HUMOUR ABOUT HOBBIES

Amateur boxing/judo/karate

David is a very colourful fighter – black and blue usually.

Amateur dramatics

I remember the day Steve came home and told me he’d got his first part. ‘I play a man who’s been married for twenty-five years,’ he announced. ‘That’s a great start, son,’ I said, ‘Just keep at it and one of these days you’ll get a speaking part.’

Archaeology

I asked Max what an archaeologist was. He said it was a man whose whole life lies in ruins.

Book collecting

Nicholas is so proud of his book collection. Last week he complained to me that he now has so many that he just doesn’t know what to do with them. I suggested that he tried reading them.

Card schools

Marcus used to really enjoy our Saturday night card schools. But I remember one evening when he jumped up from the table, white with rage. ‘Stop the game!’ he yelled, ‘Steve’s cheating!’ ‘How do you know?’ I asked. ‘Because he’s not playing the hand I dealt him.’

Cats

Kim told me Arthur is a very sensible cat. He never cries over spilt milk.

CD/record collecting

Adam has a magnificent CD collection. One day he went into a record shop and asked for Rhapsody in Blue but the girl said they hadn’t got it. ‘Well would you mind taking another look?’ he asked. ‘Perhaps they do it in some other colour.’

Cinema/theatre/bingo

Harrison left in the middle of the film and trod on the foot of the woman at the end of the row. When he returned, he said, ‘Did I tread on your foot on the way out?’ ‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘Good,’ he said, ‘then this is my row.’

Dancing

As we skipped the light fandango, I told Sue that I had learnt to dance in just one evening. ‘I thought so,’ she said.

Dogs

Keith told me that his dog, Fido, is just like one of the family. I’m still trying to work out which one.

Driving

When I complained about Damon’s driving, he said, ‘If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.’

Exercise (or lack of it)

My doctor told me that exercise could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already.

Fashion

As you know, Sally is really into fashion. She just told me the latest hot news and, Kevin, you’d be wise to take note of it. There will be absolutely no change in pockets this year.

Fishing

Jackie went fly fishing last weekend ... he caught a three ounce fly.

Flying

I don’t know how Orville can go up in those gliders. I get air sick when I lick an airmail stamp.

Football

Roy was on the bench and Rovers were getting hammered. The manager turned to him and said, ‘Get in there and get frantic’ Roy jumped up and said, ‘OK, boss. He’s their striker, right?’

Gambling

Terry told me he dreamt he won a million on the pools/horses/National Lottery. June said to him, ‘What shall we do about all the begging letters?’ ‘Just keep sending them,’ he replied.

Golf

Ahmin has been in more sand than Lawrence of Arabia. And when he lowers his head on the green, he’s not just preparing to putt, he’s praying.

Gymnastics

Roger tells me he works out for half an hour a day on the vaulting horse. Yesterday he fell off. But he’s not blaming the horse because it was his vault.

Hiking/walking

Ian had hoped to climb Ben Nevis during his holiday, but he didn’t get any further than Fort William – it took him five days to walk there and two to refold the maps.

Hitch-hiking

Ford always begins his hitch-hiking at 3 in the morning. He said it’s the best time to miss the traffic.

Holidays/travel

Last summer Martin went to Iceland and Texas. This year he’s going to Sainsburys and MFI.

Motorbike trials/racing car trials/sheep dog trials/etc.

I went with Phil to last year’s Scottish sheep dog trials. 31 were found guilty.

Musician

Simon asked his music teacher for her honest opinion of his compositions. She looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘I believe your songs will be played when Beethoven and the Beatles are forgotten – but not before.’

Photography

I’m not too sure what kind of photographs David takes, but I can tell you that he has to develop them in the dark.

Pony club/gymkhana/horse riding

Lucinda called her pony Radish and she used to tell everyone it was her horse Radish.

Pop group

Elton says they’re going to change the name of their band to Free Beer. Great name, isn’t it? Think of how it will look on pub notice boards. The punters will pile in.

Reading

Khadija asked the librarian if he could suggest a good book – something quite deep. He replied, ‘How about 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea?’

Skiing

Like Eddie, I thought of taking up skiing – but I let it slide.

Stamp-collecting

Philately will get you everywhere.

Swimming

I asked Duncan where he learnt to swim. ‘In water,’ he replied dryly.

Water skiing

Adrian got a pair of water skis for Christmas. He spent the next six months looking for a lake on a slope.

