Neighbourly Disputes

All over the country people have allowed their relationship with their neighbours to deteriorate to a level where they end up in civil or criminal courts, disputing some legal point or other. Usually it isn’t a deliberate act, it somehow seems to just ‘happen’. Disputes between neighbours tend to start with a small or even insignificant issue. One side or both sides ignore it assuming it will go away, but a nugget of resentment can grow into a major conflict. The longer it remains unattended the larger it grows and the more acrimonious it all becomes.

I could understand how Mr and Mrs Average would want to take out an injunction against an illegal all-night drinking club that was set up in the house next door. However, I could never understand how relationships between two average families could break down to such a level about something as stupid as a hedge. With my experience I have seen how simple issues can deteriorate into full-scale hostilities and it always, always, always involves generous helpings of ego, arrogance, pride and a monumental lack of communication.

As an example of just such a dispute, as a police officer I was called to what we term a ‘domestic dispute’. On arrival I found a younger man and a man who had taken early retirement rolling around on the front lawn of a house having a schoolboy style fight. We separated them and moved them apart to stop the dispute, then I spoke to the younger man and my colleague spoke to the older guy and we asked what had started the fight. After that we got together and compared the explanations.

• The young guy had said that he and his wife and son were trying to have a quiet life, but it was being ruined by the retired guy who was a miserable old devil, a killjoy who hated kids and wasn’t happy unless he was complaining about something.
• The older guy had said the young family were anti-social, the young guy was a lout who didn’t care about anyone other than himself and that he and his son were totally selfish and had absolutely no consideration for anyone but themselves.

Two strong and rather different views, but both men were absolutely certain that they were 100% right in what they were saying. Further discussion had disclosed the events that had caused them to form those opinions.

I tried to speak to them both but they were unwilling to listen to explanations, preferring to hurl abuse and accusations at each other. It was clear to me that the entire problem centred on a lack of understanding, which had been created by a communications blockage between them. Knowing what I knew after speaking to them both, I could see and, to an extent, understand both viewpoints. It was frustrating to me that compared to some calls I had to deal with this was all so ridiculous and was even worse because it had been brewing for at least seven months!

I got the two men back together, as from what I knew I thought they could resolve it if they only took time to sit and talk calmly over a cup of tea, but that suggestion was met with more anger and insults, only this time the wives joined in too. Unable and unwilling to waste more time on it I arrested both men and placed them in the back of the police van. I sat with them, while my colleague separated the wives who were now arguing and blaming each other for the arrest of their husbands.

In the back of the van I told both men to grow up and shut up while I described their problem, and then explained what was going to happen next in terms of cells and court appearances. As I described the problem as I saw it, one or the other would snort and give an ‘I-told-you-so’ gesture or look, and occasionally I had to shut them both up. This is what I told them.

When he was young the older guy had helped his father grow and show flowers in local competitions. His father died of cancer and the older guy had fallen into industrial work, where he worked long hours for low pay, living in a run-down city centre flat with no access to a garden. All his life he had wanted a garden so that he could again grow prize-winning flowers. When he became ill and was forced to give up work, the council moved them to a house with a small garden and it seemed to be an answer to his dreams.

When the younger family moved in next door, their son began ‘carelessly’ kicking balls around, damaging plants in the old guy’s garden. Complaints seemed to be ignored and in fact, the older guy thought the boy’s father was encouraging the boy to break plants. It all came to a head that weekend when prize competition blooms were snapped off by a stray football. Not wanting to ask for the return of the ball and no doubt taking a combative lead from his father’s attitude to the neighbour and his flowers, the boy climbed the fence and retrieved his own ball. Unfortunately, in doing so he trampled more plants and was spotted by the older guy, which was the direct cause of the confrontation and fight on the front garden lawn that we had witnessed.

Having heard all of that, the younger guy looked a little sheepish, and the older guy looked triumphant. They both started talking but I told them both to shut up and listen, then I carried on.

The younger guy’s son had fairly severe learning difficulties, and though he looked as though he was 12 years old, he had the mind of a child of six at best. Where they used to live the boy had been picked on, bullied and abused, making his parents desperate to protect him. The council had moved them to their current house, in a nice quiet neighbourhood where they hoped for a new start and a happy life for their son. Their peace didn’t last long when the cranky old guy from next door began to endlessly complain about balls and flowers. The young guy thought the old guy next door was deliberately picking on his disabled son, because he was different!

When I finished it was time for the older guy to look sheepish. He managed to say ‘I didn’t know’ then went quiet.

I de-arrested both of them and told them that now they had taken the time to explain their grievances and listen to the other side, they both understood what was causing the problems. I asked them to shake hands which they did quite readily, then I told them if I was called back they would be arrested again but this time they would be taken straight to custody and the courts. They left the van apologising to each other, lines of communication wide open and laying the foundations of understanding and friendship.

