Think of your speech as a gourmet meal. Your opening lines should serve up a tasty little starter that really whets the audience’s appetite for the main course. Your closing words should provide a delectable and memorable dessert with a delicious aftertaste.

There is no such thing as the best opening lines or the best closing lines for a speech, because every speech - and every speaker – is different. In this chapter you will learn a number of techniques that can be used to open and close a speech. They are all tried and tested, so you don’t need to worry about choosing a dud. Study the options and decide what would work best for your speech – and for you.

There are dozens of ways to put over a great opening line or to deliver an emotionally charged big finish. It’s just a matter of finding the pattern of words that suits your style and has exactly the effect you are after. Work on your lines until you’ve got them spot on. Then memorise them. You must know precisely how you are going to open and close your speech. There is absolutely no room for any ad-libbing here.

GRABBING AN AUDIENCE’S ATTENTION

It is vital to have an opening line that really grabs your audience’s attention. Entertainers call this having a hook. These are four of the best:

• hooking with humour
• hooking with a quotation
• hooking with anniversaries
• hooking with brackets.

The bride’s father can begin his speech directly with one of these hooks, but the bridegroom and best man (and any other speakers) must remember to thank the previous speaker immediately before or soon after hooking their audience. However, to avoid repetition, I have included such thanks only with the first hook.

HOOKING WITH HUMOUR

Opening with a short and relevant joke or anecdote will help to relax you and get the audience laughing and even more on your side than they are already. Here are some possibilities:

Ladies and Gentlemen (thank you, Jim for those kind words ...), as Henry VIII said to each of his wives in turn, ‘I shall not keep you long’.

Ladies and Gentlemen – the ladies is over there [pointing], and the gents is over there [pointing],

Ladies and Gentlemen, I must admit that I have made a very similar speech to this before. Once to the patients in Broadmoor, once to Aberdeen Naturalists’ Group, and once to Penzance Haemorrhoid Sufferers Society – a stand-up buffet. So to those of you who have heard this speech three times already, I apologise.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Clive just asked me, ‘Would you like to speak now, or should we let our guests enjoy themselves a little longer?’

Ladies and Gentlemen, the last time I made a wedding speech someone at the rear shouted, ‘I can’t hear you!’ – and a man sitting next to me yelled back, ‘I’ll change places with you!’

Ladies and Gentlemen, the last time I made a wedding speech a man fell asleep. I asked a pageboy to wake him, and do you know what the little horror replied? He said, ‘You wake him. You were the one who put him to sleep.’

Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start speaking I have something to say.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I feel like the young Arab Sheik who inherited his father’s harem. I know exactly what to do, but where on earth do I begin?

Ladies and Gentlemen – well Brian did ask me to begin with a gag.

Ladies and Gentlemen – who says flattery doesn’t pay?

Ladies and Gentlemen, what can I say about Stephen that hasn’t already been said in open court?

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first time I’ve spoken at a wedding – except during other people’s speeches.

Ladies and Gentlemen, since we must speak well of the dead, our only chance to knock them is while they’re alive. So here goes...

Ladies and Gentlemen, my dad taught me always to remember the ABC and the XYZ of speechmaking. ABC: Always be concise. XYZ: Examine your zip [look down].

Ladies and Gentlemen, first the good news: when I saw Patrick’s new suit/shirt/tie this morning I was absolutely speechless ... Now the bad news: I’ve almost recovered from the shock, and the speech must go on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mary is the best daughter in the world – she’s beautiful, charming, intelligent and, well, perfect in every way. She does everything for me – she even wrote this speech.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is only the second time I’ve ever been a best man. I hope I did the job alright last time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they’re not actually talking to each other ... but I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with me. Apparently Paula knew Piers had slept with her younger sister before I mentioned it in my speech. The fact that he slept with her mother came as a surprise. (Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral). (If you use or adapt this opening, don’t refer to a couple you really know!)

Ladies and Gentlemen, that speech put me in mind of a steer’s horns. There was a sharp point here and a solid point there ... but there was an awful lot of bull in between.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sure you’ll agree that you’ll remember Nick’s speech for the rest of your life. If you have a phenomenal memory ... and have absolutely nothing else to think about ... and you meet with a fatal accident on your way home.

Good ladies, afternoon and gentlemen ... I knew I should have rehearsed this speech.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I won’t take long. This suit has to be back in twenty minutes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I feel this irresistible urge to prove it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, just once in a lifetime you get the opportunity to talk about a man blessed with dynamic charisma, devastating wit, stupendous talent and unstoppable personality ... but until the day comes along, I shall talk about Mark.

[After a formal introduction by a toastmaster] Ladies and Gentlemen, did he say pray for the silence of John Smith?

[After being called upon to give an impromptu speech] Ladies and Gentlemen, I am totally unprepared for this, but, as Big Ben said to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, ‘I’ve got the time if you’ve got the inclination’.

Ladies and gentlemen, my wife and I ... (not a particularly funny hook but a very useful one for a bridegroom because it is guaranteed to raise howls of laughter, cheers and applause).

HOOKING WITH A QUOTATION

Here you simply begin your wedding speech with a short and relevant quotation. You will find plenty of these listed throughout Chapter 3. It is far safer to use a serious quote rather than a cynical one. Begin with something like this:

Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Love is a great force in life, it is indeed the greatest of all things.’ So said E.M. Forster, and E.M. knew what he was talking about ...

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been said that ‘marriages are made in heaven’. Well, I can tell you, this marriage was made in my sitting room ...

Sometimes a quotation associated with the bride’s or bridegroom’s occupation can be adapted to make an excellent and original opening. For example, here are a couple of adaptations suitable for members of the armed services:

Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Some talk of Alexander, and some of Hercules, of Hector and Lysander and such great names as these.’ But I would rather talk about Captain and Mrs Mainwaring.

Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘When he was a lad he served a term. As an office boy to an Attorney’s firm. He cleaned the windows and he swept the floor. And he polished up the handle of the big front door. He polished up that handle so carefullee. That now he’s the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee’ – well, almost, anyway.

HOOKING WITH ANNIVERSARIES

Another wonderful way of grabbing an audience is to tell them that today is a truly historic day, not only because of the recent marriage but also because of other things that happened on this day in years gone by. It is best to mention two things as well as the marriage – probably a famous person’s birth and some other memorable event.

As always, use your own words, but this is the sort of thing you should say:

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a truly historic day! This day, the 18th of June, will always be remembered because of three earth-shattering events. Napoleon finally met his Waterloo at Waterloo in 1815, pop superstar Paul McCartney had his first day on earth in 1942, and on this day in 200X, Angus married Laura!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a day heavy with significance! This very day, the 1st of May, will always be associated with three of the most memorable events of the last hundred years. New York’s Empire State Building opened in 1931, the Absolutely Fabulous Joanna Lumley was born in 1946, and on this day in 200X, Bernard married Lydia!

