278 Think of someone with whom you like spending time. What is it about them you like? How do they treat you? How do they talk? Behave? How could you ‘model’ this person to improve your own interpersonal skills (see 209)?

279 If you fulfil another’s needs, they want to maintain and deepen their relationship with you. Think about it – would you want to spend time with someone who always takes without giving anything in return?

These needs can be physical, practical or (more usually) emotional. Attention, loyalty, fun, affection, companionship, moral support, appreciation and so on are basic to human survival.

280 Consider your own relationship needs. Take a pen and paper and write down at least ten things you look for in your (a) intimate relationships, (b) social relationships, (c) business and work-related relationships in the grid opposite.

281 What people want from relationships. People enter into relationships primarily because they want to feel good. They want to feel noticed, valued and safe. In addition, most of us want:

• To be heard.
• Recognition.
• Approval and appreciation.
• Common purpose and values.
• Loyalty.
• Integrity and trust.
• Practical support.
• Respect for their individuality.
• Fun, humour and play.

Do you agree with this list? Can you add more ‘wants’ of your own?

282 What people don’t want from relationships. Among the most common dislikes are:

• Criticism.
• Dishonesty/deceit.
• Secrecy/aloofness.
• Untrustworthiness.
• Antagonistic/confrontational behaviour.
• Being gossiped about.
• Bullying.
• Scheming and manipulation.
• Complaining.

Do you agree with this list? Can you add a few more ‘don’t wants’ of your own?

283 Choose someone with whom you either have a relationship (business, social or personal), or would like one.

• What do you think they want from their relationship with you?
• How far are you meeting these needs at present?
• What could you do to meet them more effectively?

284 Take responsibility. If you want a relationship – any relationship – to succeed, approach it with the attitude of putting something in rather than getting something out. Make them feel appreciated and important. Then maybe they’ll want to do the same for you.

Don’t blame others if a relationship is not going well; take responsibility for putting it right. Naturally there are times when others are unreasonable and just too demanding, in which case you must decide how far you’re willing to go. But remember, there are two sides to every coin.

285 Relationships as a mirror. Once you accept that your relationship with yourself is the basis of your relationships, then you realise that others are like a mirror, reflecting back to you the way you are. Your thoughts and feelings about other human beings say a lot more about what is inside you than what is inside them.

For instance, if you’re the kind of person who thinks people are out to get you, it’s probably because you think that way yourself; if you’re the jealous sort, it says a lot more about your insecurities than the person you’re jealous of. We all tend to project our internal conflicts onto others.

When you become aware of this, you’re on the way to genuine change. No more snapping at the children because you’ve had a hard day at work; no more blaming your partner for your own deficiencies. No more complaining about the boss or accusing him or her of being unfair for not promoting you. You place the responsibility exactly where it lies – with yourself.

286 A negative attitude inevitably manifests in the way you conduct yourself, especially a negative attitude to the people around you. You soon alienate most of them; they start to mistrust and avoid you. If your work involves serving the public, you lose business – who’d want to buy from someone who seems devious, sour or surly?

You’ll only get people’s backs up if you constantly judge and criticise, gloat, blame others when the problem lies with you, or fall into self-pity when things go wrong. No one wants to be around a person like that.

Are you genuinely interested in other people? With a genuine interest in other people all your relationships can become enormously gratifying.

287 Reflect on your attitude to people.

• Do you like people?
• Do they like you?
• Do you believe people are unfair to you?
• Do you readily blame others when things go wrong?
• Do you have dozens of rewarding friendships? Or very few?

List any improvements to your attitude that you would like to make. Adopt the attitude ‘I’ll make everyone glad they talked to me!’

288 In relationships you get back what you give out. You telegraph your inner feelings in many subtle ways – posture, facial expression, tone of voice, gesture, etc – so if you’re only pretending to be interested in others, they know. (If not consciously, your indifference registers sub consciously.)

The most popular people genuinely like and care for others. They give off positive ‘vibes’.

Develop a bona fide, open, caring and friendly attitude. Let it emanate from the inside-out to everyone you meet.

289 Every time you meet someone – whether you know them or not – silently wish them love, health, happiness and success.

After a month, take stock of the ways in which your relationships have improved.

290 A major step in getting on well with people is to understand and respect others’ feelings no matter how unreasonable and groundless they seem. This is not so difficult for some, but more problematic for individuals who are guided mainly by the left brain.

