Exercises

Suggested framework on how to formulate responses for the case study exercises.

• 1.Read every sentence in the case study carefully.
• 2.Identify the facts.
• 3.Identify the expressed feelings.
• 4.Identify the implied feelings, those that lie beneath the surface, those that are being hinted at, those that strike a chord within you.
• 5.Think of as many words as possible to describe the feelings.
• 6.Put the whole lot together in one response.

Exercise 3

Primary level empathy – case study 1 – Julie

Julie says: ‘It’s difficult here tonight, I can’t seem to get involved with the group. We’ve been going an hour, and everything has been so painful. I’m not up to it right now. I get the impression that all my friends’ relationships are parting at the seams, and when that happens here in the group too (pause) well, I’d like to be understanding and accepting, and all that, but I’d rather run away right now.’

Identify the feelings, then outline a response of about four to six lines.

Primary level empathy – case study 2 – Margaret to Keith

‘Keith, you’re usually warm and accepting with me, but I’m still not sure of where I stand with you. I guess I want you to be affectionate with me, and that’s not you. Maybe what I’m saying is that I need a lot of attention. I know that whenever I say something, I expect you to understand how I’m feeling. I’m wondering now if I’ve been putting too many demands on you?’

Identify the feelings, then outline a response of about four to six lines.

Primary level empathy – case study 3 – Matthew

Matthew says, ‘Six months ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed I’d be saying what I’m about to say, to one person, maybe, but not to a group of people. That says a lot for what I feel about this group. I want you to know, I’m gay. Knowing that about me may help you understand the way I react. But more than that, I’m uneasy about my sexuality. It bothers me and makes me uncertain about who I am. That’s the uncertain chap you see here. I think I can say this now because I trust you to understand me and not to think of me as a problem person who needs help.’

Identify the feelings, then outline a response of about four to six lines.

This is the end of the primary level empathy exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 4

Listening

Read each statement carefully and assess whether the client feels listened to or not. Tick the box you think is correct.

	Listened to	Not listened to
1. You cut me off and start telling me about your experiences.
2. You accept me as I am - warts and all.
3. You don't hide behind barriers.
4. You want to solve my problem for me.
5. You try to grasp my meaning when I feel confused.
6. You resist the temptation to give me good advice.
7. You hand me back the compliment I have given you.
8. You resist from telling me that funny joke you are dying to tell me.
9. You get embarrassed and avoid what I want to say.
10. You need to feel successful.
11. You allow me to express my negative feelings towards you without becoming defensive.
12. You give me your undivided attention.
13. You make judgments about me because of my language, grammar or accent.
14. You do not judge my beliefs even when they conflict with yours.
15. You gaze out of the window.
16. You trust me to find my own solution to my problem.
17. You plan my action for me, instead of letting me find my own action.
18. You allow me time to think, feel and express.
19. You tap your fingers on the arm of the chair.
20. You speak with enthusiasm and at an appropriate volume.
21. You choose an appropriate time to respond.
22. You do not look at me when I am speaking.
23. You enable me to make my experience feel important.
24. You keep fidgeting.
25. You keep looking at your watch.
26. You look down your nose at me.
27. You say you understand before you have heard what I have to say.
28. You have a solution to my problem before I have had the opportunity to explore my problem fully.
29. You interrupt me before I have finished talking.
30. You are not aware of the feelings behind my words.
31. You look directly at me, and face me.
32. You use open and appropriate gestures.
33. You quietly enter my internal world and try to grasp how it feels to be me.
34. You allow me to express myself even if you don't agree with my language.
35. You accept my gift of thanks.
36. You don't preach morals or condemn me for my behaviour.
37. You are interested in everything I have to say.
38. You spend an hour with me and make that time feel very special.
39. You do not laugh at me, or ridicule me.
40. You are kind, gentle and encouraging.
41. You try to understand me because you really care.
42. You try to help me become liberated from the destructive barriers I have erected with sensitivity and gentleness.
43. You lean towards me and tilt your head.
44. You cross your legs and fold your arms.
45. You talk at me instead of talking with me.