Get the idea? Below is a list of some famous blasts from the past. Simply look up the date of the wedding and you’ll find an event and birth that also occurred on that day in years gone by. If they don’t seem quite right for your speech, take a look at one or two of the specialist anniversary books listed on page 164.

Famous Anniversaries

January

• 11964 The first edition of Top of the Pops was broadcast. 1967 Actress Michelle Holmes was born.
• 21959 Luna I, the world’s first space probe, was launched. 1967 Actress Nicolle Dickson was born.
• 31924 British archaeologist Howard Carter discovered Tutankhamen’s tomb. 1969 Racing driver Michael Schumacher was born.
• 41960 REM’s Michael Stipe was born. 1961 Billboard published the world’s first pop chart.
• 51933 The construction of California’s Golden Gate Bridge began. 1965 Actor Vinny Jones was born.
• 61838 Samuel Morse demonstrated his electric telegraph system for the first time. 1955 Funnyman Rowan Atkinson was born.
• 71785 The first balloon crossing of the English Channel took place. 1951 Coronation Street’s Gail Platt (alias actress Helen Worth) was born.
• 81921 Chequers became the official residence of British Prime Ministers. 1935 The King, Elvis Presley, was born.
• 91799 Income tax was introduced in Britain as a so-called temporary measure. 1978 Backstreet Boy A. J. McClean was born.
• 101840 The Penny Post was introduced. 1963 Rapper Jazzy B. was born.
• 111569 Tickets went on sale for Britain’s first ever National Lottery. 1963 Actor Jason Connery was born.
• 121955 Cheers’ Rebecca Howe (alias actress Kirstie Alley) was born. 1970 The first jumbo jet transatlantic flight was made.
• 131961 Singer Graham ‘Suggs’ McPherson was born. 1989 Computers were hit by the ‘Friday the 13th’ virus.
• 141878 Queen Victoria made the first phone call in Britain. 1968 Singer LL Cool J was born.
• 151559 Elizabeth I was crowned. 1926 Rock legend Chuck Berry was born.
• 161920 The prohibition era began in the USA. 1974 Supermodel Kate Moss was born.
• 171962 Mask star Jim Carrey was born. 1983 Breakfast television began in Britain.
• 181778 Captain Cook discovered Hawaii. 1955 Actor Kevin Costner was born.
• 191903 Competitors were invited to compete in the first Tour de France cycle race. 1949 Singer Robert Palmer was born.
• 201850 It rained stones in Italy and Warsaw experienced a shower of caterpillars. 1971 Singer Gary Barlow was born.
• 211925 The late and great Benny Hill was born. 1976 Concorde made its first commercial flight.
• 221902 Marconi made his first radio transmission. 1973 Heartbreak High star Abi Tucker was born.
• 231899 Screen legend Humphrey Bogart was born. 1985 The House of Lords was first televised.
• 241848 The Californian Gold Rush began. 1959 Comic Vic Reeves was born.
• 251327 Edward III became king. 1967 Soccer’s David Ginola was born.
• 261828 The Duke of Wellington became Prime Minister. 1925 Actor Paul Newman was born.
• 271926 John Logie Baird gave his first public transmission of television. 1972 Singer Mark Owen was born.
• 281788 The first Australian penal colony was founded at Botany Bay. 1957 Funnyman Frank Skinner was born.
• 291856 The Victoria Cross was instituted. 1945 Actor Tom Selleck was born.
• 301649 Charles I lost his head. 1931 Actor Gene Hackman was born.
• 311961 Singer Lloyd Cole was born. 1969 The Beatles gave their final live performance – singing Get Back on the roof of the Apple building.

February

• 11901 Screen legend Clark Gable was born. 1940 Captain Marvel first appeared in Whiz Comics.
• 21709 Alexander Selkirk, the real Robinson Crusoe, was rescued after five years on a desert island. 1940 Del Boy (alias actor David Jason) was born.
• 31947 Singer Melanie was born. 1966 Russian Luna 9 landed on the Moon.
• 41926 Malcolm Campbell broke the world land speed record. 1948 Rocker Alice Cooper was born.
• 51952 The TV astrologer Russell Grant was born (Sun and Moon Aquarius, Libra Rising). 1989 Rupert Murdoch launched satellite Sky TV.
• 61952 Elizabeth II succeeded to the throne. 1962 Rocker Axl Rose was born.
• 71964 The Beatles arrived in the US and took the country by storm. 1974 Supergrass’s Danny Goffey was born.
• 81931 Cult hero James Dean was born. 1974 Sky lab space station astronauts returned safely to Earth after 85 days in space.
• 91942 Singer Carole King was born. 1983 Derby winning racehorse Shergar disappeared.
• 101940 Singer Roberta Flack was born. 1942 Glenn Miller was presented with the first-ever gold disc – for Chattanooga Choo Choo.
• 111972 Singer Sheryl Crow was born. 1990 Nelson Mandela was freed after 26 years’ imprisonment.
• 121688 The ‘Glorious Revolution’ began. 1934 Actress Annette Crosbie was born.
• 131692 The Macdonalds were massacred by the Campbells at Glencoe. 1950 Singer Peter Gabriel was born.
• 141929 The St Valentine’s Day massacre took place in Chicago. 1946 Singer Gregory Hines was born.
• 151959 UB40’s Ali Campbell was born. 1971 Decimal currency was introduced in Britain.
• 161946 Dad’s Army’s Private Pike (alias actor Ian Lavender) was born. 1959 Fidel Castro became Prime Minister of Cuba.
• 171863 The International Red Cross was founded in Geneva. 1934 Housewife megastar Dame Edna Everage was born in Wagga-Wagga.
• 181930 Astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovered the planet Pluto. 1960 Actress Greta Scacchi was born.
• 191924 Screen bad guy Lee Marvin was born. 1985 The first episode of Eastenders was broadcast.
• 201962 John Glenn became the first US astronaut to orbit the Earth. 1966 Supermodel Cindy Crawford was born.
• 211962 TV’s Vanessa Feltz was born. 1988 Queen Boadicea’s grave was found – under Platform 8 at King’s Cross station.
• 221797 The last invasion of Britain was attempted (by the French at Fishguard). 1950 Actress-comedienne Julie Walters was born.
• 231836 The siege of the Alamo began. 1955 Singer Howard Jones was born.
• 241920 Nancy Astor became the first woman MP to speak in the House of Commons. 1940 Soccer legend Denis Law was born.
• 251943 Guitarist George Harrison was born. 1964 Muhammad Ali became world heavyweight boxing champion.
• 261815 Napoleon escaped from Elba. 1953 Singer Michael Bolton was born.
• 271932 Actress Liz Taylor was born. 1991 The Gulf War ended.
• 281912 Albert Perey became the first person to parachute from a plane. 1965 TV’s Julia Carling was born.
• 291928 Actor Joss Ackland was born. 1956 Pakistan declared itself an Islamic Republic.

