Asking the right questions

Basically, there are two types of questions: open questions which help the flow of communication and encourage the speaker to elaborate or be more specific, and closed questions which tend to shut communication down. Closed questions are those that can be answered with a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. For example: ‘Did you...?, ‘Do you think that...?’, ‘Are you going to...?’ They are useful for seeking factual information (Sutton, 2000: 127).

Some common pitfalls in asking questions

• 1.Asking two or more questions at the same time, which create confusion in the client’s mind. Usually the client will answer the last question asked.
• 2.Wrongly timed questions that interrupt and hinder the helping process.
• 3.Asking too many questions which may give the impression that we can provide solutions to other people’s problems.
• 4.Asking too many questions, which may give the impression of an interrogation.

The emphasis in counselling is on using questions to help people solve their own problems.

Open questions

Asking open questions encourages the client to express their thoughts and feelings (see Figure 15). Open questions:

• seek clarification
• encourage exploration
• establish mutual understanding
• gauge feelings.

Open questions normally start with:

• What – for example: ‘What happened then?’
• How – for example: ‘How do you feel about your parents splitting up?’
• When – for example: ‘When would you like to make the break?’

though that is not all there is to creating open questions. When we accompany a statement with:

• Could it be?
• Do you think/feel?
• Does this mean?
• Have you considered?
• Am I (would I be) right?
• Is that...?
• Don’t you think?

it usually means a closed question.

Things to avoid

• 1.Closed questions – unless you want to elicit information or establish facts. ‘How old are you?’ or ‘Do you like your mother?’ or ‘Do you think counselling is helping you?’ are examples of closed questions.
• 2.Prying questions – which are asked out of your curiosity about areas not yet opened up by the client. ‘Tell me about your sex life’, when sex has not been mentioned.
• 3.Limiting questions – such as, ‘Don’t you think that...?’ ‘Isn’t it a fact that ...’
• 4.Punishing questions – the purpose of which is to expose the other person without appearing to, and puts the person on the spot: ‘With your vast experience you can answer the question, surely?’
• 5.Hypothetical questions – which are often motivated by criticism: ‘If you were making that report, wouldn’t you say it differently?’ Such questions typically begin with ‘If’, ‘What if, ‘How about’.
• 6.Demand or command questions – which are designed to impress urgency or importance. ‘Have you done anything about... ?’
• 7.Screened questions – which are designed to get the other person to make a decision that fits with your hidden wish. This type of question puts great pressure on the person being questioned who is not sure what answer is required: ‘Would you like to go to... ?’
• 8.Leading questions – which manoeuvre the other person into a vulnerable position. Leading questions are often used in court to confuse the witness. ‘Is it fair to say that you...?’ ‘Would you agree that... ?’
• 9.Rhetorical questions – which forestall a response because the questioner fears it may not be a favourable one. Such questions attempt to secure a guaranteed agreement. No response is required: ‘I’m coming for the weekend, OK?’
• 10.‘Now I’ve got you’ questions – where the motive is to dig a trap for the other person to fall into: ‘Weren’t you the one who... ?’
• 11.Statements that sound like questions – ‘You argue with your partner a lot, don’t you?’

* Asking appropriate questions can assist in clarifying something that is not quite clear. ‘I don’t understand. Do you mean . . .?’ will usually help the client by letting her see that the counsellor is still with her.

Questions normally should be based on material already provided by the client, rather than based on the counsellor’s curiosity. Facts may be necessary, but not to the extent that they impede the client from talking.

Questions should never intrude into the counselling process. They should always be a natural part of what is going on, and the client should always be able to understand the relevance of the question at the time it is asked. There is a time to ask a question and a time not to.

* From Counselling in Nursing, Stewart W. (1983) Harper & Row

Useful aids:

• Respond to what the person has said, rather than asking questions.

