The counselling relationship develops the self-awareness of both counsellor and client.

As we grow as unique persons, we learn to respect the uniqueness of others.

Robert H. Schuller

Having established the aims of counselling, and identified what counselling is and is not, we move on to examine three counsellor qualities or attitudes considered by Carl Rogers as vital for therapeutic change: genuineness, unconditional regard and empathic understanding. Also referred to as the core conditions, these qualities are essential to building a therapeutic alliance (a collaborative client-counsellor relationship – strong bond – growth-promoting environment). These key characteristics are summarised in Figure 2.

Developing self-awareness is also a crucial aspect in the personal development of a counsellor. In this and subsequent chapters, exercises designed to increase your self-awareness are included, so make sure you have a notebook handy from here on.

Elaborating on essential counsellor qualities

Fundamentally, the counsellor qualities mentioned are relationship qualities that are embraced in most therapies, and deemed crucial in person-centred counselling. Briefly, they include the counsellor’s ability to:

• demonstrate genuineness: being oneself (open, transparent) in the relationship, not hiding behind a mask of professionalism (also known as congruence, realness or authenticity)
• show unconditional positive regard: acceptance of the client without judgment or conditions attached (also referred to as caring, valuing, prizing, respect)
• convey a deep level of empathic understanding: the ability to step into the client’s world – as if you are in their shoes and without losing the as if quality.

We will take a closer look at the qualities outlined above.

Genuineness

This is the degree to which we are freely and deeply ourselves, and are able to relate to people in a sincere and non-defensive manner. For example, we may not approve of an aspect of the client’s behaviour, and may aim to find a way to sensitively point this out to the client. Genuineness is the precondition for empathy and unconditional positive regard. Effective counselling depends wholly on the degree to which the counsellor is integrated and genuine.

Genuineness encourages client self-disclosure. Appropriate counsellor disclosure enhances genuineness. The genuine counsellor does not feel under any compulsion to disclose, either about events, situations, or feelings aroused within the counselling relationship.

Showing non-possessive warmth

Non-possessive warmth is genuine. It springs from an attitude of friendliness towards others. A relationship in which friendliness is absent will not flourish. Showing non-possessive warmth makes the client feel comfortable. It is liberating, non-demanding, and melts the coldness and hardness within people’s hearts.

Conveying warmth

We convey warmth by:

• body language – posture, proximity, personal space, facial expressions, eye contact
• words and the way we speak: tone of voice, delivery, rate of speech
• all the indicators of warmth – the non-verbal parts of speech and body language must be in agreement with the words used; any discrepancy between the words and how we deliver them will cause confusion in the other person.

Warmth, like a hot water bottle, must be used with great care. Someone who is very cold, distant, cynical, mistrustful, could feel very threatened by someone else’s depth of warmth. A useful analogy would be to think how an iceberg would react in the presence of sun.

Unconditional positive regard

Unconditional positive regard is about valuing and respecting the client as a unique human being. It’s about conveying a non-possessive caring and acceptance of the client, irrespective of how offensive the client’s behaviour might be. Demonstrating unconditional positive regard facilitates change. It is where we communicate a deep and genuine caring, not filtered through our own feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Conditional regard implies enforced control, and compliance with behaviour dictated by someone else.

Demonstrating acceptance

Inherent in the idea of demonstrating acceptance is that the counsellor does not judge the client by some set of rules or standards. This means that counsellors have to be able to suspend their own judgments. Acceptance is a special kind of loving which moves out toward people as they are, and maintains their dignity and personal worth. It means accepting their strengths and weaknesses; their favourable and unfavourable qualities; their positive and negative attitudes; their constructive and destructive wishes, and their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

Understanding what acceptance means

Communicating acceptance means we avoid pressurising the client to become someone else, we do not take control, and we avoid being judgmental, critical, or condemning. We do not attach ‘if clauses; eg ‘I will love you if...’. Clients will test the counsellor’s unconditional acceptance, until they sense that the counsellor accepts them as they are, without approval or disapproval, and without making the client feel less of a person.

When counsellors accept clients just as they are, clients accept counsellors just as they are, with their strengths and weaknesses, with their successes and failures. The degree to which we accept other people is dependent on the degree of our own self-awareness. Only if we are well grounded psychologically can we work with other people to mobilise their feelings and energies toward change, growth and fulfilment.

