The lawyer explained each stage of the proceedings which began with signing the compromis de vente. This quite literally means ‘the compromise of sale’ – the agreement between the parties of what is to be purchased for what price. The contract is a standard one where the only get out clauses (conditions suspensives) related to us obtaining a suitable mortgage. Other conditions suspensives which could have applied, related to planning reports and the owner’s authority to sell.

So, in this case, as we were paying cash, we were in fact already committed. If we backed out we lost our ten per cent deposit. The positive side of this is that there is no French word that translates as guzumping.

The document also set out the responsibilities of the vendor and purchaser, and indicated our responsibilities in maintaining fencing and rights of access. The section of stream that passed under the ancient packhorse bridge and ran alongside the property was jointly owned with our neighbour. I was asked to imagine drawing a notional line down the middle. Our fishing and navigation rights ended at that invisible line. Although, in theory, there was nothing to prevent me luring a trout away from my neighbour’s bank by dangling a tasty maggot in my half of the stream, navigation was more complex. As the stream was just two and a half metres wide the lawyer suggested that I could perhaps negotiate an informal flexible agreement of mutual rights to cover such matters as course-plotting and mooring. It was also pointed out that as the stream had a name – L’ Odorat – it was, strictly speaking, a river. This, however had no legal significance.

Property surveys, at least of the truncated kind we have become used to in the UK for valuation purposes, are not required in France. Indeed, even if you are arranging a French mortgage the lending organisation very rarely bothers to check the property. This is largely because the maximum possible loan is usually pegged at 80% of the purchase price.

However, there can be no doubt that a full survey (géometre) is a good idea. The outcome is a document which describes the property in detail, lists all its faults and prioritises repairs. The survey can be used as a negotiating tool but only if you have not already signed the compromis de vente. The way round this would have been, with the vendor’s agreement, to have added a suspensive survey clause to the compromis de vente. This could have said, for instance:

‘The purchaser need not proceed if the architect/surveyor reports that in his opinion works of repair costing, in his estimation, more than €50,000 are essential.’

With the benefit of hindsight there can be no doubt that we should have opted for this. But survey charges were not included in Les Maisons Formidable’s ‘all inclusive fee’ and the full géomètre is expensive and the negotiations that inevitably follow can take time. With a property very obviously in need of TLC it is easy for the vendor to argue that all faults, however drastic, are already reflected in the price. It then comes down to whether you want to pull out of the deal or not and that remains an emotional decision, albeit an informed one.

So, in practice, it often comes down to how much you can trust your builder. Or, in our case how much we could trust the estate agent who recommended the builder. The important thing seemed to be that Kevin was registered. This meant that he was working legally and his qualifications and experience met the required trade standards in France. It was a kind of assurance.

We knew that local tradesman play ‘spot the bodger’. They will happily shop him and will even do so with special relish if he is not French. Also it is worth noting that all exterior changes to property are checked to see if the work has been carried out properly. If something is wrong, and it is shown that you have used an unregistered builder, you could just end up in the same dock as the unhappy cowboy.

As well as this there is the tax angle. In theory all improvements can be taxed on a local basis and again when you come to sell the property. The local increase is unlikely to amount to much and even Capital Gains Tax is only usually a problem if you over develop; it is intended primarily to catch those who are, in effect, professional developers. To set against this charge is the ‘original value of the property’ (the purchase price) and an element of indexation if property values have increased. You can also claim back most of your costs which means keeping receipts and invoices which must, of course, come from registered suppliers and tradesmen.

One of the things that was most obviously wrong with the exterior of this property was that the shower emptied itself via a purpose-placed pipe down the wall below. From there, apart from a damp patch and a few puddles, the flow continued into the garden. The arrangement for waste water from the kitchen was similar, but according to Kevin, no surveyor would have bothered to comment on this. It was, certainly for its time, the standard design for grey water disposal. Standard it may be, but it was also worrying, and it could just be expensive to put right.

In France older properties are bought ‘as seen’ although the owner is obliged to reveal all known defects. But as La Maison D’Etre was, in effect, one massive defect this was not particularly helpful. However, it was agreed (ahead of us signing the contract) that Kevin would to be allowed access to poke around with a screwdriver to back up his assessment or to prove, at least, that the building would not imminently collapse in a heap of rubble. Well, at least that was the theory.

Through various searches and certificates the acte authentique clearly identified the property and its ‘domains’. These documents also referred to the relevant planning regulations, easements and guarantees. In effect this confirmed everything set out in the compromis de vente as well as providing us with an analysis of the use of the property during the previous 50 years. La Maison D’Etre had in turn been the residence of a minor comte, a farm, a restaurant, a home for superannuated priests and a husky breeding farm. It was not so much a slippery slope as a cliff fall of decline.

The total cost of buying the property was something like £28,000. This was made up of the purchase price plus legal fees, stamp duty, land transfer, and regional and local taxes. Included in the total was £6,000 to Les Maisons Formidable. We now know that a French agent would have charged a fraction of that amount. It would have been cheaper still if we had bought directly through a notaire or had found the property in a local small ad. There had also been nothing in the legal labyrinth that had not been dealt with routinely by the notaire.

But Les Maisons Formidable did keep their promise of further assistance following the purchase. Just days after we took possession of the property a letter arrived. They hoped that the purchase of the property would bring us great joy. They also offered ‘a continuing range of professional services and advice for just £100 an hour’. Cheap at twice the price, no doubt.

Some aspects of their working practice were extremely cynical. The idea, for instance, of income from either a gîte or a bed and breakfast operation had been appealing; it could even have been crucial to our survival. They made it sound so easy by totally ignoring the practicalities of setting up any kind of business, which should have at least included considering the location and the costs of appropriate facilities and marketing. Of course, I should have known better.

Two years on, we are still waiting for someone from Les Maisons Formidable to ‘pop round for a cup of tea’. The pot is cold now. Doris has promised, however, should they call, to boil up a nice big kettle of very hot water.

More than half a million Brits own a second home abroad. But some banks, including some big high street names are still charging up to 4% over the odds for currency exchange. The difference between the best and the worst can be as much as £3,000 on a property costing £70,000.

One thing we got right was making the most of the exchange rate. We had bought euros forward, betting, in effect, against the pound. I’d watched the market trend for weeks before purchasing on line through www.fcukdirect.com. They are efficient and competitive; I have used them before and will do so again.

Even if you are doing an instant transfer, you should shop around. The specialist foreign currency houses should be top of your list. Your high street bank could just be competitive and you may even get a decent rate from Visa or, at a pinch, check out the Post Office. If convenience is more important than common sense buy at the port of entry, and if you really want to throw money away, any travel agent will be happy to oblige. The difference between the best and the worst deals on offer is considerable; in our case it paid for a nice set of kitchen units.