A few weeks later I was in the area and dropped in to see how things were. I found that the families were now the best of friends, the boy had taken to the old guy who was showing him how to grow flowers. He told me that the boy had a natural flair for gardening, and that growing the blooms he now understood why he should keep his ball off the flowers to prevent damage to them. If they had only taken time to talk in the first place, there would have been no fight and they could have avoided months of misery.

There are several routes that neighbourly disputes can take.

Solicitors

If a neighbourly dispute has reached the stage of involving solicitors it has not got out of control, it has been out of control for a long time. Consulting a solicitor will quickly achieve four things:

• It will help to make solicitors on both sides rich.
• It will escalate your dispute to a new level of bitterness and distress.
• It will complicate your dispute beyond recognition.
• Nobody will actually be happy when it is resolved.

If you have a problem, at least try to resolve it amicably yourself.

‘Friendly’ dispute resolution

We will use the example of the broken flowers above to illustrate the process. Disputes are almost always based on lack of information, misunderstanding and a breakdown of communications between the two parties. (In some cases, drug or drink problems and mental disorders cause or allow people to do things that are deliberately intended to aggravate neighbours. These cases are very rare.)

If a dispute or problem seems to be surfacing, talk it through with your neighbours as soon as you can. It may be carelessly parked cars, loud music, or apparently aggressive pet dogs. The earlier you address the problem, the smaller it is and the easier it will be to resolve it.

Talk to your neighbours

You should at least be talking to your neighbours, even if you are only asking if they have seen the postman yet or are jointly complaining about the weather. Though I accept that some people seem to adopt neighbours as honorary ‘close family’, constantly dropping in to each other’s houses and discussing the most intimate details of their lives, you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. Some people want to maintain what they see as their privacy and independence. They don’t want to adopt an open door, walk-in-when-you-want-to policy. Either way, you build relationships, which involve as much trust and contact as close as you all want.

No matter what anyone might say, we don’t live in isolation. We are inevitably part of our local community to some extent or other. As such, we should automatically and naturally build relationships with the people we come into contact with in that community, whether it is a ‘best friend’ relationship with the couple next door or just a nodding first names contact across the fence or supermarket trolley when you see them.

If you try to pretend they don’t exist and ignore opportunities to at least say hello, they will assume that you are deliberately snubbing them. You might see it as simply an attempt not to get too closely involved, or perhaps a dignified way to maintain your distance and privacy. Unfortunately they probably see you as an arrogant, pretentious snob who thinks he or she is too good to talk to them. Though you were doing it innocently you might be planting the seeds of a nasty dispute that could make life a misery for you all. It doesn’t take much to adopt a casual friendship. Offer to cut the lawn while they are on holiday, keep a watch on the house and maybe buy fresh bread and milk for them the day they are due back – it’s as simple as that!

Simple courtesy is all that is required, with a touch of human warmth and natural concern. That approach will keep communications lines open, which makes it easier should you need to discuss a developing problem.

Resolving Neighbourly Disputes

Every case is different. Most people are normal and average just like you and me. They want a quiet life just as much as you do. I have proposed some steps below that should help you to resolve a dispute under normal circumstances. If you are the unlucky one in a million who does live next door to a drug crazed homicidal maniac you could still try these steps. If you do, make sure you are safe and be prepared to call the authorities before it escalates to violence.

Step 1 – Discuss the problem

Because you are (or should already be) on reasonably friendly terms with your neighbours you can at least speak to them. Be diplomatic when you approach them, and ask ‘if they have time to help you with a little problem’.

Using the broken flower problem described above as our neighbourly dispute, I would expect the discussions and negotiations to progress along the lines of the description below.

The initial approach is important and sets the tone for the entire process. Be friendly and explain what the problem is in calm terms. Rather than say ‘What the hell are you going to do about your delinquent kid wrecking my garden?’, I would say something more like ‘Could you spare a moment to help me work out how I can protect my flowers?’

If you used the ‘delinquent’ introduction, they are already on the defensive because you have attacked them, their child, as well as their upbringing and control of their child. The suggested ‘protecting the flowers’ approach has let them know that you have what you consider to be a problem, but you have not laid blame or confronted them. Everything is amicable and they agree to come round to talk.

Some people think that making that first conciliatory move is a sign of weakness, but I don’t see it like that. I see it as a demonstration of maturity, good interpersonal skills and the first step to achieving your goal. After all, your objective is to stop your flowers getting damaged, not to lay blame, get revenge or impose punishment.

