Counselling skills are those we use daily, just sharpened up.

So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

Having got the physical setting arranged, greeted the client, and sorted out a contract, what happens next? In this chapter we get down to the nitty gritty of effective counselling – what the counsellor does to facilitate the counselling process. We start to look more closely at some important counselling principles, qualities and skills, the first one being primary empathy. Empathy hinges on the quality of active listening. Empathy will not flourish in an atmosphere of deficient listening. The client will know we are listening by the quality of our responses and by how accurately we respond to his feelings.

To aid listening the counsellor uses a range of skills, which are developed and demonstrated through this chapter and throughout the book. Figure 8 shows the listening skills the counsellor uses to facilitate exploration of the problem.

This chapter emphasises that the skills used in counselling are those we use every day. We are not talking about extraordinary skills, although when they are tuned and refined, they can achieve extraordinary results.

Primary level empathy

Empathic responding is a vital part of active listening – hearing what the client says from the internal frame of reference, and responding in such a way that the client knows and feels that the counsellor is striving to understand. In this section we are concerned mainly with primary level empathy – that is, responding to the facts and the expressed feelings. Later on we shall work with advanced empathy, which deals with the implied facts and feelings. A helpful suggestion is to say ‘You feel – because...’. The ‘because’ helps to tune into the content, and/or the behaviours underlying the feelings.

Examples of primary level empathy

• 1.Client and counsellor talking.
• 2.Two friends talking.

Active listening

Sensitive, active listening is an important way to bring about personality changes in attitudes and the way we behave toward ourselves and others. When we listen, people tend to respond in a more emotionally mature way; become more open to experiences; become less defensive; more democratic and less authoritarian.

When we are listened to, we listen to ourselves with more care, and are able to express thoughts and feelings more clearly. Self-esteem is enhanced through active listening, because the threat of having one’s ideas and feelings criticised is greatly reduced. Because we do not have to defend, we are able to see ourselves for what we truly are, and are then in a better position to change. Listening, and responding to what we hear, is influenced by our own frame of reference.

Poor listening habits identified

• 1.Not paying attention.
• 2.Pretend-listening.
• 3.Listening but not hearing the meaning.
• 4.Rehearsing what to say.
• 5.Interrupting the speaker in mid-sentence.
• 6.Hearing what is expected.
• 7.Feeling defensive, expecting an attack.
• 8.Listening for something to disagree with.

Figures 9 and 10 identify some of the blocks that can get in the way of active listening.

Knowing what to avoid

• When we try to get people to see themselves as we see them, or would like to see them, this is control and direction, and is more for our needs than for theirs. The less we need to evaluate, influence, control and direct, the more we enable ourselves to listen with understanding.
• When we respond to the demand for decisions, actions, judgments and evaluations, or agree with someone against someone else, we are in danger of losing our objectivity. The surface question usually is the vehicle that has a deeper need as its passenger.
• When we shoulder responsibility for other people, we remove from them the right to be active participants in the problem-solving process. Active involvement releases energy, it does not drain it from the other person. Active participation is a process of thinking with people, instead of thinking for, or about them.
• Judgment – critical or favourable – is generally patronising.
• Platitudes and clichés demonstrate either uninterest or a verbal poverty.
• Verbal reassurances are insulting, for they demean the problem.

Being positive

• Get into the person’s frame of reference.
• Listen for total meaning which is content and feelings. Both require hearing and responding to. In some instances the content is far less important than the feeling, for the words are but vehicles. We must try to remain sensitive to the total meaning the message has to the speaker:
• Note all cues: not all communication is verbal. Truly sensitive listening notes:

What we communicate by listening

We communicate interest in the importance of the speaker; respect for the speaker’s thoughts, not necessarily agreement; non-evaluation; and we validate the person’s worth.

Listening demonstrates, it does not tell. Listening catches on. Just as anger is normally met with anger, so listening encourages others to listen. Listening is a constructive behaviour and the person who consistently listens with understanding is the person who is most likely to be listened to.

