Exercises

Exercise 12: confronting a client

Your task is to create a confrontation response to each of the following case studies.

Case study 1 – Vanessa

Vanessa says, ‘I do wish I could do something about my weight. Look at me, 15 stones. But, I’m my own worst enemy. Stuart and I went out last night for a slap-up meal. That’s the way of it. One of these days I’ll win, though.’

How would you confront Vanessa?

Case study 2 – Dan

Dan says, ‘I don’t have any problems with my children, we have a wonderful relationship, that’s because Alice and I give them responsibility. They know who’s boss, though. Bill wanted a front door key. I told him, “When you’re working, my lad, then you can have a key to my house. You’re only 17 yet.” He stormed out, muttering something like, “Come into this century, old man.” Cheeky young (cough).’

How would you confront Dan?

We can also use confrontations to bring out strengths of which the client seems unaware, or is discounting. This is, of course, a discrepancy, but of a different kind.

Case study 3 – Keith

Keith was about to be demobbed from the army, in which he had served for 22 years. He was a sergeant with an exemplary record. He had served in Northern Ireland on two tours, and had been decorated for bravery. One of his duties, for four years, had been in charge of the sergeants’ mess accounts, a job that carried a lot of financial responsibility. He and Mavis married 19 years ago. She had been in the WRAC. They have two boys, Adrian, aged 18, and John, aged 17, both in the army. They have a stable family life, with both sets of parents still alive.

On his pre-release interview he said to the interviewing officer, ‘I’m scared stiff, Sir, of going back into Civvy Street. I’ve been in the army since I was 18, and boys’ service before that, so I’ve never known anything else since 16. I married an army girl, and we’ve lived in army quarters all our married life. Our two boys are in the services. I don’t know anything else. When I think about it, I get cold sweats. I’m not sleeping well either, just thinking about it.’

How would you confront Keith?

This is the end of the confronting exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 13: identifying your own strengths

Have a dialogue with yourself. Talk about your strengths. Be realistic, not coy. Many people have difficulty even saying they have strengths. Part of your self-development as a counsellor is discovering how you feel about drawing attention to your strong points. Many people are happier talking about their weaknesses and hardly ever realise that they have strengths. Counselling is often concerned with identifying strengths and building on them. The client can no more build on weaknesses than a builder can build a house on a foundation of sand. When you have considered your strengths, write them down in your notebook. Try to list at least five.

Exercise 14: advanced empathy

This is a suggested framework on how to formulate responses for the advanced empathy case study exercises.

Read the case studies and identify the expressed facts and feelings and the implied facts and feelings. When you have done this, think of what those facts and feelings might imply. When you have done this, think of as many adjectives as you can to describe the implied feelings, then formulate your response. Remember, implied facts and feelings are never stated as absolutes; they are hunches, and as such they must be tentative.

Case study 1 – Nigel to Brenda, a counsellor

’You know me, Brenda, the life and soul of the party. Give me a pint in my hand and I’ll keep them amused for hours. It’s not like that in the house, though. “Oh, shut up Dad,” is all I get. “Don’t put on that act here. Be your age.” It hurts. Sometimes they get quite angry at my jokes. Why don’t they appreciate me?’

Create a response of about six to eight lines.

Case study 2 – Kate, a senior nurse teacher, talking to Simon, a colleague

’It’s no secret, and you know better than anybody else, I’m a workaholic. I can’t remember when I allowed myself to have a day off to do just nothing. It sounds awful when it’s put like that. I’ve been that way for 12 years now. I ought to do something about it, shouldn’t I? I’m a free agent. Nobody’s making me do it, or holding a gun to my head. I feel caught on a treadmill.’

Create a response of about six to eight lines.

Case study 3 – Karen, talking to Joan, one of the counsellors in attendance at the church coffee morning

I love Jack and my children very much, and I like doing most things around the house. Of course they get boring at times, but on the whole I suppose it can be very rewarding sometimes. I don’t really miss working, going to the office every day. Most women complain of being just a housewife and just a mother. But then, again, I wonder if there’s more for me. Others say there has to be. I really don’t know.’

Create a response of about eight to ten lines.

In the above exercise and the next one, you will not be given an analysis. When you compare your response with the one given, see if you can identify why Joan responds the way she does.

Case study 4 - Andrea’s fourth counselling session with Martin

Andrea says: ‘I’m really disappointed in you, Martin. I thought we could get along together and you could help me. But we’re not getting anywhere. You don’t understand me. I might as well not be here. I don’t even think you care for me, and you don’t hear me when I talk. You seem to be somewhere else. What you say has got nothing to do with what I’ve been talking about. I don’t know where to turn. I’m just so – oh damn it – I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know you can’t help me. There’s no hope.’

Create a response of about eight to ten lines.

This is the end of the advanced empathy exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 15: immediacy

In these case study exercises, use the following formula:

• disclose specifically how the issue affects you
• create a specific empathic challenge
• as with a challenge, immediacy should be tentative – an invitation to consider.

