340 How assertive are you? Do you find it difficult to be honest with yourself? Are you open and truthful with other people? If not, why do you think this is?

How likely is it that it has something to do with your self-esteem?

341 Make a list of occasions in the past when you did not say what you meant or neglected to stand up for yourself.

Now make a list of specific situations in which you would like to be more assertive in the future, or people with whom you would like to be more assertive, e.g. at work, in shops and restaurants, with your boss, pushy salespeople, your spouse, parents, or children, etc.

342 Assertive behaviour is:

• Saying what you think and how you feel calmly and politely.
• Making your point clearly and with conviction.
• Being in touch with your intuition and inner desires, and trusting and valuing them.
• Expressing your feelings honestly and with consideration for others.
• Sticking to your point. If necessary, repeating it until you’ve achieved your preferred outcome.
• Standing up for your rights without violating the rights of others.
• Being clear on what you want and asking for it.
• Knowing when to ‘chill out’ and when to ‘come on strong’.
• Never deliberately hurting others’ feelings.

If you haven’t been assertive until now, this is the time to start. You may feel uncomfortable to start with, but don’t be put off. Practise! The rewards are too great to ignore.

343 Do you believe you always have the right to:

If you have answered ‘no’ to any of these questions, why do you think that is? All these are fundamental human rights, so make a commitment to change.

344 Listen carefully. Become a good listener. Show the other person that you are interested and understand what they are saying. Otherwise you may be responding to something you haven’t heard and the other person didn’t mean.

345 Do it now. Timing is important. If you are upset by someone’s words or actions, challenge them now. Don’t wait – the opportunity may not come and you may find yourself churning over what you wish you’d said.

It’s always better (and less stressful) to tackle a situation as it occurs than say or do nothing and allow it to get worse.

346 Adopt assertive body language and tone of voice:

• Adopt an assertive tone of voice. Speak and breathe unhurriedly – assertive people talk with a steady, clear tone and breathe slowly as they speak. Take your time. If you speak too fast or gabble, your words lack authority.
• Eye contact and gestures are important. Shifty, wandering eyes denote lack of confidence or lack of trustworthiness; conversely, a hard stare is intimidating. Give relaxed eye contact – not too little, not too much.
• Take in a breath before you’re ready to speak. This helps you to be more self-composed.
• Hands are very expressive. Impatient, forceful gestures are threatening. Fidgeting, scratching and constantly touching your hair and face indicate tension.
• Develop a firm handshake – it denotes strength and integrity.
• Use silence to your advantage. Silence can be intimidating. It can indicate that you’re too upset or frightened to speak, or have nothing to say. It can also be empowering.
• Use personal space. The more space you take up, the more important you appear. On the other hand, moving too close is unsettling. So get close – but not too close!
• Posture is important. An upright stance makes you look more important, even if you’re not especially tall. It makes you look younger and slimmer too. Carry yourself as if you are worth taking notice of. Stand tall, neck and shoulders relaxed, arms loose at your side. Sit up straight, and avoid crossing your legs and folding your arms – this indicates a defensive attitude

347 Be specific: don’t beat about the bush. Make your point clearly and with conviction. Say it calmly but firmly. Never say anything you don’t really mean.

If you find this difficult, you may have to confront your fears. Why are you afraid to speak your mind? What’s the worst that could happen? Is it anything more than the other person disagreeing with you or refusing to go along with your ideas? If so – that’s not really scary at all, is it?

348 Refer to the behaviour you find upsetting and say how it affects you. Attacking a person’s character or integrity is an act of aggression and usually self-defeating. It gets their back up and makes it unlikely they will want listen to you. So if you feel you have to criticise, always restrict your remarks to their behaviour rather than having a go at the individual. Express your feelings openly.

Tell them how you feel about it – you have a perfect right to do so. If you wish, you may diffuse tension by being open. ‘I feel awkward about saying (or asking you) this, but I’d like you to...’

349 Say what you would like to happen next. Keep in mind what you would like to happen as a result of your words. For example, if someone is gossiping about your friend, say to them: ‘I don’t like it when you talk about my friend like that. It doesn’t reflect well on you and makes me feel very unhappy. I would like you to promise to stop it, please.’