Think of the counselling process as building a wall, brick by brick. The client makes a statement (brick one), followed by the counsellor’s statement (brick two), and so on. In this way, we do not rush ahead and cause anxiety by pushing indelicately into sensitive areas not yet ready to be explored. To conclude this section we use open questions with the five clients Pat, Paul, Claire, Ellen and Danny.

Counsellor using an open question:

1. Pat	‘Can we take a look at what makes you feel you are partly responsible for what happened?’
2. Paul	‘Can you tell me what sort of jobs you have been applying for?’
3. Claire	‘Can you describe the feelings you get that make you want to harm yourself?’
4. Ellen	‘Perhaps you would like to tell me how you feel about moving in with this man – what’s his name?’
5. Danny	‘When you got angry and ended up in trouble, what did you do exactly?’

Summarising

Summarising is the process of tying together all that has been talked about during part or all of the counselling session. It attempts to draw together the main threads of what has been discussed. It clarifies what has been accomplished and what still needs to be done.

Summarising enables the counsellor to get a better understanding of the client’s view of things, and enables the client to see what progress has been made. When summarising, the counsellor should pull together the most relevant points, state them as simply and clearly as possible, and then check with the client the accuracy of the summary.

Summarising should not be overdone and should not be experienced by the client as an intrusion. Summarising may happen at any time during a session – it can be particularly valuable to highlight recurring themes. A summary at the end of a session is vital for several reasons. It gives the client an opportunity to hear again the main points; it gives the counsellor an opportunity to clarify and consolidate her understanding of what has taken place; it provides an opportunity for both, and particularly the client, to think about the next session. (Paraphrased from Stewart, 1983.)

The aim of summarising

• To outline relevant facts, thoughts, feelings and meanings.
• To prompt further exploration of a particular theme.
• To close the discussion on a particular theme.
• To help both counsellor and client find direction.
• To move the interview forward.

Summarising may:

• include a mixture of what was said and what was implied
• focus scattered facts, thoughts, feelings and meanings.

Summarising should:

• be simple, clear and jargon-free
• be checked for accuracy
• catch the essential meanings.

Figure 16 gives examples of summarising responses.

Case studies______________________________________

Rachel, age 20

Rachel went to an office party and was driven home by one of her male colleagues. She invited him in for coffee. He started kissing her, and when she protested, he began touching her intimately. Rachel tried to fight him off, but he ended up raping her.

She says:

I can’t believe what happened. I mean there was no ‘come on’ from me. Just being friendly, and that’s what he did. Like a wild animal. He was too strong. I was screaming, he just laughed. How can I face him now? What should I do? If only I hadn’t gone to that party.

Counsellor: (Sits in silence until Rachel stops sobbing.)

Rachel, I can see how distressed you are (empathic responding). You’re bewildered that an innocent invitation could turn into such a traumatic and terrifying experience like rape. Your efforts to fight him off were useless; he was like someone demented. You wish you hadn’t gone to the party, and you’re not sure how you can face him. You are hoping I will tell you what to do.

Jane, 20

Jane says:

I have strong religious beliefs that sex outside marriage is wrong. Alan has tried to persuade me to have sex because he would like me to have a baby. He has told me if I have a baby, he will be sure that I am truly in love with him. But the whole idea of having a baby outside marriage is too much for me. Alan says he is not ready for marriage and settling down yet, and I would like to carry on with my career in teaching. If I do what he wants I’m not being true to myself, and if I don’t I’ll probably lose him.

Counsellor:

Jane, you seem very confused with all that’s happening in your life right now (empathic responding). Your boyfriend wants you to have a baby, but you’re not sure about that. It’s important for you to be married before you consider having a family, but Alan doesn’t think the same way. For the moment you would like to continue with your teaching career because that is important to you. You are afraid if you stick to your principles, Alan might end your relationship.

Examples of summarising responses

To conclude this section we use summarising responses with Pat, Paul, Claire, Ellen and Danny.

Pat

Pat responds to an open question with:

Well, we both had too much to drink and he offered to take me home. I asked him in for coffee and then he... he... raped me.

