76 The Law of Attraction states that whatever we focus our attention on and think about most often, we attract into our lives. We create events and circumstances into our lives according to our dominant thoughts. Any line of thinking which we believe and on which we constantly dwell takes root in the subconscious and cannot fail to influence us.

When you place your attention on what you can’t do, don’t have and can’t have, and mentally justify why you can’t do or have them (which many people do), you act on what you can’t do and can’t have, and then, according to the Law of Attraction, they materialise in your life. On the other hand, when you fill your mind with happy, constructive and loving thoughts, you become happy, constructive and loving, and attract others of the same disposition and create the best possible circumstances for yourself.

We are each a walking manifestation of our predominant thoughts. For some this is rather frightening, but once you realise that you are the only person who can think your thoughts, and that you are in charge of your thoughts, it becomes exciting. You realise that, no matter what has gone before, you have the power to move in any direction you choose.

From now on, be very careful what you think about!

77 The key to using the full power of your mind is the ITIA formula. ITIA stands for:

78 Take a deep breath, close your eyes and relax.

In your mind’s eye, examine the events and circumstances of your life. Don’t judge, criticise or condemn.

Consider how your way of thinking has shaped your reality.

How have your beliefs affected your life?

How have your actions and habits created your life?

79 When we are thinking, we are talking to ourselves. This inner conversation is the ‘internal dialogue’ or self-talk. It is, in effect, the functioning of your conscious mind. The internal dialogue is conditioned by past experience and what we believe about ourselves and the world.

Obviously the most draining, tiresome and morale-destroying conversations we have with ourselves else are those which focus on our weaknesses, bad luck (real or imagined), failures and deficiencies. From now on, stop criticising yourself, and don’t dwell on your ‘faults’. Most of your so-called faults are simply programmed thinking patterns which fall away as you become more aware of yourself.

Make it a motto to never say anything about yourself, either silently or out loud, that you don’t want to materialise in your life.

80 Ask yourself:

• How are my current thoughts, words and actions creating my future?
• Where is my predominant way of thinking leading me?
• Is it where I want to go?

Spend some time on this. It can be very instructive.

81 Listening to your self-talk, emphasising the positive trains of thought and gently distancing yourself from the negatives is the starting point of turning your thinking around.

Every day you think around 50,000 thoughts. Most of these float up from the subconscious and are heavily conditioned by past experiences. You can’t stop them, but you can decide what to do with them. If they are constructive to what you want, carry on thinking those thoughts. If not, let them go.

82 ‘Mindfulness’ is simply being aware of your thoughts. You become more mindful by listening to your ‘internal dialogue’ or ‘self-talk’.

Try this: stop what you are doing for a few moments. Be still and listen to your thoughts. Don’t be too analytical or judgmental; simply register what is taking place. If your mind starts to wander, bring it back. Your mind will gradually quieten down and you’ll gain a new insight into its workings.

Do this several times a day.

83 Once you have mastered the above exercise, start to frequently check on your level of positivity. Pause for a few moments every so often and ask yourself:

• Did I just react negatively?
• Have I reacted negatively at all today?
• Am I focusing on solutions, not problems?
• How can I improve?

Keep reminding yourself that positive thinking creates happiness and success.

84 Warning! As you become more self-aware, you may surprise yourself with just how ingenious you can become in creating excuses for hanging on to old thinking patterns.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing that negative thinking is more realistic, or that if you started thinking positively you’d be lying to yourself, or your friends would go off you. None of these are true. Refuse to entertain such thoughts.

85 It’s a fact that your conscious mind can only hold one thought at a time. This means that when you are dwelling on disempowering thoughts, you are blocking out empowering thoughts. Therefore the sooner you can let go of disempowering thoughts, the better.

Do this using the thought stopping technique. As soon as you become aware of an unwanted thought, say ‘Stop!’, ‘Cancel!’ or ‘Go away!’ Let it go. If you’re on your own, do something physical like clapping your hands or stamping a foot, which immediately breaks the pattern. You can also imagine closing a book, a symbolic gesture that that’s the end of it. Practise this until you can use it effortlessly at any time.

If you catch yourself thinking negatively, don’t be angry with yourself – this would merely be exchanging one disempowering thought for another. Instead, just drop the thought and pat yourself on the back. Meet your thoughts with understanding; they’re not harmful unless you dwell on them and believe them.

Very few individuals have ever been able to completely control their thoughts. Even when you practise this technique, disempowering thoughts will continue to float up from the subconscious, but over time they will become less frequent and have less effect.

