief bridesmaid does as well.

Thank you so much for those kind words. I know I also speak for my fellow bridesmaids when I say it has been a real pleasure for us all today. I have known Louise since she joined us at Blackwall eight years ago. Someone had told her to go to blazes so she decided to become a firefighter. I haven’t known Alex for quite so long. He works for BR, but no one is perfect. I suppose he should have been the one carrying Louise’s train today, not us. I told him I had to get home tonight and I asked him the time of the late train to London. ‘Take the 10.15,’ he suggested, ‘that’s usually as late as any.’

But enough of this banter. They say marriage is founded on mutual respect. If that is so then this marriage cannot fail. I know how much Alex respects Louise and Louise has told me her pet name for him, which could hardly be more respectful. She told me that as they sit before an open fire on a cold and damp February evening, and as yet another log is needed, she will turn lovingly to her beloved and say, ‘Alexander – the grate’. Well, Alexander and Louise, we hope and pray that the future is great for you both and on behalf of myself and the other bridesmaids, I wish you everlasting love and happiness!

Model speech 47: Best man’s reply

Formal reception or informal wedding party – where there are no bridesmaids, but there is a maid/matron of honour.

Thank you so much for those kind words. No one knows better than me how much the maid/matron of honour, Marlene, deserves your compliments and thanks. But for Marlene and me it has been a pleasure, not a duty, to have been a small part of your big day. We merely had the enjoyable tasks of assisting and helping to carry out the design and plan for this wedding so ably arranged by Kelly’s parents, Frank and Kim. Not only that, they are such charming hosts and wonderful people that I am sure that everyone present here will want to stand and join Marlene and me in proposing a toast to Frank and Kim.

To Frank and Kim!

Model speech 48: Best man’s reply

Formal reception or informal reception – where there are no bridesmaids.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the last time I made a wedding speech someone at the back shouted, ‘I can’t hear you!, – and a man sitting next to me yelled back, ‘I’ll change places with you!’ [pause]. In order to avoid any possible musical chairs here today, I intend to speak up and then to shut up.

I have been a best man at many weddings and I admitted to Christopher that my track record has not been that brilliant: ‘Could do better’, as they used to write on our school reports. In my time I have lost the ring, gone to the wrong church and lost the honeymoon luggage. But did Chris care about these not-so-rare examples of mal-administration? He did not. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘you won’t have to do a thing. Just leave it all to Jayne’s mum.’ And he was right. Mildred, ably assisted by her husband George, really came up trumps. [If possible, refer to some particularly outstanding feature, such as the beautiful flower arrangements or the magnificent buffet.] They have created the perfect day – one we shall all remember. So I ask you to raise your glasses and to drink a toast to our friends – Jayne’s parents and Christopher’s new in-laws, George and Mildred.

To George and Mildred!

If there are no bridesmaids, the bridegroom may not require a speech by the best man (such as speeches 47 and 48). Instead, he might prefer this arrangement:

• 1.Toast to the couple by a close family friend or relative.
• 2.Response by the bridegroom.
• 3.Response by the bride’s father.

The first speech could be similar to speech 2 or 15, according to whether you are at a formal reception or informal wedding party. The second could be similar to any of the speeches suitable for the bridegroom and the third similar to any of those suitable for the bride’s father, although neither would propose a toast.

It is not uncommon for other guests to speak after the best man (or chief bridesmaid or bridesmaid’s father). However, the danger is that too many people will try to get on the bandwagon, especially after the fire water has flowed liberally. If there are to be any speeches after the reply on behalf of the bridesmaids, it is best to keep other contributions to a minimum, possibly as follows:

• 1.Toast to the hosts by a close friend or relative of the bridegroom.
• 2.Reply by the bride’s father.
• 3.The best man reads the tele-messages.

Model speech 49: Close friend or relative of bridegroom’s toast of thanks to the host and hostess

Ladies and Gentlemen, what a wonderful day this has been. Everything has run so smoothly from the word go. And who do we have to thank for that? Steve was such a fine and efficient best man and the bridesmaids added so much to the occasion. But our greatest thanks must go to our hosts, Christina’s parents and Paul’s new in-laws, Margaret and Denis. After all, they organised this event and frankly I don’t think it could have been bettered. [If possible, mention some particularly outstanding aspect of the day – food, music, dancing or whatever.] I am sure everyone present will want to stand and join me as I propose a toast to our magnificent hosts, Margaret and Denis.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Margaret and Denis!

Model speech 50: Bride’s father’s reply to the toast

A longer reply, similar to one of speeches 1–21, but without the toast, is acceptable if he has not spoken before.

Thank you, Nigel, for those most generous words. I’m only going to speak for a moment or two because of my throat – if I go on any longer than that Margaret has threatened to cut it. Of course, it was an absolute pleasure for us to do our bit to help make the day the success it has so clearly been. But the greatest credit must go to you all for making it such a joyous occasion. You have been fantastic. And I hope you will all continue to have a wonderful time this afternoon/evening!