Counsellor responds with:

Can I check out that I am understanding you correctly? Thanks. What I hear you saying is that both of you were worse the wear from alcohol, and when he took you home you invited him in for coffee, and it ended up with you being raped. You feel you are to blame in some way because you let him into your home.

Paul

Paul responds to an open question with:

Well, I’ve applied for three posts as manager for different engineering companies, and three for the position of supervisor with manufacturing plants. I don’t have much experience in anything else.

Counsellor responds with:

Can we recap on what you have told me so far? You have applied to three engineering firms for the post of manager and to three manufacturing plants for the post of supervisor. You feel your experience in other fields is a bit limited, and this may be holding you back?

Claire

Claire responds to an open question with:

I get these terrible feelings of panic and anger, and get very distressed. The only way I can stop them is to cut myself. It’s the only thing that makes the pain go away.

Counsellor responds with:

Claire, can I summarise what you have said to ensure that I am understanding you correctly? Thank you. Before you cut yourself you experience overwhelming feelings of anxiety and rage which are very upsetting for you. These dreadful and frightening feelings just won’t leave you, and cutting yourself is the only thing that gives you any relief.

Ellen

Ellen responds to an open question with:

His name is Peter, and in many ways I would like to move in with him. I enjoy his company and he has a great sense of humour – he really makes me laugh. He’s ever so kind too; nothing is too much trouble, and he says he loves me a lot. But, I can’t stop thinking what my Charlie would think of me – I’m sure he wouldn’t like me living with another man.

Counsellor responds with:

Ellen, could I tell you what I think I am hearing, to see if I am understanding you correctly? A big part of you would like to share your life with Peter because you have a lot of fun and laughs together. He loves you and is very thoughtful and caring. However, you have convinced yourself that Charlie would disapprove, which is leaving you in a dilemma.

Danny

Danny responds to an open question with:

Well, there was a fight at the club, and I threw a chair at someone. It hit him on the head and he had to go to hospital and get it stitched. The police arrived and I hurled a bit of verbal at them, so they arrested me and threw me in a cell, telling me to calm down and sleep it off. Next morning I was up before the magistrates charged with A.B.H. (actual bodily harm).

Counsellor responds with:

Danny, can we stop for a minute to go over what you have told me so far. You got involved in a brawl, lost your temper and injured someone. You were verbally abusive towards the police so they arrested you and held you overnight. You found yourself in court next morning on a charge of actual bodily harm.

Focusing

Focusing implies a certain degree of counsellor direction and guidance of the exploration. Clients often need help to get to grips with complex problems. Everything cannot be worked out at once. Focusing uses specific questions to tease out detail and to explore particular topics in depth. (See Figure 17 for examples of focusing responses.) Focusing helps client and counsellor to find out where to start, and in which direction to continue.

Principles to bear in mind

If there is a crisis, first help the client to manage the crisis. Focus on issues that the client sees as important. Begin with a problem that seems to be causing the client pain. Begin with some manageable part of the problem.

Examples

• 1.Carol, in her mid 30s, was left a widow 18 months ago. She is experiencing financial difficulties. A male friend has suggested she lives with him but this means moving some distance away and her children do not want to move.

All of these issues are important and some of them will take longer than others to resolve. Helping Carol get her finances sorted out would be the most practical, and release energy to deal with some of the other issues.

Response

I’ve heard what you’ve been saying, and there is a lot there. It seems as if the main strands are... Which do you think is the most urgent issue to explore first?

• 2.George, aged 80, is dying of cancer. As the pastoral counsellor, Anne, listens to him, she picks up George’s concern for his wife. At the same time, she detects underlying fears about his own death, fear he is not admitting to.

Anne’s response

George, I hear a number of issues you would probably like to talk about, not necessarily right now. My hunch is that the one you would like to spend time talking over is your concern for your wife, and how she is managing.