So the guy next door has agreed and is now following you into your garden. I would ask him in for a cup of tea, put the kettle on and sit thim down while the kettle boils. During this period I would take the opportunity to show off my trophies and certificates that I have won over the years for my prize blooms.

By doing that I just smoothly achieved a number of things. I extended a conciliatory olive branch by inviting him in and making that tea. I have relaxed him, he isn’t on the defensive. I have opened up to him – I am more of a person than just an unknown neighbour to him now. He now knows how important flowers are in my life and also knows that I grow prize-winning flowers for local shows. We chat a while about my trophies, and I give him an opportunity to boast about his car maintenance skills, pedigree cat or whatever else he passes his time with. He has finished his tea, it’s time to move my mission forward.

‘Here let me take your cup. Tell you what, come out into the garden and I’ll show you my dahlias, I’m hoping to win a best in show this summer.’

He is still relaxed, no conflict yet. He might think I spend too much time with my dahlias, but so far he has no reason to dislike me let alone want to fight me. In the garden I show him my prize blooms, working round to the problem. At last we reach the broken plant with his son’s footprints all around it.

‘Ah this is it Colin,’ (see, we are on first name terms now). ‘This is the problem I was talking about. Look, I know kids like to play but I noticed your Sam came over to get his ball and accidentally stood on this plant.’

Colin is getting defensive now, I wasn’t aggressive but he is beginning to think that I am accusing his one and only son and heir of murdering my prize blooms. Having spotted that coming I will immediately defuse the situation, remove the conflict, back away from accusations and give him a way of saving face in these circumstances.

‘I’m lucky it wasn’t one of my prize plants Colin,’ (even if it was). ‘Sam’s a good lad and I know it was an accident but I was wondering if you could suggest a way I could protect these flowers – it’s the big show in two weeks’ time.’

No accusations have been made and there has so far been no excuse for any confrontation. By my saying that, he sees that I have pulled back from appearing to lay blame or make accusations. At the same time I have explained exactly what the problem is, shown him how serious it is to my lifestyle, and better still asked him for help in protecting my other plants and he is probably a little flattered that I need his help.

Step 2 – Look for a solution

Having drunk a cup of tea and chatted for 15 minutes, Colin is now fully aware of the problem as I see it, we are still on friendly terms and no accusations or confrontations have taken place. It’s time for Colin to speak.

‘Wow, will it recover?’ He is showing concern, at the same time as finding out if the plant is dead or if it will recover given time.

‘Yes, it’ll come back, but it’s these I’m worried about. Young Sam’s got a good goal-scoring kick but my dahlias don’t make very good goalies.’

I bought humour in to defuse any traces of tension that were building up, at the same time as praising young Sam. My neighbour can do one of three things now and they are:

• Kick a few more plants to death and jump over the fence telling me all the plants will be dead by next week (not likely).
• Promise to do something about it, go home and forget about it (again not likely now we are on friendly terms).
• Promise to do something about it and stay to discuss how we can protect the plants from that accidental kick (a win-win situation).

Under the circumstances, I suspect that he will adopt the third option and make genuine efforts to stop the ball from damaging my plants.

With the calm explanation and an absence of blame and accusations, we have done several things.

We made sure that the neighbour knows that:

• Flowers have been damaged (you just showed him).
• They aren’t just flowers they are prize-winning blooms you have been raising for weeks.
• By growing them you have been working towards a particular and important flower show.
• You aren’t laying blame, you are just looking for a solution.
• You are being open and offering friendship.

Step 3 – Implement the solution

You should now implement the agreed solution, while building on the neighbourly relationship.

Remember that you should not try to be too clever or manipulative, because that shows when you are dealing with people. If you try to manipulate people you will cause a conflict. The description above is not intended to be a lesson in manipulating your neighbours. It simply describes the approach I would take to avoid any appearance of confrontation or accusation.

Summary

• You should be talking to your neighbours and so be able to approach them to discuss any problems that occur (note I said discuss, not confront or accuse).
• Discuss any problems as soon as you can; the longer you leave it the worse it will get and the greater the effort needed to resolve it.
• Avoid laying blame and avoid any confrontation. The more amicable the discussion the more likely you are to agree on a solution that is acceptable to everyone.
• Be ready to compromise to achieve a solution.
• Don’t see the solution as a victory, and don’t gossip about the conflict. Because people gossip your neighbours might get to hear a twisted version of your description of the problem. For example, if the gossip has got round to Mrs Biggins she might be telling everyone that you are saying that Colin is so thick and spineless that it took you just two minutes to persuade him to put up a trellis on his side of the fence. Gossip you can live without, so keep any dispute, discussion, negotiation and agreement between the two of you. (If you hear any gossip about the dispute, accept that it is just gossip and don’t get upset at the way it may have been exaggerated or twisted in the telling.)