March

• 11555 Nostradamus’s book of predictions was published. 1958 Singer Nik Kershaw was born.
• 21962 Singer Jon Bon Jovi was born. 1969 Concorde made its maiden flight.
• 31802 Beethoven published his Moonlight Sonata. 1958 Actress Miranda Richardson was born.
• 41890 Scotland’s Forth Road Bridge was opened. 1998 The Wombles returned to our TV screens after a 20-year break.
• 51946 Sir Winston Churchill made his famous ‘Iron Curtain’ speech. 1952 Singer Elaine Paige was born.
• 61836 The Alamo fell. 1936 Bread’s Ma Boswell (alias actress Jean Boht) was born.
• 71876 Alexander Graham Bell patented the first telephone. 1958 Funnyman Rik Mayall was born.
• 81917 The Russian Revolution began. 1958 Singer Gary Numan was born.
• 91796 Napoleon married Josephine. 1958 Guitarist Robin Trower was born.
• 101801 Britain’s first national census was carried out. 1964 Singer Neneh Cherry was born.
• 111964 Funnyman Shane Richie was born. 1985 Mikhail Gorbachev became leader of the USSR.
• 121935 Driving tests were introduced in Britain. 1946 Singer-actress Liza (with a Zee) Minelli was born.
• 131781 William Herschel discovered Uranus. 1960 U2’s Adam Clayton was born.
• 141917 The Russian February Revolution ended. 1933 Actor Michael Caine was born (not a lot of people know that).
• 1544 BC Julius Caesar was assassinated. 1962 Singer Terence Trent D’Arby was born.
• 161872 Wanderers became the first FA Cup winners. 1954 Singer-actor Jimmy Nail was born.
• 171861 Italy became an independent kingdom. 1976 Boyzone’s Stephen Gately was born.
• 181949 Snooker bad boy Alex Hurricane Higgins was born. 1965 Cosmonaut Aleksey Leonov made the first space walk.
• 191932 Sydney Harbour Bridge was opened. 1947 Actress Glenn Close was born.
• 201957 Actor-director Spike Lee was born. 1969 John Lennon married Yoko Ono.
• 211946 Actor Timothy Dalton was born. 1963 Alcatraz prison was closed.
• 221888 The English Football League was founded. 1943 Singer George Benson was born.
• 231848 The first settlers landed in New Zealand. 1966 Pop star Marti Pellow was born.
• 241971 Actor Keanu Reeves was born. 1998 Titanic steamed to a record-equalling 11 Oscars.
• 251947 Superstar Sir Elton John was born. 1957 The Common Market was established.
• 261944 Superstar Diana Ross was born. 1973 Susan Shaw became the first woman to work in London’s Stock Exchange in its 171-year history.
• 271942 Actor Michael York was born. 1989 The first democratic election for the Russian parliament took place.
• 281939 The Spanish Civil War ended. 1976 Tennis ace Jennifer Capriati was born.
• 291871 London’s Royal Albert Hall opened. 1964 Actress Elle Macpherson was born.
• 301867 The USA bought Alaska from Russia. 1945 Guitar legend Eric Clapton was born.
• 311889 The Eiffel Tower was opened. 1943 Actor Christopher Walken was born.

April

• 11918 The RAF was founded. 1966 TV and radio personality Chris Evans was born.
• 21914 Actor Sir Alec Guinness was born. 1982 Argentina foolishly invaded the Falklands.
• 31951 Madcap actor Eddie Murphy was born. 1993 The Grand National was declared void after two false starts.
• 41941 Coronation Street’s Jack Duckworth (alias actor Bill Tarmey) was born. 1981 Bob Champion won the Grand National on Aldaniti.
• 51955 Radio personality Janice Long was born. 1982 A Royal Navy Task Force set sail for the Falklands.
• 61896 The first modem Olympic Games were opened in Athens. 1961 Impressionist Rory Bremner was born.
• 71906 Mount Vesuvius erupted. 1939 TV presenter Sir David Frost was born.
• 81963 Singer Julian Lennon was born. 1986 Clint Eastwood was elected mayor of Carmel.
• 91865 The American Civil War ended. 1953 Actor Dennis Quaid was born.
• 101961 TV and radio presenter Nicky Campbell was born. 1989 Nick Faldo became the first Briton to win golf’s US Masters.
• 111929 Popeye made his first public appearance. 1997 Soul sensation Joss Stone was born.
• 121980 Westlife’s Bryan McFadden was born. 1961 Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space.
• 131936 Luton’s Joe Payne scored a record ten goals in one game. 1946 Singer Al Green was born.
• 141865 Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. 1945 Rocker Richie Blackmore was born.
• 151912 The Titanic sank. 1959 Oscar-winning actress Emma Thompson was born.
• 161918 Funnyman Spike Milligan was born. 1746 The Battle of Culloden – the last batde on British soil – was fought.
• 171946 TV host Henry Kelly was born. 1956 Premium Bonds were first issued.
• 181976 Actor Sean Maguire was born. 1994 Cricketer Brian Lara completed his record-breaking Test innings of 375.
• 191936 Funnyman Dudley Moore was born. 1958 Soccer legend Bobby Charlton scored the first of his record 49 goals for England.
• 201941 Actor Ryan O’Neal was born. 1964 BBC2 first went on air.
• 21753 BC Romulus founded Rome. 1926 Elizabeth II was born.
• 221948 Actress Carol Drinkwater was born. 1972 John Fairfax and Sylvia Cook completed their marathon row across the Pacific.
• 231955 TV’s Mike Smith was born. 1968 Britain’s first decimal coins were circulated.
• 241942 Superstar Barbra Streisand was born. 1955 Patrick Moore’s Sky at Night was first televised.
• 251940 Actor Al Pacino was born. 1982 British troops recaptured South Georgia from Argentina.
• 261960 Duran Duran’s Roger Taylor was born. 1994 The first free elections were held in South Africa.
• 271969 Singer Mica Paris was born. 1908 The Olympic Games opened in London.
• 281770 Captain Cook landed at Botany Bay. 1937 Actor Jack Nicholson was born.
• 291958 Actress Michelle Pfeiffer was born. 1986 Halley’s comet made its last visit here until the year 2062.
• 301974 Little Britain’s Matt Lucas was born. 1975 The Vietnam War ended.