Types of response

The ‘contrast response’

The term ‘contrast response’ describes a marked awareness of the differences between two conditions or events which results from bringing them together: ‘If you think about staying in your present job, or moving to another job, what would it be like then?’

Example

The counsellor says: ‘Carol, perhaps we can take a look at what we have seen so far. Your husband died 18 months ago, and since then you have had financial worries. Fred has asked you to go and live with him. However, this means moving away from the area, and your children are very reluctant to go. If you think about your life as it is now, and then think about Fred’s offer to live with him, what differences do you think it will make?’

The ‘choice-point response’

The term ‘choice-point’ describes any set of circumstances in which a choice among several alternatives is required: ‘From what you’ve said, it looks as if these are the major issues (itemising them). Which of these would you feel most comfortable working with first?’

Example

The counsellor says: ‘Carol, let’s pull a few things together here. Sadly, your husband died 18 months ago, and you are left with the children to cope with on your own. Fred has asked you to move in with him, but your children are opposed to the idea of moving away. You are also very concerned about how you are managing financially. It seems as if there are a lot of separate issues we could talk about, and I’m wondering which one you would like to focus on first?’

The ‘figure-ground response’

The term ‘figure-ground’ describes how a person perceives the relationship between the object of the attention or focus, the figure, and the rest of what is around, the perceptual field, the ground. The figure generally has form or structure and appears to be in front of the ground. The figure is given shape or form and the background is left unshaped and lacking in form. ‘These are the various points of the problem, it seems to me that the most worthwhile to address first could be the need for you to get a job. How do you feel about that?’

Thus, figure-ground focusing helps to give one part of the problem shape and form and so helps the client to more readily grasp hold of something and work with it.

Example

The counsellor says: ‘Carol, can we stop for a minute and look at what you have told me so far? First, there’s the issue of managing your finances. Second, there’s the issue of whether you should live with Fred. Third, there’s the issue of your children not wanting to move away from the area. I noticed when you mentioned your financial situation that you looked extremely anxious, and my feeling is that working on the finances might be beneficial to begin with. How does that sound to you?’

Examples of focusing responses

Let’s pick up again with the five clients, Pat, Paul, Claire, Ellen and Danny, and see how the counsellor might use focusing responses.

Pat

Counsellor responds to Pat with:

You have told me you were raped by this man, and that you feel you may have brought it on yourself in some way. There appear to be two issues here, and it seems as if being raped is causing you a great deal of distress. How do you feel about exploring that first? (figure-ground).

Paul

Counsellor responds to Paul with:

You mentioned that you have applied for six different jobs without success, and you feel your lack of experience in areas other than engineering and manufacturing might be a stumbling block. Perhaps it might be helpful to focus on one specific issue. What would be most helpful for you to talk about first? (choice-point).

Claire

Counsellor responds to Claire with:

You have shared with me some of the feelings you get before you harm yourself. You have also told me that these feelings won’t go away, and that you feel compelled to cut and burn yourself as a way of escaping from these awful feelings. When you spoke about cutting yourself I noticed you rubbing the scar on your wrist, which looks very painful and raw. I wonder whether it would help to talk about that scar and what it means to you? (figure-ground).

Ellen

Counsellor responds to Ellen with:

You say that a big part of you wants to share your life with Peter, but you feel Charlie would disapprove, and this leaves you feeling that you would be disloyal to Charlie in some way. There seems to be a lot of painful issues we could talk about, Ellen, and I’m wondering which one it would be most helpful for you to talk about first? (choice-point).

Danny

Counsellor responds to Danny with:

Danny, from where I am sitting there seems to be a lot of issues involved here. First, there’s the issue of your anger and aggression which you seem to have difficulty controlling. Second, there’s the issue of your drinking which seems to spark your anger and aggression. Third, there’s the issue of injuring someone as a result of not being able to control your anger, and fourth there’s the issue of having a criminal record and how this might affect your life in the future. If you could look ahead a bit, how different would you like things to look for you in the future? (contrast).