A humorous anecdote (short personal story) or a joke can make a speech individual and memorable. Choose your material very carefully. It must be in keeping with your own personality, the tone of your speech and the expectations of your audience. It must also be original. Don’t repeat any story or joke which you recently heard on television because Murphy’s Law tells us that at least one other person in the room will have been watching the same programme. Similarly, don’t tell one that has already been aired at a previous family gathering. Finally, don’t get carried away – you are not a stand-up comedian.

TESTING YOUR MATERIAL

Never use any material unless you are sure it complies with the 3R rule of story-telling. A joke or anecdote must be:

• Relevant
• Realistic
• Retellable.

Relevant

Your story must be meaningful to your audience. You may know a wonderful gag about a window cleaner and an MP Even if it is the funniest story in the world, don’t tell it unless the bride, groom or best man is a window cleaner, or an MP In this chapter you will find several anecdotes and jokes about various jobs and hobbies. You will also find some good jokes and lines that would be particularly useful in each of the main speeches.

Realistic

Your story doesn’t have to be true, but it should sound as it if could be true. Reg Smythe, the cartoonist responsible for the long-running Andy Capp strip, used to say, ‘Never draw anything that hasn’t happened or couldn’t happen.’ The same principle applies to making a speech: you should never talk about anything that hasn’t happened or couldn’t happen. So it is fine to talk about a man with three hats, but not about a man with three heads.

Retellable

‘Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.’ That is what a bride is supposed to have about her on her wedding day. The first three things – something old, something new and something borrowed – also apply to the contents of a good speech. The fourth – something blue – most certainly does not.

GETTING IT RIGHT

Aim to be amusing but not too risqué. A little flippancy is fine but don’t say anything offensive or cynical. To say, ‘Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence’ is a great line for a stand-up comedian but not for a wedding speech. This is the bride’s day and no one should say a word against her or the institution of marriage. So while a little crack about her job or hobby is fine, there must be absolutely no reference to sex, or any previous relationships. Also, try to include a joke or two against yourself. Audiences love speakers who don’t take themselves too seriously. Before you tell a story or crack a joke, ask yourself whether it passes this test which the late and great Bob Monkhouse devised for all his potential material:

• 1.Do you think it is funny?
• 2.Can you say it confidently and with comfort?
• 3.Is there any danger of offending anyone
• 4.Will they understand and appreciate it

Do you think it is funny?

If you’re not really happy about a joke or story you will not tell it confidently. Not only that, your audience probably won’t find it funny either. Professional gagsters follow this maxim: If in doubt, leave it out. So should you.

Can you say it confidently and with comfort?

Stick to the KISS principle: Keep It Short and Simple. Avoid any long or complicated stories, difficult words or phrases and anything requiring regional or national accents. And ask yourself: Is this story right for me? A twenty-year-old should not tell a story about his silver wedding anniversary.

Is there any danger of offending anyone?

Avoid anything racist, sexist or ageist, and steer well clear of politics, religion, sex and disabilities. In short, use your common sense. Remember: If in doubt, leave it out.

Will they understand and appreciate it?

Your audience may be aged anything between 3 and 93 and they will probably have a very wide range of backgrounds. So it is impossible to give a speech totally suited to everyone present. However, what you can do is avoid the extremes of, on the one hand, telling childish jokes and, on the other hand, telling complicated, technical stories comprehensible only to a professor of applied nuclear physics. Also avoid in-jokes; they are a real turn-off for those not in the know. Finally, remember that some jokes which are really funny when read, can be totally incomprehensible when heard. This can be illustrated by the following:

Chris isn’t a great reader so I was surprised to find a tattered volume of an out-of-date encyclopaedia in his room. When I saw the letters on the side of the volume I laughed at the thought of what must have been his utter surprise and shattering disappointment when he first got the book home. The letters read: ‘HOW to HUG’.

You can see how this amusing confusion was caused, but you would not have easily appreciated it if you had heard the gag. (Its punchline: ‘The letters read: H-O-W to H-U-G’ would have sounded like double Dutch to you.) So the moral is clear: always rehearse your speech out loud, preferably in front of a small audience or on videotape. Then if something doesn’t work – as this one certainly wouldn’t have – take it out.