WEDDING SPEECH ONE-LINERS

Any of the quotations, jokes and stories given so far can be adapted and personalised for any wedding speech. However, here are some lines which are likely to be particularly useful for each of the main speeches.

For the bride’s father

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been said that love is the light and sunshine of life. We cannot enjoy ourselves, or anything else, unless someone we love enjoys it with us. Well from this day forth Mavis and Derek will be enjoying their lives together ... [Or some other appropriate quotation hook].

I haven’t lost a daughter, I’ve gained an overdraft.

I’m not losing a daughter; I’m gaining a bathroom.

Janet pleased me by laughing uproariously when reading the draft of this little speech, only to inform me that it was my spelling that so amused her.

A man took his wife along to a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asked him to explain their problem. The man said, ‘What’s ‘er name here claims I don’t pay her enough attention.’

You know the honeymoon’s over when the groom stops helping his wife with the dishes – and starts doing them himself.

Being a romantic sort of girl, Edwina insisted on getting married in her grandmother’s dress. She looked absolutely fabulous – but her poor granny nearly froze to death.

I’ll never forget my wedding day. You never saw two happier people than her mother and father.

A good marriage lasts for ever. A bad one just seems to.

I told my wife that I don’t believe in combining marriage and a career – which is why I haven’t worked since my wedding day.

Nice to see you all dressed up in those dicky bows. Are you here for the snooker?

Today I gave away my daughter ... and you will never believe the pleasure that gave me.

Always remember that money comes first and last. You’ve got to make it first and then make it last.

I asked my wife if she remembered our wedding night. ‘Steve,’ she said, ‘that was 27 years ago, there’s no need to apologise now.’

I shall never forget my marriage because I had to ask my wife’s mother permission to marry her daughter. ‘Have you the means to make her happy?’ she asked. ‘Well,’ I said, ‘it’ll make her laugh and I’m afraid that’s the best I can do.’

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.

When Tony asked me for Cherie’s hand in marriage, I asked, ‘Tony, do you think you’re earning enough to support a family?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Think very carefully now,’ I added, ‘after all you know there are six of us.’ Only joking Tony. But I do want you to know you really are one of the family now ...

Hamish asked me if I thought he was old enough to marry Carrie. ‘Oh yes,’ I replied, ‘because you’ll age fast enough.’

When we got married my wife didn’t have a rag on her back. But she’s got plenty of them now.

I read that marriage was going out of fashion. Well, if that’s true, have you ever seen two people looking so happy to be out of fashion?

I can still hear my bride-to-be saying to her mother, ‘Mum, I’ve still got so much to do and I want everything to be perfect. I’m determined not to overlook even the most insignificant detail.’ And her mother replying, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make sure your father’s there.’

After we’d been married for about a month, one evening I asked, ‘You don’t mind if I point out a few of your faults, do you?’ ‘Not at all,’ she replied, ‘it’s those little faults that stopped me from getting a better husband.’

Sometimes Liz is a little economical with the truth. But, to be fair to her, that’s the only thing she’s economical with.

Zoë admits that she does have some faults, but she insists that ever being wrong isn’t one of them.

On the sea of matrimony you have to expect occasional squalls.

Indira never loses her temper, but occasionally she mislays it.

Any man who thinks he is smarter than his wife is married to a very smart woman.

A few weeks after we got married I came home from work to find Emma in tears. ‘I feel terrible,’ she said. ‘When I was pressing your suit, I bumed a hole in the seat of your trousers.’ ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘You’ve forgotten that I have an extra pair of trousers for that suit.’ ‘Oh, I remembered alright,’ she replied, ‘I cut a piece from them to patch the hole.’

When Katie was in one of her disobedient moods her mother told her to behave herself. ‘I will for a fiver,’ replied Katie. ‘You shouldn’t ask for money to be good,’ Mary said. ‘You should be good for nothing – just like your father.’

Helen picked up the burger with both hands and crammed it into her mouth. ‘Another bite like that, young lady,’ I told her, ‘and you’ll have to leave the table.’ ‘Another bite like that,’ she replied, ‘and I’ll be finished.’

One day I found Liz playing with her new housekeeping set. ‘Are you washing dishes?’ I asked. ‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘and I’m drying them too, because I’m not married yet.’ Hugh, you have been warned.

And a word of advice to you both: the best way to get the last word in any argument is to say ‘sorry’.

If I were asked for a recipe for a long, happy marriage, I would say the formula lies in two simple words: ‘Yes, dear’.