Responding as a part of listening

Passive listening, without responding, is deadening and demeaning. We should never assume that we have really understood until we can communicate that understanding to the full satisfaction of the other person. Effective listening hinges on constant clarification to establish true understanding.

Effective listeners:

• 1.Put the talker at ease.
• 2.Limit their own talking.
• 3.Are attentive.
• 4.Remove distractions.
• 5.Get inside the talker’s frame of reference.
• 6.Are patient and don’t interrupt.
• 7.Watch for feeling words.
• 8.Listen to the paralinguistics.
• 9.Are aware of their own biases.
• 10.Are aware of body language.

Listening with the third ear

The phrase ‘listening with the third ear’ was coined by Theodor Reik, to point out the quality of psychotherapy, where active listening goes beyond the five senses. The ‘third ear’ hears what is said between sentences and without words, what is expressed soundlessly, what the speaker feels and thinks.

Principles for third ear listening

• Have a reason or purpose for listening.
• Suspend judgment.
• Resist distractions.
• Wait before responding.
• Repeat verbatim.
• Rephrase the message accurately.
• Identify important themes.
• Reflect content and search for meaning.
• Be ready to respond.

Conveying non-acceptance

We convey non-acceptance by:

• Advising, giving solutions – ‘Why don’t you... ?’
• Evaluating, blaming – ‘You are definitely wrong...’
• Interpreting, analysing – ‘What you need is...’
• Lecturing, informing – ‘Here are the facts...’
• Name-calling, shaming – ‘You are stupid...’
• Ordering, directing – ‘You have to...’
• Praising, agreeing – ‘You are definitely right...’
• Preaching, moralising – ‘You ought to...’
• Questioning, probing – ‘Why did you... ?’
• Sympathising, supporting – ‘You’ll be OK...’
• Warning, threatening – ‘You had better not...’
• Withdrawing, avoiding – ‘Let’s forget it...’

Summary

Listening is far from the passive state which some people think it is. Active listening – as it has been presented here – is a skill of great sophistication, which is available to all who would attempt to acquire and practise it. Words are vehicles for feelings, and feelings are the cement which holds together the bricks of a relationship. So it is essential to respond to both words (content) and feelings.

Responding is giving feedback, but not feedback which merely repeats what the person says – that is parroting, and deadly dull. Feedback which is careful and constructive is positive; feedback which is designed to hurt is destructive. ‘Oh, you know me! A spade’s a spade.’ This sort of remark generally is a cover-up for lack of tact and lack of concern for other people, and has no place in effective relationships.

Attending

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.

                                                            Richard Moss

Attending means demonstrating that we are physically and emotionally available to the client. It involves giving the client our undivided attention – listening to the facts and feelings and paying attention to the client’s body language.

Attending involves:

• body: eye contact, facial expression, limbs relaxed
• thoughts: uncluttered and focused, totally engaged in listening
• attitude: open and available
• feelings: secure, calm, confident.

Attending involves full SOLER contact (an acronym coined by Gerard Egan – see Figure 11).

Minimal encouragers

Minimal encouragers demonstrate that you are attending fully to the other person, figure 12 gives some examples.

Attending means total concentration. We can look as if we are attending, but our thoughts can be a thousand miles away. We may fool ourselves, but the other person will be intuitively aware that we have left to go on another journey. At some of the more dramatic moments of our life, just having another person with us helps us to feel in control, when otherwise we might collapse.

In relationships, ask yourself:

• Am I truly present and in emotional contact?
• Does my non-verbal behaviour reinforce my attitudes?
• How am I being distracted from giving my full attention?
• What am I doing to handle these distractions?