May

• 11931 New York’s Empire State Building was opened. 1946 The Absolutely Fabulous Joanna Lumley was born.
• 21945 Steppenwolf ‘s Goldy McJohn was born. 1963 The Beatles had their first UK number one hit.
• 31492 Columbus arrived in Jamaica instead of China as he’d hoped. 1960 Funnyman Ben Elton was born.
• 41780 The first Derby was mn. 1952 Entertainer Michael Barrymore was born.
• 51943 TV globe-trotter Michael Palin was born. 1980 The SAS stormed the Iranian Embassy in London.
• 61953 Soccer’s Graeme Souness was born. 1994 The Channel Tunnel was officially opened.
• 71756 Nelson’s ship HMS Victory was launched. 1939 Singer Jimmy Ruffin was born.
• 81954 Entertainer Gary Wilmot was born. 1995 Britain celebrated the 50th anniversary of victory over Hitler’s Germany.
• 91671 Thomas Blood stole the Crown Jewels. 1949 Singer Billy Joel was born.
• 101857 The Indian Mutiny broke out. 1960 U2’s Bono was born.
• 111962 Actress Natasha Richardson was born. 1981 Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical Cats opened in London.
• 121937 George VI was crowned. 1942 Eastenders’ Pam St Clement was born.
• 131607 Jamestown, the first English settlement in America, was established. 1950 Pop legend Stevie Wonder was born.
• 141796 Physician Edward Jenner used the world’s first vaccine. 1926 The late and great Eric Morecambe was born.
• 151981 Horseriding royal Zara Phillips was born. 1988 Russia began pulling out of Afghanistan after an eight-year occupation.
• 161929 The first Oscars were awarded. 1966 Singer Janet Jackson was born.
• 171956 Boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard was born. 2000 Royal Marines Alan Chambers and Charlie Paton became the first Britons to walk to the North Pole without backup.
• 181804 Napoleon was proclaimed Emperor of France. 1958 Singer Toyah Wilcox was born.
• 191953 Comedienne Victoria Wood was born. 1991 Helen Sharman became the first Briton in space.
• 201588 The ill-fated Spanish Armada set sail from Lisbon. 1946 Singer-actress Cher was born.
• 211948 Singer Leo Sayer was born. 1979 Sir Elton John became the first western rock star to perform in Russia.
• 221908 The Wright brothers patented the world’s first aeroplane. 1978 Celebrity Katie Price (aka Jordan) was born.
• 231498 Vasco da Gama became the first European to reach India by sea. 1936 Actress Joan Collins was born.
• 241844 Samuel Morse sent the world’s first telegraph message. 1941 Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan was born.
• 251935 Athlete Jesse Owens set an amazing six world records in 45 minutes. 1958 Singer Paul Weller was born.
• 261865 The American Civil War ended. 1948 Singer Stevie Nicks was born.
• 271941 The Bismarck was sunk by the British Navy. 1975 TV chef Jamie Oliver was born.
• 281968 Singer Kylie Minogue was born. 1967 Sir Francis Chichester completed his round-the-world journey in Gipsy Moth IV.
• 291949 Status Quo’s Francis Rossi was born. 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing conquered Everest.
• 301959 Sir Christopher Cockerell demonstrated his new invention – the hovercraft. 1963 Coronation Street’s Sally Webster (alias actress Sally Whittaker) was born.
• 311961 Comedian Harry Enfield was born. 1965 Jim Clark became the first British driver to win the Indianapolis 500.

June

• 11926 Screen legend Marilyn Monroe was born. 1967 The Beatles released the classic Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts’ Club Band.
• 21941 Rolling Stones’ drummer Charlie Watts was born. 1953 Elizabeth II was crowned.
• 31950 Rocker Suzi Quatro was born. 1981 Shergar won the Derby by a record 10 lengths.
• 41913 Suffragette Emily Davison threw herself under the King’s horse in the Derby. 1975 Actress Angelina Jolie was born.
• 51941 Singer-songwriter Harry Nilsson was born. 1975 The Suez Canal reopened after eight years’ closure.
• 61947 Freddy Krueger star Robert Englund was born. 1994 Cricketer Brian Lara completed his record-breaking innings of 501 n.o..
• 71962 Prefab Sprout’s Paddy McAloon was born. 1982 Elvis Presley’s mansion Graceland was opened to the public for the first time.
• 81960 Simply Red’s Mick Hucknall was born. 1978 Dame Naomi James completed her epic solo circumnavigation of the world.
• 91934 Donald Duck made his film debut. 1963 Actor Johnny Depp was born.
• 101921 The Duke of Edinburgh was born. 1986 Bob Geldof was given an honorary knighthood for his efforts to relieve world famine.
• 111935 Actor Gene Wilder was born. 1975 The first oil was pumped ashore from the North Sea.
• 121972 Actress Sophie Lawrence was born. 1979 Bryan Allen crossed the Channel in a pedal boat.
• 131900 The Boxer Rising took place in China. 1955 TV soccer pundit Alan Hansen was born.
• 141969 Tennis ace Steffi Graf was born. 1982 The Union Jack was hoisted in Port Stanley at the end of the Falklands War.
• 151215 Magna Carta was signed, sealed and delivered. 1954 Actor Jim Belushi was born.
• 161946 Actor Simon Williams was born. 1963 Valentina Tereshkova became the first woman in space.
• 171775 Britain defeated America at the Battle of Bunker Hill. 1946 Singer-songwriter Barry Manilow was born.
• 181815 Napoleon met his Waterloo at Waterloo. 1942 Superstar Sir Paul McCartney was born.
• 191829 Sir Robert Peel founded the Metropolitan Police. 1954 Actress Kathleen Turner was born.
• 201837 Queen Victoria began her 63 year reign. 1966 Actress Nicole Kidman was born.
• 211944 The Kinks’ Ray Davies was born. 1970 Brazil won soccer’s World Cup for the third time and so kept the trophy permanently.
• 221937 Joe Louis began his 11-year reign as world heavyweight boxing champion. 1949 Actress Meryl Streep was born.
• 231911 George V was crowned. 1955 TV’s Maggie Philbin was born.
• 241877 The St John Ambulance Brigade was founded. 1944 Rock legend Jeff Beck was born.
• 251876 The Battle of the Little Bighorn was fought. 1963 Singer George Michael was born.
• 261857 The first Victoria Cross was awarded. 1956 Singer Chris Isaak was born.
• 271962 Singer Michael Ball was born. 1988 Dave Hurst and Alan Matthews became the first blind mountaineers to scale Mont Blanc.
• 281926 Madcap actor-director Mel Brooks was born. 1997 The British Lions roared to their first series win over South Africa for 25 years.
• 291613 Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre was burnt down. 1928 Actor Ian Bannen was born.
• 301961 TV host Nino Firetto was born. 1997 Britain handed Hong Kong back to China.