Advice to the bridegroom? Easy. When she hands you a dishcloth, blow your nose and hand it back.

Rodney and Cassandra first met in a revolving door and they’ve been going round together ever since.

As we were on our way to the wedding this morning, my wife turned to me and said, ‘You know, you don’t seem quite as well dressed as when we were married 25 years ago.’ I replied, ‘Well I don’t know why not, I’m wearing the same suit.’

Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please stand, raise your glasses and drink a toast to the health and happiness of the bride and groom!

For the bridegroom

I would like to say a word of thanks to the bridesmaids. You did your job magnificently. Obviously I will use you every time I get married from now on.

Roger will be getting up to speak in a moment or two, and I can tell you he has some very unusual material, beginning with his suit.

I do not deserve the good things that have been said of me – but I will try to deserve them, and to be worthy of my wife.

I can’t imagine a happier way to start married life than with our family and friends around us.

It takes two women to make a good husband – and the first one is his mother.

I asked her father if I could marry her and he said, ‘Just leave your name and phone number and we’ll be in contact if nothing better comes up.’

Next I must thank Faruq for being best man, though I’m not sure how thankful to be because I haven’t heard his speech yet.

I think Donny’s suit looks terrific. I know he won’t mind if I let you all into a little secret – he always wears it when he goes to our monthly football social evenings [or whatever]. As we left for the church this morning, little Jimmy grabbed him by the arm and asked why he was wearing it today when he knew it always gives him such a headache the next morning.

Thank you for all your wonderful gifts. I can’t tell you how much they mean to us – but I should have a better idea after the honeymoon, once I’ve spoken to the guy in the pawn shop.

I’m so looking forward to coming home from work, opening a beer, sitting on the sofa and spending the evening watching Nikki’s favourite television programmes.

They say marriage is a lottery. If it is, I have hit the jackpot.

Those of you who do not know Fred are the luckiest people in the world. That’s because the pleasure of getting to know him lies ahead of you.

They say a girl grows to be like her mother; well, I can only hope it is true.

These delightful/charming [safer than beautiful] young ladies have done a great job in helping Sarah up the aisle – although I hope she came to the church of her own free will.

I have one final duty – no, not duty, pleasure – and that is to propose a toast to the health of the bridesmaids...
Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids!

For the best man

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is truly an historic day! [Followed by an anniversary hook.]

Ladies and Gentlemen, as Henry VIII said to each of his wives in turn, ‘I shall not keep you long’! [Or some other humour hook.]

On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank John for that toast. But to be honest I don’t think he did them justice. Never mind – today who can blame him? Clearly he only has eyes for Janet. I’m still single and emotionally unblinkered and I think they are the most delightful set of bridesmaids I’ve ever seen.

My job today is to talk of Steven – and there are no skeletons in his cupboard – or so I drought...

Doesn’t Dean look great? They made wonderful suits in the ’eighties.

Greg told me he’s going to buy you all a drink – and a straw each so you can share it.

If I ever needed a brain transplant, I’d choose Jim’s because I’d want one that had never been used.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Steve that a miracle can’t fix.

Lee is a man of many parts – some still in working order.

Jim is very responsible. If there’s a problem, you can be sure he’s responsible.

I’m supposed to sing the bridegroom’s praises and tell you all about his good points. Unfortunately, I can’t sing, and I can’t think of any good points.

Roy, if Audrey doesn’t treat you as she should – be thankful.

It only takes one drink to get Steve drunk – the fourteenth.

He made that speech for nothing and, I’m sure you’ll agree, he was worth every penny.

Jack became a millionaire last week. He didn’t win the Lottery – he just took his empties back to the off-licence.

Paul told me he bought his suit for a ridiculous figure. Looking at him today, I’m afraid I must agree.

Ronnie is so unlucky, if he were to be reincarnated he’d probably come back as himself.

I think the world of him. Mind you, look at the state the world’s in.

Geoff was never late for school – mainly because he never went.

The time has come for me, too, to take a wife. The only question remains: Whose wife to take?

My ambition is to be the last man on earth – so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Pete’s a man of rare gifts. He hasn’t given one in years.

Every once in a while we have the opportunity to talk of a man of high achievement, transparent integrity and penetrating intellect. Not today though.

Debs finds Duggie very attractive. Then again, she is on heavy medication.

I have to say to you, that, in all the years I have known him, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone mention it.

Since we met nearly ten years ago, there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about him. And I haven’t thought about him today either.

Luke, I’m afraid you’ll find that a wedding ring is like a tourniquet. It stops your circulation.