Here’s a form of words you can use when you want to ask someone to change their behaviour:

‘When you... I feel uncomfortable/it makes me feel... and if it continues/if you don’t stop... I want you to...’

350 Use silence to your advantage. Silence can be uncomfortable. It can indicate that a person is upset or too frightened to speak, or have nothing to say.

But it can also be empowering. If you can handle silence better than others, you’re in the driving seat. Make your point, then stay quiet. Stay calm and relaxed while the other person considers their response. Observe carefully.

351 Persevere. If you are being ignored or not taken seriously, simply repeat the essential parts of your message and, if necessary, keep repeating it. Change the words used if you wish, but not the message. Avoid being sidetracked.

Obviously you won’t always get your own way, but if you say it right at least you’ve made your mark, you’ll feel better about yourself and you will almost certainly be taken more seriously in future. And if you find you have to go along with actions you didn’t support and it doesn’t work out, you can point out that didn’t do it willingly.

352 A few words of warning. Your friends and colleagues may have problems adjusting to the new self-confident and assertive you. They may even feel threatened by it.

Don’t be put off. You won’t want to be knocked back to where you were, and why should you? Just be sensitive to their feelings until they’ve got used to the new you.

353 Asking for what you want. You’d be amazed how many opportunities open up to you when you know how to ask for what you want.

• Be clear on the outcome you want.
• Choose the right time and place.
• Ask the right person – someone who is potentially willing and able to grant your request – and make sure you have their full attention.
• Work out what you’re going to say beforehand.
• Be specific. If you need help, what kind of help? From whom?
• Don’t apologise. Avoid phrases like: ‘I’m afraid’ and ‘I’m sorry but...’
• Think of the benefits to the other person and, if it helps your case, point them out.
• Don’t be sidetracked. If the other person won’t agree, keep repeating your request.
• Anticipate their reaction and work out a strategy in advance. Mentally rehearse your response.
• If your request is rejected or ignored, calmly and persistently repeat your demand as many times as necessary.
  • ‘You may not have heard me but...’
  • ‘Let me say it again...’
  • ‘But the point is...’
  • Ask for the reason for their refusal. Bear in mind that the explanation given at first may not be the real reason, so keep asking ‘Why?’ ‘Why not?’
  • If this still doesn’t work try showing that you understand the other person’s point of view before repeating the request. ‘I realise that... but I still want you to...’
• If you still don’t get what you want, learn from your experience and apply it next time.
• Accept the outcome politely and with gratitude.

354 How to say ‘no’ (and make it sound like a compliment). Many people find saying ‘no’ problematical. They want to be liked, but in the long run only create a far worse situation by saying ‘yes’ when they don’t mean it. The secret is to find a pleasant way to say ‘no’, stay calm and hold firm.

• Smile, use a pleasant tone of voice and warm, open body language to show the other person you aren’t being unkind.
• Make it clear that you are rejecting the request, not the person.
• It’s often a good idea to soften your answer so as not to offend. For instance:
  • ‘I’d prefer not to...’
  • ‘That’s a wonderful offer, but I’m not interested at present.’
  • ‘I’m sorry you’ve got that problem, but there’s nothing I can do.’
  • ‘I’d love to help, but it’s just not possible.’
  • ‘It’s a good idea, but I can’t work on it with you at the moment.’
• Use humour if appropriate.
• Show that you’ve understood the request, and make the reply short and to the point, e.g. ‘I realise that... (paraphrase their proposition) but the answer is no.’
• Try complimenting the other person before refusing, e.g. ‘I admire your charity and the work you do, but I don’t wish to place an advertisement in your magazine at this time.’
• If they persist, hold firm. Only change your mind if you want to. A useful tactic is to say, ‘You aren’t trying to pressure me, are you?’ Nine times out of ten they’ll back down.
• Don’t apologise nor feel obliged to justify your decision.
• Stall if necessary. You can always ask for more time to think it over if you are undecided. Say ‘Let me think about that before I answer.’ This allows you to become aware of what you really want or don’t want.
• Silence can be very effective, e.g. ‘I’m sorry you’ve got that problem.’ Then stop talking and wait for a response. You don’t have to play ‘rescuer’.

At times, there’s no way round it – you just have to say ‘no’ and keep saying ‘no’ until they get the message.