Case study 1 – Alan

You are a facilitator of a counselling training group of twelve people. One of the group, Alan, is very vocal, and always seems to have an answer to any point that you or anyone else raises. In the third session, you start to feel irritated. The source of your irritation is that whenever silences occur, Alan invariably jumps in with a comment that does not always facilitate what has gone before. You also notice that other members of the group start to fidget and cast knowing glances at one another when Alan starts speaking. The immediate issue is that Alan cuts across what one of the women in the group is saying. What do you say to Alan?

Create a response to Alan.

Case study 2 – Jenny

You are a member of a counselling group. There has been a lot of disclosure and some tears. Cathy is talking about the pain of her recent divorce. Many people in the group are looking damp-eyed. Jenny gets up and walks right through the middle of the group to the door, saying, ‘I’ need a smoke’. The group members look very uncomfortable. After a few minutes, Jenny recrosses the group and sits down. As a member of the group you feel angry at what you feel is an intrusion. What do you say to Jenny?

Create a response to Jenny.

Case study 3 – Steve

Steve is your client, and this is the sixth session. When he started with you, he said, ‘Oh, I’m fairly well off, so the fee isn’t a problem.’ You, personally, have difficulty talking about charging a fee, you would much rather leave that to someone else to handle, but there is no one else. At least three times during your time together, Steve has said things like, ‘I hadn’t realised just how expensive this business would be’. You find that this issue is unresolved. You also wonder if Steve thinks that the length of the counselling relationship is more to do with your needs than with his.

Create a response to Steve.

Case study 4 – Sally

Sally, aged 19, is a student at the college where you are the counsellor. She came to you six months ago, referred by her lecturer, for problems with relationships in the group. She came regularly, every week, for six weeks, then started missing sessions altogether. Your policy is to drop a line after one missed appointment expressing concern and hoping that illness or an emergency did not prevent her from attending.

You also remind her of the next agreed appointment. Usually she would attend the next appointment, with apologies, which sounded like excuses rather than reasons. Several times you have challenged her on this unreliability and on every occasion she says, ‘I really, really promise to do better’. She had a break from counselling for two months, and one month ago started again. She came for two sessions, missed one and is now sitting with you. She says, in a pleading little-girl voice, ‘I’m really, really sorry. Can you forgive me?’

Create a response to Sally.

This is the end of the immediacy case study exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 16: unfinished business

Think of someone you have ‘unfinished business’ with that you would like to resolve.

• 1.Describe the current situation.
• 2.What are your thoughts about this person? Try to identify both positive and negative thoughts.
• 3.What are your feelings about this person? Try to identify both positive and negative feelings.
• 4.Endeavour to put yourself in this person’s shoes, and explore why you think the person is treating you the way he/she is.
• 5.What could you say to this person to encourage her or him to discuss the unresolved issue?
• 6.Look carefully at your response to number 5, and consider whether you could pluck up the courage to say this to the person concerned.

Exercise 17

Disclosing self: 1

Disclosure of self is different from previous exercises, and is clearly linked to the development of self-awareness. It would be difficult to present an exercise on disclosing self to which every student could respond appropriately, for disclosing self is so uniquely personal. The object of this exercise is that you think around some aspect of living which you feel you have handled reasonably well, or are learning to manage. Remember, the aim of disclosing self is to help the client to move forward, not to pass problems on to the client. To help you, here are some ideas. What could you disclose and to whom? You may choose any other subject or subjects.

There are no suggested responses to this exercise.

What are your views, feelings and thoughts about:

• Religious groups other than your own.
• Your experience of drinking, smoking, drugs.
• Your sexual preferences.
• Your childhood experiences.
• Your feelings about the client you are counselling.
• How much you are worth financially.
• The aspects of your personality you are not happy with.
• Things in the past you are ashamed of.
• The sort of things that can hurt you.
• The parts of your body you don’t like.
• Whether or not you feel sexually adequate.

Disclosing self: 2

For this exercise enlist the help of a friend. Role-play being a counsellor, with your friend taking the part of the client. Ask your friend to talk about something important to him or her for 15 minutes. During this time, make several personal disclosures and talk about your experiences.

At the end of the 15 minutes ask your partner for feedback on the impact of your personal disclosures, eg:

• Did your personal disclosures help or hinder your friend? In what way?
• Did your personal disclosures distract your friend?

Summary

It might be helpful at this point in the book to summarise our journey so far. We have:

• provided insight into what counselling is, and what defines a counsellor
• explored counsellor qualities deemed necessary to work effectively with others, and provided opportunities for increasing self-awareness
• given consideration to boundary issues and provided information on what counsellors can do to help their clients feel safe
• presented a range of basic listening skills and advanced skills, with exercises designed to develop the skills.

We are almost on the homeward strait, but there’s still a few more important topics we need to pay attention to, the next being: What can counsellors do to help their clients resolve their problems?

The possibility of encountering one’s reality – learning about one’s self – can be frightening and frustrating. Many people expect to discover the worst. A hidden fear lies in the fact that they may also discover the best.

                                  Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward