JOKES ABOUT JOBS

Some stories and gags could apply to any job, for example:

Matthew’s boss says he’s a miracle worker. It’s a miracle if he works.

Justin asked me to give his application form a quick once over before he sent it off. It was a good thing he did. Where he was asked, ‘Length of residence at present address’, he had replied, ‘About 20 metres – not counting the garage.’

I asked Tina how many people work at Matthew and Son. ‘About half,’ she replied.

Pat has a perfect attendance record. He’s never missed a tea break.

When Andy left Bloggs Ltd, they gave him this reference: ‘Any employer who gets Mr Capp to work for him will be very lucky.’

However, it is far better if you refer to someone’s actual job and to the name of the company they work for.

With a little thought, many of the following gags can be adapted for other occupations as well.

Antiques shop/art gallery/auction room/museum curator

On his first day at Acorn Antiques, Sandy dropped a priceless vase. Julian, his new boss, was in more tears than this cake. ‘That was over 400 years old,’ he cried. ‘Lucky it wasn’t a new one,’ said Sandy.

Architect/draughtsman

Every morning, as Tom leaves for work he says, ‘Ah, well, back to the drawing board.’

Bank/building society

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fine weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

British Telecom/Mercury employee

Julie, why are wrong numbers never engaged?

Builder/electrician/handyman/plumber/etc.

You all know that Dean is a builder, but what you probably don’t know is that he is also an excellent story-teller. When he tells a customer that he’ll be there at 8 he will be more likely to turn up at 10. Anyway, today he is going to give us a speech and that will be the first time he has ever finished something on the same day that he started it.

Building site/factory employee

When Shaun was interviewed for his job, his supervisor asked him if he could make tea. Shaun said, ‘Yes’. ‘And can you drive a fork lift truck?’ his boss continued. ‘Why?’ asked Shaun, ‘How big is the teapot?’

Bus driver/taxi driver

A woman asked Reg if he stopped/could stop at the Ritz. ‘No, madam, not on my wages,’ he replied.

Buyer/contracts officer/negotiator

Stephen would never accept a bribe. One day he was offered a Porsche. He was indignant, ‘I cannot accept a gift like that,’ he fumed. ‘I quite understand,’ replied the would-be briber, ‘I tell you what, why don’t I sell it to you for a fiver?’ Stephen thought about it for a minute. ‘In that case, I’ll take two.’

Car dealer

Arthur pointed to an old Escort. ‘I can’t shift this,’ he said, ‘I’ll have to reduce it.’ ‘By how much,’ I asked. ‘Oh, by about three owners and 50,000 miles,’ he replied.

Chemist/pharmacist

Signs over pharmacy: ‘We dispense with accuracy’ and ‘Try our cough medicine. You’ll never get any better.’

Church

Dominic announced to the congregation: ‘Sunday’s sermon will be entitled “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir.’

Cleaner

Not long after Hilda began working for Shiners, her office manager made a spot check of her work. ‘Look at this desk!’, he exclaimed, ‘it looks as if it hasn’t been cleaned for a month.’ ‘Don’t blame me,’ responded Hilda, ‘I’ve only been here a fortnight.’

Computer worker

Jill and her manager were examining the printout from the new computer in their department. Eventually Jill turned to her boss and remarked, ‘Do you realise it would have taken 500 men 1,000 years to make a mistake that big.’

Customs officer

Wayne asked a man whether he had any pornographic material. ‘Pornographic material?’ he replied, ‘I haven’t even got a pornograph.’

Dentist/doctor/vet

I arranged to meet Lee after work at his surgery. I was a bit early so I glanced through the magazines he provides for his patients in the waiting room. Wasn’t it terrible about the Titanic?

DSS employee

Jimmy told me about a lady who asked if something could be done for her. ‘I’ve got no clothes,’ she said, ‘and the vicar visits me three times a week.’

Farmer

Joe was having great trouble with hikers walking across his land. So he put up a notice on one of his gates: ‘Trespassers admitted free. The bull will charge later.’

Firefighter

She told him to go to blazes so he became a fireman.