When we feel accepted as we truly are, including our strengths and weaknesses and differences of opinions, no matter how unpleasant or uncongenial, we feel liberated from many of the things that enslave us.

Acceptance is client-centred

Acceptance is directed to the needs of the client, rather than to the counsellor’s own needs. Acceptance recognises the potential of the client for self-help, and it encourages the promotion of growth of the client. Acceptance contains elements of the counsellor’s thoughts (knowledge, psychological grounding), feelings (use of self), and behaviour (which must be congruent with what we say).

The qualities of acceptance

• caring
• concern
• compassion
• consistency
• courtesy
• firmness
• interest
• listening
• moving toward
• prizing
• respect
• valuing
• warmth.

Obstacles to acceptance

There are numerous obstacles that can get in the way of acceptance. One major stumbling block is stereotyping.

Stereotyping explained

Stereotyping, also described as labelling, classifying, typecasting, pigeon-holing, categorising, putting in a mould, pre-judging or making assumptions, is our beliefs about people or groups of people. For example, if we say something like, ’Well let’s face it, what can you expect... they’re all the same’ we are stereotyping. Referring to someone as a ‘dumb blonde’, or ‘fiery redhead’ are other forms. Stereotyping allows no room for individuality, and is generally negative. It stems from our deeply embedded and often conditioned conviction about others, and may be due to fear or a lack of understanding about people different to ourselves. Minority groups are often the butt of stereotyping, for instance: gays, alcoholics, drug addicts, stammerers, the mentally ill, the disabled, the hard of hearing, the visually impaired, unmarried mothers, ethnic minorities, asylum seekers, smokers, self-injurers, students. It can also be aimed at people employed in specific occupations – social workers, police, priests, or those with a different accent – the list is endless.

Stereotyping can have a damaging effect on the therapeutic alliance. To remain neutral, and to prevent putting a barrier in the way, counsellors need to listen to themselves carefully for any signs of ‘putting their client into a niche’. And what better time to start than the present. Stop reading for a moment and close your eyes. Try to capture any images, feelings or reactions you experienced on reading about the groups mentioned above. Be honest with yourself. Were you guilty of stereotyping? Make a note in your notebook of any groups you particularly struggled with to remind yourself that this is an area you need to be aware of.

Other stumbling blocks to acceptance

• Lack of knowledge of human behaviour.
• Blocks or blind spots within self, for example, conscious hidden agendas, or unconscious unresolved conflicts.
• Attributing one’s feelings to the client.
• Biases and prejudices, values, beliefs.
• Unfounded reassurances, unwillingness to explore.
• Confusion between acceptance and approval.
• Loss of respect for the client.
• Over-identification with the client, which may be an unconscious blind spot, or a conscious hidden agenda.

Demonstrating a non-judgmental attitude

Being non-judgmental is yet another important facet of acceptance. Judgment is to do with law, blame, guilty or innocent, and punishment. Clients may engage in self-judgment and will need to work through this if healing is to take place. Although counsellors are entitled to hold their own values, these should not be imposed on the client, and the counsellor must strive not to make judgments about their clients.

Understanding judgmentalism

Judgmentalism takes no account of feelings. It is critical, and condemns others because of their conduct or supposed false beliefs, wrong motives, or character. Judgmentalism is arbitrary, without room for negotiation or understanding and is an evaluation and rejection of another person’s worth. The result of judgmentalism is that it dims, divides and fragments relationships.

Judgmentalism seeks to elevate one person above another. Within it are the characteristics of self-exaltation, self-promotion and the determination to be first on every occasion.

Judgment often attacks the person rather than the behaviour. Judgmentalism creates massive blind spots in our relationships. We cannot counsel people effectively while we are judging and condemning them. When we are troubled we need help, not judgment.

When we pass judgment upon others, if we examine ourselves, we will find that the very thing on which we pass judgment is also present within ourselves in one degree or another.

Detecting judgmentalism

Judgmentalism can often be detected by such words as:

• should
• ought
• must
• got to
• don’t

and by such phrases as:

• in my opinion
• I think . . .
• this is what you should do.