July

• 11838 Charles Darwin first expounded his theory of evolution. 1964 Eastenders’ Grant Mitchell (alias actor Ross Kemp) was born.
• 21865 William Booth founded the Salvation Army. 1973 Funnyman Peter Kay was born.
• 31898 Joshua Slocum became the first solo round-the-world yachtsman. 1962 Actor Tom Cruise was born.
• 4The American Declaration of Independence was approved by Congress. 1962 Actor Neil Morrissey was born (behaving badly, of course).
• 51979 Westlife’s Shane Filan was born. 1969 Over a quarter of a million fans crowded into Hyde Park for a free Rolling Stones concert.
• 61685 The Battle of Sedgemore – the last battle on English soil – was fought. 1946 John J. Rambo (alias actor Sylvester Stallone) was born.
• 71940 Drummer Ringo Starr was born. 1988 Live Aid concerts in London and Philadelphia raised millions for famine relief.
• 81951 Actress Anjelica Huston was born. 1978 Reinhold Messner and Peter Habeler became the first mountaineers to climb Everest without the use of oxygen.
• 91947 The betrothal of the future Queen Elizabeth II to Lieutenant Philip Mountbatten was announced. 1956 Actor Tom Hanks was born.
• 101900 The Paris Metro was opened. 1962 TV personality Gaby Roslin was born.
• 111950 Andy Pandy made his TV debut. 1959 Singer Suzanne Vega was born.
• 121958 The Absolutely Fabulous Jennifer Saunders was born. 1982 The Falklands War officially ended.
• 131942 Actor Harrison Ford was born. 1985 Live Aid pop concerts raised millions for African famine victims.
• 141789 The Bastille was stormed. 1950 Fashion designer Bruce Oldfield was born.
• 151881 Sheriff Pat Garrett shot Billy the Kid. 1946 Singer Linda Ronstadt was born.
• 161790 Washington DC became the capital of the USA. 1907 Screen legend Barbara Stanwyck was born.
• 171917 The British Royal Family changed its name to Windsor. 1952 Actor David Hasselhoff was born.
• 181941 Singer Martha Reeves was born. 1955 Disneyland was opened in California.
• 191545 Henry VIII’s battleship the Mary Rose sank in the Solent. 1969 Singer Gabrielle was born.
• 201837 London’s Euston Station was opened. 1946 Eastenders’ Pauline Fowler (alias actress Wendy Richard) was born.
• 211952 Funnyman Robin Williams was born. 1969 Astronaut Neil Armstrong took a giant leap for mankind.
• 22The Reverend William Spooner, originator of spoonerisms, was porn in Breston. 1934 ‘Public Enemy No. 1’ John Dillinger was shot dead by the FBI.
• 231759 Construction of Nelson’s flagship, HMS Victory began. 1947 Singer-actor David Essex was born.
• 241936 The Speaking Clock spoke for the first time. 1970 Singer Jennifer Lopez was born.
• 251909 Louis Bleriot made the first cross-Channel flight. 1978 Britain’s first test tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born.
• 261908 The FBI was founded in Washington. 1965 Hollywood actress Sandra Bullock was born.
• 271937 Actor Bill Cosby was born. 1953 The Korean War ended.
• 281936 Cricket legend Sir Garfield Sobers was born. 1996 Rower Steve Redgrave clinched his fourth successive Olympic gold medal at Atlanta.
• 291558 Sir Francis Drake completed his game of bowls before going on to defeat the Spanish Armada. 1966 Wonderstuff’s Miles Hunt was born.
• 301947 Iron-pumping Arnold Schwarzenegger was born. 1966 England won soccer’s World Cup.
• 311956 Jim Laker completed his record-breaking 19 for 90 haul against the Aussies. 1967 TV Superman Dean Cain was born.

August

• 11798 Nelson won the Battle of the Nile. 1963 Chart rapper Coolio was born.
• 21876 Wild Bill Hickok was shot by Jack McCall in Deadwood. 1979 Ex-Byker Grove star Donna Air was born.
• 31778 La Scala Opera House opened in Milan. 1940 Actor Martin Sheen was born.
• 41914 World War I began. 1943 Actress Georgina Hale was born.
• 51901 Britain’s first cinema opened. 1906 Supersleuth Miss Jane Marple (alias actress Joan Hickson) was born.
• 61926 Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the Channel. 1937 Eastenders’ Peggy Mitchell (alias actress Barbara Windsor) was born.
• 71840 The employment of boys as chimney sweeps was banned. 1960 X Files star David Duchovny was born.
• 81961 U2 guitarist The Edge was born. 1963 The Great Train Robbery took place.
• 91968 X Files star Gillian Anderson was born. 1979 Nude sunbathing became legal on Cliff Beach, Brighton.
• 101675 The Royal Observatory at Greenwich was opened. 1947 Jethro Tull’s Ian Anderson was born.
• 111942 London’s New Waterloo Bridge was opened. 1954 Singer Joe Jackson was born.
• 121908 The first Model T Ford car was produced. 1949 Dire Straits’ Mark Knopfler was born.
• 131704 The Duke of Marlborough won the Battle of Blenheim. 1958 Singer Feargal Sharkey was born.
• 141945 Japan surrendered unconditionally thereby ending World War II. 1968 Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry was born.
• 151969 The first Woodstock rock festival opened in upstate New York. 1972 Boyzone’s Mikey Graham was born.
• 161958 Madonna (the outrageous singer, not the outrageous footballer) was born. 1975 Phil Collins became Genesis’s lead singer.
• 171896 The Canadian Klondike Goldrush began. 1943 Actor Robert De Niro was born.
• 181937 Actor Robert Redford was born. 1948 12-year-old Lester Piggott rode his first winner.
• 191897 Electric cabs began running in London. 1969 Friends’ star Matthew Perry was born.
• 201924 Eric Liddell refused to enter the Olympic 100-metres heats as it was a Sunday. 1971 Little Britain’s David Walliams was born.
• 211933 Film buff Barry Norman was born – and why not? 1988 Pubs were first allowed to stay open 12 hours a day.
• 221642 The English Civil War began. 1961 Tears For Fears’ Roland Orzabel was born.
• 231938 Len Hutton scored a record 364 runs against the Aussies. 1962 Singer Shaun Ryder was born.
• 2479 AD Pompeii was destroyed by the eruption of Vesuvius. 1958 Actor Steve Guttenberg was born.
• 251875 Captain Matthew Webb was the first person to swim the English Channel. 1953 Singer-songwriter Elvis Costello was born.
• 2655 BC Julius Caesar came, saw and conquered. 1954 DJ Steve Wright was born – in the afternoon of course.
• 271883 Krakatoa erupted. 1908 Cricket legend Sir Don Bradman was born.
• 281961 Singer Kim Appleby was born. 1963 Dr Martin Luther King delivered his famous ‘I have a dream’ speech in Washington.
• 291958 Superstar Michael Jackson was born. 1966 The Beatles played their final live concert – at Candlestick Park, San Francisco.
• 301860 Britain’s first tramcar took to the streets – in Birkenhead. 1955 Swing Out Sister’s Martin Jackson was born.
• 311949 Actor Richard Gere was born. 1968 Gary Sobers smashed six sixes in an over for Nottinghamshire.