A word of caution about silences

In the early stages of counselling silences can feel very threatening to some clients and may need to be used sparingly until the therapeutic alliance is firmly established. This can be particularly true in the case of trauma survivors who:

may have been locked in a world of silence for years, in which case talking about themselves can be an unfamiliar and daunting experience. Childhood abuse and neglect leave special scars with regard to issues of trust, and the silent counsellor may be perceived as threatening, authoritarian, all powerful, remote – even abusive. (Sutton, 1999:155)

Examples of attending responses

1. Pat:	‘It’s really embarrassing to talk about what he did.’
Jan:	‘It’s embarrassing?’
Pat:	‘Yes, you see, I think it was partly my fault...’
Jan:	‘Please go on.’
2. Paul:	‘I’ve tried getting another job and have sent off six application forms...’
William:	‘And?’
Paul:	‘And I’ve heard absolutely nothing, it’s so...’
William:	‘So?’
Paul:	‘Disheartening. I almost feel like giving up.’
3. Claire:	‘I keep cutting and burning myself.’
Jan:	‘Go on.’
Claire:	‘I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself...’
Jan:	Leans forward towards Claire and remains silent.
Claire:	Bursts into tears and says, ‘I really hate myself, and I can’t take much more.’
Jan:	‘Can’t take much more?’
4. Ellen:	‘I felt so low when my Charlie died, but now...’
William:	‘But now?’
Ellen:	‘Well now I have met a kind and caring man who wants me to move in with him, but...’
William:	‘But?’
Ellen:	‘But I know my Charlie wouldn’t approve – don’t get me wrong – he wouldn’t want me to be unhappy.’
William:	‘Tell me a bit more.’
5. Danny:	‘I keep losing my temper – that’s the problem.’
Jan:	‘Uh-huh.’
Danny:	‘It’s got me into trouble – I nearly got sent to prison.’
Jan:	‘Sent to prison.’

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing means restating the thoughts and feelings of the client’s words in your own. Paraphrasing can bring clarification. It means reflecting the content, mirroring the literal meaning of the communication (see Figure 13).

Sometimes paraphrasing is necessary; at other times reflecting feelings is more appropriate. In every communication, words are vehicles for feelings, so it is essential to hear and respond to both content and feeling.

When listening, we focus initially upon the content. In doing so, we want to be sure that we have all the details of the client’s experiences. Otherwise we will not be able to help the client to understand them.

Focusing on content

WHO? WHAT? WHY? WHEN? WHERE? HOW?

I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.

     Just So Stories ‘The Elephant’s Child’, Rudyard Kipling (1902)

If we can supply answers to these questions, we can be sure that we have the basic ingredients of the other person’s experience.

Useful formats for responding to content are:

• ‘You’re saying_______________________________’ or
• ‘In other words________________________________’ or
• ‘It sounds as if________________________________’

However, if we’re not careful, such responses can sound stilted and stereotyped. Try to retain freshness.

Paraphrasing is not parroting

A paraphrase is a brief response in the hearer’s own words that captures the main points of the content of what the other person has said. It may condense or expand what has been said. In general conversation many assumptions are made about what has been said. Counselling is not an ‘ordinary’ conversation.

Words carry feelings, so not only is it necessary to understand the client’s words, we must also try to understand why particular words, in preference to others, are used.

If clients have been expressing their thoughts with difficulty then this is a good time to paraphrase. Letting clients hear the meaning as understood by someone else may help them to clarify more precisely what they do mean. Paraphrasing may echo feeling words without responding to them.

Examples of paraphrasing

Andrew, your friend, says to you in an emotionally flat voice, and delivered with short pauses between words and sentences:

I used to... enjoy going out and having... fun. Now I have to really force myself, and I, I... don’t enjoy myself any more. All the time I just have a, a... feeling of (longer pause) sadness. I’m not really part of the group any more.

The key words and phrases here are: going out, fun, force, sadness, not part of.

Response

In the past, Andrew, you had a great time socialising. Right now, however, you’ve lost your drive, and don’t get much pleasure from going out and meeting people. For a lot of the time you feel down and flat and not really part of what’s going on around you.

Susan, a student colleague, says to you, over coffee:

I don’t expect Sam to help with all the household chores, but he knows very well I need time to study for my nursing finals. I can’t spend all my spare time cooking and cleaning and waiting on him hand and foot.

The key words and phrases here are: expect, chores, time, exams, hand and foot.

Response

Susan, you would like Sam to support you more, and take his share of the work around the house, so that you can find more time to study instead of running after him. You would like a bit more sharing.