Why counsellors should avoid being judgmental

Judgmentalism is moralistic. It is based on norms and values, warning, approval/disapproval, instruction, and induces inferiority. Judgmentalism evokes inhibition, guilt and distress. It is often associated with authority, control, hierarchy, rules and regulations that impose standards of behaviour. Judgmentalism is the opposite of acceptance. Judgmentalism paralyses: acceptance affirms and encourages action.

A judgmental response has a tendency to indicate that the counsellor has made a judgment of relative goodness, appropriateness, effectiveness, Tightness. In some way the counsellor implies, however grossly or subtly, what the client might or ought to do. The responses imply a personal moral standpoint, and involve a judgment (critical or approving) of others.

Being non-judgmental is a fundamental quality of the counselling relationship. Demonstrating a non-judgmental attitude is based on the firmly held belief that assigning guilt or innocence, or the degree to which the client is responsible, or not, for causing the problem has no place in the counselling relationship.

Clients who are nurtured within a non-judgmental relationship learn not to pass judgment upon themselves. Within this relationship they find the courage and the strength to change.

Being non-judgmental

‘Non-judgmental’ does not mean being valueless or without standards. It does mean trying not to mould others to fit into our value systems. Our values may be right for us; they may be totally wrong for other people.

Being non-judgmental means recognising and understanding our own values and standards so that we can suspend them and minimise their influence on the way we respond to other people. Counsellors must remain true to their own values and standards. They are not human chameleons. Whenever we speak, we communicate the unspoken judgment that lurks within our hearts.

When we feel non-judgmental, that feeling is communicated. No words can convey a non-judgmental attitude if it does not reside within the heart of the counsellor. Counsellors may not like all clients, but it is their duty to strive to be free from prejudices which will lead them into being judgmental. Being non-judgmental means holding within the heart respect for other people’s opinions. Very often we are judgmental over trivial issues.

Developing a non-judgmental attitude

We can develop a non-judgmental attitude by:

• recognising and carefully scrutinising our own values and standards; we may decide to jettison some of them
• trying to see the world from the client’s frame of reference
• not jumping to conclusions
• not saying, ‘I know how you feel’
• not comparing the client to someone else
• not becoming over-involved.

To formulate a non-judgmental response involves:

• being receptive and accepting
• concentrating on what the client’s experience means, not on the facts
• being interested in the person, not just in the problem itself
• demonstrating sincere respect for the client as a person of worth
• facilitating, not interpretreting unconscious motives
• trying to understand what it means to be this particular client
• getting into the client’s inner world; their frame of reference
• not rushing to answer
• being aware of your own values
• hearing, then responding to, the client’s expressed and implied feelings
• accepting that clients know more about their inner world than you do.

Empathic understanding

Empathic understanding is primarily a subjective experience on the part of the counsellor. It means having the ability to perceive the client’s world as the client sees it – to grasp it from their frame of reference, and being able to communicate that understanding tentatively and sensitively. Demonstrating empathy means:

• being able to step into the client’s shoes, and being able to step out again
• being able to stand back far enough to remain objective, rather than standing too close and risk becoming enmeshed in the client’s world
• being close to, yet remaining separate from – it doesn’t mean we become the other person.

Empathy works within the conditional framework of as if I were that other person. It taps into the listener’s intuition and imagination.

Is there a difference between empathy, sympathy and pity?

Sympathy and pity are frequently confused with empathy, yet they are not the same. Sympathy could be defined as feeling like, or sharing in another’s feelings, ‘I know exactly how you must be feeling’. Pity, on the other hand, could be defined as feeling for, ‘There, there, don’t upset yourself so... it hurts me to see you crying’. Whilst appropriate in certain situations, such as comforting someone who has recently experienced a bereavement, there is little room for sympathy and pity in counselling. Counselling is essentially about facilitating change. Expressing sympathy or pity can hinder this process by keeping the client stuck, or wallowing in their current situation. For empathy to mean anything, we have to respond in such a way that the other person feels that understanding has been reached, or is being striven for. It means constantly checking for inaccuracies, for example:

• ‘Would I be right in thinking that...?’
• ‘I think I understand what you mean.. .but can I just recap to be sure.’
• ‘What you seem to be saying is ... am I hearing you correctly?’