September

• 11957 Singer Gloria Estefan was born. 1972 Bobby Fisher became world chess champion.
• 21952 Tennis ace Jimmy Connors was born. 1995 Frank Bruno became world heavyweight boxing champion.
• 31939 Britain declared war on Hitler’s Germany. 1965 Actor Charlie Sheen was born.
• 41961 Coronation Street’s Curly Watts (alias actor Kevin Kennedy) was born. 1964 The Forth Road Bridge was opened.
• 51885 Arbroath hammered Bon Accord by a record 36–0. 1935 Coronation Street’s Mike Baldwin (alias actor Johnny Briggs) was born.
• 61620 The Mayflower set sail for the New World. 1961 A-ha’s Pal Waaktaar was born.
• 71951 Rocker Chrissie Hynde was born. 1986 Bishop Desmond Tutu was enthroned as Archbishop of Cape Town.
• 81664 New Amsterdam was captured by Britain and renamed New York. 1946 Rock legend Freddie Mercury was born.
• 91960 Actor Hugh Grant was born. 1978 Eighteen-year-old Czech tennis star Martina Navratilova asked for political asylum in America.
• 101953 Hollywood star Amy Irving was born. 1967 Gibraltar voted overwhelmingly to remain British.
• 111940 Film director Brian De Palma was born. 1978 The BBC broadcast the first episode of Dallas.
• 122005 England won the Ashes for the first time since 1987. 1957 Actress Rachel Ward was born.
• 131957 The Mousetrap became Britain’s longest-running West End play. 1959 Impressionist Bobby Davro was born.
• 141752 Britain adopted the Gregorian calendar. 1939 Coronation Street’s Alma Baldwin (alias actress Amanda Barrie) was born.
• 151940 Britain won the Battle of Britain. 1946 Film director Oliver Stone was born.
• 161927 Lieutenant Columbo (alias actor Peter Falk) was born. 1968 The Post Office introduced its two-tier delivery service.
• 171931 Long-playing records were invented. 1969 The Prodigy singer Keith Flint was born.
• 181879 The Blackpool illuminations were first switched on. 1967 Actress Tara Fitzgerald was born.
• 191963 Pulp singer Jarvis Cocker was born. 1975 The first episode of Fawlty Towers was televised.
• 201934 Actress Sophia Loren was born. 1967 The QEII was launched.
• 211965 BP struck oil in the North Sea. 1972 Oasis singer Liam Gallagher was born.
• 221955 Commercial television began in Britain. 1971 Singer Chesney Hawkes was born.
• 231949 The Boss, Bruce Springsteen, was born in the USA. 1964 Zero Mostel sang ‘If I were a rich man’ in the first performance of Fiddler on the Roof.
• 241962 Funnyman Jack Dee was born. 1975 Dougal Haston and Doug Scott made the first all-British ascent of Everest.
• 251066 The Battle of Stamford Bridge took place (no, Chelsea weren’t playing). 1969 Men in Black star Will Smith was born.
• 261934 The Queen Mary was launched. 1962 Everything But The Girl singer Tracy Thorn was born.
• 271825 The Stockton to Darlington rail line was opened. 1975 Lee Brennam of chart stars 911 was born.
• 281972 Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Pal trow was born. 1996 Jockey Frankie Dettori rode all seven winners at Ascot.
• 291970 Actress Emily Lloyd was born. 1983 Lady Mary Donaldson was elected first woman Lord Mayor of London.
• 301967 Radio 1 first went on air. 1980 Tennis ace Martina Hingis was born.

October

• 11964 Wacky comic Harry Hill was born. 1971 Disney World opened in Florida.
• 21950 Charlie Brown and Snoopy made their first public appearance. 1951 Singer Sting was born.
• 31899 The Boer War began. 1972 Backstreet Boys’ singer Kevin Richardson was born.
• 41957 Sputnik, the first satellite to orbit earth, was launched. 1976 Batgirl Alicia Silverstone was born.
• 51936 The Jarrow March began. 1954 Rocker Sir Bob Geldof was born.
• 61930 Coronation Street’s Emily Bishop (alias actress Eileen Derbyshire) was born. 1985 Nigel Mansell won his first Grand Prix.
• 71769 Captain Cook landed in New Zealand. 1959 The X Factor’s Mr Nasty, Simon Cowell was born.
• 81949 Aliens star Sigourney Weaver was born. 1965 London’s Post Office Tower was opened.
• 91888 The Washington Monument was unveiled. 1940 Pop legend John Lennon was born.
• 101946 Actor Charles Dance was born. 1972 Sir John Betjeman was appointed Poet Laureate.
• 111957 Comedienne Dawn French was born. 1982 Henry VIII’s warship Mary Rose was raised from Portsmouth Harbour.
• 121954 Entertainer Les Dennis was born. 1986 Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to visit China.
• 131941 Singer-songwriter Paul Simon was born. 1997 Andy Green broke the sound barrier in his supersonic car Thrust.
• 141066 The Battle of Hastings was fought. 1940 Peter Pan pop singer Sir Cliff Richard was born.
• 151948 Singer Chris de Burgh was born. 1962 Amnesty International was founded in London.
• 161815 Napoleon was exiled to St Helena. 1925 Cabot Cove’s Jessica Fletcher (alias actress Angela Lansbury) was born.
• 171931 Al Capone was sentenced to 11 years’ imprisonment for income tax evasion. 1972 Fugees’ singer Wyclef Jean was born.
• 181887 The USA bought Alaska from Russia for 7 million dollars. 1960 Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme was born.
• 191812 Napoleon began his retreat from Moscow. 1963 Singer Sinitta was born.
• 201946 Muffin the Mule made his TV debut. 1958 Level 42’s Mark King was born.
• 211805 Nelson was killed at Trafalgar. 1970 East 17’s Tony Mortimer was born.
• 221797 Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first-ever parachute jump. 1968 Chart-topper Shaggy was born.
• 231642 The Battle of Edge Hill was fought. 1940 Soccer legend Pelé was born.
• 241945 The United Nations came into existence. 1985 Soccer’s Wayne Rooney was born.
• 251415 Henry V defeated the French at Agincourt. 1962 TV host Nick Hancock was born.
• 261881 The Gunfight at the OK Corral took place. 1957 Actress Julie Dawn Cole was born.
• 271958 Blue Peter was first televised. 1978 Violinist Vanessa-Mae was born.
• 281949 Sooty and Sweep made their television debut. 1967 Pretty Woman star Julia Roberts was born.
• 291929 Panic selling on the New York Stock Exchange led to the Wall Street Crash. 1947 Actor Richard Dreyfuss was born.
• 301938 People thought Martians had landed when Orson Welles read The War of the Worlds on US radio. 1943 Singer Grace Slick was born.
• 311951 Zebra crossings were introduced in Britain. 1961 U2’s Larry Mullen was born.