The trouble with being best man at a wedding is that you never get the chance to prove it.

They’re such a busy couple: he’s never found her in and she’s never found him out.

Joe is a very modest man – and he has plenty to be modest about.

Noel is a man of hidden talents. I just hope some day he’ll find them.

You may have noticed how few single people were invited to the wedding. I will let you into a secret: that was Ray’s idea. He’s very astute.

He told me that if he invited only married people all the presents would be clear profit.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Ryan, and I know there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. In fact, we spend our lives doing nothing for each other.

A man like Alan only comes along once in a lifetime – I’m only sorry it had to be during my lifetime.

I told my wife that we hadn’t been able to agree on anything during our four years of marriage. ‘Five years,’ she replied.

I have already congratulated the groom. I said, ‘Jason, you will always look back on this day as the happiest day of your life.’ This was yesterday.

I want to refute this vicious rumour that’s been going around here today that the bride and groom had to get married. That’s a wicked lie. They could easily have waited another fortnight.

There’s no doubt about it, men have better taste than women. After all, Paul chose Christina – but Christina chose Paul.

This marriage will last a lifetime. And, as you know, that’s unusual these days. I know a couple who broke up before their wedding pictures were developed. And they used one of those paranoid cameras.

Gavin doesn’t know the meaning of the word meanness. Mind you, he doesn’t know the meaning of lots of other words either.

For the bride

My husband and I...

I’m very glad to break with tradition and say a few words of my own on this happy occasion.

My father knew that the most important thing he could do for his children was to love their mother.

And thank you for your wonderful wedding presents – with all those saucepans and toasters I only hope he likes boiled toast.

My mother told me that thirty years of marriage have taught her that the best way for a wife to have a few minutes to herself is to start doing the dishes.

Mum told me the only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby – so I still have time to change Simon.

The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes.

We’ve found a great way to settle our arguments; he admits he’s wrong and I admit I’m right.

My granny told me that all girls should learn how to cook and clean the house. She said it would come in handy in case I couldn’t find a husband.

He will make all the important decisions and I’ll make all the insignificant ones – he’ll decide when we should join EMU; whether we should scrap the House of Lords; and if we should change our voting system to PR ... I’ll decide when we should start a family; whether we should move house; and if he’ll still be allowed out to watch United.

The other day I saw my husband facing a mirror with his eyes closed. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to see what he looked like when he was asleep.

Meeting Andy was like opening your first bottle of champagne; marrying him is like drinking it.

He’s no Einstein and I’m always on a diet. That’s why we’ll stay together through thick and thin.

This is my happiest day since I was in the arms of another woman’s husband – my mother’s.

And thanks to my own parents for taking care of me so well all my life and also for recognising that Javed was the right man to hand me over to. Alan Jones, this is your wife!

REHEARSING AD-LIBS

Rod Stewart sang about ‘well rehearsed ad-lib lines’. A good speech-maker must be able to think on his or her feet but here are a few lines you could use under the right circumstances:

A speech-maker isn’t around when required

I think Wayne must be up on the roof. I suppose it’s my fault really, I shouldn’t have told him the drinks were on the house. We’d better send out a search-party ...

Your microphone starts playing up

Well, Mike, that is the end of our double act; I’m going solo. [Then speak without it.]

You forget a name or get it wrong

I’m so sorry, there are three things I always forget: names, faces and, er ... I can’t remember the other.

A glass or bottle smashes

I’m pleased you’re having such a smashing time.

A tray falls

No, please, save your applause until I’ve finished.

A vehicle with a siren passes nearby

Well I’d better wind up before they come to get me.

Someone arrives late

Please come in. Sit down there. I’m so glad you could make it [don’t embarrass them by saying it sarcastically]. You’ve arrived just in time to toast Babs and Jack. I was just telling everyone how they met while they were working for ...

A waiter keeps rushing around in front of you

I think he must have a train to catch.

Someone interrupts (good-natured)

Yes, Bill, I do remember that – how could I forget it? And I also remember something that happened a few months later [then back to your speech].

Someone continually interrupts (bad-natured)

[A tricky situation because he or she is someone’s guest. Try to be amusing.] I suggest you lean against the wall – that’s plastered too.

The weather is atrocious or too good

I shall keep this short, in case we get snowed in/swept away in the storm/before all the ice melts.

A catch-all when anything at all goes wrong

Lisa, I hope that camcorder is still running. That is certain to be worth £250.