355 How happy are you? Write down a number between zero and ten, where ten signifies that you are blissfully happy all the time, and zero that you are totally, irretrievably and permanently miserable.

How happy would you like to be on a scale of zero to ten? (If you score yourself less than ten, why is this?)

356 Studies show that happy people tend to:

• Be hopeful about the future.
• Enjoy good health.
• Have a wide range of rewarding pastimes and hobbies.
• Avoid indulging in blame and self-pity.
• Make the most of things as they are.
• Enjoy warm family relationships.
• See the funny side of life.
• Have work that is enjoyable and fulfilling.
• Be people-orientated.
• Refuse to dwell on their troubles.
• Use their time productively.
• Have close friends of both genders.

Which of these apply to you?

If all applied, would you be happier? Then add them to your list of goals or qualities you wish to acquire (if you haven’t already). Each and every one can be learned and developed using the ITIA formula and TGROW approach.

357 Are you relying on achieving your goals to make you happy? If so, beware.

Studies show that people who believe that achieving their goals will make them happy are usually disappointed. They easily become frustrated by the gap between their aspirations and their actual achievements, and are prone to stress-related illness. You will never be truly happy if your happiness depends on your achievements. Why? Because:

• 1The idea that happiness will automatically be bestowed on you when some future event takes place is a fallacy, unless you are reasonably happy to start with and approach your activities with eagerness and joy.
• 2Goals anticipate and look to the future, but happiness can only exist in the here and now.
• 3Happiness is an inner state. You can’t buy or sell it, wear it or drive it, go on holiday to it or receive it as a gift. Some live in poverty and are happy; others are worth millions, but are not. This is probably not what you’ve been taught – plenty of people have a vested interest in persuading you that only by buying their products can you find contentment.

Moreover, if your happiness depends on what others think of you, you’re giving them the power to choose your emotional state. You can’t control the thoughts, feelings, words or actions of others, and it’s a fact of life that you won’t get on with everyone and not everyone you meet will like you.

So is there any truth in the idea that happiness is a choice you make by adopting a certain way of thinking. Was Abraham Lincoln right when he said, ‘Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be’?

Yes – to some extent, but it isn’t the whole story. Happiness is a combination of attitude and emotion, and as we know, permanent and lasting change only comes about when all four elements of the ITIA formula – intention + thought + imagination + action – are applied.

358 Self-acceptance is a prerequisite of genuine happiness. It is impossible to be happy unless you are first able to love and acknowledge yourself as you are, warts’n’all. If you believe that you will only be able to accept yourself after you’ve achieved all your goals, you’re mistaken. Self-acceptance is a necessary step in the process; it leads to success, not the other way round. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to achieve, but needing to achieve brings nothing but unhappiness. Many who are driven to achieve don’t find happiness even when they succeed.

No amount of knowledge, skills, accolades and accomplishments can compensate for a lack of self-acceptance. (If you need help, I recommend my book 365 Steps to Self-Confidence – see Appendix.)

359 Are you willing to be happy? Write down your answers to the following questions;

• What absolutely must happen or be present for me to be happy?
• What would I prefer to happen or be present for me to be happy?

Your answers indicate your ‘rules’ for happiness. These are your beliefs about the conditions that have to be met for you to feel happy. Overzealous rules can literally wipe out your chances of ever being happy.

Let’s take an example. An elderly friend of mine, a lady of modest means, suffers from Parkinson’s disease, and is one of the happiest people I know. ‘Every morning when I wake up’ she says, ‘I look out of the window. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I tell myself it’s another wonderful day. I have a loving family, lots of friends and I’m glad to be alive.’

When asked about her condition, she says, ‘It’s inconvenient, but it doesn’t hurt, and thanks to the medication, I can live virtually a normal life.’ Her ‘rules for happiness’ are so simple, it’s almost impossible for her to be sad.

How about you? Are you willing to be happy? Then examine your rules for happiness. If they’re too complicated, rigid or numerous, simplify them. Then resolve to live by your new rules.

360 Realise that happiness is much more than fun. Fun is important. I urge you to have as much fun as you can, so long as you don’t equate happiness with fun alone. Happy people certainly have fun, but they’re not the same.

Fun activities bring pleasure, make us laugh and temporarily forget our problems, but the effect soon diminishes once the activity ends. If you seek endless fun you’ll have an empty, longing feeling once the party is over, because you’re not addressing some of the other important issues that bring genuine happiness.

True happiness demands accepting the highs and lows, the rough and the smooth, the ups and downs of life. Happiness is not merely an absence of problems. Life is a school – look for the lessons in every situation, and welcome problems as challenges to be turned into opportunities using your ingenuity.

361 Mix with happy people. Happiness is infectious. It rubs off. So does unhappiness.

Get caught up in the happiness spiral. Work on your own happiness so you can spread it to others and attract happy people who infect you with their zest for life. Mix with people who know how to enjoy themselves, but also have a sense of purpose and enthusiasm. Life is meant to be exciting and enjoyable.

362 Laugh loud and laugh often. The ability to laugh is one of the best indications of good physical and mental health. We feel good when we laugh; it alters our body chemistry, flooding the bloodstream with the happy hormones, endorphins, which bring about powerful feel-good sensations.

When we feel good we laugh and smile. It also works in reverse. When we laugh and smile we feel good. Read funny books, watch funny TV programmes, films and DVDs, and mix with people who share your sense of humour. And practise the ‘inner smile’: the more you smile inwardly to yourself, the more you’ll experience a sense of happiness and wellbeing.

363 Count your blessings. Keep your thoughts on all the good things in your life, including those you love and love you. List them in your Self-Coaching Journal. Read them through often. Add to them whenever you can.

All happy people have an attitude of gratitude. Count your blessings every day.

364 Be here now. One of the biggest steps you can take to happiness and peace of mind is learning to appreciate the ‘here and now’.

At this moment you are reading this sentence. You may also have one eye on the TV and be vaguely aware of other people around you. You may be lying on a beach or out in the countryside. At this precise moment all is well in your world.

Whatever happened in the past – last year, last week, five minutes ago – is gone forever. You can’t change it. Learn from your yesterdays, but don’t cling to them. And who knows how many more precious moments like these await you tomorrow, the day after, next week…

How can you ever be happy if you constantly agonise over past mistakes and wish you could go back and relive parts of your past? Change your self-talk; visualise something different, and stop complaining, blaming and criticising yourself.

You can only live one day at a time. Now is the only moment over which you have control, so make the most of it. And remember the last line of Gone With The Wind – ‘Tomorrow is another day!’.

365 The final secret of happiness is to understand that it is not the achievement of our goals that brings happiness, but the sense of purpose and direction they bring. Ironically, whether you actually achieve them is almost immaterial. Providing you are not selfishly motivated, the attempt alone provides the sense of satisfaction you seek. The primary reward, to quote author David McNally, ‘is not the goal, but what you become as a result of doing all that was necessary to reach the goal.’

If you succeed – great! If not, at least you’ve enjoyed trying. But you probably will. When you find what you love, put your heart and soul into it and make sure it benefits others as well as yourself, your life takes on new meaning and everything works out entirely for the best.