November

• 11512 Michelangelo unveiled the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. 1963 Def Leppard’s Rick Allen was born.
• 21961 Singer k. d. lang was born. 1964 The first episode of Crossroads was broadcast
• 31921 Death Wish star Charles Bronson was born. 1957 Laika became the first dog in space.
• 41605 Guy Fawkes was arrested for attempting to blow up Parliament – yes, it was on the 4th November. 1974 Chart star Louise was born.
• 51909 Britain’s first Woolworth store was opened – in Liverpool. 1959 Singer Bryan Adams was born.
• 61962 Weafhergirl Suzanne Charlton was born. 1988 U.S. Defence department computers were crippled by a virus introduced by an employee’s son.
• 71917 The October Revolution (yes October) began in Russia. 1943 Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell was born.
• 81939 Coronation Street’s Vera Duckworth (alias actress Elizabeth Dawn) was born. 1974 Lord Lucan disappeared.
• 91951 Incredible Hulk star Lou Ferrigno was born. 1960 John F. Kennedy was elected US President.
• 101940 Monster Raving Loony Party leader Screaming Lord Sutch was born. 1989 The hated Berlin Wall was dismantled.
• 111918 World War I ended. 1974 Titanic star Leonardo DiCaprio was born.
• 121927 The first veteran car rally from London to Brighton took place. 1945 Singer Neil Young was born.
• 131914 Mrs Mary Phelps Jacob patented her new uplifting invention – the bra. 1949 Actress Whoopi Goldberg was born.
• 141953 Singer Alexander O’Neal was born. 1994 The first public train service ran – or rather crawled – through the Channel Tunnel.
• 151952 Derrick Evans, better known as GMTV’s Mr Motivator, was born. 1969 Britain’s first colour TV advertisement was screened, mainly in green – it was for Birds Eye Peas.
• 161532 Spanish adventurer Pizarro conquered the Incas. 1961 Boxer Frank Bruno was born (Know what I mean, ’Arry?).
• 171869 The Suez Canal was opened. 1960 TV and radio presenter Jonathan Ross was born.
• 181928 Mickey Mouse made his film debut. 1960 Singer Kim Wilde was born.
• 191961 Actress Meg Ryan was born. 1994 The first National Lottery draw was made.
• 201947 Princess Elizabeth married Lieutenant Philip Mountbatten. 1965 Beastie Boy Mike Diamond was born.
• 211620 The Mayflower arrived in the New World. 1965 Singer Bjork was born.
• 221946 The world’s first ballpoint pens went on sale. 2003 England won the Rugby World Cup.
• 231943 Coronation Street’s Audrey Roberts (alias actress Sue Nicholls) was born. 1963 Dr Who’s Tardis materialised for the first time.
• 241942 Funnyman Billy Connolly was born. 1952 Agatha Christie’s play The Mousetrap opened at the Ambassadors Theatre, London.
• 251944 ELO’s drummer Bev Bevan was born. 1953 England put three goals past Hungary at Wembley – but let in six.
• 261938 Simply the Best singer Tina Turner was born. 1968 Supergroup Cream played their final concert at London’s Albert Hall.
• 271582 Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway. 1942 Pop legend Jimi Hendrix was born.
• 281961 Actor/comedian Martin Clunes was born. 1990 Maggie Thatcher resigned as Prime Minister.
• 291962 Britain and France agreed to build Concorde. 1973 Soccer’s Ryan Giggs dribbled for the first time.
• 301936 The Crystal Palace was burnt down in a spectacular fire. 1945 Deep Purple’s Roger Glover was born.

December

• 11887 The first Sherlock Holmes story was published. 1940 Comic Richard Pryor was born.
• 21697 Sir Christopher Wren’s new St Paul’s Cathedral was opened. 1960 Def Leppard’s Rick Savage was born.
• 31948 Rocker Ozzie Osbourne was born. 1967 Dr Christian Barnard performed the world’s first heart transplant operation.
• 41937 The first edition of the Dandy was published. 1949 Actor Jeff Bridges was born.
• 51872 The Marie Celeste was found adrift and unmanned near the Azores. 1935 Rock legend Little Richard was born.
• 61877 Thomas Edison made the first sound recording. 1944 TV presenter Jonathan King was born.
• 71941 Japan attacked the US fleet at Pearl Harbor. 1949 Singer Tom Waits was born.
• 81863 Britain’s Tom King (the boxer, not the politician) became the first world heavyweight champion. 1953 Actress Kim Basinger was born.
• 91950 Singer Joan Armatrading was born. 1960 The first episode of Coronation Street was broadcast.
• 101901 Nobel Prizes were first awarded. 1952 TV chat show host Clive Anderson was born.
• 111936 King Edward VIII gave up the crown so he could marry Wallis Simpson. 1972 Eternal’s Easther Bennett was born.
• 121901 Marconi made the first transatlantic wireless transmission. 1915 The late and great Frank Sinatra, was born.
• 131577 Sir Francis Drake began his circumnavigation of the world in the Golden Hind. 1953 Entertainer Jim Davidson was born.
• 141911 Roald Amundsen became the first man to reach the South Pole. 1979 Soccer’s Michael Owen dribbled for the first time.
• 151964 Coronation Street’s Kevin Webster (alias actor Michael Le Veil) was born. 1979 Two Canadian journalists thought up the game of Trivial Pursuit.
• 161773 The Boston Tea Party took place. 1949 ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons was born.
• 171903 Orville Wright made the first ever aeroplane flight. 1969 Supergrass rocker Mickey Quinn was born.
• 181865 Slavery was abolished in the USA. 1947 Film director Steven Spielberg was born.
• 191963 Flashdance star Jennifer Beals was born. 1984 Britain agreed to return Hong Kong to China.
• 201803 The biggest land deal in history – The Louisiana Purchase – doubled the size of the USA at the stroke of a quill. 1946 Fork-bending Uri Geller was born.
• 211913 The world’s first crossword puzzle was published. 1940 Rock legend Frank Zappa was born.
• 221895 Wilhelm Röntgen discovered X-rays. 1946 Noel Edmonds’ Crinkley Bottom was seen for the first time.
• 231888 Vincent Van Gogh cut off part of his left ear. 1955 Iron Maiden’s Dave Murray was born.
• 241945 Motorhead’ s Lemmy was born. 1968 Apollo 8 became the first manned spaceship to orbit the moon.
• 251066 William the Conquerer was crowned at Westminster Abbey. 1949 Actress Sissy Spacek was born.
• 261906 The world’s first feature length film was shown in Australia. 1971 The Cranberries’ Neil Logan was born.
• 271904 J. M. Barrie’s Peter Pan had its first night. 1981 Singer Javine was born.
• 281879 The Tay Bridge collapsed, leading to that terrible poem by William McGonagall. 1981 Actress Sienna Miller was born.
• 291930 Radio Luxembourg first went on air. 1972 Actor Jude Law was born.
• 301916 Russian mystic Rasputin was poisoned, shot and, for good measure, drowned. 1964 Actress Sophie Ward was born.
• 311923 The chimes of Big Ben were heard by radio listeners for the first time. 1958 Actor Val Kilmer was born.

