Counselling facilitates client understanding of the situation in order to move forward.

There is no challenge more challenging than the challenge to improve yourself.

Michael F. Staley

Using the basic active listening skills may take the client some way along the path of self-awareness, yet more may be needed to help the client gain a deeper understanding of the problem and its root cause. In this chapter we provide insight into the skills the counsellor uses to facilitate understanding. These skills, unfortunately termed ‘challenging and confronting’, invite clients to examine their behaviour and its consequences. In other words, by encouraging the client to come face-to-face with herself, she develops the skill of self-challenge and the potential to change. However, it needs to be borne in mind that in the context of counselling, challenges and confrontations are always offered with the client’s best interests at heart — as a gift, not an attack. The skills need to be used with great sensitivity, care and respect. They need to come out of a deep empathy with the client, and should not be used until trust has been well established.

Challenging and confronting

The aim of challenging is to provide accurate information and to offer our perspective. We challenge the strengths of the client rather than the weaknesses – we point out the strengths, assets and resources which the client may fail to fully use. Challenging and confronting helps clients develop new perspectives, figure 18 gives an overview of the skills the counsellor uses to facilitate understanding on the problem. The skills covered in this section are specific to challenging.

Confronting a client

Many people get the misguided image of counsellors as a bunch of head nodders or do-gooders, who get paid a lot of money for just sitting and listening. Confronting a client with something she might prefer not to see, might not want to hear, or might not want to know, is not easy. It can be a painful learning process for the client, as well as a risky business for the counsellor. It takes guts to challenge a client, and the counsellor may well be left wondering whether she has said the right thing. It can also be an exhausting experience for both.

What confrontation is and is not

• Confrontation is not verbal fisticuffs or a head-on clash!
• Confrontation should be a tentative suggestion, not a declaration.
• Confrontation is an observation, not an accusation.
• Confrontation should be made only after careful deliberation.
• Confrontation should never be used as retaliation or a put down.
• Confrontation is safest when the relationship is well established.

The main areas of confrontation are:

• 1.Discrepancies, distortions and manipulations.
• 2.Negative thought patterns and behaviours.
• 3.Games, tricks and smoke screens.
• 4.Excuses: manipulation, complacency, rationalisations, procrastinations, passing the buck.

Forms of confronting:

• 1.’Your perspective is... mine... is’
• 2.’When you say/do... I think/feel...’
• 3.’On the one hand you are saying... on the other you are saying
• 4.’You have said (or done)... my reaction is...’

Examples of confrontations

Discrepancy

• ‘You say that being rejected has really upset you, yet you smile as you talk about it.’
• ‘When you arrived, I observed a smiling and happy-go-lucky person sitting opposite me, and yet this doesn’t seem to fit with the words I am hearing.’
• ‘On the one hand you say you love your wife, but on the other you say you have a mistress.’
• ‘You have mentioned to me several times that you hate arriving late for appointments, yet I’ve noticed that you have been late for the last two sessions, and I’m wondering what that’s about.’
• ‘You speak of your many losses, yet you smile continuously.’
• ‘You say you are fine, yet you seem to be very close to tears.’

Distortion of feelings

• ‘You say you feel really depressed, yet you laugh whenever you say that, as if it was nothing at all.’
• ‘You say you are not worried about your exams, yet you are spending all your evenings in the students’ bar drowning your sorrows.’
• ‘You say you feel lonely, yet you shrug it off as though it’s not important.’

Manipulation

• ‘You say your parents have never really understood you. However, the way you said that makes me wonder if you are trying to play on my sympathy in some way.’
• ‘You know you have the ability to pass your first year finals, yet you say you haven’t bothered to write up your assignments. You are hoping that I can bail you out of this tricky situation by having a word with your tutor.’

Negative thought patterns

• ‘You say that you don’t think you are up to handling this change in your life. Yet you are clearly a resourceful person. You’re intelligent and motivated and have coped well with changes in the past.’
• ‘You say you are finding it difficult to decide whether you should accept this new job. Yet from other things you have told me, you strike me as a person who normally finds it easy to make decisions.’

Excuses

• ‘You say you believe in taking responsibility for what you do, yet I hear you blaming your wife and daughter for everything that is wrong in your relationship with them.’
• ‘You say you want to go back to college, and yet it feels as though you are putting obstacles in the way when I hear you keep saying: “Yes but ...-.’
• ‘You say you are keen to apply for a new job, yet you seem reluctant to update your CV.’