86 A variant of thought stopping is the rubber band technique. This simple method works by increasing your awareness of your thoughts, emotions and behaviours, enabling you to release and replace those you don’t want.

Wear a rubber band on your left (or right if you prefer) wrist, just above the watch band. When you become aware of an unwanted thought or habit, twang the rubber band. The slight pain sends a message to the brain and changes the way the thought or habit is wired into your nervous system.

For example:

• To stop smoking, twang the rubber band every time you think about a cigarette.
• To change a destructive emotion, e.g. anger or worry, twang the band every time you feel the emotion arising.
• Use it to change feeble thinking into purposeful thinking and ‘problem thinking’ into ‘solution thinking’.
• Use it to pause and think before speaking out.

87 Worry is destructive thought. It influences what you do and how you do it. It can even affect your health; it is proven that hospital patients who constantly worry about their recovery get better more slowly.

One way to deal with worry is to start a worry box. Write down what’s bothering you on a slip of paper, place it in the box, and turn your attention to something else.

On the last day of each month, open the box and examine the contents:

• Discard any that no longer need concern you.
• If you can do something to ease or resolve a worry, do it immediately.
• Place the rest back in the box.

You’ll find over the months that 90 per cent of your worries are just foolish thoughts, utterly groundless.

88 Having released a thought, immediately turn your attention to a more affirmative one. The simplest substitute is its direct opposite, for example:

Don’t worry it feels like you’re lying to yourself. Your feelings are not reliable indicators when you are attempting any form of personal change. Think of this method as a tool to help you change your way of thinking rather than a literal statement of truth.

89 Alternatively, use an affirmation. Affirmations are planned self-suggestions which can be used for many purposes. For example:

• To change negative attitudes into positives, e.g. ‘I now release with ease all my old negative attitudes,’ ‘I think, talk and act positively at all times.’
• To develop the qualities you need, e.g. ‘I shall persist until I succeed,’ ‘I am determined, patient and courageous.’
• To foster self-approval, e.g. ‘I accept, love and approve of myself,’ ‘I deserve success. I have confidence in myself.’
• To speed your personal growth, e.g. ‘I am willing to change and to grow, and every day in every way I get better and better.’

Either compose an appropriate affirmation when you need one, or use a favourite ‘off the shelf’.

90 Choose half a dozen affirmations that appeal to you from this list and memorise them.

• Every day I keep my thoughts positive, because I am the result of what I think.
• I always maintain a perfectly healthy body and mind.
• I’m happy, healthy, wealthy and whole.
• I only think about and visualise what I want to happen.
• I have balance and harmony in my life.
• No matter what has gone before, I now take charge of my life.
• I can achieve whatever I set my mind to.
• I can achieve anything I want, and if I apply myself and persist, I can do it.
• I have all the personal qualities required to manage and motivate others.
• I will persist until I succeed.
• I am now reaching a place where every thought I have is loving and caring.
• I am in radiant, vibrant, dynamic health.
• I do it now in the most relaxed and efficient manner, with inner calmness and purposeful activity.
• I feel warm and loving towards myself.
• I am worthy of all the good in my life. I deserve the best.
• I think, talk and act confidently at all times.
• I believe in myself. I can do anything I choose.
• I like myself.
• I am a strong and worthy person.
• I am cool, calm and in control.
• I am successful in everything I do.
• I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, prosperous and happy.

You now have some ‘off the shelf’ affirmations that you can use whenever you need.

91 Making up your own affirmations: when composing your affirmations, there are certain rules you must observe for maximum effect.

• Personalise them. Affirmations are powerful tools for changing yourself, but your affirmations cannot change other people or influence their behaviour.
  The best way to make them personal to you is to start them with the pronoun, ‘I’. For example, ‘I accept, love and approve of myself’; ‘I am determined, patient and persistent,’; ‘I am calm, peaceful and relaxed.’
• Put them in the present tense. This is important because the subconscious takes everything literally. If you were to use the future tense, it would assume that what you want is not an immediate priority.
  Stating your affirmations in the present means, in practise, that most of your affirmations will begin with ‘I am’, ‘I can’, ‘I have’ or ‘I do’.
• Use only positive words and phrases. Otherwise, you might inadvertently end up with the opposite of what you intended. This is because the subconscious overlooks a negative word if it occurs in the middle of a sentence. For example, ‘I do not fail’ registers as ‘I fail’ and ‘I am not fat’ as ‘I am fat’. Instead, affirm, ‘I succeed’ and ‘I am slim’.
• Write them on small cards and carry them with you. Use CAPITAL LETTERS (they have greater impact on your subconscious). Write them on post-it notes and stick them to your bathroom mirror, dashboard, fridge and other prominent places. Read them frequently throughout the day.