Grocer/butcher/etc.

Alf told me about the little old lady who makes the same order every Thursday: ‘Three pounds of potatoes, please, and could you make them small because the big ones are so heavy to carry.’

Hairdresser/barber

A person who talks behind your back.

Hospital administrator/surgeon

Last month I swallowed a ten-pence piece and I had to cough up £1,000.

Insurance office employee

Muhammad says people write some very strange things on their insurance claim forms. Here are a couple he told me about: ‘The man was all over the place on the road – I had to swerve several times before I hit him.’ And here’s another: ‘I was thrown out of my car and was found in a ditch by some cows.’

Librarian/book shop employee

A man asked Sarah, ‘Have you a book entitled Man, Master of the Home? She looked at him in disbelief for a moment and then replied, ‘Try the Fiction department’.

Manager/director

A big gun who has managed not to get fired.

Military

Alexander has an excellent war record: Vera Lynn singing We’ll Meet Again.

Newsagent

It’s Arena’s second paper shop. The first one blew away.

Night-watchman/person on permanent night shifts/etc.

A man who earns his living without doing a day’s work.

Nurse

At the dress rehearsal, when Dougal held out the ring, Florence took his pulse.

Police officer/traffic warden/AA/RAC/etc.

A motorist pulled up at the Coldra Junction and asked Jeremy whether it mattered whether he took the A48 or M4 to Cardiff. ‘Not to me, it doesn’t,’ Jeremy replied.

Post office employee

Pat, isn’t it odd that if a letter is too heavy, you have to put more stamps on it, not less?

Public house/brewery/off-licence employee

Jack loves his work at the 5-X Brewery. In fact he often takes his work home with him.

Railway employee

A man said he wanted to catch the late train to Manchester. ‘Take the 11.15,’ Casey suggested. ‘That’s usually as late as any.’

Secretary

The personnel manager asked Lucy about her word processing skills. ‘My typing isn’t that good,’ she admitted, ‘but I can delete at over 120 words per minute.’

Shop-keeper

Have you seen the sign in Mark’s shop window? It says: ‘Don’t go elsewhere to be cheated. Come in here’. And what about the sign inside? It says: ‘Our boast is that we never allow a dissatisfied customer to leave this shop.’

Solicitor/management consultant

I dreamt that Horace died and went to the gates of heaven where he was to be interviewed by St Peter to see if he should be let into heaven or sent down to hell. T don’t know why I died so young,’ complained Horace, ‘it doesn’t seem fair, I’m only 31.’ ‘I know,’ replied St Peter, ‘but according to all the time you’ve billed your clients for, you’re at least 502.’

Supermarket worker

A supermarket is a place where shoppers should put all their eggs in the same basket. Have you seen the new sign in Betta-Buys? What a bargain. It says ‘Eggs still twelve to the dozen.’

Teacher

Barry asked if anyone in his class could correct this sentence: ‘It was me what done it.’ A little lad at the back stood up and said, ‘Sir, it was not me what done it.’ A few days later the lad struck again. He asked, ‘Sir, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?’ ‘Of course not,’ Barry replied. ‘That’s good,’ he said, ‘because I haven’t done my homework.’

Television repairs/any other repairs job

A rather aged gent went into Tariq’s Repairs. ‘I brought my TV in for repairs in 1985 but then the Old Bill paid me a visit and – well I only got out this morning,’ he explained, handing Tariq a very crumpled old ticket. Tariq retreated to the back room and was gone for about twenty minutes. He returned and handed the ticket back to the old man, saying, ‘We should have it ready for you by next Friday, sir.’

Union official

Jack takes his responsibilities very seriously. Last summer he sent me a postcard from Minorca. It said, ‘Having a wonderful time and a half.’

Waiter/waitress

A customer called Bruce over and said, ‘Waiter, this egg is bad.’ ‘It’s not my fault, sir,’ Bruce replied, ‘I only laid the table.’

Window cleaner

George is a perfectionist. He told me that when he cleans the windows at the top of the Nelson Mandela high rise flats, he often feels like stepping back to admire his work.