This is the end of the listening exercise. Turn to Appendix 2 for the answers.

Summary

The eight blocks which affect active listening:

• 1.lack of trust
• 2.misinterpreting what is said
• 3.using stereotyped language
• 4.the words themselves
• 5.emotions and feelings
• 6.intellectualising
• 7.conceptualising
• 8.cultural.

Exercise 5

Paraphrasing – case study 1 – Alex

Alex says, ‘I’m 23, but I’ll have to leave home. I’m not sure how I’ll cope though. Mum and Dad smother me, and can’t see why I want to lead my own life.’

Outline a paraphrase. First of all identify the key words or phrases, then write down your response.

Paraphrasing – case study 2 – James

James says, ‘I want to take up nursing but my mates are giving me a hard time, they say it’s only a job for women and gays, not real men. It’s the job for me though. What should I do?’

Outline a paraphrase, first of all identify the key words or phrases, then write down your response.

This is the end of the paraphrasing exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 6

Reflecting feelings

To enable us to reflect feelings it helps to develop a wide vocabulary of feeling words.

List up to four different words or phrases for the statements given below.

I feel abandoned	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel afraid	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel aimless	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel angry	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel anguished	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel antagonistic	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel anxious	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel appreciated	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel apprehensive	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel ashamed	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel bitter	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel bored	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel confused	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel delighted	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel depressed	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel devastated	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel doubtful	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel energetic	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel envious	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel embarrassed	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel empty	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel exasperated	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel excited	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel grief	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel guilty	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel helpless	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel hopeless	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel hurt	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel inadequate	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel inferior	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel lonely	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel lost	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel miserable	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel numb	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel overwhelmed	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel rejected	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel sad	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel shocked	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel silly	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel stifled	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel tense	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel tired	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel trapped	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel useless	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____
I feel vulnerable	You feel	_____	_____	_____	_____

When you have finished, turn to Appendix 2 and compare your answers.

Exercise 7

Reflecting feelings – case study 1 – Mary

Mary says, ‘I will be a success. I can do it if I work hard. If it takes 18 hours a day chained to a VDU, I’ll do it. If husband and family suffer, too bad. I hope they don’t, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Success is what matters to me.’

Identify the key words, then create a response of about six lines.

Reflecting feelings – case study 2 - Sam

Sam says, ‘I can never find the time to do the things I enjoy. I’m just getting ready to go out for a swim, or go jogging, when Bill reminds me there’s some letters to write to customers, or Susan collars me into helping with some household chores. It’s getting increasingly difficult to get the fun out of life that I expect to have. It’s depressing.’

Identify the key words, then create a response of about six lines.

This is the end of the reflecting feelings exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 8

Open questions – case study 1 - Joe

Joe says, ‘Honestly, I don’t know what to do. It sounds really silly, I’m 28 but I’m afraid of women. I like them, I think, but I never know what to do. Maybe it’s because I like them too much. I start to get to know a girl, and it’s OK. Then I just fall head over heels for her. It scares me. I always end up getting hurt. That’s how it’s happened before, and that’s how it is with Emma.’

Here are five closed questions:

• 1.How many times has this happened before?
• 2.Are you in love with Emma?
• 3.When was the last time this happened to you?
• 4.Is she in love with you?
• 5.Are you afraid of girls hurting you or you hurting them?

Now turn all five closed questions into open questions.

Open questions – case study 2 – Amanda

Amanda says, ‘I don’t know what to do. My husband is going out to America on contract. Charles wants me to go with him, but I’m afraid. I’ve never been away from this country. If I stay here I can carry on working and earn some extra money which we desperately need. But if I don’t go, I shan’t see him for months on end. What should I do?’

