THE GRIEVING PROCESS

When a person dies, some cultures prescribe a period of mourning, as did our Victorian ancestors. The practice of wearing black for a certain period after a death is still practised in parts of the world where it is also common for close friends and relations to maintain a vigil by the coffin of the deceased. This tradition still holds when a prominent figure dies in the UK: the coffin is placed in a public setting for people to pass by and pay their respects.

Such practices are not just for show, but actually help with the grieving process by helping people to come to terms gradually with a person’s decease. It is a pity in some ways that in fast-moving Western societies traditions of this kind have fallen into abeyance. As a result there are fewer opportunities to grieve in the company of others.

The funeral

The tradition of elderly people wanting a decent funeral lingers on into this century, which may well explain the popularity of funeral plans. There is much to be said in favour of this idea, even if the person has only limited means.

Although a minority would consider an elaborate funeral a waste of time and money it serves two useful functions: it marks one of the three most important events in life (the others are birth and marriage) and offers consolation to the living. It is one of the principal pillars in the grieving process and, unless there is to be a separate thanksgiving service, represents the only opportunity for people to come together and pay their respects communally.

However, people come to funerals not only out of respect for the dead, but in order to have their spirits lifted. If it is a low key affair they may go away feeling disappointed.

A reception after the formalities are over can be viewed as an integral part of the ceremony offering the chance for relations and friends of the deceased to meet up again – often after a period of several years. The whole occasion represents the start of the healing process.

Memorials to the deceased

One way of coming to terms with a death is to have a memorial to the deceased – in the form of a gravestone, a plaque in a local cemetery, and an entry in the Book of Remembrance at the Cemetery. If there is to be a gravestone, the process of choosing a moumental mason and discussing the wording and design of the memorial can be very consoling. In the case of a plaque, which is usually made by the cemetery itself, only a few words are possible so your options are more limited.

Another popular idea is to plant a tree in a park in the person’s memory, or provide a public bench on which his or her name is inscribed.

All of these represent a place associated with the deceased which you can visit at times when you particularly wish to remember them – on their birthday, at Christmas or on the anniversary of their death. Friends and relations who may have been prevented from attending the funeral are thus able to pay their respects at the deceased’s final resting place.

Another idea is to have a living memorial – something that lives on after a person’s death. One widow I know sponsors an annual concert in her husband’s memory. A couple whose daughter died tragically during a gap year overseas built an accommodation block in her memory at an orphanage where she had worked. A widower whose young wife had died of Hodgkinson’s disease founded a small charity which supports research into this illness.

The gesture does not have to be elaborate or costly. A donation of books to a library, or the provision of an annual prize for an arts or sports competition, would help keep alive the memory of a loved one. In the case of a pet you can place a tribute on the Blue Cross and other websites. (See Pet Bereavement Support Service.)

Messages of condolence

Once news of the death spreads around, messages of condolence and sympathy cards begin to arrive. Some messages are brief, while others may be fulsome tributes to the dead person. Every one, however, contributes to the grieving process by showing that people care and share your affection for the individual concerned.

It is a good idea to display the cards for a period of time and keep the messages for inspection by anyone who visits. Looking at the cards and reading the messages can be a great consolation to those who knew the person well.

Is a response needed to these messages? No, but it can be beneficial to both sender and recipient to send a brief thank you (see Figure 17) or put a notice to this effect in a newspaper. After my mother’s funeral I was happy to send copies of the funeral service to those who sent letters and cards but were unable to attend the service.