92 For this exercise, simply sit in silence and affirm what you desire. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax, think of your goals and affirm that you already have them. If you wish, incorporate statements such as:

• I can be what I choose to be.
• I can achieve whatever I set my mind to.
• I believe in myself. I can do anything I choose.

93 Make up three or four affirmations targeted at current issues in your life. Use them for a month, following the above guidelines (91).

At the end of the month, review your progress. What changes have you noticed? In what ways do you feel different? How well have they worked for you?

94 Increasing the effectiveness of your affirmations:

• Say your affirmations with feeling, whether silently or out loud. The greater the emotion, the better.
• Practise. Repetition works, so use your affirmations often. Last thing at night is the best time, because your subconscious mind is at its most receptive. Give it something uplifting to work on while you are asleep. First thing in the morning is also very beneficial.
• Suspend disbelief, especially if you are working towards something you don’t yet have physically. Consider affirmations as tools for change and remember that you are in the early stages of creating something which will eventually materialise. The results may not be immediate, but if you have faith, they will come.
• Record them onto a cassette tape or minidisk and listen frequently, especially last thing at night.
• If your goal is something tangible, carry a photograph or a reminder with you (such as a small model or branded key ring if you are in the process of acquiring a new car). Affirm that it is yours every time you look at it. If you are skilled at digital photography and you can create a photograph of yourself holding that trophy or wearing that medal on your computer, do it, and hang a framed copy on your wall. Every time you see it, it reinforces the message to your subconscious autopilot.

95 Although you can use affirmations any time, they are most effective when you are in that dreamy, relaxed state known as alpha level. In alpha your subconscious is more receptive to new suggestions. This is called autosuggestion. Autosuggestion is a powerful tool for reprogramming the mind for success.

Alpha level (or the alpha state) is explained fully on page 92.

96 Learning any new skill takes practice and persistence, and this one is well worth acquiring.

It takes approximately four weeks to change a thinking habit using these techniques – that’s not long to set yourself on a new, more satisfying course.

97 Become more aware of the effect people and events have on your thinking. Most people are unaware of how destructive negative thinking can be, and they don’t realise they have it within their power to change. You may have to minimise your contact with the ‘isn’t it awfuls’ and ‘poor mes’ until your new thinking habits are firmly installed.

98 As you become adept at turning your thinking around, you’ll find you become very aware of disempowering words and phrases, and able to change them to lessen their impact. You soften negative phrases, or change mildly negative phrases to positives.

Here are some examples:

99 People use words differently, so jot down a few words that create painful feelings in you. Some of these may be the result of experiences you had as a child; a turn of phrase repeatedly used by an angry parent can leave a lasting impact.

Make a list of words and phrases you could use instead to lower their intensity. Substitute these for the old in your internal dialogue. What differences do you notice in the way you feel when you use these new expressions?

100 Just for today, notice how many times you use the following words, either aloud or silently to yourself:

Can’t, don’t, won’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t

Each time you catch yourself using these words, change them to the opposite. How does it feel?

101 Replace ‘try to’ with ‘will’ in your vocabulary. ‘Try’ has built in excuses for failure. Focus on things you intend to do, rather than on things you mean to try. Think about it: if you invite a friend to a party and they say, ‘I’ll try to make it,’ what does that suggest? Contrast this with ‘Thank you, I’ll definitely be there.’

102 Be aware of how often you use the following words and phrases, either aloud or to yourself:

Should, must, ought, have to, supposed to

These expressions often presuppose a set of rules or code of conduct that has been imposed on you (usually by a parent figure) rather than thought out and chosen for yourself. Change them to:

I choose, decide, want, prefer, like

These terms put you where you belong – firmly in the driving seat.

103 Sometimes the internal dialogue takes the form of a series of questions.

‘What can I do next?’ ‘Why did I do that?’ ‘Why did they do that?’

‘Why am I so stupid?’ ‘How come I always miss out?’

When you eavesdrop in on your self-talk, make a note of the sort of questions you ask yourself.

104 The subconscious mind is designed to come up with an answer to every question, even if the question is totally groundless or irrelevant.