To conclude this section on paraphrasing content we continue our dialogue with the five clients referred to in attending responses (see page 43).

1. Pat	‘So what you are saying is you think you are partly responsible in some way.’
2. Paul	‘It sounds as if not getting any replies to your applications for work is making your wonder whether it’s worth bothering any more.’
3. Claire	‘From what you have told me it seems as though you are having a difficult time right now, and you wonder how much more you can take.’
4. Ellen	‘What you seem to be saying is that you feel you would be letting Charlie down in some way if you accepted this man’s offer.’
5. Danny	‘What seems to be coming across is that your anger is getting you into real trouble, and the magistrates have recommended you learn some techniques for handling it more constructively’

Reflecting feelings

Reflecting concentrates on the feelings within a statement. Paraphrasing and reflecting are invariably linked. In practice, it may be artificial to try to separate them. Reflecting feelings accurately depends on empathic understanding.

In listening to someone who is talking about a problem, neither pity nor sympathy is constructive because both are highly subjective. Reflecting involves both listening and understanding and communicating that understanding. If our understanding remains locked up within us, we contribute little to the communication.

Being able to reflect feelings involves viewing the world from the other person’s frame of reference, thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Effective responding indicates a basic acceptance of people.

Reflecting does not act as a communication ‘stopper’ on the flow of talk, on emotions, or make people feel inadequate, inferior, defensive, or as though they are being patronised. Effective responses are made in language that is easily understood. They have a clarity and freshness of expression. Effective responses are accompanied by good vocal and bodily communication. Figure 14 gives examples of responses.

Responding effectively

Choosing the right time to respond is important. To respond effectively:

• Observe facial and bodily movements.
• Listen to the words and their meanings.
• Tune into your own emotional reactions to what the client is communicating.
• Sense the meaning of the communication.
• Take into account the degree of the client’s self-awareness.
• Respond appropriately and so facilitate communication.
• Use vocal and bodily language that are congruent with each other.
• Check out the accuracy of your understanding.
• Use real, rather than stereotyped, language.

Examples of stereotyped responses:

• ‘Thank you for sharing.’
• ‘Am I on the right track?’
• ‘Am I getting the picture?’
• ‘Have a good day.’

Such phrases frequently pepper counselling literature, so much that the word sharing has lost much of its meaning.

• ‘You have shared many deep feelings today’ would be appropriate.

Examples of reflecting feelings

Alex says:

I’m 23, but I’ll have to leave home soon. I’m not sure I’ll cope though. Mum and Dad smother me, and can’t see why I want to lead my own life.

The key words are: have to cope, smother, own life.

Counsellor:

Alex, you sound confused and very uncertain that you would be doing the right thing, moving away from home. You feel suffocated by your parents, and want your independence, but it seems as if the price of this is having to separate from your parents.

Christine says:

I’d just had enough of Dave. You should have heard the way he yelled at Emma. I mean, she’s only ten months old. Did I do the right thing? Should we try again?

The key words are: enough, she’s only, should we.

Counsellor:

Christine, what I hear is that you have regrets about leaving Dave and you are wondering whether you should attempt a reconciliation. At the same time you are concerned for Emma’s safety. You would like me to tell you what to do to resolve this conflict.

To conclude this section we use reflecting feelings responses with the five clients Pat, Paul, Claire, Ellen and Danny.

Counsellor reflecting feelings responses:

1. Pat	‘You feel ashamed about what happened because you feel you were partly to blame.’
2. Paul	‘I can see that you feel despondent and disappointed because you have put a lot of effort into applying for jobs and nobody has offered you an interview.’
3. Claire	‘So you feel as if you are at the end of your tether, and I’m also picking up that you feel embarrassed and perhaps loathe yourself because you can’t stop hurting yourself.’
4. Ellen	‘I can see that you feel confused because you have met a nice man who wants you to move in with him. You know that Charlie would want you to be happy, but you feel he would not approve of you living with another man.’
5. Danny	‘You feel resentful because the magistrates have told you to come, and that you have no choice in the matter.’