It means being genuine if we don’t understand, for example:

• ‘I’m not quite clear what you mean... perhaps you could give me an example.’
• ‘I’m getting a bit confused about...’
• ‘I’m trying to get a picture of your situation but it’s a bit fuzzy. I wonder if you would mind going over what you just said.’

Empathy is not a state that one reaches, nor a qualification that one is awarded. It is a transient thing. We can move in to it and lose it again very quickly. Literally, it means getting ‘alongside’. Counsellors from a wide range of approaches rank empathy as being one of the highest qualities a counsellor can demonstrate.

Levels of empathy are related to the degree to which the client is able to explore and reach self-understanding. It can be taught within an empathic climate.

The three parts of empathy

• 1.Thinking (cognitive) – an intellectual or conceptual grasping of the feeling of another.
• 2.Feeling (affective) – a mirroring or sharing of the emotion with the other person.
• 3.Behavioural (doing) – assuming in one’s mind the role of the other person.

Empathy is also communicated non-verbally through facial expression, eye contact, and a forward leaning of the trunk, and a reduction of the physical distance. Non-empathic body language weakens the spoken message, however deeply empathic it may be.

Empathy is not a gift from the gods, it is a skill we can all develop. Some might have to work very hard at it, for others it might come easily. If you find it difficult to pick out feelings and respond to them with empathy, try not to feel too discouraged. Keep plugging away at it, and find a sympathetic friend on whom you can practise.

Staying in the client’s frame of reference

The frame of reference is a two-part concept which is emphasised in person-centred counselling. Figure 3 gives examples.

External frame of reference: ‘the inner world of the counsellor’

The contents of the counsellor’s frame are similar to the client’s frame, and therein lies a danger. When the experiences of one person are similar to someone else’s, it is tempting to ‘know’ how the other person feels. This knowing cannot come from our experience. It can only resonate within us as we listen to what it means to the other person. The external frame of reference is when we perceive only from our own subjective frame of reference and when there is no accurate, empathic understanding of the subjective world of the other person.

Evaluating another person through the values of our external frame of reference will ensure lack of understanding. When we view another person within the internal frame of reference, that person’s behaviour makes more sense. The principal limitation is that we can then deal only with what is within the consciousness of the other person. That which is unconscious lies outside the frame of reference.

Building a bridge of empathy

For person A to understand the frame of reference of person B, person A needs to build a bridge of empathy (see Figure 4) in order to enter the person’s world, help the other person communicate, understand the personal meanings of B and to communicate that understanding to B.

Lack of self-awareness obstructs the ability to enter someone else’s frame of reference. The more we feel able to express ourselves freely to another person, without feeling on trial, the more the contents of our frame of reference will be communicated.

Communicating with another person’s frame of reference depends on:

• 1.Careful listening to the other person’s total communication – words, non-verbal messages, voice-related cues.
• 2.Trying to identify the feelings that are being expressed, and behaviours that give rise to those feelings.
• 3.Trying to communicate an understanding of what the person seems to be feeling and of the sources of those feelings.
• 4.Responding by showing understanding, not by evaluating what has been said.

Gaining self-awareness

I want, by understanding myself, to understand others.
I want to be all that I am capable of becoming.
                                                   Katherine Mansfield

To become effective counsellors, we need to constantly strive to increase our self-awareness – to discover what makes us tick -to monitor what goes on inside our head: our thoughts, feelings, sensing, intuition, attitudes, beliefs, and how these manifest themselves in our behaviour. In other words, we need to learn to ‘read ourselves like a book’ – the ‘cover’ and the ‘contents’. Burnard (1997:25) defines self-awareness as ‘...the continuous and evolving process of getting to know who you are’. If we don’t know ‘who lives in here’ and feel at home with ourselves, it’s likely that our ability to help others will be impeded. A lack of self-knowledge means there are areas that are unknown or invisible to us. By increasing our self-understanding, we enhance our ability to be genuine and empathic, and our understanding of what makes other people tick.

Introducing the Johari Window

How do we become more self-aware?

The Johari Window (see figure 5) helps us to understand ourselves. It is derived from the work of Jo Luft and Harry Ingram (1955) The Johari Window: A Graphic Model for Interpersonal Relations, University of California.

Window 1 – Known to all

This part can be viewed as our open window. It is the parts of us that we freely display and other people see, for example our attitudes and behaviour. The open area of our window can be enlarged by self-disclosure.