Since it has no intelligence of its own, it can’t challenge the validity of a question, only search its data banks for a response (usually drawn from your past experiences). It’s like a computer – it does as it’s told, even if what you’re asking it to do makes no sense. It always tries to find an answer, regardless of the question.

A great question leads to a constructive answer. A poor question often leads to an unhelpful or damaging answer. This can make an already difficult situation even worse.

For example, if you ask yourself, ‘Why am I so depressed’, the subconscious takes it as read that you are depressed, even if you’re just feeling a little low, and manufactures all the feelings associated with depression. Now you’re on a downward spiral that may be hard to escape.

Likewise, if you ask yourself, ‘How did I get into this awful mess’, it homes in on ‘mess’, taking it as read that you are in an awful mess and that you did get yourself there, even if it’s not that serious and due to events beyond your control. ‘Because you’re an idiot who never gets anything right,’ it replies (or some other such nonsense). Before long, if this pattern repeats, you start to believe it and end up repeatedly sabotaging yourself.

Instead, ask for a solution. ‘How can I handle this situation better?’ ‘What can I learn from this?’ ‘What seems important about this right now?’ ‘What can I do now to feel better?’ All these questions presuppose a helpful answer. Now the subconscious homes in on ‘handle better,’ ‘learn,’ ‘important,’ and ‘feel better now.’ It has something positive to work on.

Make sure your questions direct you towards solutions rather than aggravate problems. You may not get an immediate answer, but if you’re patient you will. The subconscious rarely works to deadlines and the answer may come when you least expect it, such as when you’re mowing the lawn, washing up or driving to work.

105 Learn to direct your questions towards finding solutions rather than mulling over problems. Make sure they presuppose a positive response and refocus your thoughts from problem to solution.

106 Closed questions are those that give up a short answer, such as yes, no or don’t know. For example:

• Would I be happy doing this job?
• Is there a way to solve this problem?
• What time is it?
• Is this right for me?
• Shall I ask her for a date?
• Do I agree or disagree?
• Am I asking the right question?

Closed questions can be helpful when you already have a list of options, but they are rather limiting. They rarely open your mind to new options and possibilities, nor access the more imaginative and intuitive resources within.

107 If the answer to a closed question is ‘not sure,’ ‘can’t say,’ ‘don’t know’, follow up with an open question, such as, ‘Suppose I did know, then what would the answer be?’ or ‘Suppose I had a wise being within me who knows all the answers, what would he or she say?’

108 Open questions stimulate your thinking and produce a more detailed reply. They set in train the subconscious’ creative thinking processes. (You are actually asking your intuition to guide you.)

The most useful open questions usually begin with:

• Who?
• How?
• What?
• Where?
• When?

For example:

• Who should I ask to help me with this problem?
• How can I best handle this situation?
• What are the pros and cons of applying for this job?
• What’s the best way to ask her for a date?
• What am I willing to do to solve this problem?
• If there’s one thing I could do differently, what would it be?
• Where should I look for an answer to this question?
• What can I learn from this?
• How can I make sure I don’t make this mistake again?
• When would be the best time to go ahead with this project?
• What can I say to this person?
• What’s the next step? The one after that? And then?
• What would be a better question to ask myself?

109 If your question doesn’t move you forward, that is, you can’t think of an answer, or the answer you get doesn’t seem to work, ask yourself:

• How much more time do I need?
• Would it help to spend time in silent reflection?
• What other questions might help?
• Is there something else bothering me that needs to be addressed before I can proceed?

110 Write down three or four problems you are facing right now. For example:

• I’m not getting on very well with my partner.
• I’m lonely.
• I’m stuck in a job I hate, and I feel I’m going nowhere.
• Why can’t I afford a holiday abroad like my neighbour?

Rephrase them into great questions. Write them down the left side of a piece of paper (or a page in your Self-Coaching Journal). Remember, great questions presuppose a solution, tap into your creative resources, generate alternatives, move you out of the problem state, and shift your attention to a more positive, practical point of view. For example:

• How can I explore the situation with my partner so we can find new, better ways of relating?
• What could I do to meet new people and make new friends?
• How can I find a new job, that I would enjoy and would give me the prospect of a better future?
• What would it take for me to have a holiday abroad this year?

111 Now answer your own questions. Focus on each question one at a time and write down any ideas or solutions that come to you on the right hand side of the page.

When you’ve thought of a range of options, choose which ones to commit to, and complete a goals pro-forma (1, pages 6–7). Follow the TGROW method through (pages 3–5) and put your plan into action.