Human beings are emotional creatures. We are more inclined to respond emotionally than logically. Sometimes our emotional impulses work to our advantage, but they can also spell disaster if, for example. we dismiss another person’s point of view because we don’t like the look of them, or we’ve heard something about them that we don’t like. People want to feel good. Knowing how to make others feel good about themselves emotionally is the key to good relationships.

Do you know how to make others feel good about themselves? If not, are you willing to find out and put what you discover into practice?

291 Here’s the secret: whenever you have a choice to be right or be caring, choose caring. This means letting the occasional factual inaccuracy go. You don’t have to compromise your integrity, just know when it is and is not important to take a stand.

292 Emotional intelligence: empathy, genuineness and positive regard. Dr Carl R. Rogers, the founder of ‘person centred’ counselling, believed that only three conditions have to be met for one person to support another emotionally. The only proviso is that they must be demonstrated in terms the other person can understand and relate to:

• 1Acceptance.
• 2Empathy.
• 3Respect (positive regard).

These three are not difficult to learn, but must be practised.

293 Acceptance: everyone craves being acknowledged, appreciated and respected. Accepting another person unconditionally means acknowledging their opinions and feelings and their right to hold them - regardless of whether you agree. Toaccept another doesn’t necessarily mean liking what the other person stands for.

Acceptance is the opposite of rejection, and also of:

• Judging.
• Criticising.
• Accusing.
• Mocking.
• Moralising.
• Disapproving.

From now on, work towards dropping these behaviours from your repertoire.

294 Empathy: empathy is the willingness and ability to see the world as if through another person’s eyes rather than your own; to walk a mile in their moccasins, as the Native American proverb says.

Empathy involves:

• Focused listening.
• Being sensitive to another’s feelings.
• Understanding where they’re coming from and why.
• Responding to their needs and desires.
• Communicating this in your words and actions.

Empathy requires patience, sensitivity, openness and trust. It cannot exist if either party feels threatened or wary.

The best way to demonstrate empathy is to listen with full attention.

295 Genuineness: good relationships can only be formed if both parties are genuine. This means being yourself, willing to open up and share your true feelings. People always know if you’re being dishonest or deceitful.

You are still free to offer a different opinion to theirs if you wish, providing you express yourself constructively and with respect. You can always say ‘I understand that’s the way you feel, but I feel differently because…’ without necessarily causing offence.

If you are genuinely interested in people, you will always be able to find something to talk about and leave them feeling better about themselves.

296 Finally, remember the ‘as if’ principle. We all know that emotions affect our actions – but it also works in reverse, your actions influence your emotions and those of others.

Be the kind of person others like having around. If you relax and smile, express yourself confidently, and are cheerful and pleasant no matter how you’re feeling inside, you’ll be making a valuable contribution to others’ happiness and wellbeing.

297 Accepting others as they are is a vital key to harmonious relationships. Many people make the futile and frustrating effort to change others, especially those closest to them. What a waste of energy! You can’t make another person something they’re not, but you can try to relate to them better by changing your own mind-set.

This is a lesson some people take a long time to learn. When Jeannie’s mean, neglectful and abusive husband stormed out, part of her was relieved. The other part was frightened she wouldn’t be able to cope on her own.

‘I want him back,’ she said, ’but not as he used to be. I want him to be generous and considerate, and spend time with the children. And to listen to me.’

‘What makes you think he’ll change?’ asked a friend.

‘When he realises what he’s done, he’ll see the light. Otherwise, how can he ever be truly happy?’

Jeannie clung to her dream for nearly two years until she finally let go. Now she understands the ‘if only Peter were more like Paul’ pattern is common but pointless. If a person sees no need to change or doesn’t want to, there’s nothing you can do. Give others ‘permission’ to experience life the way they choose, otherwise you’re condemning yourself to perhaps years of frustration. They’re not going to change for you, any more than you’d change for them against your will.

298 For seven days, avoid judging other people. If another’s values, beliefs, feelings, words or actions are different to your own, say to yourself ‘I give you the space to experience life as you choose. It is not for me to judge you.’

After seven days, reflect. How do you feel? (Less irritable, perhaps?)

299 Your relationship with yourself is the basis of all your relationships. When your confidence and self-esteem are high you feel good about yourself and you also feel better about others. Then your relationships improve.

Work on your listening and communication skills. Expand your emotional intelligence. Cultivate an accepting, positive attitude to others. Be willing to change and to grow, to work on yourself, and become more tolerant and compassionate towards others.

Remember, what you give out you get back. Your relationships are the mirror which reflects back the way you are.