Here are five closed questions:

• 1.What part of America?
• 2.How long will he be away for?
• 3.You’re afraid of going, aren’t you?
• 4.How much money will you be able to earn while he’s away?
• 5.What sort of work does Charles do?

Now turn all five closed questions into open questions.

This is the end of the open questions exercises. When you have reformatted all the questions turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 9

Summarising – case study 1 – Tom

Tom says, ‘Now don’t you start Andy. I had enough of that with my old man when he was alive, never forgave me for letting the side down. I can hear him now, going on and on, “All our family have gone to the grammar school and have all done well, we want to be proud of you too.” What a load of rubbish! I’d had enough of school. I suppose I’m the black sheep. The only child, and what have I got to be proud of?’

Identify the key words, then construct a brief summary.

Summarising – case study 2 – Tom

Tom says, ‘A bastard, that’s what I am, Andy. All right, in law I’m not, but that’s what I am, a bastard, bastard, bastard. God, what a mess. You know how I found out? When I was 15, mother and the old man were having one of their endless rows one night. I was in the attic doing some experiment, my workshop was up there; I think they’d forgotten me. I heard the old man shout at her. “I suppose you’ve got another fancy man, and then I’ll have to take his child as mine, just like I did Tom.” I couldn’t hear any more, the door was slammed.’

Identify the key words, then construct a brief summary.

This is the end of the summarising exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 10

Focusing – case study – Sally

Sally, 20, a student nurse, is speaking to the college counsellor: ‘I’m in a mess. I moved out of the hospital residence six months ago into a house with four other students, several miles from the college, so I had to buy a car. Two of the others have moved on since then, and the two new ones are awful. They leave the kitchen like a pigsty, and we have endless rows. The atmosphere is so unpleasant. Plus the fact that they’re so noisy, playing loud music and banging doors.

A month ago I had a prang with the car, when it was standing outside in the street. I’ve only got third party, so I couldn’t claim on the insurance, and it’s going to cost a bomb to repair. I’m already badly overdrawn and the bank keep writing to me. They take off so much when my pay cheque goes in that I barely have enough to live on. In fact I eat so badly that I’m losing weight like an anorexic. To crown it all, my last assignment at college was awful. They made me resit, and I can’t find the energy to even start it. What am I going to do?’

• 1.Formulate a contrast response to Sally.
• 2.Formulate a choice-point response to Sally.
• 3.Formulate a figure-ground response to Sally.

This is the end of the focusing exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Exercise 11

Being concrete

In these exercises you are asked to turn a generalised, vague statement into a concrete one.

The aim of these exercises is a three-fold one:

• 1.To help you when a client is making a concrete or generalised statement.
• 2.To help you make more concrete than generalised statements.
• 3.To enable you, through being more concrete, to help clients explore their situation more effectively.

Case study 1 – Adam, generalised and vague

Adam says, ‘I’m not very considerate to my wife.’

Imagine you are Adam. What sort of things would you say that would tell the listener precisely just how you relate to your wife?

Case study 2 – Judith, generalised and vague

Judith says, ‘I find these counselling training groups really difficult.’

Imagine you are Judith. What sort of things would you say that would tell the listener precisely just what your difficulties are?

Case study 3 – Bill, generalised and vague

Bill says, ‘I feel uneasy about the relationship with my mother.’

Imagine you are Bill. What sort of things would you say that would tell the listener precisely your feelings about your mother?

This is the end of the being concrete exercises. Turn to Appendix 2 for suggested responses.

Summary

In this chapter we have:

• explored primary level empathy
• related empathy to the skill of active listening
• explored some of the basic listening skills, which are no more than effective communications skills
• demonstrated through case studies how these skills can be used effectively.

The basic active listening skills discussed in this chapter pave the way for other listening skills which require more experience and advanced empathy; which takes listening to surface and stated feelings to what lies underneath; to what is implied.

In helping others, we shall help ourselves,
for whatever good we give out completes
the circle and comes hack to us.
                                                               Flora Edwards