Window 2 – Blind

This part can be viewed as the blind spots of our window. It is the parts of us that we cannot see but others can, for example our body language and other aspects of our behaviour that we are unaware of. The blind spots of our window can be enlarged by feedback from other people.

Window 3 – Hidden

This part can be viewed as the private part of our window. It is the parts of us that we know but choose not to share with others, for example our secrets or things we feel ashamed about. The hidden area of our window can be enlarged by taking risks, for example by disclosing our secrets.

Window 4 – Unknown to all

This part can be viewed as our closed window. It is the parts of us which we and others are unaware of. This part may include our motivations, unconscious needs, anxieties and undiscovered potential. The unknown part of our window can be enlarged through the counselling process by gradually opening up memories, and the gaining of insight.

Exercise

Exercise 1 – Expanding self-awareness (from your internal frame of reference)

You are advised not to rush through this exercise, for a greater understanding of your own frame of reference will aid your self-awareness and how what is within it may get in the way of entering a client’s frame of reference. As this exercise is very individual, no answers will be provided.

1. Name.	How important is it to you?
2. Gender.	Are you satisfied with being who you are?
3. Body.	Are you satisfied with your physical appearance?
4. Abilities.	What are you particularly good at?
5. Mind.	Do you feel OK about your intellectual ability?
6. Age.	Are you comfortable with the age you are now?
7. Birth.	How do you feel about where you were born?
8. Culture(s).	Where were you brought up? If you have moved between different cultures, what influences has this had?
9. People.	Who influenced you most when growing up?
10. Mother.	What is your opinion of your mother?
11. Father.	What is your opinion of your father? If you have no parents, how has that influenced you?
12. Siblings.	What is your opinion of your brothers/sisters? If you have no brothers or sisters what influence has that had?
13. Education.	What influence did your education have? What would you like to have achieved but did not?
14. Employment.	List the various jobs you have had, the people you remember associated with those jobs, and the overall influence of the work and the associated people.
15. Spouse.	If you are married, how has your spouse influenced you?
16. Children.	How have your children influenced you? If you wanted children, and were unable to have them, how has that influenced you?
17. Unmarried.	If you are unmarried, or have no partner, what influence does that have?
18. Preferences.	How do your sexual preferences influence you?
19. Values.	What values do you have, and what influence do they exert? Have you taken them over from other people without thinking about them?
20. Beliefs.	What are your fundamental beliefs? How did you acquire them?
21. Religion.	If you are religious, what influence does that exert? If you have no religion, what influence does that exert?
22. Experiences.	What life experiences are significant for you, and why?
23. Health.	How have any illnesses or accidents influenced you?
24. Memories.	What memories do you treasure, and what memories do you try hard to forget?
25. Relationships.	What relationships in the past are you glad you had, and what relationships do you wish you had never had?
26. Circumstances.	What life circumstances, past or present, do you welcome, and which do you regret?
27. Authority.	Who represents authority for you, in the past and now? What influence do these authority figures exert on you?
28. Strengths.	What are your major strengths, and how might these influence your listening to clients?
29. Weaknesses.	What are your major weaknesses, and how might these influence your ability to listen to clients?
30. Virtues.	What do you consider to be your virtues? How do they influence your behaviour?
31. Vices.	Do you have any vices, and how do they influence your relationships?

How much insight do you think you gained by working through these 31 questions on your frame of reference?

Summary

The essential qualities required to be an effective counsellor are:

• the ability to be genuine with the client
• the ability to show non-possessive warmth towards the client
• the ability to show unconditional positive regard for the client
• the ability to show acceptance of the client (warts-and-all)
• the ability to suspend judgment of the client
• the ability to show empathic understanding to the client
• the ability to stay within the client’s frame of reference
• the ability to take the risk of becoming more self-aware.

In this chapter we have introduced you to the counsellor qualities necessary to work effectively with others: genuineness, unconditional positive regard, and empathic understanding. We have also demonstrated the importance of gaining self-awareness. In Chapter 3, we look at what counsellors can do to help their clients feel safe so they can begin to explore their difficulties.

The first step to change is awareness.
The second step is acceptance.
                                                      Nathaniel Branden