HOOKING WITH BRACKETS

Bracketing is a device usually associated with seasoned pros. It requires far more thought and planning than the other hooks because it is designed not only to grab an audience’s attention at the start of a speech, but also – and at the same time – to set up a situation that can be exploited at the end. The idea is to present your speech as a satisfying whole, not just as a series of jokes, quotes and sentimental reminiscences.

The two brackets consist of a set-up at the opening of the speech and a payoff at the end. The words you will end with include those planted clearly at the start, like this:

Set-up: Ladies and Gentlemen, when this little do ends, Gary and Dorothy are off to Iceland. What better place to enjoy an Eskimo roll? He almost went to Iceland once before, but they were closed so he went to Tesco instead.

That’s your first bracket. You’ve set up the situation briefly and then quickly reinforced it with two one-liners to make it more memorable. It’s a pretty good humour hook in its own right, but there’s more to come.

Pay-off: Well now that Iceland honeymoon and Eskimo roll await them, so I suppose Gary will be kissed in places he’s only ever dreamt of before. [followed by the toast]

Notice the repetition of the planted words Iceland and Eskimo roll. This helps the open-and-closed nature of the brackets and provides a pleasing symmetry.

This technique can also be used to begin a quotation in your opening, and then complete it at the end. Here’s an example:

Set-up: I am yours, you are mine. Of this we are certain. You are lodged in my heart. Ladies and Gentlemen ...

Pay-off: I am yours, you are mine. Of this we are certain. You are lodged in my heart, the small key is lost. You must stay forever.

Or you could use it to add a little compliment to sugar the teasing joke you opened with. How about this sort of thing for the sporty types?

Set-up: Ladies and Gentlemen, as Boris left the church today I heard him ask the vicar if he’d be committing a sin if he played tennis on the Sabbath. The vicar replied, ‘The way you play, it would be a sin on any day.’ But Boris is improving. He practises by hitting a tennis ball against his garage door. It’s really improved his game. He hasn’t won yet, but last week he took the door to five sets.

Payoff: Boris and Steffi are excellent tennis players who are both game and set for the perfect match.

You can get ideas for humorous, romantic or sentimental brackets simply by listening to songs composed by the best popular lyricists of yesterday and today: Noel Coward, Ira Gershwin, Cole Porter, Jim Webb, Bob Dylan, Lou Read, Morrisey – to name but a few. This is how master songsmifh Sammy Cahn achieved a neat little twist in the tail of Call Me Irresponsible:

Set-up: Call me irresponsible, call me unreliable, throw in undepend-able too.

Payoff: Call me irresponsible, yes I’m unreliable, but it’s undeniably true: I’m irresponsibly mad for you.

If you make use of a lyricist’s brackets, always reword them into the kind of language you use, making sure that they no longer rhyme. In this way your audience won’t recognise your source – or your sauce – and you are sure to come across as a natural and original speaker.

It is quite easy to adapt and paraphrase musical brackets to suit your speech. Let’s take a more up-to-date example. These are the set-up and payoff lines used by Rupert Holmes in Nearsighted.

Set-up: If you take these glasses from my face I think that you will find I’m undeniably, certifiably just a shade of blind. The day is brighter, somewhat lighter, when it’s slightly blurred. Nearsighted, it’s another lovely day, so I stumble on my way.

Payoff: Nearsighted: loving life is such a breeze. Nearsighted: I see just what I please – and it pleases me to see you. Though I’m slightly out of focus, I can see my dreams come true. Nearsighted, all I need to see is you.

This is how a bespectacled groom might adapt, develop and paraphrase these brackets:

Set-up: Ladies and Gentlemen, if I take off my glasses I can’t see very far ahead. In the past I’ve often been shortsighted and stumbled my way through life. But today I can see the way ahead clearly.

Payoff: You know, I don’t need these glasses to see a bright future for us. Shortsighted? [remove your glasses] Who cares? All I need to see is you.

Bracketing is a wonderful way of linking attention-grabbing openings with emotion-packed big finishes.

ENDING ON THE RIGHT NOTE

A wedding speech is like a love affair. Any fool can start it, but to end it requires considerable skill. Film producer Sam Goldwyn once told a script writer: ‘What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax.’ It’s the same with your speech. Begin with a great hook, then say a few sincere and entertaining words which strike the right balance of seriousness and humour, and then deliver a final round verbal KO.

As well as the bracketing hook close which, by definition, should already include a big finish, the humour hook, quotation hook and anniversary hook can all easily be adapted to serve as powerful closes. Here is an example of each:

I leave you with this thought. There are Seven Deadly Sins, enough for one each day – or night. Have a nice week’s honeymoon!

It has been said that there is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. Today Carol and Alan found their happiness.

This day, the 18th of December, will always be remembered because of three famous events. Slavery was abolished in America in 1865, film director Steven Spielberg was born in 1947, and on this very day in 200X, Ross married Emily!

There are four other classic closes that would help make any wedding speech memorable:

• the sentimental close
• the inspirational close
• the shock close
• the wit and wisdom close.

Let’s take a look at each in turn.

The sentimental close

This is a close that can work wonderfully for the bride’s father or for the bridegroom, but not for the best man who should steer well clear of anything remotely emotional or serious in his speech. If you mean it deeply, then say it from the heart:

Jayne, I love you.

The inspirational close

This is another device that the best man should avoid. We can learn much from the great inspirational speakers of past and present: Sir Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela. If you find an ideal uplifting line that would wrap up your speech perfectly, then grab it, adapt it and use it.

Martin Luther King concluded his famous ‘I have a dream’ speech with these words:

Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, Free at last!

This powerful three-phrase close could be adapted to:

Together at last! Together at last! Thank God, we are together at last!

The shock close

The idea here is to make an apparently outrageous or shocking statement. Then, after a brief pause, to clarify yourself. Your audience’s relief will be audible.

Finally, I have a confession to make. When I took my vows in church today, I lied. I did not marry for better or for worse – I married for good!

The wit and wisdom close

Some speakers end with a good joke while others prefer to impart a pearl of wisdom. Why not do both? Why not use humour to illustrate a universal truth? These three gems come from Bob Monkhouse, Groucho Marx and Pam Ayres:

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.

Woman lies to man. Man lies to woman. But the best part is when they lie together.

Love is like a curry and I’ll explain to you,
That love comes in three temperatures: medium, hot and vindaloo.

Whichever close you chose, make sure you end on a note of high emotion or with a witty, wise or uplifting little quote or story that will leave them gobsmacked. And finally, where appropriate, don’t forget to propose that toast!