Complacency

• ‘You say you’ve been out of work for six months, and it really gets you down. Yet in all that time you haven’t applied for any jobs, and you’re quite happy to collect your money every week; “That’s what I’ve paid in for all these years!” you said.’
• ‘You say you would like a better relationship with your wife. Yet for the past six months you have been going out almost every evening with the lads.’

Procrastination

• ‘A month ago you moaned because you hadn’t worked for six months. You made a contract then to start looking for work, now you’re telling me you haven’t even tried. You haven’t kept your contract, and didn’t realise how the time was flying.’
• ‘In our fifth session, you told me how desperate you were to give up smoking, and you had joined a “smoke stop” group. Yet now you are telling me that you haven’t attended for the past three weeks.’

Rationalisation

• ‘Last time you admitted that you kept putting off looking for a job, now you’re saying you couldn’t go because the weather was wet.’
• ‘In the last group session you told us all you wanted to settle down with your partner, now you’re saying you want to sow a few wild oats.’

Effective confrontation

A confrontation should be preceded by careful consideration:

• 1.What is the purpose of the confrontation?
• 2.Can I handle the consequences?
• 3.Does the confrontation relate to the here and now?
• 4.Whose needs are being met by the confrontation?

Effective confrontation usually contains elements of some or all of the following:

• 1.A reflection or summary of what the client has said so that the client feels heard and understood.
• 2.A statement of the counsellor’s present feelings.
• 3.A concrete statement of what the counsellor has noticed or observed, given without interpretation.

Examples of confronting

• 1.Client: Jane says, ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I can never seem to get to work on time. Not only am I late, but often I’m so tired I can’t get up. Evenings are all right, though. I go to church every evening, and most nights I’m with the team around the down-and-outs of the city. I really enjoy that, and somehow I don’t feel tired.’ Counsellor: ‘Jane, you obviously have an absorbing passion for the down-and-outs and this takes you out pretty late, yet you often have trouble getting to work on time. I wonder if there a discrepancy somewhere there, between responsibility to your employer and your charitable works.’
• 2.Group member: Albert says, ‘What’s the matter with me? I sit here in this training group, week after week and wonder what I’m getting out of it, or if I’ve anything to give. It’s so frustrating. I have plenty to say, but nobody seems to want to listen.’ Group leader: ‘Albert, I hear your frustration, you want to say something in the group, you feel you have plenty to say yet you merge into the background like the wallpaper, as if you wanted to make yourself invisible. When you’ve taken your courage in both hands and spoken out, I’ve appreciated what you’ve said, usually to the point of the discussion, as if you’ve given it a lot of thought. Yet there are many other times when you have tried to speak, and your voice has been so soft, as if you were apologising for speaking.’
• 3.Clive (looking tearful): ‘I’ve failed my finals, but I don’t really care. My good social life makes up for all that, and I can try again in three months’ time. Maybe if I don’t make it I could try something else. What do you think?’ Counsellor: ‘Clive, on the one hand you are saying you don’t care that you’ve failed your finals, but you look very downhearted. You think you could try something else, yet you want to have another crack at the finals in three months. What do you think about these discrepancies?

Examples of effective confrontation

Let us resume with the five clients, Pat, Paul, Claire, Ellen and Danny again, to see how the counsellor might use confrontation.

Pat

Counsellor to Pat: ‘Pat, when I hear you talking about being raped, you appear very calm. However, this doesn’t seem to fit with your body-language, which seems to be saying how desperate you really feel.’

Paul:

Counsellor to Paul: ‘Paul, you say that you desperately want to get a job, however, you then tell me that you have given up trying. There seems to be a contradiction here.’

Claire:

Counsellor to Claire: ‘Claire, you say that you feel absolutely useless and this is what makes you hurt yourself, yet just now you told me that you had got a place at university, which seems to contradict your view of yourself.’

Ellen:

Counsellor to Ellen: ‘Ellen, on the one hand you say that the idea of sharing your life with Peter appeals to you, and on the other that you would feel guilty because you think you would be letting Charlie down. There seems to be a discrepancy between your wanting to remain loyal to Charlie and wanting to have a new life with Peter.’

Danny:

Counsellor to Danny: ‘Danny, you say that you don’t think it’s alcohol that makes you aggressive, and yet you have told me that you are a different person when you haven’t been drinking.’