REACTIONS TO DEATH

The death of a close family member or friend can give rise to a number of different feelings, some of which you may have never experienced before and may not know how to cope with. Be assured that you are not the first and only person to have had such feelings, and you may well recognise some of the more common reactions which are listed here.

Anger

Why did this person have to die? Why did this happen to me? This is a common reaction in the case of a death, especially one for which you were unprepared. The anger may be directed at the person who has died for leaving you in the lurch ... or at yourself for not anticipating it ... or towards others for their apparent indifference to your feelings. It is a good idea to find a close confidant with whom you can vent your anger rather than make a public display of it.

Anxiety

Anxiety is often triggered by a fear of the unknown, and if you have been close to a person for a period of decades and now find yourself alone, you may start to panic. You wonder what you are going to do and how you are going to manage now that life’s certainties are no longer there. Yet people often underestimate their ability to cope with adversity: problems are not insuperable and eventually work themselves out. If not, you should seek advice.

Grief

You are overcome with sorrow and want to shut yourself away and have a good cry. Such feelings occur as you come across objects associated with the deceased, look at photos of them or recall particular events in the past in which they were prominent. A good cry is nothing to be ashamed of and can, in fact, be very therapeutic. The custom of weeping and wailing at a person’s burial is quite normal in some cultures, so do not feel you have to bottle up your emotions and maintain a stiff upper lip.

Guilt

Could I have done something to prevent this? Why didn’t I spend more time with the deceased while he was still alive? Sometimes people are excessively hard on themselves and blame themselves for the death. By and large these feelings of guilt are misplaced, and the people who feel guilt most accutely are generally those who have made the greatest contribution to the dead person’s life.

Helplessness

You feel numb and lifeless and sit around doing nothing; you seem to lack the energy or inclination to do simple routine tasks; you cannot concentrate; nothing seems to matter any more and you feel you want to give up on life. This is where close friends and relations can be a boon and you should welcome any attempts on their part to buck you up and help you regain your confidence to do things.

Impatience

It can take months to sort out the deceased’s affairs, and you get annoyed at the amount of bureaucracy you have to wade through and the inordinate amount of time it takes to get even simple things done. It gets even worse if the funeral has to be delayed because of a coroner’s investigation. You need to accept that nothing you do can speed things up, and if you can divert your attention to activities over which you have some control, delays will prove less of an irritant.

Loneliness

If you shared much of your life with the deceased – and, more particularly, if you lived together – you will find a yawning gap in your life. The house or flat where you live will feel empty and there are times when you imagine you hear the deceased’s voice. To overcome feelings of loneliness you should resolve to get out of the house more and extend your circle of acquaintances. Don’t wait for people to come to see you; get out and join them. A pet can be an excellent companion, and if you do not have one, there are thousands of pets in animal shelters up and down the country looking for good homes.

Moodiness

People can experience a wide range of emotions when someone dies and sometimes there are violent mood swings from confidence to despair, from acceptance to bitterness. If you are the sort of person who is accustomed to keeping your feelings under control, these can be disconcerting and you may even wonder if you are losing your grip on reality. Though this is in no sense an abnormal reponse to stress, if you are at all worried you should seek advice from your doctor.

Physical reactions

Headaches, nausea, dizziness, lassitude, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, skin complaints, aches and pains – these are some of the physical effects that can be triggered by the death of a loved one or, indeed, any other unexpected change to one’s routine. If your emotional defences are at a low ebb, you may imagine you are suffering from all kinds of illnesses and ailments. Talk matters over with your doctor and he may be able to prescribe suitable remedies. In most cases there is nothing seriously wrong with you and the problems should soon pass.

Shock and denial

You cannot believe that someone close to you has died and you have problems in coming to terms with the death. This is particularly true if you have been living with a person for many years. You may expect the deceased to come walking in through the door at any moment, and it will take a period of readjustment before you come to accept that this will never happen again.

Fortunately some of the feelings experienced are positive ones. Here are a few which bereaved people have mentioned to me.

Gratitude

Sometimes it is not until people die and the tributes flow in that you recognise the contribution they have made to your life and that of so many others. It is then that you experience a feeling of gratitude – even pride – that you have had the privilege of knowing them and that they have lived such a fulfilling life.

Liberation

This may sound a very odd reaction, but there are countless numbers of people who have the responsibility of caring for an elderly or infirm relative or friend – a duty that places ever-increasing demands on one’s time and patience. Suddenly the burden is lifted, you are no longer bound to a strict routine and for once you have the luxury of plenty of time to devote to your own interests. You are free.

Relief

One acquaintance of mine recalled how she had wept a lot before her husband died, but hardly at all afterwards. This was not a sign of heartlessness, but seeing her partner decline before her eyes had been a harrowing experience, and she was clearly relieved that his pain and suffering were now at an end. When death brings a release from pain it is truly a blessing.

Acceptance

Some might brand this fatalism, but people with strong religious beliefs often adopt a more measured response to death, accepting it as part of the natural order of things. Their acceptance is strengthened by the conviction that death is not the end, and that the deceased has now passed on to a better and kinder world.