LOOKING TO THE FUTURE

‘Do not grieve for me when I am gone,’ wrote the poet Christina Rossetti, and this is excellent advice. Eventually the grieving has to stop and you have to break loose from the past, particularly if you now find yourself alone. If you were very close to the deceased your sense of loss will not go away easily, but you have to embrace the future no matter how old you may be or feel.

Death, like marriage, is a life-changing event which can open up new vistas and push you in new directions – into the unknown. The initial reaction may be to retreat into your shell; you feel life is hardly worth living and you need a lot of convincing that it has anything to offer you.

Here are a few suggestions for you to consider.

Move out

If you lived under the same roof as the deceased, the property will now seem larger and you may wonder if the time has now come for you to move into smaller and more compact accommodation. It could also hold so many poignant memories that they weigh down on you and you feel you need to escape.

Sometimes the decision is made for you. The house or flat may have to be sold or divided up according to the terms of the will. If the accommodation is rented you may have little option but to move out, as might be the case if the rental agreement is not in your name.

If the choice is up to you, you should not rush into hasty decisions. Selling a property and moving to new accommodation can be a tedious and lengthy process, and having experienced so much disruption in your life in recent weeks, you would be wise to pause before hurling yourself once more into the fray.

After a period of reflection – say, six months to a yearyou will have a much clearer picture of how you stand and the options available to you – one of which could well be to stay put.

Get out and meet people

Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone. It is important for you to get out and about rather than expect people to visit you. Some will mistakenly believe that you prefer to be left alone to grieve and feel awkward about approaching you. By getting out you will be sending out a signal that you wish to have company.

This chapter has listed a number of organisations which offer support to the bereaved. However, many of them go much further than that and offer you the opportunity to develop friendships with people who share similar experiences to you and would welcome your company.

Elderly people will find there are social clubs in their area which meet regularly for tea or lunch. Age Concern and Help the Aged can provide details of these. Community Health Councils and religious organisations are other good sources of information.

Develop new interests

If you have devoted a great deal of your time to looking after the person now deceased, you will eventually find that time hangs heavy. Now is the time to fill your newly acquired leisure time by taking up a new hobby, perhaps, or attending a course in a subject that interests you. Some bereaved people try to develop practical skills, such as cookery and financial management, which will enable them to cope better.

Local FE colleges and adult education centres normally have a broad range of study courses on offer, as do the Workers’ Educational Association and university continuing education departments whose brochures appear in public libraries around August and September. A course in an adult residential college is also an option, and if you require something more challenging you could enrol with the Open University.

An important result of attending courses like these is that you meet people, and the intellectual effort involved helps to stimulate the brain and chase away any brooding on the past. Although you may find study something of a struggle in the early stages, after a time you will find that the effort is worth it.

You will find addresses for these organisations in the Useful Addresses section.

Going on holiday

After a gruelling period of weeks and months getting things sorted, why not get away for a while? If friends and relations invite you to stay with them, you should jump at the chance. If the weather is foul and depressing, why not book yourself a holiday in the sun?

You may hesitate to do this, and certainly if you and the deceased have been used to holidaying together, it may require a little courage to go off on your own. One solution is to look around for friends or relations who are in a similar position and might be only too happy to go off on holiday with you.

If you feel you could manage alone, you could investigate some of the holiday companies which specialise in holidays for people who are single – or, if you have children, for single parents. However, don’t assume that all other travel firms cater solely for couples and families; many unattached people take such holidays and make friends as they go along. Cruises seem to provide a particularly good opportunity to meet others, as do study tours and adventure holidays, though the latter tend to be for the young and intrepid.

Holidays can have a therapeutic effect: they help you to put the recent past behind you and to recharge your batteries. Away from your normal surroundings you have an opportunity to think things over at leisure and consider what shape your future might take.

Going on Holiday, a factsheet published by Cruse Bereavement Care, offers some useful tips.

Find a new outlet for your energies

Although many of the people who have the greatest difficulty in coming to terms with bereavement are aged 60 plus, a substantial minority are not. They are the children, siblings, parents or friends of the deceased and will range from the very young to people in the prime of life.

Most will decide to carry on as normal; they may even start to put more effort into their work or study in a bid to shake off memories of the past. Others may feel the need to begin afresh and try a new job, a new career or some other new activity.

The way forward could be linked in some way to the person you have lost. Two parents whose daughter died of drug abuse began a campaign to warn other young people of the dangers of taking harmful substances. Another couple set up a small charity to improve facilities for profoundly disabled children as a result of their experiences.

You may prefer to work with institutions which are already functioning: helping out at a local hospice or offering support to victims of crime are just two examples of useful work you can do. If you now have fewer ties to hold you back, you could look into the possibility of getting a job abroad – as a volunteer in developing countries, perhaps.

Death is the end of one life, but it may well prove a turning point in the lives of those who live on. In the light of your new circumstances you should be prepared to re-examine your goals and embrace new challenges. Good luck!